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need advice - TIP (long, sorry)
I'm a reg, but this is pretty personal. H and I are having some serious problems and I'm trying to figure out if this is divorce worthy.
To start off, H has a gambling problem. It's been going on since before we got married. I know I should have never said "I do" before he got this in check, but now, several years later, I'm at my witt's end. He's maxed out cc's, taken out loans and most importantly lied.
The gambling has affected our marriage in a bad, bad way. I can't trust him because he's lied and our finances are out of whack. I'm resentful and hurt. We've fought and fought about it and I always believe and hope that he will change. I understand that this is an addiction and he probably needs professional help, but he hasn't made an effort to get any help.
If that isn't enough, on our first anniversary I found emails he had sent to his ex wife. These emails basically told that he and her had something going on, or at least that he wanted there to be something going on. When I confronted him, he promised that it was nothing and all her. I believed him.
So, yesterday, I logged onto his fb account. I don't remember why I logged on to begin with, but honestly it could have been just to snoop. There's a message from a girl that he just became friends with a couple of days ago, says "I'm sorry you're having hard times in your marriage. That's no fun.". I couldn't find a msg that he had sent to her for this response, he probably sent it from his phone so it didn't show up on the computer.
I don't know this girl from Adam, why would he be discussing our marriage with her? They did have several mutual friends, so I assume it's someone he went to HS with. But, you don't just friend someone on fb after you haven't spoken in years and start dishing out your marital issues, right?
I called him enraged, told him he could pack a bag or I would when I got home. He had no good response or excuse. He just said that he had known her for years.
So, I packed a bag and am staying with a relative at least through the weekend. What do you guys think about all of this? Advice please? BE HONEST!
Re: need advice - TIP (long, sorry)
Sounds like divorce may be your best option since he is not making an effort to get help with his addiction. I will say that the emails and the FB thing would have me hitting the road before the gambling.
I would have made him pack the bag, he is the one in the wrong not you!
If I know you, let me know what you need!!!
Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am not a fan of divorce and I think people take it way too lightly. But if you are wanting to work through this and he refuses, I don't think there's much else you can do. You shouldn't have to sit there and be miserable if he's not willing to try to fix things. I wish you didn't have to go through this, not being able to trust your partner is a horrible, horrible feeling.
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Oh geez. I'm sorry you're dealing with this..what a mess this guy has made. I think, that if it were me, I would think very seriously about executing a plan to leave.
Courage to you, whatever you end up doing.
Can you be more specific? What exactly should I do with my finances? Our checking account is joint.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. In my house this would be ultimatum time: individual counseling and GA meetings for him (perhaps followed by marriage counseling once he has 90 days clean from gambling), or it's the end of the road for us.
You know what? I take that back. Combined with the inappropriateness with other women (that you KNOW of---and chances are, you don't know about all of it), I think I'd call it quits. Taken together it's just all too much.
I'm so sorry you're going through this! Disclaimer: I don't really know what I'm talking about below, this is just the steps I would take were I in that situation.
I would go and set up your own checking account ASAP, and change your paycheck's direct deposit to that personal account. Is there any joint money you're entitled to? Transfer those funds. You need to separate all accounts now. I'm sorry that I'm not sure how to do that...call the credit card companies, the banks, etc. Consult with a divorce lawyer as to how to proceed, even if you ultimately don't end up divorcing. They can give you much better advice than us regarding credit scores, mortgages, and the like.
A gambling addiction and compulsive lying are certainly huge issues, but refusing he needs help is the biggest problem IMO. If he absolutely will not admit he has an addiction, is in the wrong with the gambling and online communication, and needs help, I would leave.
I think you're doing the right thing in leaving for awhile. Sounds like a separation can only help.
I wish you all the best!
This is what I mean by getting financials in order. You want it prepared so that if you do split, it's all ready to go. You don't want to have to constantly contact him (or have your lawyer contact his lawyer, unless you like paying large amounts of money for phone calls) to take care of this stuff after the fact. Get it done beforehand. If you two share a mortgage, contact the company and find out what your options are if you do end up divorcing.
I wouldn't trust a gambling addict with a joint account, especially if you leave and give him a reason to do something even more stupid than he's already done.
I third this advice...I think following these steps would be a great plan.
So sorry you are going through all of this. To be honest, there is nothing you can do. Change is something that can only be done within, he doesn't seem to want to change.
Professional help is needed, if that cannot be agreed upon I am unsure of your other options.
If you're interested, you can PM me or email me (wendy LD at gmail dot com). I have been in a pretty similar situation (which, if you're a regular, you probably know how that turned out). I can at least commiserate with your situation.
For what it's worth, if you want to even pursue this at this point, GA meets Tuesday and Thursday evening at 6:30 I believe in OKC.
I agree with the advice to open a personal checking account with only your name on it. That will make it easier to move on later if you decide to do so. I know people may suggest it, but hiding away money in an account of your own may not work out for you. Legally speaking, any marital assets and liabilities are jointly owned. That means until divorce is filed and a temporary order is issued by a judge (which can be about a month after filing), either one of you can do anything you want with any and all assets. Either one of you could clean out your accounts tomorrow and blow all the money. That being said, if you simply move it to another account with just your name on it, it's still a marital asset.
Didn't know. H and I have separate accounts. Always have, likely always will.
Everyone else has offered you some pretty dang good advice. I am very sorry you are going through this - if he isn't willing to make some changes - get out and find someone that appreciates you.
***Hugs***
I second this, 100%.
The number one thing you have to think about in situations like this is, does he want to change? It doesn't sound like he's there yet (or ever will be). If he hasn't worked out in his tiny brain that you and your marriage are worth more than gambling and (impending) cheating, all the good intentions in the world aren't going to matter.
So sorry you're going through this. Separate those finances and hit the road, friend.
Thank you all for the advice and kind words. After thinking about all of my options over the last few days I have decided to give him one last chance. I went back home last night and gave him a very firm ultimatum.
I told him he must ban himself from ALL casinos in our area by Friday of this week. For those of you who are not familiar with this, you can voluntarily exclude yourself from being allowed on casino property. If you are caught on their property it is trespassing. Also, if you win any money on their property, they will not give you the money, but instead donate it to charity.
He must also go to GA meetings every week and we are going to attend marriage counseling. I told him I'd go to the meetings with him, or just wait in the parking lot to make sure he is going.
I am going to take control of our finances and he will get a set weekly allowance. I'm still working through the details on this part, but I definately want the bulk of our money to not be accessible to him.
I'm doing this on a 60 day trial basis. If he doesn't change, I'm out. I think he may be taking me seriously this time. When I first started in, he was defiant, made excuses, shifted blame, etc. But, by the end of the conversation, he admitted that none of this was my fault and even teared up a bit.
Please don't think that I'm being naive or weak and that I didn't listen to any of your advice. He does have a child from his previous marriage whom I've been a parental figure to for several years. Also, if he makes no effort to change, this will give me a little time to get my "financials in order" before making a move.
I was able to see the messages that were exchanged between them and it seemed innocent enough (maybe not on her part as much). She's going through a divorce and asked H how his marriage was (possibly very shady). H and I had just had a fight the day before so he told her we were going through some rough times (verrrry stupid on his part).
I told him it is completely unacceptable to discuss me/our relationship with anyone I do not know. I told him from the outside it looks like someone was just out to get a piece on the side. I also asked him how he would feel if I was discussing him/our relationship with another man. He understood my point then, and agreed that his actions were inappropriate.
Okay, that's good. I would still keep an eye on it, though, and would probably ask him to un-friend the woman, as I have seen very similar situations destroy marriages.
I really hope this turns out better for you than it did for me (all of it, but the bolded part specifically) . You might talk about this (either with the counselor or just by yourselves) to find ways to make sure this doesn't end up with him feeling resentful that he is being controlled or punished. Nobody likes to feel treated like a child, even if it is to protect them (and you!) from themselves.
Gambling can be an addiction of it's own right, but it may also be linked to other issues that also need addressing. The more you post, the more familiar all of this sounds. I'd really urge you to see a counselor on your own as well. I don't think anyone can blame you or call you naive for trying to work out problems in your marriage. It is commendable to make the effort, but you can only change you and you'll have to decide for yourself what exactly that marriage needs to look like in order for you to feel secure again.
I'm glad you have a plan in place. Just that can definitely help you feel more empowered.
I did want to give you a heads up that one GA meeting/week is not going to be nearly enough, though. They'll want him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. I know that sounds like an extreme, but an addiction isn't just something you can treat on a weekly basis the same way you could many other mental health issues. It requires daily, constant maintenance.
Yes, this is something I'm concerned about.
Thanks for the information, I had no idea the GA program was so intense. I think this is a good thing though, and is exactly what he needs.
I agree.