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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Possibly Flame-Worthy - H and In-law related
"Only boring people get bored"
-Ruth Burke, author
That's where you are incorrect - it is okay that I don't want to spend two days in a row with my in-laws when the purpose of the visit wasn't to see them in the first place.
lol - oh ok, you've never been bored in your life. I get it
There is alot more story to this than being "bored", but I didn't want to write a book about it.
I have never been rude to my in-laws - my H would have jumped my case, and I would have deserved it.
The lack of hospitality and warmth when we go there to visit - well, H says they are getting older, that's just the way they are. I told him, well, this is who I am - obviously it's not a good combination. He can overlook things because he's their son, or maybe he is blind to much of it. Someone who hasn't dealt with it all their lives looks at things differently.
I think what you should be upset about is the position it puts your husband in. No you don't have to be forced to visit your inlaws, but why woudln't you do that for your husband? Why wouldn't you do that for your inlaws?
From everything you've posted, you are acting like a kid does when they're forced to see their boring old granma on her birthday. "Granma is BORING, waah waaah! She makes me play scrabble with her, and we have to be there for hours!" Adults don't act like that.
It could probably be very awkward for your husband to have to visit all by himself and explain why you're not there. That's why he'd rather pretend you two weren't even in town in the first place. He would rather not have that conversation at all, and pretend you both weren't even in town. your inlaws are probably very aware of how you feel about them, but are still sweet enough to extend the invite to you anyway.
It's twice a year. Act like a grown up. Don't act like everyone has to entertain you all the time. Why not try entertaining them for once?
You and your husband are a unit now, and while that doesn't mean you have to do everything and anything together with him 24/7 365, it does mean you should support him during the TWO DAYS A YEAR when he wants to see his parents. And I don't mean support him as in "your parents are boring, go have fun without me." Support him as his wife and go visit your inlaws. And for god sakes, while you're there, act like you enjoy visiting them, or your husband will--rightfully--just end up resenting you.
And when they do come to visit us, I do my best to make sure they are comfortable, and we plan a few activities to entertain them, but leave it up to them what they want to do. If they want to stay with us, great, if not, great - we don't give them a guilt trip if they prefer a hotel. I don't understand us going there and me having to play hostess to them in their own house. I'm a guest in their house - it's their turn to be hospitable. They don't reciprocate.
If my H wants me to spend more time with his parents, then he should make an effort to bridge the gap. They are his parents.
How often do they visit you? And are you saying they are inhospitable or boring? There's a big difference.
I'm not suggesting you play hostess, but you can start conversations with them about things you think will interest all of you. There's no reason you need to be entertained. I go to visit my husband's grandmother for three hours every four months (when we go to Pennsylvania). She is very quiet and it would be very easy to get bored while we're there--especially for me since I have no emotional attachment to her. My husband misses her, and he loves me and wants me to know her too. So I go, smile, ask her about her garden, look at her stamp collection and talk to her about my father's stamp collection, laugh with her about Wheel of Fortune--all of this is nowhere near as fun as, say, going on a bike ride. But I do it because it's important to my husband. If I just sat there like a bump on a log and waited for the old lady to entertain me, we'd probably sit there in silence. I don't EXPECT anyone to entertain me. You--as an adult--shouldn't either.
Lol, A favorite quote my mother tells whiny, spoiled rotten children that complain about being bored while they lay around. The OP sounds like a friggan pain in the ass.. Sweetie, get your nose out of the air. I have a feeling his parents would also be relieved if they didn't have to deal with your sour puss either
You just described 90% of inlaw relationships.
Deal with it.
My H grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere. It's probably the most boring place ever. But it has special meaning to him. So I go. Because not everything is about me.
Yep. I think complaining about it, after you were so blunt/rude about his putting on his big boy pants could have that same advice thrown back in your face about visiting with his family. Two short visits, even boring visits, isn't going to kill anyone. Had you not been so aggressive in your statement, which pushed him into his own position (which sounds like he's asserting was always his position, and that the hotel thing might feel insulting to his parents in his own eyes, but something he's done to make life easier for you), then I would say split the visiting - go once and let him follow up on his own without you...but it's not worth a whole marriage battle over something so trite. Go, be bored for two days and the two of you come up with better ways of communicating.
Well, we visit my parents only 1-2 times a year and it is a 7 hour drive. It's never come up, but I'm sure H would prefer to stay in a hotel but we stay with my folks or next door with my sister. Why? Because I like to sit with my mom on the porch early in the morning and have coffee and watch the birds. I like to have a glass of wine with her at the end of the day and then turn in. It's just a couple of days. Unless they are toxic, rude or nasty I would just suck it up and stay there.
I think you need to put on your big girl panties and learn how to deal. For someone who lives only 3.5 hours away and can only budget letting him see his parents 1-2 times per year is pretty sad.
You are self centered and the only thing I get from you posting is ME ME ME ME!! I really feel for your husband.
Also for someone that can spend money on a hotel instead of using my inlaws for FREE I can see that your budgeting skills might need some work if you cant budget for him to see his parents more.
Princess, it's not their job to entertain you. Perhaps find something to do with them while you visit them. Don't just leave it up to them to make the situation fun or interesting.
Once or twice a year is not an absorbanent amount of time that he gets to spend with his parents...suck it up and stay there.
How about telling them that you'd rather not stay at their house because of everything going on that weekend...who exactly needs to put their big girl pants on?
You are being a total witch about this and you knew it when you posted or you wouldn't have called yourself out.
I agree with all these people, too.
As a kid, we saw my mom's parents way more than we saw my dad's parents, and my mom had the same attitude toward his parents as you do toward your H's parents. Even as a kid, I saw that it was wrong of my mom to act that way. I always felt sorry for my dad because we spent more time with mom's family than his. I always thought to myself, Man, it's not fair that dad has to fight for the few days that his whole family (wife and kids) can visit with his parents.
Don't let that be you. I still think my mom was b!tchy to act this way (and she still does it, too).
Yes, I would love to tell his parents a simple "sorry that won't work for us this time." For the record, I didn't tell my H to put on his big boy pants, I said that his parents needed to put on theirs and understand that not every trip there was a blanket expectation that they could monopolize our time. Some trips we go there specifically to see them - every once in a while, such as this one, it wasn't about them. We made ourselves available to spend time with them, but this weekend wasn't about seeing "mom and dad."
And no, I don't behave like a PITA there - I put on a happy face and act like I'm having a good time, for my H. While I could lie to my own H and tell him that spending time with his parents is like heaven to me, I prefer the honest approach. He does not see what outsiders see.
My FIL is great - he is personable and doesn't overstep boundaries - the issues I have is with my MIL. She has called me H's ex-wife name before, and she berated me over the phone after my H's knee surgery because "gasp" I left him up at the hospital alone to take a shower, feed the cat, do laundry, and get the house ready for his discharge the next day.
The in-laws caught a stomach virus from their grandchildren, so they were sick and we didn't end up seeing them this weekend when we were in town.