Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
generous mother in law advice needed. Kind of long.
I have a VERY generous mother in law. She gives us $500 every other month, has created a college account for my son (which has accumulated about $8,000 in three years), installed hardwood floors in our house etc. She has been doing this the entire eight years my husband and I have been married and we have always been grateful. We always send thank yous for any of the things she gives us. Her normal reaction is, "I want to do this for you it makes me happy. You're very welcome."
Last week, she came to visit us and we went on a roadtrip together. She is from the states and we live in Europe (but we're americans, just on an ex-pat contract here) so we told her we would pay for the rental car and accommodations and she would just have to pay for her food, entertainment, and part of the gas.
We currently owe her money because we're going to the beach next month and she rented the beach house for her so we suggested that we just pay for all her stuff here (food entertainment, gas, etc) and take it off the amount we owe her for the beach. Everyone agreed that would be the best thing to do because then she wouldn't get nailed on ATM fees or conversion rates from dollar to Euro.
Anyway, here is the advice needed. All of a sudden, EVERYTHING was about the money she's given us over the past 8 years. She just kept bringing up how generous she is with us and how she is so awesome. I can't relay how uncomfortable it was. She brought up every gift she ever got us, and started listing all the money she had ever spent on us. She then started asking us what we had in savings and if we wanted her to manager our Vanguard accounts and how awesome with money she is. The husband kept saying, "Mom, we're good. Thanks for all the gifts but we'll take care of all our money."
The husband and I discussed and we're not going to accept large gifts from her anymore and ask her to stop sending the $500 every other month but how do you address her? I can't give back all the gifts she's given to us in the past 8 years so how do I handle that?
If you're still reading, thanks for your advice 
Re: generous mother in law advice needed. Kind of long.
First, your DH needs to handle this. He needs to be the spokesperson.
My advice, though, would be for him to first talk to her. Bring up this recent trip and how she kept listing everything she's given. He needs to mention it, tell her that it made him really uncomfortable, and he now feels like she's looking for something in return.
See what she says and then proceed from there.
I'll be honest - for everything she's done for you, the fact that you paid for the roadtrip only in return for the beach house - maybe that put her off. As she flew to see you all, maybe she was expecting you to just pick up the tab for the trip simply to be nice, as another way to say "thanks" for all she has done. And maybe you picking it up only to pay her back for the beach rubbed her wrong. So now she's responding by "reminding" you of all she's done.
Sure, we can talk about how she shouldn't give all these gifts if she expects something in return, but at the same time - she's given you in 8 years, in cash alone, $24,000 - she may feel that ONE act of generosity on your part might be in order.
I'm not saying you dont' appreciate all she's done. I'm just trying to give you another perspective on this, and why I think your DH needs to talk to her first about this before out and out saying "don't give us anything else".
Then gage her responses and from THAT, decide if you want to say "thanks, but no thanks" or if maybe you see that from her perspective, you all made a mis-step.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I totally get your perspective but she didn't any way shape or form think we would pay for her stuff on the trip. We were talking to her one day and told her we had booked a trip to Normandy. She said that she has always wanted to go to Normandy and she really really wished she could come. That is when we said, "OK, come with us. There is room in the car and the house for you. If you come, we'll cover the house and car and you just pay the other crap I listed in original email." She didn't give a definite answer but said she would REALLY think about it. THe next morning we woke up and she had booked her ticket and sent us an email with the itinerary and how excited she was. The email also said she would pay her part of the car and the house we rented but we said that was not a problem and we would cover it.
I don't understand if someone is upset with you, why they don't just tell you. We mentioned to her that she was getting weird about it and she just blew it off.
Also, why do you think DH needs to address this? Why can't both of us?
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Because it's his mother.
She might be putting on airs for you. And if you're listening in, or what have you, she may continue to clam up.
Here's the thing - she's generous because this is her SON. She isn't generous because of you. She's generous because she wants to help her SON out. Yes, fine, the gifts may be technically for "both" of you, but it's about her SON, not you.
Let your DH handle this and talk to his mom one on one about this. There may be something else going on and she may not want to talk to you about it. Respect her privacy and let your DH talk to her alone.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Interesting perspective. It never occurred to me she might have expected us to pay for her meals and junk after discussing we wouldn't.
That goes back to my whole thing on taking things at face value. If we had an agreement before she even booked the trip as to what we would cover and wouldn't that kind of make her money for a purpose, not just because it made her happy to give it to us. Also, she is an adult, why can't she just say, "It hurts my feelings that you guys won't cover my expenses on the trip."
If she had wanted to come and have us pay all her expenses, then she could have said, "OK, I'll come but you have to pay for everything." Then we would have gladly declined
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Also a good perspective. While I was reading this, I was thinking about how DH handles my parents and he never even speaks to them unless they are in the same room and then it is only pleasantries. I need to butt my nose out of their business but make it clear to DH when it comes to money, we need to agree before he does with his mother.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Second, to the above... are you joking or serious?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Does it come across as bitchy?
Until recently, my MIL and I have had a very good relationship and all of a sudden, she's just doing weird little things that upset me. I don't want our good relationship to die.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Serious. We don't have the extra funds to cover her to fly to europe last minute!
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Starts talking about the money she's given us in the past.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
O.k.... (sorry if I get wordy)... There was a time where DH and I were in a financial position where we were able to be generous. And we were. I have friends, though, who I've found to be very ungenerous.
Now, in our being generous, it was never done w/ the expectation of getting anything in return. But, when put into a situation where one of our non-generous friends could have done something really small to "re-pay" us but very pointedly did not - it rubbed me the wrong way. And brought their lack of generosity to my attention.
As in- your MIL may not have thought twice about the trip, the expense, her generoisity to you all in the past. But when you said "We owe you $$ for the beach house. Well, how about we pay for your expenses on the roadtrip in exchange for our share of the house.", it may have been that "thing" that just made her think "for all I've given you all, the only reason you'll pick up my tab is to pay me back for something else? You won't just pick up my tab to be nice?".
See what I mean?
And then your comment about how you can't afford to pay for her (well, at least her flight), maybe she senses something and she's wondering where all her money has gone? Not that it's any of her business!! it's a gift. Once you have it, it's your right to do w/ it as you please. But this might be a string you never saw before... she see's her giving you money as a reason why it's now her business to know what you're doing w/ your money.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If she really keeps it up w/ you and just you, then at that point, I feel you have the right to gently say "MIL, I'm confused. Why do you keep bringing this up? I feel like we've done something to upset you in regards to these gifts. I really wish you'd talk to us about it if there is a problem".
BUT- I think your DH needs to make a point to talk to her before you're in a situation where you're alone. I would imagine if he talks to her about this - she isn't going to keep doing it!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All in all, we paid for $150 worth of stuff for her. I guess she is seeing it as, "Those lousy brats can't given cover $150 for me?" And we see it as, "I can't believe she's trying to start a huge fight over $150!!!"
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Oh and I totally hear all your What If scenarios but it seriously eeks me because I don't like people who get mad at you over something you have no idea you've done. If you're mad, just tell me and we'll fix it. If she thinks I'm being rude then just tell me and I'll discuss it with her.
I don't like mind games!!!!
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
BUT I also agree- if she is upset, she should talk to you all about it. I still think your DH needs to talk to her one on one, gently, and try to figure out what is going on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Is this the root of the issue? Do you really think this is how she feels? Perhaps she doesn't feel this way at all, but rather you are projecting your feelings that have snowballed over 8 years of "gifts" that could never possibly be repaid. Money and gifts can be overwhelming, especially when someone doesn't respect your ability to take care of yourselves and your child. While some gifts are okay (IMO), it does appear that your MIL has gone overboard with the amount of money she has spent.
It might be time to reassess how you and your DH feel about these gifts. Maybe it is time to start declining them if you feel obligated to find some way to repay her or always feel like you are indebted to her for them. The thing about gifts is that they are just that - gifts with no obligation. It sounds like that's not what this situation is turning into here based on your feelings.
Again, I might be making a lot of assumptions here. I had an ex-FI who's mother bought him/us everything and to me it was very overwhelming. It made me feel like a child who was unable to take care of myself. While she came across the same way, saying things like she wanted to do it and it made her happy, I have to wonder now why it made her so happy to continue to play the "mother" role to two adults who could take care of themselves. I don't know because I left that situation.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
OK question for you about the whole "it is your husband's problem" situation. Are you saying husbands should only deal with their mothers in negative situations or all situations?
I have always thought once you're married you are all family and it all becomes everyone's problem.
What kind of relationship does that leave you with your in laws if the DH is the one who "deals with them?"
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Does it have anything to do with your move? Or is she upset that you are selling some things that presumably you bought with partially her money?
Also, I really like ECB's reply to MIL above if she pushes the issue. It sounds like something is definitely bothering her.
Keep in mind that it could also be all about her. Maybe she's been struggling with money recently or had a health scare or something that is causing her to act funny/think differently regarding her gifts.
I think that the prevailing opinion on this Board tends to be that you deal with your family, he deals with his. There's a number of reasons why folks might feel this way, but I'll let those folks speak for themselves.
I don't it has anything to do with the move. All the stuff we have here was paid for by husband's company in relocation costs. It's all Ikea crap anyway. if she wants it she can have it
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
1- You married HIM, you didn't marry his mom. If there are problems w/ her, she may not want to share them w/ you, her daughter-in-law. SHE didn't choose to marry you and she may not choose to share things w/ you.
You marrying your DH doesn't give you full, open disclosure to everyone else in his family.
2- Ever heard about shooting the messenger? It's a heck of a lot easier to shoot the messenger when the messenger isn't your child. As in- YOU talk to her about her new attitude about money, it's a LOT easier to get pissed at you and find fault w/ you than it will be in her own son!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
or what if you and DH have marital problems? Should it be her business?
The statement above is basically saying this. You feel you should have full involvement in her issues w/ money? Well then, she should have full involvement w/ YOUR issues.
Just be careful w/ your perspective about you all being one big family and issues should be "everyone's" problem.... I dont' know that you'd actually want "everyone" in all of your business.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
In essence, yes, that's what you say. If she offers you cash, say "oh, dh handles the money, why don't you hold onto it and give it to him". If she wants to talk to you alone about money, say "dh and I make all money decisions together, let's get him on the phone" and dial the phone and hand it to her.
Clearly something has changed in her mind, and it centers around whatever it is that happened in this instance. Up to this incident, you and dh and she had a great relationship; and she was happy handing over cash to the two of you, and you two were happy accepting it. Now she is clearly upset about a money matter. If you want to get to the bottom of it, examine your own role, that of your dh, and every little stupid nuance of what got said and what got done and who did what etc and see if you can't determine the issue; and the TWO of you ask her what you might have done to offend her (because she's obviously offended). I'm not saying you or dh meant to; but she is. It's worth mending this fence.
This.
This, exactly.
Second, whether or not the $150 worth of expenses was the cause of this problem, I am absolutely horrified that you would not have INSISTED on covering it for her, without trying to apply it to another debt. Yes, gifts shouldn't come with strings attached, but there is also such a thing as being grateful and doing something because it's the right thing to do. Saying "Mom/MIL, we're so glad you flew out to join us on this trip, the rest of the trip (hotel, car, gas, meals) is on us" would have been the right thing to do.