Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Excluded from niece's baptism???
But those ceremonies are not 100% centered around the attendees pledging to raise the child in that specific religion--there's a huge difference there.
The child's parents know OP and DH don't share their religious beliefs--why would they want them at a ceremony entirely about raising their child with those beliefs?
It's pretty telling that your first reaction is to crash the ceremony rather than simply having a discussion with BIL/SIL.
You're looking to start a fight. That makes you wrong, not your ILs.
A lot of my dh's siblings do not get along with one sister. She isn't invited to events because, quite frankly, she is a b*tch and has alienated her whole family. They CHOOSE not to have her around.
I can see her "crashing" and "surprising the pants" off of someone at an event she wasn't invited to, claiming "I want to be there for XXX..." Everyone would know the real reason - it's all about her (the sister, not the child/brother/nephew, etc.). Your ILS would know the same thing. You'll look like an a$$.
You don't like your SIL, and even if you don't say anything to her face, you can BET she knows. You are not SOOOOOOOOO clever that you hide it (or else you are a complete phoney). That might be the reason you're not invited, not b/c of your religion.
Your DH made a choice not to attend the other baptism two years ago because of his religious beliefs. You and he cannot cry this year b/c you are not invited to an identical event.
Also, keep your mouth shut with SIL. It is your DH's job to manage his family.
Personally, I would recommend acting like a GROWNUP and having your DH phone his brother and ask what is up. Then send a nice card to your niece, even if an invite doesn't materialize.
I have never been to a baptism where the attendees need to pledge to raise the baby catholic...the parents must...a lot of chruches only require one of the god parents to be catholic.
like i said i probably wouldnt invite her either(for other obvious reasons), but i think using her religion as a question as to why she would want to go is a really weak argument.
I have to say as someone new to The Nest, a lot of comments I've seen on here are outright rude. I don't really know how some of you have the nerve to call others names and insult their intelligence. It actually pisses me off. Show a little bit of class.
Back to the point- I do not think you should go. While it is very nice that regardless of your religious beliefs you want to support your family, maybe your ILs don't understand that. I would talk to them about it but the Christening is not the time or place.
You say that you are tired of you & your H being the black sheep in his family- can you really not see that crashing the baptism will only further that perception? I promise, no one is going to think that you are brave or standing up to her, they are going to think you are selfish and classless. This day is not about you, it's about their family. She will come out of this looking like the innocent victim that had her family's day disrupted by her attention-grabbing SIL. Is that really what you want?
Leave it alone, let them have their day. If she does something particularly nasty to you at another time, then it's up to you how to handle it. Do not make what should be a happy occasion an awkward mess for everyone involved because you feel slighted.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am upset, because I know my sis-in-law has issue with my husband and I. Specifically that we are pagan. She is very much a Christian, and I have no problem with that. In fact, if I had any sort of pagan ceremony for my child (we don't have any yet), I would invite my bro-in-law and sis-in-law, and allow them to choose whether or not they were comfortable with coming.
Your SIL needs to do her research and see what paganism is all about. I guess she doesn't know that most Christian traditions, like the Christmas tree, have been passed on from pagans.:)
I wouldn't crash the ceremony. What would be nice: a savings bond in K's name; send it on to them via mail or have your MIL drop it off.
ETA: I don't think it's right to simply exclude you because of your faith. Nor is it right that they're hiding it from you. Don't make the same mistake they are. Communicate with them. Maybe the just thought you wouldn't want to go. It might be a misunderstanding.
In the end, they may still say no. It may not be right or fair, but you have to accept that. Then it's up to you to decide how much of role you want to play in their lives.
I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time with this situation. I'm sure it's not a nice feeling to be excluded and it can really create a lot of tension and anger. I sense the anger in your post and I'm really sad for you - it's got to be painful.
I'm going to ask you to look at your goal here.
Do you want to get along with them, be a part of their lives, have them be respectful of you, and you of them, and be kind to each other, or
Do you want to show that you're right and you're good and you're perfect and that they're horrible, mismanaged, unfair, self-righteous and cruel?
Each of those goals can be accomplished, but they each require a very different set of behaviors from you. Crashing the baptism falls into one of those categories of behaviors. It's up to you to determine which one and then ask yourself, honestly, if that is the goal you want to achieve. If it's not, change the behavior. It's up to you.
Thanks for not being rude even though you disagree with me wanting to go. I really appreciate it.
I wasn't expecting to be so unwarrantably attacked.I was hoping for polite advice and even if they disagreed, the class to not be rude.
I am in the middle right now.
I want my bro-in-law's wife to understand that it's not okay to treat my husband and I like this, especially without giving us a choice. They know we wouldn't have been offended by an invitation, and at least then we could have said yes or no properly.
I'm sorry you perceived rudeness from other Nesters. Please keep in mind that a lot of them have been here for years and years and have seen the same questions or variations thereof asked thousands of times, and are likely taking "shortcuts" (which can be perceived as rude) to answer those questions. If you were asked the same question a lot of times, wouldn't you, at some point, lose a bit of your patience? I think the same thing is going on here. But don't take it personally - the intention is to help, not to hurt.
I think going to the church and just watching the ceremony is different than 'making a scene' there.
Here's how I see it:
I can go, and have the sis-in-law realize she can't walk all over my DH and I. That way, I wouldn't even have to say a thing, and it won't have to be a big argument.
-Then maybe next time they plan a family get together, baptism, birthday, etc she'll think to invite us.
Rarely is conflict one-side. Both parties usually play a role, and you'd be wise to recognize your own role in this conflict.
You have a choice you can perpetuate the cycle, crash the party, and prove you are right. And you can rinse and repeat over, and over. Just recognize you will be as much to blame for the negative relationship.
Or, you can choose to stop the cycle and actually communicate with them. That's not saying you'll get what you want, but at the very least you'll be minimizing your own role in perpetuating the conflict.
Right now, it just sounds like you want to get even. If that's not the case, you're doing a poor job convincing the lot of us otherwise.
She chose not to invite you, you show up anyway, and you can bet your bottom dollar that next time, not only will she not invite you, she will insist that anyone that you both know NOT tell you about the event, so you won't crash it again. This will end up working AGAINST you, believe me. People you like and love will be keeping secrets from you because that's what she'll ask of them. You will feel even MORE like the "black sheep". Is that what you want? Honestly - is it? Because it IS what you'll get if you crash the baptism. I'm going to promise you that.
You can make the SIL realize she can't "walk all over you" as you put it by having your husband pick up a phone and talk to them. Be the bigger person and inituate some communication like a grown adult.
But showing up uninvited and unwanted does not get that message across. It is NOT supporting your niece, it is taking the attention away from her on her special day and making it about you. It will only give them more reasons in the future to exclude you from future events in their lives. You are not helping yourself here and will only be making yourself look worse.
I gotta say, the more you post the more you make it clear this is not about being there for your niece. It is about selfish reasons and wanting to put your SIL in her place. Your niece's baptism is just not the place to do this. If you love her and want to be there for her as much as you claim, please do not show up uninvited.
"when you say you want to "surprise the pants off them" it doesn't really come across that you plan to just be a casual observer"<---I know, people have been running with this one...
I honestly never meant that we would be making a scene, I just meant they wouldn't ever expect us to be in church.
-So for them, it would be a "Wow, they cared enough to come, next time I'll invite them."-thing. That way, there wouldn't BE confrontation.
I meant "surprise the pants off them" jokingly and I'm sorry if anyone took it more seriously than it was meant.
Again, you are proving that this isn't about your neice. Not one tiny, little bit. You want to MAKE A POINT!!!!!! O.k., fine, let's say there is no actual "scene" at the church (I would actually hope your IL's are all mature enough to not let that happen regardless) - but there will be something, some kind of fall out from this.
AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!! That's what you fricking want, but you keep trying to claim you dont' want.
As long as you go in w/ even the slightest of intentions of "showing them", you will only be making an a$$ of yourself. For all the respect you feel you should get, you're not showing 1 ounce of respect for your IL's. You're taking your dislike for SIL and now affecting everyone else around her. It's not just her that will be upset. it's your BIL, it's your IL's, it's everyone else who will walk away w/ a really bad taste in their mouth about YOU and your DH.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
But why do you feel she has to invite you? My husband and I have no intent on inviting his sister to anything, ever. She wasn't invited to our wedding. She won't see our child. Just because they are blood-related does not mean they owe each other anything.
I know. It's hard. I want to be a part of the kid's lives but the bro-in-law's wife makes it so hard.
I am a calm person, not easily upset, but this is just another in a long list of slights to DH and I, so I'm getting a little tired of this sort of thing.
Everyone is trying to tell you the same thing and you seem determined to not get it.
This is the exact opposite of what will happen. They are not going to think that you care so much you showed up anyway. They are going to think that you care so little that you disregarded their wishes and showed up uninvited.
Like JoEsther said, not only will you not be invited to future events there will be more pressure on other family members to keep the information from you, only furthering your 'black sheep' status.
You keep saying she can't treat you this way. Why not? Blood relations/ marriage licenses do not equal automatic invitations to all events. There is a difference between standing up to someone if they actually say something nasty to you and trying to force yourself in to an event where you are not wanted.
Thanks for the advice. Just to clarify, I said the things about her being disrespectful and unappreciative to give everyone a taste of the kind of person she is. Sorry if it came off as bitter or something.
I want to be a part of their lives, but need my sis-in-law to understand that she can't keep doing things like this. The whole family (DH's mom and dad, his paternal grandparents, his only brother (father of K) and bro's wife (mother of K) are all going. DH is the only uncle, I am the only aunt. Not to mention my sis in law's mother and the mother's live in boyfriend.
I think we need to talk about why we were the only immediate family not invited.
Also-I was invited to the baby shower, but not the baptism
? I just don't quite understand her logic.
"She chose not to invite you, you show up anyway, and you can bet your bottom dollar that next time, not only will she not invite you, she will insist that anyone that you both know NOT tell you about the event, so you won't crash it again. This will end up working AGAINST you, believe me. People you like and love will be keeping secrets from you because that's what she'll ask of them. You will feel even MORE like the "black sheep". Is that what you want? Honestly - is it? Because it IS what you'll get if you crash the baptism. I'm going to promise you that."<---Let me address that.
She already has. We found out on accident b/c DH's 85 yr old granmother let it slip. His mom didn't tell us (in fact was surprised we called and asked about it), nor did his dad. We also saw DH's brother (K's father) yesterday, and he said not a thing.
SO she is already not inviting me and telling people to keep quiet about it.
I have to say as someone new to The Nest, a lot of comments I've seen on here are outright rude. I don't really know how some of you have the nerve to call others names and insult their intelligence. It actually pisses me off. Show a little bit of class.
Yes, being honest and blunt about something is much more rude than crashing a baptisim...silly us!
Oh my God.
Either you are brain damaged, or you are incredibly self-absorbed to the point of being a social idiot.
You really and truly think that having your inlaws see you show up unannounced to an event that you were not invited to will teach them "not to walk on you"?
I'll type this out as carefully as I can - NO ONE IS WALKING ON YOU NOW.
But showing up unannounced and univited IS walking over someone else. It's showing that you have no respect for them and don't care what they think. It shows that the only person that you're concerned about is you.
And no - this will not get you invited to future events. It will further alienate you, further turn people against you, and ensure that you forever stay the "black sheep" of the family. It will surely get you gossiped about. It will guarantee that your family does a better job of not telling you about events that you're not invited to. And it will crush whatever chance at a relationship you might have with the neice and nephew that you claim to love and care about.
If this is MUD, it's good MUD.
1- the "logic" may have to do w/ religion. Why don't you all CALL AND TALK TO THEM ABOUT THIS!?!?!?!? Be proactive instead of reactive. You might actually get somewhere that way.
2- AGAIN, why do you feel she "can't" do this or that she "has" to invite you? As a few people have said, you're family but that actually doesn't obligate them to include you if they dont' want to. He may be the "only" uncle but if she and her DH don't want to include them in their lives or the lives of the kids, they don't have to. You and your DH don't have any "rights" to their life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Their family is kind of close I guess. At family get togethers it's the grandparents, the parents, the two brothers, the 2 wives, and the kids.
We see them nearly every holiday and my bro and sis in law live literally 5 min away from DH and I.
The only way to not cause ANY drama is to keep quiet, and I've done that before, and the snubs and taking advantage happen again and again.
Alternatively, I've also talked to her. When she failed to thank us for moving then thanked a cousin profusely who came to help (on facebook), I told her it was rude. Instead of talking about why, she pretended it was an accident, to sweep it under the rug ASAP.
Do you understand the difference between a Saining and a baby shower?