Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: PORN??
I have no issue at all with MH looking at porn, but we do have very clear ground rules. He doesn't spend money on it, he doesn't hide it from me (that includes not clearing his internet history when he watches it), and he doesn't let it interfere with our sex life. We talked about why he likes to do it so I could better understand it, and then we came to an agreement on terms we were BOTH comfortable with.
You guys really need to understand each other on this subject, or it'll cause a lot of problems for your relationship. As it is, it seems there are some jealousy issues going on, which I think is totally expected if you haven't taken the time to sit down together and discuss the topic of porn use openly. He needs to respect that this is something that makes you uncomfortable, but you also need to understand that making demands of him (like leaving his phone at home) will only tick him off. You both need to be very honest with one another and really make an effort to understand where the other person is coming from.
I'm sorry but chatting up random chick on the internet is one thing. Joining online dating sites is quite another thing entirely. He put himself out there as a single man when he was supposed to be committed to you. Whether or not he met the girls is irrelevant. He also has a history of hiding incriminating shiit on his phone. It's no wonder you flipped a switch when you saw porn on it.
I stand by my second conclusion. You know your husband to be unworthy of your trust. That's why you don't trust him.
The question is, what are you going to do about it?
Also, I take it back that your H isn't looking to porn instead of you although not completely. Your husband isn't your average porn watcher. He's something else entirely. I still don't think he goes to porn instead of you. But I do believe he goes to porn in addition to you.
This is a man who has shown a pattern of behavior of needing more in his life than just a loving wife. He needs constant attention and he seems to need constant affirmation that he's a stud. Yeah, it's only porn but given your husband's past, I'd say it's only a matter of time before he's looking for validation elsewhere. And he won't give a shiit that he's hurting your feelings when he does it because he hasn't cared before.
So again, what are you going to do about it?
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what am i supposed to do??
when is it to much?
how am i supposed to show him that i will not put up with even just s little bit b/c what if (like you just said ) it gets to that point again. and then i will be out of there b/c i will not be "that girl" ..
OP- are you nesting from your phone? Your posts are hard to read, and please use the quote button if you can. It makes it easier to figure out who you are addressing.
Your H sounds like a shady, cheating douche, I'm sorry. I agree with HS-- the reason you don't trust him has nothing to do with porn. You distrust your H because he has given you no reason to TRUST him. Period.
In fact, the porn is the least of your worries. You married a man prone to cheating & shady activities. Why on earth did you agree to marry him when he was basically shoving red flags in your face?
What do you do now? You go to marriage counseling & try get to the bottom of why he feels ok lying to your face. You also need to figure out why you are ok with him lying to your face. Have a professional help you figure out why you are sticking around to withstand the violation of your trust over & over again. This is not healthy.
Regardless of what you SAY or SAID, you SHOWED when you put that ring on his finger that his past behavior was of no consequence to him, and that your feelings in response were of no consequence to him.
What you are proposing is to change the rules mid-game. But you have no leverage.
I think if you can get him to agree to go to counseling to RE-establish ground rules for your marriage, that's your only shot. Otherwise on lthe long road of life ahead of you lies misery, and you know this. It's why you're freaking out 2 months into your marriage!
Two more things:
1. I guess I didn't see the part where he was signing up for internet dating sites? Oh honey, that would drive me to divorce, stat. No way would I be okay with my husband seeking out some skanks online, much less if he was pretending to be single all the while.
2. The whole "I've been through longer, tougher, and more deployments than you, so my thoughts reign superior" game I see coming out of some women here is a bunch of bullsh!t. Just cut it out. Who the hell cares if she moved home during a deployment? Since when is that a crime? Jeez louise, some people, man...
It's too much now, right? I mean the man lies to your damned face like it's nothing. This is not a minor problem.
I think you go to counseling and with their help, you make it clear exactly what you will and will not put up with. For starters, you won't put up with his lying. If he lies, you're gone.
I mean I don't think that a very high expectation, do you?
You do it with a counselor because then there's no issue of clarity. After a few months of therapy, he should understand why you react the way that you do and what he has to do to earn your trust. That's how you make it clear to him.
After 3-6 months of therapy, if he's still being a doucheass, move back home with your parents.
And for God's sake, focus on finding something affordable to rent and put off buying a house or having babies until at least a year. If it turns out he can't fix himself, do you really want to be stuck owning a house together? Ask Bowies. It ain't easy to get out of a house.
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Not a crime... but pretty pathetic.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Agreed.
To each their own, I suppose. I think it's pretty pathetic when women feel the need to compare the length of their internetdicks based on who's had it harder and who coped with what in the more socially acceptable way.
For someone who moved home to finish what I presume is a 4-year college degree, you really don't know how to type.
Or finish a coherant thought.
I split with my XH almost 2 years ago and I'm STILL not disentangled from the house we co-own. His terrible decision making skills meant that he even threatened to stop paying his half of the mortgage a few months ago. That was fun.
FYI, we put a decent down payment on the house, and when the house finally closes next month each of us will still be bringing a lot of money to the table, even after owning it for 7 years. I did everything "right" too. Everything, that is, except marry a guy who was marriage material. Unless you're solid in your marriage you should NOT purchase real estate together. No way, no how.
As for how to get the point across that his behavior is unacceptable now...I don't know how you do that. Honestly. When you caught him cheating on you, you stayed with him and married him. You flat-out endorsed how he treats you. And, because you didn't put your foot down and dump him for that, he doesn't respect you (case in point: the lying). He knows he can get away with a lot...you've shown him that you won't be going anywhere.
Really, based on everything I read here and the way in which you wrote it, I'm going to chalk this up as a beebee marriage. You overlooked some glaring red flags because you wanted your pretty princess day. I know, I was there too. Maybe this is salvageable with counseling, but he's got to want to change in order for it to work.
HS and I both have some applicable life experience...you can either take the advice and stop making mistakes or leave it and learn on your own.
No. It's pretty pathetic to make it sound as if you've had no choice but to move home when the reality is many military couples who choose that route end up divorced and/or in debt compared to those who don't.
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I agree with most of the posters. You have a trust issue, not a porn issue. I don't think you got over it but you married him anyway. But you are married now and you have to deal with your situation. First, whether he's a douche or not, he's been deployed and just got home. It's no excuse, but it's a major life change and never an easy time. Maybe he's lying because he doesn't give a shiit or maybe he's just trying to keep things calm at home and has no idea how much worse he's making it. While others here may downplay your situation, the truth is that there are multiple life changing events going on here that could throw any marriage into a tailspin. You are newly married, he's adjusting to being home after deployment and you are living with your parents.
So what do you do? Get your asss out of your parent's house. You are living as dependent children while you are there. You don't know if it's porn or the fact that you are living with your parents, but something is affecting your sex life. There is no way your husband feels like the man he needs to be if you are shacked up in your childhood bedroom.
Getting out of debt, having a nest egg, those are great things. But not at the expense of your marriage and self respect. Helll, part of being married is doing that together, making sacrifices and working towards that together. It builds a marriage and creates a feeling of unity. Living with your parents obviously isn't doing that.
No way would I buy a house with him and he needs to hear it. Why would you make a 30 year commitment to a house with a man that you can't trust? Not a man that watches porn. But a man that lies to you and treats you like an idiot. Get an apartment, get counseling and if he's forthcoming and changes are made by both of you, THEN and only then would I consider buying a house.