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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is this Marriage worth Saving?
I need some relationship advice. I am a 22 yr. old military wife.My
husband and I just had our first anniversary, and it wasn't anything I
expected it to be. We had a difference in opinions in something he liked
for a tattoo, I said I didn't like it but whatever it was his body.
Apparently this really offended him and he didn't talk to me for a whole
week. Well lucky for me our anniversary fell in that week and i didn't
even get a text or call from him nothing. When he finally answered his
phone he didn't have a good excuse or anything and now he is continuing
to ignore me. I feel very hurt because for 2years Ive been trying for
him to meet my family but he always comes out with one excuse or
another, yet I've visited his more than 5 times. I feel like I'm the
only one trying should I even bother to save this marriage and get some
marriage counseling or should i get a divorce.
Re: Is this Marriage worth Saving?
Ditto. My brother and sister-in-law have been married for 9 years and have been where you are, but they went to counseling and were able to figure out their problems and how to fix them.
You are questioning if your marriage is worth saving because your husband got butt hurt over a tattoo and is acting like a child. I'm guessing y'all are long distance right now. Am I right?
I am going to pass along some tough love. Please don't get upset by it. Try to imagine me as a big sister talking to you because I would say the same thing to anyone else.
I see one of two things that happend in your convo about the tattoo. He either alread went and got the tattoo, didn't tell you about it and is now upset and embarassed because you don't like it or he really liked the idea of the tattoo, was excited to share his idea about it, felt like you were being rude or dismissive and is now butt hurt. Either way, his behavior is that of a child, not a grown man who needs to be married. Too late now. Y'all made a commitment to each other. For y'all to throw it away over something so ridiculous would prove you shouldn't have been married in the first place.
If y'all are LD, y'all need to plan some time to spend together. If you can't physically meet together, get on Skype. Y'all need to figure out what the heck went wrong. Why is he so angry? Is it the way you said you didn't like it? Did he already get the tattoo?
Second, y'all need to get into some counseling. A marriage in the military is hard enough. It's even harder for couples who have barely made it into adulthood. I know saying that probably ticks you off, but it's true. At 21 and 22, you still have so much growing to do mentally and emotionally. Y'all have to figure out a way to do that together. Talk to the chaplain. Many units offer Strong Bonds Retreats. They are retreats to help you make your marriage stronger. I highly recomend them. The chaplain can also give you other resources to how to heal your relationship and how to work through issues in a more mature manner.
I really wish y'all the best of luck.
I'll take this piggy back ride.
A man who doesn't speak to you for a straight week over some petty argument up to an including honoring your anniversary? Yeah, that's not a man who's going to counseling. You can ask him but if he won't go, what are you supposed to do?
Also, I'm a firm believer that the only thing that keeps a military marriage going is effective communication, especially when it comes to deployment. Someone who throws a hissy fit and refuses to answer the phone or speak to you in any way because he has a bug up his ass over something minor . . . even if you do manage to figure out a way to deal, you won't make it through a deployment.
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I think counseling would be extremely important for the future of your marriage. However, he sounds like he isn't very emotionally invested in saving it, so it would make me highly doubt that he would want to seek counseling. Marriage counseling will only work if you are both willing to see it through. However, I think you should try to make it work, if that's what you want.
Another thing that jumped out at me in your post was that he sounds very immature. It could be his age, but you have to ask yourself if you are willing to have a man child as a husband.
What I'm hearing from you and from what he is saying is a lot of "me" and "I". I believe you are both putting the focus on your selves instead of focusing on the other person. You always need to take care of yourself, but part of being married is putting someone else above yourself. I don't believe either of you are doing that.
When my husband is away training, I know that training comes first. If I don't get to talk to him for two weeks, oh well. I don't call him at all unless he asks me to or for an emergency. I do send txts to tell him I love him or to pass on info. He calls me when he can. It sounds to me that he is feeling smothered. Give him some space. Txt him once or twice a day just to say you love him or to be encouraging. Don't call him at all unless you have an emergency.
There really is no excuse for him to have shunned you on your anniversary. He needs to appologize. I actually think you both need to do some appologizing. I want you to reach deep down and be honest with yourself. Were you in the least bit angry at him for getting the tattoo? MH and I have an agreement that neither of us will get a tattoo with out the other being there. Were you under a similar understanding and upset because he went with out you? Were you upset because he didn't talk to you about it first? If so, you need to talk to him about that. Tell him you were hurt by it. I suspect that is an underlying issue.
If you really want this to work, y'all have to learn how to communicate with each other and put each other first. If not, y'all are doomed. Trust me. We've been at this for a while and we are doing it with 4 kids. We still have our issues and arguments, but we have learned how to talk to each other about why we are upset. We figure out what we can do to work the problem out. It is VERY rare that we raise our voice at each other.
I really think you should talk to the chaplain. You can contact the chaplain at any time. Give him/her a call. Ask about the retreats. I think it is also a good idea to find an older couple who has been together for a while. Think of them as your mentors. Talk to them when you have issues. Ask them how they would handle the situation.
Also, be proactive about your relationship. Keep working on it even durring good times. We go to a retreat every year. We go to relationship workshops through our church. It's like going to the dentist every 6 months to get your teeth cleaned. It's preventative work.
Ditto all of this.
All of this. I don't mean to be obnoxious, but really, age is not an excuse. I'm sick of people using it as one. I was 20 when I married, and we're more committed to one another than some people I know who married at much more "reasonable" ages. Stop using youth as an excuse for mistakes. It doesn't work for Murder, it doesn't work for this. If people in other countries can get married at 13, and actually love each other and make it work under way worse circumstances sometimes, you can make this work.
Also, as far as I can tell, the tat IS your concern. And you do have the right to be annoyed. As I told my husband when I got it... he's the one who has to look at it, not me (mine's on my back).
Not to derail the thread, but this is really ignorant. No one is ready for marriage at age 13, no matter how "mature" he or she is. And usually in these situations, marriage is not about two consenting equals making the choice to be together and make it work. It's a property transaction in which a female CHILD is married off to a MAN, regardless of her wishes.
And yes, age does have a lot to do with it. Maybe you were mature enough for marriage at age 20, but the fact is that the vast majority of 20-year-olds are not. No, youth should not be used to excuse poor judgment, but that doesn't mean people should be stuck for life in a bad situation because of a stupid mistake they made as a barely-adult.
OP, I'd say your marriage was worth saving if your husband demonstrated at least a smidgen of decency toward you and he was just as willing to put in the work to save it as you are. However, I highly doubt that this is the case, so I would advise you to cut your losses and use this as a learning experience.
Well, I am guessing there is much more going on than just this one incident that is making you ask if you should get a divorce (and the family thing)
However, I think step one would be talking to him about what you wrote- you feel like you're the only one trying, you feel hurt over the anniversary thing... using non-defensive "I statements" not accusatory, or meanly intended, just sharing your feelings. If I were in your shoes, I would also suggest marriage counseling for sure, especially to help with communication.
Him not talking to you and refusing to say he loves you for a week is emotionally manipulative. I tend to think people who give their loved one the silent treatment for extended periods of time are on the emotionally abusive side- not talking to you to punish you for a difference in opinion? please. talk about cycle of power and control. Has he done this before?
ETA: I still really think there is much more going on than just what you wrote about...
I changed my name
Let me guess, you're 22 now?
And clearly you're naive at best and a xenophobic bigot at worse if you don't understand that there is a completely different cultural and social dynamic to getting married at 13 in Yemen vs getting married at 20 in the USA.
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Actually, while I think your language was really uncalled for, I do think I was being an idiot, yesterday, in posting what I did (this is what I get for posting while nearly dead asleep). I realized when I read it this morning what a jerk I'd been. The idea I was trying to convey (which didn't get across at all) was that they apparently did love each other at some point, and that's worth something. Also, that if someone can be in love in Yemen, at 13 (yes, it does SOMETIMES happen - though extremely rarely) and make a marriage work there, that we should be able to make it work under better conditions here. It was insensitive and rude. And it didn't actually take her real situation into account at all. I do stand by my earlier post, though. Before cutting and running, I think TRYING a little counseling wouldn't hurt. But honestly, I have to agree with others. If it doesn't look like that is going anywhere, it's time to consider divorce. Just TRY some other options first. And no, I'm not 22.
I'm not sure why you keep using Yemen as an example. It's such an awful, awful comparison you're just making yourself look stupid.
http://www.jihadwatch.org/2010/04/child-marriage-story-in-yemen-finds-a-way-to-get-even-more-disturbing.html
Because stuff like that is totally worth comparing to consenting adults in the U.S., where we value education, women aren't valued by the number of children they can produce, and where rape is not only discouraged, but illegal.
bwhahahaha clearly you don't lurk ANYWHERE if you think my language was uncalled for.
I could have gone with ignorant, naive little toolbag but you're new and I thought you were young so I refrained.
Are you 24?
And the odds of a 13 year old getting married anywhere in the world because they are pregnant pretty much proves your ignorance.
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*sigh* You're right. I'm still communicating badly. For the record, I didn't bring up Yemen. I just continued to use it because it seemed smart not to change the subject, once it was brought up. Though I'm not sure why comparing one thing to another is not a valid method of persuasion. Your article is good, too. A more-in-depth look than I'd had at Yemen, before. But, in order to save my sanity, and not continue to be a jerk to someone who is clearly grieving and feeling pain right now, I will remove myself from the argument. I'm not doing anyone any good.
Grow up. You're distracting from the subject, which was this lady's problem, and making this all about me, when she honestly wanted help and advice. I just tried to be encouraging. A sort of cheer-leading "If they can do it, you can too!", if you will. I've already agreed it wasn't a good way method, and didn't really take her situation into account.
Nope, it has never happened. No one in any country under any circumstances is capable of the kind of love necessary for a marriage at age 13. And I'm still not sure how being forced to marry and lacking both the resources and the legal right to leave constitutes "making a marriage work".
And regardless of the conditions, some people are incompatible and shouldn't be married to each other, and some people are too emotionally unhealthy to be married, period. It's not a matter of not trying hard enough.
That story makes me want to friggin hurt someone. I'm ill.
I'm not sure that website is credible because it looks like it leans very far to one side, but googling "Yemen marriage" results in tons of stuff just like that.
I had to reread to figure out where Yemen even entered this conversation. Doh. The overall opinion stands...marriage at 13 is not done as an act of love. Here's a story about married 12 year olds in America: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/07/25/earlyshow/living/parenting/main20082832.shtml
The autorities don't call it marriage. They call it sexual assault of a child.
That's cute. You're the one painting a rosy immature picture of marriage AND the plight of female children with no voice who live in the worst conditions. Basically, what you just told this girl is that if oppressed young girls can live with being sold by their parents, raped and abused by their husbands with no way out, then surely she can stay married to her husband.
Weeehooo, oh yes, you're oh so mature and I defer to your wisdom.
Interesting how you still won't confess to how old you are.
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Well, if nothing else, I guess it did get people interested in the subject of youth marriages, and spark research into the subject. For the record, I'm actually completely against them. Besides, being in love at 13 means only that. It doesn't mean you're old enough to choose marriage. What I was saying was that in those cases where people are forced into bad situations, sometimes good came as a result. And, in defense of being in love at 13, perhaps someone should have mentioned this in-ablity to Gandhi, who married at 13, and by all accounts loved Kastubai dearly, to his dying day. I can't say I regret what I said... if nothing else, even though it completely changed the intended subject, at least people are showing passion on the topic.
Once again, Gandhi's marriage was an ARRANGED marriage. And although he and his wife may have had a wonderful relationship, that love was NOT present when they were 13 years old, nor does that mean arranged marriages between children is a good idea, and it certainly doesn't mean that the OP just needs to stick it out with someone who doesn't respect her.
Ojo Buttons, thanks for providing an example from the US. It's always good to keep in mind that oppression of girls and women is not just something that happens in other places.
That's it... it's official. This poster has been deemed "too stupid to live"
::gavel::
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
So it would be totally appropriate if I told the OP that if a nine year old girl in yemen can file for divorce so can she?
And you know, until today, I never thought to myself WWGD? Maybe I should start.
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