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Possibly Flame-Worthy - H and In-law related
Does anyone else like their in-laws okay, but isn't excited about spending time with them because it's downright boring?
Background - we see them 1-2 times a year (we live about 3 1/2 hrs away). I do not enjoy staying at their house - it is cramped and uncomfortable. He wants to stay there to not upset his parents, while I prefer a hotel stay. We have come up with a compromise - when we go there to visit them, we stay with them, and when we go there to do other things, we stay in a hotel. This is our hometown, by the way, so we occasionally go there to see other people and/or do other things.
This Saturday we are going there for a high school alumni get-together. Since it was something I wanted to attend, and it's not in-law related, I booked a hotel. I asked H if he wanted to visit with his parents for a few hours since we would have some free time, and he first said no - he'd get too many questions about why we weren't staying with them. I got exasperated with him and said it's time for someone to put on their big kid pants and realize that it's not all about them. He didn't like that. Now he decided he is going to call them and let them know that we will be in town, and that we can see them for a while on Saturday AND Sunday. Both days, really?!!? How about either/or? Is this absolutely necessary? Am I being a total witch about this?
Re: Possibly Flame-Worthy - H and In-law related
I feel you. But luckily, DH is on the same page as me. He obviously loves and cares for his parents, but these days, it's hard to have a real conversation w/ them. When we spend time w/ my parents, afterwards, DH will say "Why can't it be like that w/ my parents?".
And in turn, this does play a role in how often we see them. We live closer to them so we see them more than you see yours, but there are times we could see them more- but we actively choose not too because it's, at a simple level, boring.
I get why you're exasperated, but try to not be and try to TALK to him. Tell him that you understand why he feels the pressure he does, but that you do feel he needs to direct them towards understanding that you're not always going to stay w/ them.
But - he needs to not over explain it. They ask "why aren't yo ustaying w/ us?" - "it just works better for this trip for us to get a hotel". They keep pushing? "I know you'd like for us to stay w/ you and we appreciate that, but for this trip, this is what worked best for us.". Repeat and rinse.
As for seeing them twice - do you have time? If you do, then perhaps suck it up and just do it. Originally, your DH just said "no" to calling them at all, but at YOUR insistence/exasperation, he turned it into twice. I get your annoyance, but I also can see why he was pissed too.
But if you genuinely don't have time, that work w/ that fact. Not on "2 times is too much" but on "we don't have time".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You can't always get what you want. Okay, lame Rolling Stones quote. That aside, you don't want him not to call them, but two days is too much. You need to suck it up. There are worse things than being bored for 2 days.
How does asking him if he wanted to see them equate to "giving him crap"? I was making a suggestion. I can handle a few hours, just not a 24/7 stay with them.
"Now he decided he is going to call them and let them know that we will be in town, and that we can see them for a while on Saturday AND Sunday. Both days, really?!!? How about either/or? Is this absolutely necessary? Am I being a total witch about this?"
no. you dont have to go both days if he refuses to change it to only one day that you both go. he needs to learn to ask you first before committing to plans like that.
If you only see them once or twice a year and you don't have anything else planned and have the time to see them both days, then I would go. If you saw them more often then I would say he could just go alone, but you barely ever have to deal with them and it's not like they're mean to you, they're just boring.
I'm not keeping H from seeing them and talking to them - it's not like he doesn't talk to them on the phone every week. I just don't share his enthusiasm for long visits with them. We don't have anything in common but H, so there really isn't anything to say.
You said:
"I asked H if he wanted to visit with his parents for a few hours since we would have some free time, and he first said no - he'd get too many questions about why we weren't staying with them. I got exasperated with him and said it's time for someone to put on their big kid pants and realize that it's not all about them."
Telling him to put on his big kid pants is giving him crap. Now you have to put on yours and deal with the result of your comment to him.
That was my way of letting him know that it wasn't a family visit, so it's my turn to pick where we are staying instead of him. The last 6 times we went, we've stayed at in-laws. One time out of 7 isn't too much to ask. Isn't it possible that H is putting his parents' feelings before my comfort? If we stayed in a hotel more often, I wouldn't mind the visits as much.
You are contradicting yourself. You are staying in a hotel this time and you are upset that he plans on seeing them Saturday and Sunday.
You really need to give the guy a break. If he was asking or expecting you to stay with them once a month, or if they were hateful drunks that called you names and treated you like sh!t I'd say you have a point, but by your own admission they are good people that bore you.
Do you really not have enough love & empathy for your H to suck it up and be bored for a couple of days a year?
I get you not wanting to stay there, and that's totally fair. But it's his parent's and he knows how they'll react to things. If he doesn't want to tell them you're coming in order to avoid a guilt trip, is that really something worth arguing with him about? He's not giving you crap about staying in a hotel, but on the same hand he doesn't want to hear it from them. My IL's are a pain in the ass and if we lived far away but didn't want to stay with them when we were in town, I'm sure they'd be jerks about it, so if H said he didn't want to deal that I wouldn't blame him. And it doesn't sound like he's saying that he wants you to stay with them this time, but just that since you don't have plans he'd like to see them both days. If he was saying "NO!!! We have to stay with them" then I'd say he was putting them before you, but he's not. You can't get mad because he doesn't choose to see them the exact amount of time that you feel is appropriate. You were upset when he wasn't going to see them at all, and now you're upset that it's too much. That's not fair.
I feel your pain with this, as DH & I have absoulutely nothing in common and/or to talk about with his parents either. However, there are worse things.
You mentioned they are just flat out boring. Some IL's (or a lot) are flat out mean. How would you like if instead of visiting with them being kind of dull, it was kind of offensive? If instead of them having polite small chat, they insulted and belittled? I know, I know, you always want what you don't have
Considering you only have to *deal* with the IL's 2x a year, I'd really let this one slide. Who cares if you see them twice that weekend when you're in town instead of just once? I agree with PP's, suck it up. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the ones you love. Now, if it wasn't important to DH to see his parents than that would be a different story.
You mentioned they are just flat out boring. Some IL's (or a lot) are flat out mean. How would you like if instead of visiting with them being kind of dull, it was kind of offensive? If instead of them having polite small chat, they insulted and belittled? I know, I know, you always want what you don't have
You make a good point - I would have no tolerance for any offensive behavior though, and he would be making all trips solo if they were those types of people. They also wouldn't be welcome in my home. It is a bit off-putting to be sitting there and have them no one speak to you or speak around you like you aren't there. No, I don't know the people they are talking about, or the days of the past they are speaking about - I have nothing to contribute. Nodding, smiling, or cracking a book is what I do, and I've had enough after a few hours.
Again, you don't seem to be taking your H's feeling in to account. Has he really never done anything in the course of a normal year for you that isn't his ideal way to spend time? He never goes to a movie that's more you taste that his, or a restaurant, sits through an evening with friends of yours that he's just meh on?Sometimes we sacrifice for the people we love and this just doesn't, IMO, seem like a huge sacrifice on your part.
Not to go all psycho-babble on you, but you've posted a few times about your strained relationship with your mom and how you don't enjoy spending time with her, so I'm wondering if you just can't understand how spending time with them can be important to him.
I'm not saying that you should have to stay with them every time you go, but spending a few hours with them both days shouldn't be such an ordeal.
On a follow-up convo with H, he said that was deliberately vague with them about what time we were coming in on Saturday, so expectations were set that it would probably be just Sunday.
No, I don't ask my husband to just suck it up and go to a restaurant or a movie or see friends. Maybe he does it anyway, but I'm not a mind-reader. I don't expect him to do things he doesn't enjoy with his discretionary time, other than chores that we share responsibility on.
My GPILs seem to be bit like your ILs. I find them boring and socially awkward to be around. They don't own a television and their idea of fun is putting together puzzles. In addition when we go there, we have long periods of silence or we literally talk about the weather. At first it was very foreign to me. I come from a big loud family and our TV is on a lot because I like the noise. When we are around them, I have to remind myself that they are not wrong, bad, or weird; they are just different. Just like I am different to them.
I agree that is is so weird to sit there with nothing to talk about ( well besides the weather). Finally, I found a topic that they like to discuss, their heritage. I got them talking about their heritage, their parents, what their town was like when they were growing up, what foods they liked to eat from the "old country" etc. We had conversation that lasted hours, and you know what, it was kinda interesting. My husband even learned info about his background that he never knew. It was also surprising because these are people I never thought I would be able to have a long conversation with.
My advice is to try to find something to talk about. What was their town like growing up, what was your husband lke growing up, where did their parents or grandparents come from. Who knows, you guys might have an interesting conversation.
My guess is, he has probably done this before, even without you knowing...
My parents offer a lovely home with lots of fun activities but I do feel like they want to monopolize my time whenever I am in town. It's a struggle that will simply never go away. And it's not something I can ever solve. I have come to admit that.
In my life, your DH's dilemna would sound something like this:
(Parents) - You're in town, you must come visit. You're coming Saturday, why not Sunday, too? You're visiting Saturday and Sunday, why not sleep over? You're sleeping over, why not take of work and extend it to Monday, too?
I'm not kidding. And I have been EXTREMELY clear and firm for years. I've learned that it's just as painful to say no early-on, as to later-on. Just this weekend, I spent all of Friday and Saturday with them and my mom said "call me on the way home! and when you get home, too!" ... and when I didn't, because I was tired, exhausted and forgot - I got a nasty criticism about it on Sunday. Mom thinks she's being loving and showing I'm needed. She doesn't get (or want to get) that she's being guilt-inducing and smothering.
My advice is to let your DH work it out at his own pace. You don't need to visit beyond what you think is reasonable, so don't. He might show up without you. But do try to keep a sense of humor about it and speak honestly. This won't get solved all at once, but it will get solved. Don't let it be a wedge between you. Let it be something you laugh at together, or at least talk over the guilt together.
It doesn't matter if we have 0 kids or 10 kids together - that's not the point. We don't and aren't going to have kids together. I have children from a prior marriage.
As the relationship stands, I see his parents "enough" for me. I am not keeping him from seeing his family. We travel when it is affordable and when we have time, which isn't often. That's just reality. There isn't enough time or enough money for him to go see them more often. If things were different, I would probably choose to see them only 1-2 times a year anyway, and he could see them more if he wanted.
Nevermind. I gave you a really thoughtful response to a tough situation. But based on this and your other posts, you just sound like a raving b!tch.
And you're probably doing his boring parents a huge favor by staying away from them. You must be a peach to have in the house. The type with a huge chip on her shoulder, constantly sighing and doing everyone a huge favor by being in the room reading a book.
Nice.
That wasn't a response to your post, livin - it was a response to vcjenn about disagreeing about 1-2 times a year being enough when we have kids - it's irrelevant.
Actually, your first post is much appreciated, latter one not so much. I don't sigh or act like a ***. When we stay with them, I am stuck and there is no escape route or reprieve.
All I heard her say was ME ME ME! Pretty Bitchy and self-centered is the way OP is coming across!!!!
I feel sorry for your husband.
Yes, I went there.
I tend to agree with this. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who would only put up with my parents 2 times a year, not because they were rude or inappropriate, but because they weren't exciting enough. You're an adult. Suck it up and do something for your husband, even if you might be bored.
Why, because I'm honest and admit that spending time with his parents isn't enjoyable? Because while I limit my exposure to spending alot of time with them, he is free to see them without me when we can afford for him to do so? When I have limited discretionary time, I don't see where it's wrong to not want to spend time with people that I don't want to - family or no family.