Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: PORN??
Yeah, don't try to play the lost baby card and think it'll keep people from not touching the reason why you're a grown azz, married woman living with your parents.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
OK, well, I've also had a m/c and went through a divorce while working full time (and my job is more than 40 hours a week). I still managed to live on my own.
Life is going to be tough for you.
OK, wow, I must really be slow.
So, to you, it's OK for your H to lie to you, because he is just not smart enough not to? He is not smart enough to know the difference between the truth and something he made up?
Does the fire truck tip over when he drives it?
Okay, honey, I'm going to try to address this point by point. I'm not necessarily trying to desuade you from not liking porn but I would like for you to think about this a little.
First off, no one's sexuality it 100% tied to their spouse. I don't think it's reasonable to expect his every sexual urge or feeling to come back to you and you alone. Obviously it should never go to another person either physically or emotionally but that's not what's happening anyway when a person looks at porn.
Secondly, if he's looking at porn while he's on 48 hours shifts then he's not choosing porn over you. He's choosing porn because you aren't an option, because he's looking strictly for a physical release. I guarantee you he's not looking at porn because you haven't sexed him in a certain position or because you don't greet him at the door in a school girl costume. For many people, what they like in porn doesn't have anything to do with what they enjoy in a genuine, physical and intimate sexual relationship.
So for god's sake, please do not devalue yourself by internalizing this and making this about him not being satisfied with you. If he truly isn't satisfied with you then you guys need to sit down and assess your emotional connection, the overall health of the relationship, your living situation, etc.
At no point are you to take his porn watching habits as some kind of sign that you need to mimic what he's watching in porn. If your husband truly wants you to pose like Jenna Jameson, then you've married a pig who views you as his own personal sex toy and you need to get a new husband. Seriously.
Now if he's normal, then he isn't going to want you to mimic a porn chick. In fact, it would probably be a turn off to him if you did. I think most of us on the board who enjoy porn and/or have husbands who do will tell you that neither we nor our spouses are looking for what we see in porn. It's not realistic.
I'm sure you're probably wondering why we enjoy it then. It's not a perfect analogy but look, I like watching Law and Order. I don't want to be a lawyer. I like watching jackass. I don't want to ball tap my husband. I like looking at Clive Owen. I have no interest in sleeping with him.
I don't think you're going to be able to have an open conversation with your husband about porn if you're going to take his responses or lack of responses as an indictment against you. Granted, I don't think this is any excuse for lying to you, not even a little. And honestly, that's the part that would set me off the most. At the same time, if you're going to start crying and making up reasons for why he enjoys porn that leaves him feeling like an assholio, he's going to clam up.
And given that you aren't doing such a good job at expressing your feelings on the matter, I'd hazard it's difficult for him to express himself too. Especially because you two sound really immature, regardless of how old you are.
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ok of corse when we were living alone we had a great sex life. no i dont think that has or had anything to do with porn? but i felt unconvertable when i found out he was watching porn and talking to girls online when we were DATING a few years back continuing on to about a year a year and half ago.
then we moved into my parents house about 1/5years ago i needed a little help as he was deploying for about 6.5months , he returned home in april got married in may (it was all in plan before he left etc. etc. had been searching for a house to buy since.he got home, it hasent even two months yet) the sex has not been what ie was before etc. when i found out he was looking at porn again yes it made me unconvertable, i do not completely understand the need for porn?
and it automatically brings up what came hand in hand with that porn a few years ago ( which was him talking to girls online.. ) so it is obviously a trust issue, but it does effect out sex life, ( i think?)
idk
ah
not playing any card.
sorry your an unhappy person. trying to put other people down and make them feel worse lol its not working here babes
goodluck
I should have read the responses before posting.
You give me a headache.
And you have bigger problems then porn.
I'm actually a very happy person. Any of the people on this board who've met me could tell you that. However, you are acting like a child... not like someone who made the ADULT decision to get married. Grow up and be a big girl!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
no no no im sorry that is not what i am saying at all, sorry!
uagh
LIE! Or the very least, blasphemy!
LOL.
Look, you guys have a LOT of stuff going here between living with your parents, his online cheating, lying, the fact that you think he's dumb, etc. Seriously, him looking at some porn while he's at work is not the issue here.
You guys need to move out of your parents house and go to counseling to work on all of these issues.
So THIS is why you don't like him looking at porn. Because you married a douche.
I've never miscarried but my husband has deployed three times, two one year deployments, one 15 month deployment. The 15 month one came five months after we married, two months after we moved 8 hours away from our old home and 16 hours away from where my parents live. Three months into that deployment, I needed my wisdom teeth pulled. Also, I had two small children to take care for every last one of those deployments.
So I would appreciate it if you didn't respond to me as if I was talking out of my ass. You could have stayed on your own like a grown up but you choose to move back in with mommy and daddy. If you're going to accuse your H of childish behavior, you need to own your own beebee tendencies.
You can also lay off calling people unhappy simply because they don't agree with you. You're the one in near tears about your H's porn use so who's the unhappy one here?
It seems the real problem here is not the porn use but that you chose to marry a man that you hadn't forgiven hime for betraying your trust before nor worked through that issue. You seem to associate his porn consumption with talking to other women. So when you found out he was watching porn, you immediately jumped back to how you felt when he was talking to those other women.
Instead of confronting him like a big girl and explaining exactly what bothers you about this whole situation, you jumped to some emotional fancy pants bullshiit that doesn't address the issue.
Do you even understand what you're issue is here?
Your issue seems to be that you married a man you don't fully trust. And you need to work through that. Do you believe he still talks to other women? Because that's your true worry here. Catching him with porn now and then just gives you another reason to fall back on that trust.
There are two possible reasons for this. Either what he did while you were dating so undermined your trust and you've never completely forgiven him. Or your gut instinct is telling you that your husband is absolutely unworthy of your trust.
I think you need to decide which one it is.
Click me, click me!
I suggest counseling.
Individual and couples.
You can get through this, but only with the counseling.
Good Luck!
Oh and given that your husband repeatedly lies to your face, stammers, and shuts down when confronted, I'm willing to bet 60/40 in favor of your husband being unworthy of your trust.
And honestly, when you talk to him again, that's what you need to bring up.
aka, look, remember back in the day when you were talking to random chicks online? Yeah, ever since then, I've felt like I can't trust you. And when I catch you lying to my face about something as simple as porn, it makes it worse. Each and every time.
Click me, click me!
i never talkedto you like you were speaking out of your ass??
i thanked you for your advice..
i came here for help and advice and got nothing but people putting ME down and being defensive?
i am a little confused, yes?
i am not sorry i moved back into my parents house, i needed help? lol home should always be home, and i am very thankful they helped me when they could, now we are able to buy a house of our own. at 25 and 26 years old. thank you mom and dad. there is nothing wrong with getting help from your parents??
thanks for all your adivce.
Thank you very much! this is what i have suggested to him before,
and i think i wil bring it up again in hopes he will not "shut down" and say "no"
thank you
Why did you marry a guy who thought that chatting up the skanks online was acceptable? He ruined your trust when you were dating, yet you went on to become engaged and marry this guy. You didn't trust him then, and you don't trust him now.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that when you do try to 'discuss' this issue, you're not calm and rational, which is probably why he clams up (and honestly, I'm basing this on the drama-queen way you've posted your story). I get that you're feeling hurt and betrayed, but I'd venture to say that most guys don't really know how to deal with a screaming, crying wife. Have you truly had any kind of calm, level-headed discussion about how you feel? If not, you may want to see a marriage counselor to help you with communication between the two of you.
And I can't believe no one has brought up the fact that the posts made by the OP are nearly unreadable and give one a headache when trying to get the facts.
i know.. i will try my hardest on getting it through to him
he is stubborn., what man is not? i just dont want to give up and get to the point where enough is enough and i stop caring.
ok so how would you guys suggest i talk to him about it?
i talk VERY calm and wait for his NON responses- responses? i do NOT yell and i talk very calm, quite etc .etc
why, bc i know if i yell, it wont get me anywhere either. i have tried it all. i am a very calm person, and it does not help either
There is something wrong with getting help from your parents if you're supposed to be an adult....which is what you should be when you make the adult decision to get married. So did you just use your parents so that you could save up your own money instead of having to support yourself?
Uhm, when you grow up and get married, your home becomes the one you make with your husband. I think most cultures, societies and religions are fairly unanimous on this. So no, home isn't home.
And there are a ton of ways your parents can help you without you reverting to childish coping mechanisms and running home whenever life gets tough.
At minimum, it does not take six plus months to recover from a miscarriage enough to live on your own. And it certainly doesn't take two grown adults who make at least one living wage two whole month to figure out how to stop living with their parents post deployment.
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yes i was single deiced to move home save my money for 8 months and use it to buy a house.
we are married now for 1.5months and leaving by the 5th but without that 8months would not have had the month to purchase out house.
so nothing wrong with it
thank you mom and dad, our family values are different i guess old Italians
You need counseling. Regardless of the volume of your voice, your words are inflammatory and aggressive. You two do not communicate effectively and a handful of conversations isn't going to address the startling lack of trust or your H's need to lie to your face.
Click me, click me!
Good lord. For starters, really? You're pulling the Italian card but you're telling me you aren't a yeller and you're all nice and calm during arguments? Please. My last name is five syllables and ends in a vowel, honey. I'm well versed in Italian. No family values allow for such a lapse in responsibility. Italians let you come home but even they know when you aren't being a big girl.
In any case, you implied that after you married, you moved home with mommy and daddy. Had you said you were single and chose to move into your parents home, the responses might have been different. Although, honestly unless you were paying rent, they wouldn't have been that much different.
The truth is that if you are not able to pay your bills and save up enough to buy a house without moving in with your parents, you aren't in a financial position to buy a house and shouldn't be. If you are not able to pay for a roof over your head and all your bills without moving in with your parents, you are not in a financial position to get married.
And wait, you've only been married for five whole minutes. How long ago was he chatting up skanks on the internet? Who were these hussies, wtf were they talking about, and how did you catch him at that?
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No, there IS something wrong with it. You mooched and your parents allowed it. You sound woefully unprepared for adulthood. Even though you were single, you can still support yourself. I haven't lived with my parents since the day I left for college at 18.
If I were you, I wouldn't buy a house with this guy.
i moved home BEFORE we got engaged BEFORE we got married i said that. CLEAR in the first place
i can and was and able to pay all of our / my bills. i was again working and going to school BOTH full time and thought it would just be easier to SAVE money not just spend money if i moved home for a short period of time but again that has has nothing to do with any of this discussion bored. financially we are VERY well set. and i just wanted to have a very fluffy cushion to fall back on in case of . an emergency.
do i want to big one of these people who lose theyre homes in 5 years? god no. so we set our selfs up well , so that will not happen.
yes we have only been married for almost 2 months.
and it about 2 years ago when i saw him chatting w/ online hoes, and it was just online free dating websites, he never mat with any of them just stupid dirty talk it was disgusting to me, but he said he would stop big ol' prob. and i never saw it again, i saw text messeges on his phone ( he was very secretive. back then) and email messeges. ( left his laptop logged on ) we lived together and had only one computer etc.
it has been 100% fine etc. etc etc. all since its just the porn broughtup the nasty feelings of the past and he knows how i feel about all of it
im not going to lie, i am scared. and i know i definitly shouldnt be feeling like that
he is the love of my life. this is a big issue b/c of all the underlining issues fallowing it.
we never took advantage of my parents. or mooched.wont go into personal information about theyre health but it worked out best for them to, but the move OUT if much needed and is time.