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Excluded from niece's baptism???
Sorry in advance for the long,long,long post. I appreciate all who read & give advice. 
---
-So my DH hadn't talked to his family for a week or so, since we spent
last weekend visiting my family (who live about an hour away, so it's an
all-day visit). He decided to call up his grandmother first to see how
she was, and to confirm our (nearly weekly) Sunday lunch out with them.
Near the end of the conversation, she said to him, "So we'll see you at
the restaurant around 1:00, sweetheart? Oh, but that's after the
baptism, of course."
-After ending the call, my husband looked over at me (I had been reading
a book on the couch during the call), and said, "K's baptism is Sunday.
I guess." 
-Now, his grandmother didn't say it in a spiteful way, she said it as if
she assumed we knew and were completely aware of it (in fact, she's 86
and the sweetest lady in the world).
-My DH decided to call his mother about it, and when he did, got a
stuttering answer (" Oh, K's baptism, oh, well...it's.....well.....it's
at such-and-such church at 9:15....it's before or after service, I don't
know...uh, well. Um...") when he asked when/where it was. He did so
casually, even though we are both a bit upset. 
-DH didn't go to his nephew's baptism, but that was 2 and a half years
ago, before we were together. They didn't stop to think we (I) might
want to go now?
-I am upset, because I know my sis-in-law has issue with my husband and
I. Specifically that we are pagan. She is very much a Christian, and I
have no problem with that. In fact, if I had any sort of pagan
ceremony for my child (we don't have any yet), I would invite my
bro-in-law and sis-in-law, and allow them to choose whether or not they
were comfortable with coming.
-Now I am losing patience, because while we did get married in a church,
it was mostly for the family, my sis-in-law had the nerve (last fall)
to ask if I was alright getting married in a church since DH wasn't
christian. 
-We also helped her and her husband move this spring, and in doing so,
MY husband's back was injured. She didn't even say thank you to him for
helping or me for watching their 2 yr old while she worked, and our
husbands moved house. She knew he'd been injured moving HER king size
bed, and had to leave early because of that, but then thanked a cousin
(that had come to fill in for my DH) on facebook, without
thanking us. I brought it up, which of course caused a sh!tstorm
(because NO one calls her out on this kind of thing, ever), and got a
thank you in the end, but not without work.
-I don't know what to think. DH and I are crashing the church service to
see the baptism. Invited or not, Christian or not, that is our niece, and we're going for HER sake.
-That said, I love my DH's family. They are some nice people. It just
seems that we will always be the black sheep to them, despite the fact
that we are more financially stable (and have more common sense, they
got a new car they can't afford, and live in a $1000/mo town home, and
take their kids to childcare which is $10,000/yr with 2 kids, because
the wife won't stay home, or can't afford to) than his brother and
wife.
-I am also disappointed, b/c we saw my bro-in-law yesterday afternoon
and he didn't mention it at all, even when I commented on one of those
clay hand-prints of my niece he had in his home. (This was before the
phone calls.)
- He bends over backwards for his wife (though she is a shrew to him,
I've seen it in person), and evidently this was no different. My
sis-in-law's mother and her bf are going, but the pagan aunt and uncle
are excluded....
That she just moved in with her bf, and they're not married, isn't an
issue, apparently. Thought that wasn't allowed in Christianity, hm..
-I feel jilted, but as of now, the plan is to show up and surprise the
pants off them. Unless my mom-in-law called my bro-in-law to give him a
heads up for a last minute invite....
If that happens, I'm going to have to say something about it being last minute.
-The thing is, I want to bring up once and for all that they are
treating us with less respect than my bro-in-law's family. And I'm tired
of it, for whatever reason. It's not the first time, and I'm appalled
at everyone for tiptoeing around sis-in-law, because I won't.
---
*sigh* Again, so sorry it was so long, but thoughts? 
+++EDIT+++
By "show up and surprise the pants off them" I didn't mean that DH and I were going to go and make a scene. I meant that the fact that we showed up would be a reminder, that "Oh, they cared enough to come, next time I'm planning something like this, I'll invite them."
Ty 
(Although I can guess now that everyone will be commenting that I'm backpedaling and don't mean it.
It's okay, guys, you don't have to believe me. It just matters that I know what I meant. 
)
Re: Excluded from niece's baptism???
Thoughts?
I think it's rude to crash the baptism. You weren't invited. Your niece won't know if you are there or not.
I think you are holding grudges for shti that happened in the past. Get over it.
while she does sound a bit ungrateful (moving etc..) it's her perogative to invite who she wants and to NOT invite who she wants. crashing? really? a baptism?! I don't see you doing it at all for niece-I see you doing it to spite and 'we'll show her'.
you weren't invited. don't go. don't ask them once and for all why they treat you withn less respect. i feel that you probably already know the answer adn that there's much more to htis story than you're sharing. if anything DH needs to speak with his brother and find out what's up.
you said something about not getting a thank you for moving? frankly-the way you're talking abotu them (what they spend etc..) i'm not surprised you're not invited.
Obviously they have a problem with your choices and excluded you for it, or they just dont like you guys.that is their right. Either way it is their childs baptisim and you should not be crashing it. Like pp said she will not know you are there and you are just looking to start drama.
Here's a good idea...
Why not call them and ASK them why you were not invited??
If you guys are so hurt(and im not saying you shouldnt be) maybe it is time to distance yourself from BIL and wife. After you call them and get your answer you can decide.
Why didnt your H go to the last baptisim?
Sounds like there is quite a bit of history here and honestly, "crashing" the baptism isn't going to resolve the issues you described above. It might make you feel better for a day, knowing you "surprised the pants off" them but really is feeding your ego worth the the trouble it may cause?
If this bothers you and DH this much, try to sit down with your SIL & BIL at a future date and discuss how you feel.
By 'crashing', I mean showing up for the church service. No one can stop me from doing that, surely? I won't make a spectacle of myself at all, I have more tact that than, but I do want to at least sit in the back of the church and watch. It's one of those baptisms-thrown-into-the-church-service things, not a private ceremony.
There's honestly not more than I'm sharing. I have no reason to make her look bad. Why would I? *shrugs*
My sis-in-law is an only child, so she always always gets her way, whether it's rude, wrong, or otherwise, because she feels entitled. That's as simple as I can put it. :
Example-She told a rich relative(to their face) that a car would have been a nice wedding present shortly before her wedding, which offended the relative. They decided to ignore it, and give my SIL and BIL a free honeymoon as a wedding gift, and began to decide on where they would send them,etc. Shortly after, SIL then complained the honeymoon being planned didn't include the 'right places', and was nit picking and saying things like, "I don't like there, can you just send us here instead?" so the relative (and rightly so, in my opinion) rescinded the offer.
And to the post about the reason I'm not invited being that I said those things about their finances? I never, ever say that to my sis and bro-in-law's faces, or my in-laws or anyone. Just my husband because I am worried about how they make ends meet. They are welcome to live that way, but I don't appreciate my husband's parents using that to put them 'above' us, and say they are doing 'better' than us, when they are in more debt than we are.
My DH didn't go to the other baptism because he knows his parents disapprove of his beliefs, and didn't want to have to deal with it at the time, which I understand.
I'm torn because I don't want to distance myself. I love my nephew to death and my niece too, and want to stay in their lives.
If you are pagan, then why would you really want to be there to support your niece being baptised and actively participate in pledging to raise her in a religion you don't believe in? Because that is what a baptism--a pledge by those present to raise the child in that specific religion.
You are being excluded from a 100% religious ceremony because you don't believe in that religion. This isn't a "family" event, it's a religious event--it is not the same as not being invited to a birthday party or a school recital. If you can't see that, I can fully understand why no one wanted to even tell you it was happening.
I appreciate you calling me a tool, very helpful advice. Clever, too.
I am not here to convert other people, so I have no problem going to a church and supporting my BIL and SIL in their choice to raise their child Christian. It's not my child, it's theirs. I don't have a problem with Christianity, it's just not MY belief system. That doesn't mean I don't think it's somewhat valid.
-If they give me the cold shoulder, I really don't care. I'm not looking for sympathy.
I too want to know why your DH didn't go to his nephew's baptism? Why is you all being together mean that he would now want to? And honestly - if his entire family is Christian and through marrying you, he's changed his religious beliefs, I could actually see why they would assume that now, even more so than before, of course he wouldn't come this time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You're whining that she's not that nice to you, and yet you're also complaining that she hasn't invited you to a family/religious event? Plus you're insulted that you were not invited to an event for a religion that you don't believe in, and also to an event identical to the last one that you didn't attend (for whatever reason)? You're sending a TON of mixed signals here. Perhaps this is why you were not invited. Or maybe they just thought you'd be uncomfortable in a church.
Yes, you can certainly attend a public church service without an invitation and sit quietly. However, "crashing" the baptism when you were not invited would be extremely rude and childish of you. Especially since it's not like you want to go to the church simply for the religious value (and it's perfectly fine that you don't believe in that religion). You're just doing it to be spiteful, and that's going to make you come across as a gigantic baby. Knock it off.
You weren't invited. If you're unhappy about that, your husband needs to call his sister and ask why you weren't invited. Or you and your husband need to sit down together and decide that you will have nothing more to do with his sister. Either way, stop whining that she's not a nice person and DO something about it. Either ignore her and stop doing favors for her, or your husband can ask her point-blank what the deal is.
This x 100! Your SIL may be shallow and petty but I can't say I blame her for not including someone who has absolutely zero interest in religion to a religious event. At a Baptism, you pledge to bring up the child in the traditions of their church, share with them the stories and traiditions of their particular religion, and agree to support them in their faith journey. Are you thinking that you can just agree to that and cross your fingers and get out of it or something? You can't have it both ways. You don't share their beliefs - why should/would they ask you to participate in something you don't believe in??
Let me frame it differently for you since you seem to be all about how it is a dig about you. Have you ever stopped to think that they might be trying to be respectful of YOUR decision to be pagan by not asking you to participate in ceremonies involving a God you don't believe in?
Do NOT crash the Baptism. I can guarantee that the only person who will look foolish in this is you and you will be cleaning up the fallout over it for a long time.
You ARE looking to make a scene* and bother them, though.
* You don't need to stand up and scream in the middle of the church to make a scene. Making a point of showing up somewhere, uninvited, can still make a scene and piss people off.
If you're pissed, TALK to them about it. Don't be a baby and just show up unannounced to make them mad.
Another thing - you know what your SIL is like. If it's going to piss you off to help her move and not get a thank you, then don't help her move. You do have the ability to say "no".
You and you alone are not going to change who she is. I'm not saying that you just have to go along w/ her and ignore what she does, but at the same time, you going in w/ guns a-blazing and making a point to crash an important event in their lives is not going to change her and if nothing else, it will only give her more ammunition.
There is a balance here. You dont' have to turn a blind eye to her antics, but you also don't have to put yourself in a position where you KNOW you'll only end up pissed off.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Once again, you aren't getting it. When *you* attend the baptism, *you* are pledging to raising the child in that specific religion. You aren't supporting the idea that others will do it, *you* are saying that *you* will do it. If you don't believe in that belief system, how can *you* pledge that you will actively participate in raising your niece in it?
Please rethink "crashing" this religious ceremony that has absolutely nothing to do with *you*. Frankly, you are acting like a drama queen that is upset they aren't in the spotlight.
Why not, instead getting into a fuss about just talk to them? "Grandma mentioned niece is getting baptised on sunday, I'm not sure if the reason we weren't invited was because we're pagan but I just want to let you know that we would love to go, we support your religion and love your family, I would hate for you to think that we don't because our beliefs are different, it's completely up to you but I wanted to make sure you knew that"
Religion is a tough thing, they might not be inviting you out of respect for your beliefs for all you know. so just talk to her about it.
-Now I am losing patience, because while we did get married in a church, it was mostly for the family, my sis-in-law had the nerve (last fall) to ask if I was alright getting married in a church since DH wasn't christian
This seems like a completely valid question to me. When my brother got married they were looking at catholic churches at first but the church would not marry them in that type of church because Brother was not catholic.
What does financial stability have to do with any thing?
You sound like your overreacting on some things to make other things sound worse. Figure out what the actual problem is and just focus on fixing that.
I'm sorry. I thought I clarified what I meant by crashing earler.
I don't want this to be a 'thing'. Really, If I go, sit down, watch, and leave, without confrontation, I'll be happy.
He didn't change his beliefs for me, lol. He has made it known he isn't a christian for a long long time.
And "not being Christian" isn't the same thing as being Pagan. You did say "We are Pagan".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm sorry. I thought I clarified what I meant by crashing earler.
I don't want this to be a 'thing'. Really, If I go, sit down, watch, and leave, without confrontation, I'll be happy.
But it's GOING to be a "thing" if you make it a point to show up to an event to which you weren't invited. (Not to mention the earlier posts where you specifically said that you were going to show up unannounced and surprise them.)
You absolutely DO want to make this into a "thing" and it's very clear. You want to make yourself happy and give yourself a little self-gratification by pissing them off. Your niece isn't your concern here. If she was your main concern, you or H would be calling SIL and saying, "Hey, I don't know if there was a misunderstanding or something, but we would really like to attend the baptism or at least the after-party so that we can be there for Niece on such a big day." You wouldn't be worried about showing up unannounced just to surprise them all.
And like a PP said, this is only going to make YOU look bad in the long run. Do you really want to come out of all this looking like a nutcase? Do your dignity a favor and stay home.
How does your husband feel about all this? It's his family, after all. If I was in a similar situation with my family, and my H said he was going to show up uninvited, I'd be begging him to just let it go. Or I would say that I'd call the family member myself and ask what's up.
Thanks for teh advice, though so many people thought it necessary to be rude...I don't know why?
I think I'll have my husband email his brother...I don't know if it will make it better or worse, since it was evidently a secret on purpose. DH's family usually refuses to talk about things seriously and sweeps them under the rug, which is why I think going and sitting in is a better point.
.
I know that his wife isn't in the practice of repecting other's beliefs, just in keepig up appearances. I think that she was afraid of embarrassment, "And who's this?"..."Oh, my brother in law and his wife..." "Where do you two go to church?"... "Oh, we don't."....etc etc and left us out for that reason.
By going and sitting in the abck behaving, it shows us taking the higher ground. That, (and seeing K baptized), is why I want to go.
This paragraph makes you more than a tool - you're an outright busybody biitch. Who the hell are you to judge how much they pay for their home, how much they pay for childcare ($10,000/year for 2 small children is actually quite cheap, moron), and why the wife doesn't stay home (what business is it of yours, you judgemental jerk?). Come judge me for the car that I drive, what I pay for my house, and what I pay for my childcare because I choose to work, please.
Honestly, you haven't said a thing that makes me think that you deserve any respect from that family. I don't see why anyone would be tip-toeing around sis-in-law - maybe you just perceive it that way because everyone is trying to avoid you and your craziness. You're offended because someone asked you how you felt about being married in a church and a religion that you don't believe in? You're going to "crash" a Baptism just to show everyone that you do what you want and don't care......yes, that's being a tool, and I bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Get over yourself.
So $10k for 2 is amazing in my book.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Going uninvited is not taking the higher ground. Standing up to them and saying "We'd like to go to Nieces baptism to support her, would that be okay" THAT is taking the higher ground. It is never the higher ground to go to an event that you were not invited to. You would be better to ask why you weren't invited.
Don't assume they are saving face (and you have to include your BIL in this too, it's not just your SIL involved in these decisions. If you think they'er doing it because they're embarrassed, I'd just ask them. If this is an issue, figure it out, sneaking into a baptism =/= do anything except for show your own rudeness.
I think that she was afraid of embarrassment, "And who's this?"..."Oh, my brother in law and his wife..." "Where do you two go to church?"... "Oh, we don't."....etc etc and left us out for that reason.
Where the heck do you live where that's a regular topic of conversation? I've never, ever had someone ask me where I attend church when I first met them. (I;ve also never, ever had a stranger ask someone who I am whenever I attend a family event.)
Plus, if all of you are that concerned about "embarrassment," why wouldn't you just respond to the question with, "We live out of town," or "We worship at a place near us" (isn't that true for Pagans, that you can worship anywhere in nature?) and stop talking about it? Seems like if you know people are going to be judgemental a-holes about religion, then saying "We don't go to church" just kinda feeds into that. I am not at all saying you should be ashamed to be Pagan or that you should lie and say that you're church-going Christians, but it seems entirely easier to just side-step the issue entirely rather than give these strangers something else to judge.
I think you're just looking for more ammo against your SIL, honestly.
"Seems to me that if people LET her get her way, and always have, that they're just as much to blame as she is."<---Yup. Which is why I won't.
-I can care less about how much $ they make.
-I guess I need to clarify:
My husband only has 1 sibling, his brother. This is the brother's wife I am talking about, NOT my husband's sister.
While I agree with almost everything everyone else has said I do disagree with the whole...if you arent christian you do not need to go, or why do you want to go if you arent christian.
Ive gone to hindu weddngs, pagen handfastings, catholic weddngs, bar mitzvahs, brisques etc...and I do not practice any of those religions. i do not think religion is the issue here and just because you arent the same religion doesnt mean you cant support the tradition.
The phrase is actually "couldn't care less" - and you obviously do care, as you made a paragraph-long vent about it already.
You don't like your sister-in-law. That's ok. I doubt she's terribly fond of you either. Be cordial to her in public and at family gatherings, and don't do stupid immature crap (like show up unannounced at an event of theirs) just to get attention and make a point. Send K a nice card and Baptism gift (most people give Bibles and/or crosses), and leave it at that.
Do you truly, really, deep down, in your heart of hearts want your niece to grow up with a strong faith in this particular religion?
Yes or no answer only.
By 'crashing', I mean showing up for the church service. No one can stop me from doing that, surely? I won't make a spectacle of myself at all, I have more tact that than, but I do want to at least sit in the back of the church and watch. It's one of those baptisms-thrown-into-the-church-service things, not a private ceremony.
You are still crashing the baptism. Unless going to church is a regular Sunday thing for you? Yeah. Didn't think so.
My sis-in-law is an only child, so she always always gets her way, whether it's rude, wrong, or otherwise, because she feels entitled. That's as simple as I can put it. :
Example-She told a rich relative(to their face) that a car would have been a nice wedding present shortly before her wedding, which offended the relative. They decided to ignore it, and give my SIL and BIL a free honeymoon as a wedding gift, and began to decide on where they would send them,etc. Shortly after, SIL then complained the honeymoon being planned didn't include the 'right places', and was nit picking and saying things like, "I don't like there, can you just send us here instead?" so the relative (and rightly so, in my opinion) rescinded the offer.
And to the post about the reason I'm not invited being that I said those things about their finances? I never, ever say that to my sis and bro-in-law's faces, or my in-laws or anyone. Just my husband because I am worried about how they make ends meet. They are welcome to live that way, but I don't appreciate my husband's parents using that to put them 'above' us, and say they are doing 'better' than us, when they are in more debt than we are.
All of these things are none of your business. Don't go. It's going to make you look like a jerk.