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His loyalty lies with his MIL...and I'm at my breaking point
WARNING: THIS IS VERY LONG
DH and I have been married almost 2 years, and together for almost 6. He has a VERY close relationship with his mother, always has. She always gets over-involved and very possessive about holidays, to the point where I have grown to despise holidays, even we were just dating.
Yes, I did see the warning signs and ignored them. My thinking was, if my DH and I loved each other, we would be able to tackle the mommy issues. I was wrong. It recently has been made VERY clear to me, that his loyalty lies with his mother. He puts his mother's wants before mine, and does not see the manipulation tactics she uses.
A little background on the MIL, she is a very controlling woman, who has 2 boys, (one in which I am married to) and one older son. She and her husband have been married for 30+ years. She has been a SAHM and SAHWife pretty much her entire life. She is always gets what she wants if its from her husband or her 2 boys, and it has been that way her entire life. She has gotten manipulation down to an art. DH has lived with this his entire life, and I almost feel as if he is blinded by her manipulation and control because he knows no different.
The most recent event is what sent me over the edge, and I am contemplating our future at this point. We do not have kids yet, and my fear is that this will only get worse with kids, and I am not sure I am up for "dealing" with having such a controlling MIL with a son (my DH) that cannot stand up to her or have my back.
Details for the recent event that drew the loyalty line in the sand:
I traditionally attend my grandparents fourth of July event every year, have been since I was a little girl. Since DH and I have been together, he has also attended, and EVEN his parents have come because they have not had any other plans. My grandfather was born on July 4 so it was always a tradition to get together for that and the holiday. My grandfather passed away a couple years back, but my Grandmother is still alive, and still lives on the farm. The reality is that my Grandmother has been battling cancer for 5+ years, and she has recently shared with me she has quit treatment. This is very obviously sad for me, and my days are very much limited with her. So when she shared that they would still be having a fourth of July celebration, my priority was her. (Please note she lives 2.5 hours away).
The DH had a different idea, well after his mother called him that is. His brother and SIL invited us to a party they were hosting for the holiday a couple of days after I had received the call from my Grandmother inviting us to hers. Both events, same night, and same time. I explained to the H that it was very important for me to attend my Grandmothers, considering her health conditions. No argument....yet. The MIL caught wind of this, and immediatley put the DH on a guilt trip, and fed him a bunch of bs on why we should come to the brother's celebration. Please keep in mind, the SIL and I do not have a good relationship, it is forced, and neither of us really like each other. So lets just it's miserable for both of us being around each other.
After his mother called with the guilt trip, that is where the fight began. He said " Can't we make both of these work?" By this he meant, us to travel up to my Grandmother's the day before and leave before the celebration even took place on July 4, and then drive back to go to attend his brothers. My first thought is, why on earth given my Grandmother's situation would he even suggest I miss the traditional event on that evening? It wasn't comprimising at all, it was him giving his mother what she wanted.
This is already very long so I am going to try and summarize. To this day, he cannot understand why I needed to be with my Grandmother the NIGHT of the event (even thought I have repeatedly explained that it is a tradition, and this may be the last opportunity I have). His loyalty lies with his mother, and it always has. He will never back me even in a situation where it is very clear that I should be backed. To me it wasn't about "winning" the DH to spend time with me and my family, it was about spending time with my dying Grandmother on a traditional event we have had my entire life. For his mother, it was about winning. And she won. He allowed her to win. We ended up going seperatley to both events which I might add was his mother's idea as well.
I am now looking ahead at our future and have thought about this long and hard on how this controlling MIL with a DH that doesn't have my back will affect our future family. Please also note that this occurs EVERY holiday, his mother is not used to sharing AT ALL. Never has been able to, and every holiday is a fight. What's so ironic about the situation is that the MIL only goes to ONE family event for her husband once a year, Christmas Eve. That is all her husband gets.
Yet she expects me to give the DH's family every holiday? I don't want to spend my holidays transporting from one home to the next just so the MIL gets her fair share. It's sickening.
It would be 100% different if he could ever tell her no, or back me, but he never has, and my fear is he never will. That is why I am unsure at this point in our relationship if I should sentence myself to this life. My biggest concern is, how is she going to control our kids? How is she going to manipulate them to get her way? I don't want that for my kids! I also feel like I deserve a man where he loves me enough to put my wants and needs ahead of his own mother's.
Is this too much to ask? Should I just deal with the fact that his mother will continue to get her way as long as she is still around?
Any advice on whether to stay or to go before it's too late (KIDS) would be greatly appreciated. I have already asked him once about counseling, and he stated that he was not open to that, I plan to ask him again)
(Extra side note : Both of our immediate families live within 20 minutes of us excluding my father and Grandmother)
Re: His loyalty lies with his MIL...and I'm at my breaking point
Your fears are definitely grounded. You bet it will get worse once kids come. He will side with her on what the child will be named, how to deocrate the nursery, what schools the children will attend etc. Oh and you better get used to the idea of your MIL being in the delivery room and seeing your hoo-ha while you are in the most uncomfortable pain of your life and while you poop and pee all over yourself. You also better get used to your MIL spending as much time at your home as she pleases and telling you how to parent your children. I guarantee this will be your future.
My adivce would be to run like the wind, but you could try marriage counseling. If your husband can prove that he can make you a priority and uphold his vows for around a year, then sure consider TTC with him. Until that happens, you better leave or double up on BC. Mark my words this will not get better.
You just described my relationship with my now ex-FI and his family. I too saw the warning signs and I had the same issues with him not standing up to his mother, his family in general and he did not stand up for himself, or he and I and he did not stand up for me. He made excuses for them or "you know, you could have done XYZ".
I ended the engagement. He knew exactly why and even said he "wanted to have his cake and eat it too."
Please feel free to drop me a PM.
I also believed that things would get worse with children. And it was a major contributing factor in my deciding to leave.
I agree w/ PPs that this relationship will only get worse as these people (MIL and DH) are most likely not going to change. I was in a similar situation with my ex-FI and we went to some counseling that finally made me realize that I wanted more for myself and that he really was okay with the way his mother dictated his life.
It is okay for you to want more. There are plenty of men who do not have these kinds of issues.
I suggest you pick up a copy of the book When he's married to mom.
http://www.amazon.com/When-Hes-Married-Mom-Mother-Enmeshed/dp/0743291387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310583600&sr=8-1
DogLove - where were you when I could have used this book!
Excellent suggestion.
It is okay to want more! Once I ended things I realized that I was not living my life the way I wanted to at all. I never realized how much his family issues held me back.
If you have kids before figuring this out, it will get infinitely worse. Do whatever you have to, to not get pregnant right now!
There has to be some compromise in the relationship. The July 4th details are really saddening. I think the fact he couldn't attend a single holiday that's very important to you, especially given the circumstances, really defines the future of the relationship.
I don't know if there's going to be any way to reconcile this. He obviously feels that he has a close and meaningful relationship with his mother, even if you see it as controlling and abusive. Most any attempt to intervene, especially any ultimatum, is going to put him on defense of his mother's side, which will further impede your ability to get him to understand your position. Without the ability of a 3rd party to mediate the situation, he's already made up the decision for both of you.
Unless your husband wants this situation to change (which he clearly doesn't), then there is no hope.
Cut your losses and move on. If you think it's bad now, it will be 1000x worse with kids. You owe more to yourself. You also owe more to your future children - do you really want them to grow up thinking that this is all okay?
Take all of the anger and resentment that you obviously feel towards your MIL and put it where it belongs - square on your husband. HE is the one who is falling for the guilt trips, HE is the one putting his mother's wants before your wants, HE is the one who is being a crappy spouse.
MIL would have no power whatsoever if your husband wasn't giving it to her.
And you can bet your assss that it will get worse when/if you have kids. You'll be reduced to a passive role in their parenting, while your husband hands over the reigns and power to his mother and tells you to deal with it.
It's your life - if this is the way that you want to live it, continue on. Otherwise, you may find that you have some tough decisions and ultimatums to make.
No, it isn't too much to ask. And yes, you do deserve a man who loves you enough to put you first.
Have you ever sat down with your DH and flat-out told him what you wrote there? What did he say? How did he react?
I dont' even know what to say. The 4th of July story... wow.
I agree w/ everyone else.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is what I was going to say. Its not the MIL that has the power to change this situation. Your husband has to be the one t wake up and change how he deals with his mother. It was very very bad of him to basically ignore your situation with a grandmother who might not be alive much longer. Because your MIL will never change talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and let him know the situation needs to change or you might not be around that long. Usually I don't give advice about people needing to divorce but if he doesn't change thats what i would tell you to do. Also if the situation doesn't change then never have kids with him or else your MIL will definately control this as well. Im sorry you have to go threw this and hope your situation gets better.
I replied to your question, but it didn't post with it like I thought it would so I decided I better quote it!
I have told him that he never backs me to his mother, and he always says "I back you a lot", but then can NEVER tell me what it is. I can't think of any examples, and if there is something that happened that I am not aware of, I told him now is the time to share! Before it's too late. I plan to reiterate my fears of how this will affect our children, marriage, etc. on our next discussion when I will also bring up counseling again. He does not know that I have already consulted a lawyer, and I feel like I need to tell him so he knows I am serious.
Sorry you're dealing w/ this....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't know if it would matter, but... you never know!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Remember actions speak louder than words. HE might say he backs you up, but obviously those are just empty words. If he truly backed you up, then the 4th of July thing would have never been an issue. He would have simply said "Mom, this will most likely be my wife's 4th of July with her grandmother. It is very important to her that we both be there and I am not going to discuss this any further."
He has shown with his actions time and time and time again that he cares more about her feelings than yours. This is a character flaw that I really don't think counseling can correct.
I promise you if you don't get out of this soon, you will regret it. Situations like this simply don't get better.
Well you probably won't. He cares more about her than he does about you. She is number one and you are number two, who knows maybe even three or four.
Listen, you married a mama's boy. You made a mistake by not nipping this in the bud when you were dating, but that doesn't mean you have to be miserable for the rest of your life. Let him go. Trust me, there are many many men who would have no problem telling their mother " Not this year, we are spending the 4th with my wife's family." Again, this will not get better and unless you want to spend every Christmas morning at her home because she wants to see her grandbabies, I suggest you listen to your gut and move on.
i'm so glad to hear that you're not having kids with him yet-kudos to you for learning from the mistake of thinking it would change after marriage-that's a good thing! i think you're right-it WILL get worse post-kid.
while i rarely condone them it might be ultimatum time. i dont think that his family or your family should monopolize your time-ti should be even and agreed on, not so one sided and he CERTAINLY needs to learn to tell his mom 'no' and to put you first and be fair about it. he shapes up or you ship out. i totally understand your need to see your grandma. if dh did taht to me i would've told him to go to his bro's and i'd go to my family's party. just because HE can't say no to her doesn't mean YOU have to follow him.
good luck to you.
Also, if you are at this point, make sure you have all your ducks in a row (if you don't already) - have copies of all important documents, financial records, bank statements, etc. Your lawyer can obviously tell you how to make sure you are protected in the event his response to you is "I don't care about saving our marriage."
You are so right. Kind of like the previous post where they said that their FI or DH was OK with his mother controlling his life. I think that is the case with my DH. It doesn't bother him and he is ok with the control.
Run. NOW.
This is my MIL to a T with BIL. She tried pulling this crap with my H and after some very effective counseling he put the kibosh on her behavior. She occasionally tests him and he never backs down so the problem no longer affects our relationship. Most of the time our existence is ignored- perfectly fine by me as I prefer it that way.
Now, onto BIL- he has a child and MIL was literally so over-involved and crazy that it drove xSIL and him apart by the childs 3rd BDay. xSIL thought it was bad then? You should see the situation now- its a g*damn mess. MIL is involved of EVERY aspect of BIL raising this child on his days... and even over involves herself when xSIL has him. She actually follows {stalks really} xSIL around and reports to BIL her every move when she "happen" to pass her or drive past her apt or run into her at xyz place. Its literally insane. I have so many stories of what MIL has done, I could write a book and no one would believe half the stuff in it. And it all stems from her not losing "her boys". DO NOT have children with this man. Your life will be a living he!!...
Wow. This sentence. I cannot get over it...
The fact that MIL would even suggest this idea and the bigger issue of DH actually seeing nothing wrong with it...
I am sorry, OP, it looks like this marriage was over long before it started. I don't know that I would even entertain the idea of counceling. You cannot *change* someone's feelings, and DH would've rather spent his time w/MIL & his [old] family than with you, his now family...
I would wait until after you ask him to go to counseling again to disclose this. That way, you can get an idea of whether he's truly committed to changing the dynamics of your relationship, or whether he just agrees to go so you don't leave. You shouldn't have to threaten to leave for him exhibit a modicum of concern for your feelings, you know?