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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: His loyalty lies with his MIL...and I'm at my breaking point
This is all I needed to read:
I was wrong. It recently has been made VERY clear to me, that his loyalty lies with his mother. He puts his mother's wants before mine, and does not see the manipulation tactics she uses.
The only thing I can suggest is that you and he move to the hinterland somewhere and completely cut her out of your lives -- and that he makes it known that she is the reason why you are moving and that you and he will have positively zero contact with her.
Is this a cultural thing?
If it is, you've got double trouble. What is normal for certain cultures is not normal for ours (and I'm sure that it's possible that other cultures find our ways of life and how we interact with ILs and parents positively strange, compared to theirs)
That said, he has to take YOUR side. This is not only immaturity it is poor character. A man who won't put his wife before all others is no man at all.
You summed up my exact thoughts, the fact that the MIL even suggested it makes me sick, and that he didn't see anything wrong with it made it even sicker, and really opened my eyes to our future and how it will go. Although I will suggest counseling one last time, I know that it will be a far reach to get him to understand my point of view, and my frustrations, I also totally agree that I cannot change his "feelings."
Even if he "says" it will change, like a lot of you said, actions speak louder than words. I like also the idea of putting a timeline on it.
That is exactly what I was contemplating when questioning whether I should bring this up or not. Thank you much for your advice, it is so very helpful and very insightful. My biggest fear, it being too late for him to FINALLY voice his not wanting me to leave. And like you said, I don't want him to just say that just because he is scared to not have me, I want him to say that because he truly does love and care about me, which after this situation, it seems like that is not the case at all.
No, not a cultural thing at all, thank you for your advice and thoughts on this.
Well I am sure he won't want you to leave. However, not enough to say anything to his mom, at least not for an extended amount of time. Again, if he has to choose between upsetting you and upsetting her, he chooses upsetting you.
Also, don't listen to his " I do back you up" crap. That is obviously not true. I mean he had the perfect opportunity to stand by you and present an united front ot his mom, but he chose not to. He would rather hang out with his family then be there for you and your grandmother on her last important family tradition. You would think saying " Hey this is probably my wife's last 4th with her grandmother" would be suffice, but it isn't. This man has no consideration or empathy for you or your feelings. This is a serious character flaw and I honestly would just leave. Sure try counseling for peace of mind but I really don't think he will ever " get it."
My MIL has too suggested this - our first Easter as a married couple because things werent going her way time wise. Because my H's loyalty is with me, we did not see her at all that Easter. He was so irate he drove straight to her house to have a discussion with her (aka scream at her) this was not an acceptable answer and if she ever suggested it again, she wouldnt be seeing us for any holidays in the future. Because she does a lot of this behind FIL's back, he also wanted FIL to witness this so he would understand why werent there because she would have lied to him. FIL was even floored and says it didnt matter what time we got together because they had nothing to do all day. To her it was all about control and winning.
Not to make you think too much, but add a child to your situation. Who gets to take him/her when you aren't at the same place? You think MIL is gonna stand for you taking child off to the other party? and is H gonna back that? xSIL gave up all her family events if they were on the same day as MIL because BIL would never not spend the whole day on a holiday without his mommy.
I don't understand how this continues. How did you react when he tells you that his mom says you should do holidays separately because you aren't married yet? How did you react when he told you his mom says that you should do the 4th separately? Did you yell "The day I say vows to marry your mother is the day I start giving a damn what she thinks we should do in OUR marriage"? Or did you accept this meekly albeit resentfully? When he didn't get why you wanted to spend the 4th with your grandmother, did you accept meekly, or did you yell "I'm going to spend time with my loved one who is DYING, you insensitive horse's ass!"? Your part matters here.
Of course, I think he's a dud either way, but I suspect that you're contributing to the situation.
This is really key. If you do send him the ultimatum and if he's a submissive person, he'll most likely appease you to keep the relationship alive. This doesn't mean he's changed or anything for the long term.
I seriously think his actions have already spoken for him. An ultimatum or counseling isn't going to help at this point, and his personality may never work with anyone unless they can handle being controlled by the family matriarch.
I put my foot down saying there was no way in hell I was going to "comprimise" and give up the evening of the fourth, that to me was NO comprimise. It was his workaround gettilng what he (his mother) wanted. I stated it was a "non-negotiable" given the situation on my side. Like I said, I was going for my Grandmother, not to "win". He kept quiet after that, and let us go our seperate ways. NOW, he stands by the fact that I did NOT comprimise and that is why he didn't go with me.
As my story may seem as if I am submissive to this behavior, I am not. He told me that his mother was the one who suggested we do it seperatley was after the actual holiday in a "post-fight". At that point I made the comment that his mom did indeed put the seed in his brain, and he was more "married" to his mother than he was to me.
Dear God, what a complete jerk. I can't believe he tried to make you out to be the bad guy for not "compromising."
I honestly don't know how you could stand the sight of him after that. The fact that he didn't want to accompany you on the trip and be there for you speaks volumes about him. I would shudder at the thought of making myself intimately vulnerable to him, much less have children with him.
I bet mommy came up with that one too.
What, exactly, was his reason for leaving you at your grandmother's to attend his brother's party? How did he justify it, even in his own mind?
You did not trust your instincts and judgement about marrying a momma's boy. Please, trust them now and do not have children with him. If you intend to bring up the lawyer then do not do it as a threat. Follow through with actions. Frankly, he sounds like a lost cause. I can picture you a lot happier and wondering what took you so long to smell the roses once you leave him to his momma.
(shudder to think of child custody issues with this woman)
This this this!
Even if DH goes to counseling to "change" or, let's just say realistically, to "practically adjust" to what you want & your expectations of him, it will never be right.
Any mother at any given time can suggest absurb ideas, but bottomline is: people do what they want to do. period. The big question here is, why doesn't DH want to spend time w/you? Why would he rather spend it with MIL & the rest of them?
This. Been there, done that. Trust me, this biitch will drive you crazy. You married a momma's boy, he's not about to change.
I am sorry you are going through this too. I can completely relate as I think we have the same MIL except mine only lives 25 mins from us. You are completely right - it gets worse with kids. We did her stupid holiday crap the whole time we dated and the first year we were married. I told DH before we even had kids that once we did I would no longer do xmas morning at anyone's house..our child would have xmas at home like we did. When we did this when our DS was born, MIL got pissed. She finally said something to me about it. I asked her how her kids spent xmas morning when they were young. She said "at home of course". I said "exactly, that is why our son will spend it at his home too.....just like you did, but you are welcome to join us and even spend Xmas eve over if you would like to be a part of his xmas morning". I was more than nice. She held a grudge for a few years. Finally after 3 years she went off on me. She is no longer really welcome for many things....I only invite her to things when I have to. I have seen her maybe 6 times in the past 1 1/2 years...unfortunatly that's the same for my son. This has caused huge stress in our marriage...it is always an ongoing fight every time a family event comes up and she is involved. I am only sharing this so you know it does get worse with kids. I could go on about stories of what MIL has done and how she has tried to control our lives and how she resents me for not allowing it....but I won't. I just want you to know you are not alone.
I finally told DH that his mom was disrespectful to him, DS and me by trying to destroy our family and ruin our marriage by being so selfish. DH is an adult. His mom needs to respect he can live his life the way HE wants. He is no longer 8 years old and has to listen to her. I told him that she is treating him like a child and that is wrong. He is capable of living his life any way he chooses and with whom he chooses. I also asked him what MIL would do if her MIL did half of what she has done to us, to her. He agreed she would not allow that. He has talked with her but I think she will always be the same selfish, self centered, controlling person. I feel sorry for her because she has cut herself out of our lives by her actions. DH has told her all of this but I still feel like sometimes his loyalty is with her. We are now moving 5 hours away...I am glad to have distance but freaking out on when she wants to visit. I will SAH once we move....what will I do with her there and DS at school for a visit? I want nothing to do with her.....I will for sure need to drink heavily or take xanax when she is there.....
I am sorry you are also in the nasty MIL club....it's a club no one wants to join. I wish I had great answers to your questions or better suggestions....hugs!