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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: generous mother in law advice needed. Kind of long.
What would bug me if I were you MIL is why would you discuss what you wouldn't pay for? I agree that you shouldn't pay for her airfare, but IMO if you're well enough set to tell her to stop sending you $1000/month, then you should be able to cover her while she's visiting. My parents are what I consider extremely generous with H and I, just for letting us do laundry at their house and picking stuff up for me from the store once in a while, and when the four of us go out to dinner my H and I pay as a thank you. She shouldn't have to tell you that you should do something nice for her as a thank for her incredible generosity, you should just want to and think to do it on your own.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Ok, I was kind of with you until I read the amount in question is $150. I'm sorry, but that's like the price of one nice dinner out. Even if she didn't give you $ every month, I think it's rather odd to not offer to pay for what would have be equivalent of a fancy dinner when she flew across the continent. Maybe I'm reading too much into this - but given how this whole thing started over $150, I get the impression that you don't return her generosity that often. So this final little act may just have been the straw that broke the camel's back. I would be furious too if I have been doing something nice for someone for years and they didn't bother to take the opportunity to do one nice little thing for me.
And I think that relates to why she'd suddenly start wondering about your finances - your actions really left her with only 1 of 2 possibilites with your situation: (1) you are selfish and ungrateful and wouldn't even spend $150 on her; or (2) your finances are a mess and you can't afford to spend the $150 on her. As a caring parent (which she seemed to have been in the past), it's not that out of line for her to make inquiries into your finances.
I suggest that your DH apologize for your lack of consideration (maybe it just truly escaped your mind that you shouldn't have asked to "offset" the $150), and re-assure her that your finances are fine. You just didn't think through your actions.
traveltheworld I totally hear you but the entire time we were out and about when we would spend money MIL would say, "Twopeas, did you write down that cost? I don't want to forget anything. Write it down!"
I'm just going to have the husband call her and smooth things over. I talked with him about it today and he said he thinks I'm totally over analyzing everything and she doesn't even care.
INTERNATIONAL NESTIE LIST
Ok, if she kept asking during the trip I would see how it would be reasonable for you to assume that she really wanted to "pay" you back. I agree to just let your DH call her and figure out what's going on.
If she starts up with the "and then there was the XYZ gift, oh, and then the ABC one..." talk in person or on the phone, and she hasn't taken a cue about where the conversation should be going, there's always the "(Name!) I'm so sorry, I have to get off the phone, my kettle's boiling! Talk soon!" and hang up.
But you should have your husband address it permanently with her; such that it is heartfelt and kind and honest, while not sacrificing clarity or the clear expectation at hand: that you two have been grateful for the gifts she's chosen to send your way, but that you would be more comfortable in a more leveled relationship from now on.
Maybe have him try focusing on how much you all enjoy her TIME and ATTENTION and emphasize those over material gifting in the future? If she won't respect the boundaries, mention in future thank you notes that the $500 checks have been sent to a charity ... for example, one that protects mothers in Africa by providing solar cookers, to prevent 10 miles of walking for firewood. But something about supporting mothers will lessen the sting of having given a gift away, but will make it clear that you are no longer comfortable in such a lop-sided relationship.
This right here is why I never like accepting random gifts from people; when they throw it back in your face after claiming for years that they did it just because they cared. I hope that you guys can figure things out, but if there is a way where your husband can tell your MIL that you appreciate all of her help in the past, but you don?t need it anymore. That is, unless you are fine for her throwing it in your face again.
Best of luck!
I see this all the time on here, but I really disagree with you a lot on this. When I married my husband his family became mine and mine became his, actually I felt this way a long time before we even got engaged. If I have a problem with his mother I would hate to feel like I couldn't approach her or him feel the same with mine. I would never run and tattle tale to my husband about any adult and it is no different with his family. If he came to me with a "well your mom/dad did this..." I would say well go say something about it.
I have a hard time understanding why two adults can't discuss problems with each other just because they are in-laws. I usually don't say much, but I really don't get this reasoning at all.
I agree