Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband is anti-bachelorette party
My husband just about pitched a fit 2 years ago when my sisters gave me a bachelorette party which consisted of dinner and drinks before returning home. Very tame. Now my older brother is getting married next month and I've been invited to his fiancee's bachelorette party which is also very tame, but much longer. Apparently they are starting the day with a hike, later they're going to dinner, then returning to the hotel for a sleepover with sappy chick flicks, the next day they're going to get mani/pedis and then to a spa.
I live in AZ and have to work the night before so I'm flying up to WA where the wedding events will be going on the next morning and crashing in my parents' hotel room before joining the ladies for dinner, movies, and the sleepover before returning to AZ to collect my hubby and go back to WA. (I love working for an airline lol)
My husband is convinced that all bachelorette parties spiral down into girls-gone-wild type things without fail. I think he's watched a few too many movies where the bachelorette party is some big blowout with strippers and improper behavior running rampant. I don't know how many times I've told him that if there is anything like that I will leave either for that portion of the event or for the rest of it if such things will be going on.
He recently pointed out I haven't met my sister-in-law-to-be yet, at least not in person, and is using this as an excuse for his paranoia. I have spoken with my brother's finacee several times over the phone and on facebook and she seems to be a very nice, respectable, reserved person and not the type to want to have anything too wild. She even asked her sister (who is the organizer of the event) to keep it relatively low key.
He says he trust me, but not so much other women. He even gets his hackles up when I mention ladies from the Curves location I go to. Anything that is female-only he is afraid that some woman will seduce me and convince me to become a lesbian. lol
He used to be the same way when I went dancing, when I finally convinved him that no one there was going to seduce me, he then turned his focus to female-only establishments and events... I love him, but he is driving me crazy!!
Has anyone else ever had to deal with this with their hubby/finace/boyfriend and have any tips for me on how to get him to relax about it?
Re: Husband is anti-bachelorette party
Personally, I have never dated a man, let alone would have married one, that would have an issue with me having a life outside of him. I would never marry someone who did not trust my intelligence, common sense or self-control.
And to be honest, I would never date someone that is SO STUPID/TRANSPARENT/LAUGHABLE to use the whole "its not that I dont trust you, but I dont trust everyone else" line either.
So no, I do not have any tips on how to work AROUND your DH's controlling behavior.
My only suggestion is to get yourself into some individual therapy. Because anyone who allows their SO to control them through the concept of "you will turn lesbian" has some self-esteem issues.
You need to explain the mechanics of seduction to your husband. The process of seducing someone takes two people. Some will say one person can "steal" someone, but it takes two to tango my friend. If I was ever at any sort of event and some GGW experience started to happen I would literally say "Wow. I am not into this. I am leaving." I would then leave the room, house, or establishment, call a cab on my cell phone, or walk to the nearest phone. You can't make someone have sex, that's rape.
The bottom line is that he doesn't trust you or he doesn't trust anyone else for that matter. It seems like in his mind the ENTIRE population of the world is on you like Sookie Stackhouse in a room of starved vampires. He needs to get it through his head that although he finds you sexually irresistible, the rest of the world doesn't.
I guess the only advice I have is to turn it against him. Do you think that the world is going to seduce him? Are you afraid that if he goes to an all male event some broke back mountain bs will happen? If not then he should understand how you can walk down the street with a girlfriend without being seduced.
I doesn't trust you and there's not a damned thing you can do about it except leave.
First, yes, I'd like to know if he goes to bachelor parties.
Second, I think it's absolutely hysterical and idiotic that his issue is that he thinks someone is going to turn you into a lesbian. IT's not even other men he's worried about - it's the women you're with. SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!?
Do you think that the world is going to seduce him? Are you afraid that if he goes to an all male event some broke back mountain bs will happen?
And to this above statement - this is actually what makes me think about the whole concept of how often times, when a person starts accusing their spouse of inappropriate behavior based on nothing, it's because they are actually the guilty one and they are projecting their guilt.
As in... I wonder if your DH may have some questions about his own sexuality and has found himself attracted to other men and has himself felt as if he perhaps wanted to be seduced and in turn, is now projecting this onto you.
A stretch, perhaps, but it's a thought that went through my mind.
Regardless- your DH has some real issues on many levels.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think it's normal for us all to have jealous or paranoid moments, but you have to learn to realize that those moments are silly and sometimes you just have to trust people.
If it were me I'd want to know where these feelings were coming from. Has he been cheated on in the past? Been to a few too many crazy parties of his own?
Or perhaps done the cheating? That was my first thought -- he's projecting his guilty behavior on to you.
I agree with the post that says he is hiding his guilt!
He knows if he went somewhere with "the guys" he wouldnt behave in a manner you would approve of, so he thinks you would do the same.
he is an ass
This seems like vital information. Please elaborate.
My husband does not like bachelorette parties because he thinks other men prey on women in bachelorette parties. Which is fairly true. However, I remind my husband how tame I am, that I tend to avoid the crazy stuff, and that I know how to handle myself in a bar/club/other location. He knows my friends and is more afraid of some crazy guy attacking me then anything else.
So I don't think it is totally abnormal for a husband to be hinky about his wife or girlfriend going to a bachelorette party. The lesbian part is a bit of a twist as it does not sound like you have expressed interest in other women sexually. In the end, it's about trust.
My thought is that you and your husband may want to explore why he is afraid of you becoming a lesbian. This may be because he has some feelings towards men or not, but it is something to pursue. A licensed therapist, family counselor, religious person, or other objective mediator would probably be helpful.
There isn't anything funny about this. Not only is your husband's attitude harmful to you, he's also perpetuating the reprehensible notion that gay people are predators who try to "recruit" straight people to their ranks. I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you because I can't imagine choosing to marry a misogynistic homophobe.
Face Painting Blog | Body Art Blog
Legal Blog
Why in the world are you flying back to AZ. Even if it's free, isn't that a huge waste of time for you?
Unless there is some logical explanation I'm missing, I think you are in a pattern of being a bit controlled by your DH and he's keeping you on a very tight leash.
Thank you! Exactly what the hell is up with that?
Your H sounds like a 2 year old with a lot of trust issues i predict come form something he has done in the past. He does not trust you, is controlling, and just reading your post exhausted me, i cant imagine dealing with all the BS in real life.
Eventually his lack of trust, immaturity, and insecurity will ruin your marriage. You need to get some help to fix it now!
This. He either trusts you or he doesn't. Clearly, in this case he doesn't.
I think its fishy that he is so distrusting of you. It makes me think he might have something to hide himself.
In the end if he has no reason to distrust you he needs to let you go and have a good time. You should not have to explain to him or deal with an interrogation every time you want to do something social with other women. This is something normal people do every day, it's not some weird debauchery that will corrupt you.
Another vote for controlling and projecting.
I really wish she's come back and answer the question about the 5 days of dating before getting engaged. Pushing someone into a commitment in a short amount of time is also a sign of controlling behavior.
Maybe her airline perks only apply to a second person if you are flying with them at the time? So for a free trip for him she would have to fly back, meet him at the airport and then fly with him?
I do agree though that it is a huge waste of time if this is the case.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Really, all I have to add is PLEASE, PLEASE do not have any children with this...I'm sorry, I can't even think of a noun to acccurately describe him. The world already has enough screwed up people in it,m don't create another poor soul that doesn't have a chance at a normal life from day one.
If he wasn't okay with you going to a bachelorette party with strippers and excessive drinking, I would say that he might have a legitimate point. There are plenty of women out there who aren't okay with their husbands going to bachelor parties with strippers and excessive drinking.
But this whole "you can't go anywhere with a group of women because I don't trust women" is absurd and controlling. It borders on abusive behavior -- one very common tactic for abusers is that they attempt to isolate the abusee from friends and family members. I suspect one reason your DH is very adamantly against your having female friends is that other women would tell you that his behavior is neither normal nor healthy.
Add to that, he's being downright insulting to imply that you are so lacking in free will and self-control that you could be seduced all unwittingly. Not to mention his nasty homophobic stereotype.
She claims to be a flight attendent and yet she doesn't appear to be the svelt sort of girl who would meet the weight requirements of any airline I fly. Just sayin'.
I also suspect if you meet a guy on a site called "Equally Yoked" you're going to meet the sort of guy who hasn't been successful with real women in the real world.
Your dh is projecting his own behavior patterns on to you. He's sure you'll be tempted because he's tempted when he goes out. He's sure you'll give in to temptation because he does. Which is why he's so sure it happens, because it happens to him. Pretty often, too, I'd bet.
How often does he get drunk/get 'tempted' by others?
That has to be right... it says they met in July 2008 and then she says they got married in October 2009, fifteen months after they got engaged.
are you joking?! have I ever dealt with anything like that? no way-even further i wouldn't have ever married a man (i wouldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes on a date if I knew someone was like that) who didn't trust me-because that's really the core of this you know-that he doesn't trust you to make the right decisions. forget his silly excuses about spiraling out of control. he's got self-esteem issues himself and doens't trust you a bit.
tell him to F off, grow up and go enjoy yourself.