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Am I wrong or do I fold?
I went though a tough divorce. I am financially drained, depressed, anxious. I have 2 children. I am trying to work my way out of things but for the last 2 years things have been the same. Work, home, kids. I have no one to watch the kids, no friends, my ex-H doesn't have visitation because he is an addict.
A good friend of mine recently moved from a plane ride away to 9 hours away. She asked me to drive down for a weeked to visit. I really want to to get away from everything.
But my parents are against it. I'm almost 40, and they help me when they can with the kids and I've always ended up doing what they say. I know, wrong. Like when I wanted to go away to college my mom cried a lot and I ended up staying home and going nearby.
Anyway, my dad said "oh you are taking your life in your hands, your car is 5 years old and has 90K miles on it. It sounds bad (I don't hear anything.) Its going to be 110 there. Its so far to drive for a small time. Gas prices."
My mom is all, "you can't drive the kids alone. women are getting murdered, kids are getting stolen. What if the car stalls."
I can't afford to rent a car. Now I'm freaking out and thinking I shouldn't go. But its like a challenge to me to do something I didn't ever do, go a place I've never gone. And I don't care about the drive. I need to conquer my fear and get away for a while before I lose my sanity. I feel so depressed.
WWYD?
(I know I have issues and I see a therapist but don't have an appt for 2 weeks.)
Re: Am I wrong or do I fold?
Um, I'd GO!
You recognize the issue you have w/ your parents. Don't fall for it again. Go. Get away. Enjoy yourself. You're an adult. This isn't about having their permission.
And your car is 5 years old and had 90k miles on it? So what? I don't see the issue w/ that at ALL as long as it's otherwise running fine.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are 40...it is time for you to cut the strings and stand on your own. Too bad if they want you to stay home. Get in the car and go. Do NOT call them not matter what. Start learning how to to stuff for yourself.
90k on a car is nothing....when you get back drive yourself to counseling to learn how to cut the strings and deal with your parents!
I would go. No question about it. I think you need to make your own decisions and once you've made the decision just let your folks know where you're going to be. No discussion, you're old enough to figure things out on your own, they may have their concerns but that is their concerns to deal with. You are capable of doing this, I wouldn't let parents or inner fears stop me.
If you're really concerned call up your therapist and let her know what you're planning on doing, I'm sure she'd encourage you to go for it.
I have to add this - what exactly is it that you'd talk to your therapist about with this? The way you phrase it, it sounds like you'd be looking for her/his approval to go. Be careful about that - right now you seem to need your parents approval. Dont' transfer that to your therapist!
This is a decision you really should be able to make on your own.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Of course, you go.
Lots of women I know drive alone and with kids for trips. It wouldn't occur to me to not go because of some crazycakes fear that I'd be murdered and the children stolen. It would suck of the car broke down but you'll get it towed and serviced. I just met a friend's sister who's driving all month across all kinds of states to visit family and friends with her 3 kids, beat-up car and no GPS. She's having a ball. I wasn't the least bit worried for her.
9 hours is long but not that long. Just becuase your parents wouldn't do it, doesn't mean you shouldn't. My DH hates trains and would rather poke out his eyes than travel on them. I love them. I'd hate to drive from NY to FL for a Disney trip but loads of people tell me they love the adventure.
To each their own.
If they've got you worried, buy AAA and bring a credit card and a cell phone with a car charger. That's as much thought as I'd give to their doom and gloom. And next time, I wouldn't tell them my plans.
Do you own a cell phone? Can you afford AAA membership in case your car breaks down and you need help with your car (usually $40)? If so, I'd say go.
I would also say, unless your parents are sitting for your kids, they don't need to know the details of your life. Tell them about trips like this AFTER you have returned.
My parents see the kids daily so I could never just leave. I don't want to confirm with the therapist. I just said that so you know I'm getting help and not ignoring the problem.
I just feel a lot of guilt right now and pressure. My parents are older and have been sick. I help them out. My siblings don't. So I feel like I should be there.
Past that - even though they are sick, you can't live your life for them. You deserve more than that, your kids deserve more than that.
I've been watching my step-mother handle her sister being sick (she's been given 6 months to live). my SM can be the biggest martyr in the world, and even she recognizes that she has to give herself a break from her sister and she has to take care of herself too.
And why don't your siblings help? You can't even reach out to them for a weekend and say "can you cover for me?".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sure you can. Your parents don't HAVE to see your kids every day, and given the unhealthy amount of influence they have over your life, it might be a good idea to decrease the amount of time they spend with your kids, even if you don't take this trip.
Taking care of elderly parents can be difficult, both physically and emotionally. Can you talk to your siblings and explain that you can't do it by yourself, and you need their help? Or are your parents getting to the point where they might need to hire professional help to come to their home or look into an assisted living facility? You can't keep doing it all on your own, especially being a single mom with your own life and kids to worry about. Sure, we might be obligated to care for our parents as they age, but there's only so much that one person can handle. You really should start looking at other options to supplement the care you're giving them.
Go see your friend! 1) you can totally do this and 2) once you do you will feel better. Day by day, make more decisions that switch things up and make you feel good and you will start to feel better. Oh and 3) it's good for your kids to go somewhere new and see something new.
HAVE FUN!
Ditto. You're 40 years old, it's time to grow up and make your own decisions. My car is 17 (!!!) years old and has 170k miles on it and is fine for a drive that far.
Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could really benefit from it and learn how to set boundaries with your parents.
Go on the trip, for all the reasons the PPs listed above. Enjoy.
These are not your parent's children - they are your kids! You are free to do anything you want.
You recognize that your parents' fearfulness has limited you in your life, and has cost you something you cannot get back. You recognize that you do not want this to happen again. You know you are an adult and can make your own decisions. You want to see your friend. And while it's normal for parents to be cautious, their caution does not mean anything other than they're overly cautious; it should not result in you following their over caution.
A nine hour drive on normal highways is perfectly reasonable. You know that cars break down; but you know that people drive cars with more than 90k miles on them all the time. It's reasonable to be concerned that a car might break down; and it's possible to take steps to see that it does not happen to your car, by having the car checked out by your mechanic and having any repairs made that are necessary to keep it in good running order on the way to your friend's house and back. You can also take a cell phone along with you, so that if your car did break down, you can call for help. Many, many cars break down on the road. Very few people are snatched by strangers and killed.
I don't own a car that has less than 100k on it. We travel all over. Enjoy your trip to your friend's house, and drive carefully.
That sounds like my mother; we got the same thing --- and believe me, parents sure have a way of getting under your skin.
Is there a train you can catch, or perhaps a bus that goes to that destination? You need a good ole fashioned break and get away from it all...I WOULD GO!
GO!!! You can handle whatever this trip dishes out!!
And stop letting your parents manipulate you. Stop telling them what you want to do and just DO IT!
Go and have a good time!!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I've been driving by myself for decades. I've broken down on the highway several times (in the years before cell phones) and have managed to survive just fine.
Only 90,000 miles on your car? No problem. I didn't start having serious car trouble until I hit 130,000.
Do you have a cell phone? Do you have something like AAA or towing through your car insurance? If so, you should be fine even if something does happen.
And I'd suggest getting a can of Fix A Flat to have in the car with you. It's been a lifesaver more than once for me.
Get some heavy duty soap and scrub the "DoorMat" off your forhead and toss the kids in the car to go have a fun weekend.
I've driven 23 hour one way trips in my truck that has 150,000 miles on it and have never had a problem.
Bust out a map, circle a McDonalds every 100 miles or so and go enjoy life.
When you truly decide to save yourself and live your own life, it is amazing what it will do for yourself and your children. You are the only one who can right your own ship. You took the first step when you left your bad marriage. Keep going, and work with this therapist to learn how to stand on your own two feet, independent of your parents, your ex, whoever.
AND GO ON THE G-D TRIP. Holy heck. And go, and have fun, and go shopping, and get a pedicure, and have a giant margarita, and just freakin' enjoy yourself.
Thanks ladies! I am going to go. I am raising my kids to be more independent so I know I should do the same.
I have given up on my siblings but I can't be the rescue person all the time.
When I come back, I'll feel like I did something and it will be a step in the right direction!
Ok. reality check! Your car is ONLY 5 years old. My car was 11 years old and had over 150K miles on it and I used to drive 100 miles each way from Cincinnati to Columbus every weekend when I was interning with the state goverment 2 years ago. You need to get out of the rut you are in. Your parents are "guilt-tripping" you - do not let them continue to do that to you because your kids are going to grow up thinking that this safe little restricted life is the way things have to be.
Yes, it is a 9 hour drive, but it is summer time so the daylight hours last longer. Plan your trip so that you leave at 6 or 7am and even with taking breaks at rest stops along the way you should get there way before dark so there really isn't that much risk!
If you are worried that your car is going to break down - go to Mieneke or someplace like that and get an oil change and have them check it out -- they will tell you if your car needs major repair. The oil change does not cost more than about $30 and that is something else that will ease your mind.
GO FOR IT!!! Have fun!
One other thing I have to mention - your post title. "Am I wrong or do I fold?". Do you actually see that these are the same thing?
It should have been either "Am I right or do I fold" or "Am I wrong or do I go?".
Just sayin'.
I just find it interesting that both of your options were where you are in the 'wrong'.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Just saw this post- very happy for you! Let us know how your trip went when you get back! Have a drink for me when you get there!!
Woo-Hoo!!!