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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Excluded from niece's baptism???
"I want to be a part of their lives, but need my sis-in-law to understand that she can't keep doing things like this. The whole family (DH's mom and dad, his paternal grandparents, his only brother (father of K) and bro's wife (mother of K) are all going. DH is the only uncle, I am the only aunt. Not to mention my sis in law's mother and the mother's live in boyfriend."
As another poster said, you cannot control how others act. Your SIL can do whatever she pleases and have no regard for you (& DH) whatsoever. It sucks, but you cannot change her. Earlier you said your main reason for going to the baptism uninvited is to have a relationship with your niece (and nephew). This will backfire on you. If SIL wanted you there she would've invited you.
Pi$$ing off SIL = no relationship with niece and nephew.
It sounds like you plan on going to the church regardless of what others have advised. Let us know if this works out the way hope it will.
You know- try to have a CONVERSATION. Going in and basically attacking them is going to get you absolutely no where. And if that (telling her she was rude) is really what you think counts as "Talking to her" about it, then I think you're a much bigger part of the problem than you realize.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I want to be a part of their lives, but need my sis-in-law to understand that she can't keep doing things like this.
You will never accomplish this. You are not her mother. You do not get to try to teach her to behave in the manner you'd like. You do not get to punish her if you dislike what she's doing. If you want to make your SIL feel like an asss, send a nice card with a savings bond in it. It will show that you want to do something special for your niece despite not being invited to the baptism. If you want to make yourself look like a bigger asss than your SIL already thinks you are, show up uninvited, thinking that you'll teach her a lesson.
You logic is like that of a petulant teenager contemplating suicide because all she can think about is "They'll be sorry when I'm dead" and not the fact there will be no satisfaction for her because she WILL be dead.
You can create fantasy scenarios of how you want this turn out, but really, all you will be doing is throwing gasoline on the fire of your SIL's dislike of you. It will blow up in your face like you can't imagine.
I don't know now. We might not go, and just send SIL an email simply asking why we weren't invited.
I suppose I'll have to be content that her karma will bite her in the @ss.
-I am upset, because I know my sis-in-law has issue with my husband and I. Specifically that we are pagan.
LOL at your idea that the reason you are being excluded has anything to do with your religious beliefs rather than fact that you're obviously the sort of person that likes to cause drama.
An American Girl's Travels
Yes, lol. Baptized and raised Methodist.
Just because I'm Pagan doesn't mean I don't understand Christianity.
No, I know it's a reason. Believe me.
I also don't like to cause drama. Which you won't believe, I know, but it's your prerogative.
In fact, I was asking advice for a problem, not for you to believe anything I say.
You managed to post two responses and yet neither actually responds to the question asked
::head desk::
At this point, all I can say is from what you have posted here, you may claim you know and understand Methodism *and* Paganism, but you don't seem to understand how to truly practice either.
Look at this thread. You have tens of women who don't know you in real life, who are basing themselves purely on what you're relaying, what you're sharing, that you should NOT go to the baptism and that you need to 1) change your behavior and 2) talk things out honestly and straightforwardly but kindly. Consider that. Some of these women have been married for years and years, have dealt with ILs and extended family and friends and other situations that might be very close to what you're experiencing. You asked for advice - now take it. For your own good.
Okay, and so that leads me to think that this isn't the first time you've pulled something like this <---
Since when is confronting someone about an issue 'pulling something'?
I can promise you with 100% sincerity that I have confronted her ONCE. It about not thanking us for helping her move, when she thanked everyone else who helped them, but DH and I.
I said I wished she'd thanked us, and she said that it was a mistake, she was sorry. I accepted the apology, and here we are, 2 months later.
I've seen her about 5 times, and have been nice, and friendly, and she has too.
I wasn't invited to my SIL's baby shower. I knew and where it was (it was all over facebook). However, I did not go uninvited to make a point. The next time I saw her, I gave her a gift for the baby, she thanked me and life went on. It was HER baby shower to invite who SHE wanted. I wanted her to know we care about our future nephew-hence the gift. She and I aren't exactly friends and just because I married her husband's brother doesn't mean she has to include me.
Were my feelings hurt? Sure. Was it a hill to die on? No. If you "crash" this baptism the only thing the family will learn is that you are passive aggressive and like drama.
In any case, I'm thinking over not having us going now...but if we don't go, decided I'm sending a card and an email asking why we weren't invited, to drive the point home.
And to those who say they are being "blunt", it is coming off as very rude.
You can have an opinion without bashing someone over the head with it.
Tone it down a notch, gals.
You and your DH need to find a way to sit down w/ her AND your BIL and talk. Just talk. An email is going to get you nowhere, and really, no "point" is going to be made other than to annoy and piss her off even more.
For someone who claims they aren't a drama queen, everything you want to do screams "drama".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Fair enough, I'll amend my previous statement. You may not be the sort of person that *likes* to cause drama but you are the def the sort of person that does cause drama even if it is unknowingly. If you weren't, you'd understand that showing up to any place that are you not invited WILL cause drama. Instead, you'd heed the advice you received here multiple times and try to find a solution that did not involve creating more problems.
An American Girl's Travels
I can guarantee SIL will balk at a meeting to sit down and talk. She likes to smooth things over, and avoids confrontation, usually using her DH to run interference. Last time I tried to talk with her, she refused to talk to me. She made her DH to, on the phone, instead.
Maybe take your own advice and leave your SIL alone.
This is the thing - for as much as you may really believe that she is in the wrong, and for as right as you might possibly be, the only way any of this will ever get to a better place is if YOU can sit back and do a little self-introspection and determine how YOU are contributing to the problem.
Because it does take 2 to tango. This isn't ALL on her. Somewhere in all of this, you are a part of the problem. But if you refuse to see that and own up to it, then there really will never be any chance of you getting to a good place.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So I'm not sure what to do- If I don't go, I'll keep the family all appeased, and there will be no drama, which is good. I guess I have to realize the fact taht SIL is going to be a b!tch no matter what I say.
Now the ? is should I confront her or not. (If you read the last post I did, you'll see she avoids it at all costs.)
Hm.
If I do, I can find out WHY I wasn't invited, and if it's something I did wrong, fix it.
Or if I don't, I get to say to DH's gparents, "No, we didn't go. Didn't know about it." , and move on.
You can't approach this as a "confrontation". That's part of the problem. Honestly, right now, my advice is to shut up, sit down, and ride this out.
If anyone asks you why you weren't there, you know what you say? You say "we were sad to miss it but were unfortunately unable to attend.". PERIOD. If they don't know you weren't invited, don't make an issue of it. Just smile and be gracious.
Then at some point in the future... i don't know when, but once things are perhaps "calm" on some level, then try to find a way for both you and DH to approach and talk to BIL and SIL in a NON-confrontational manner.
Or, even better, your DH probably should reach out to his brother first. Talk to him, let him know you are both sad as to where things are, and that both of you would like to work on making things better and then ASK if SIL would be open to trying to start w/ a clean slate.
But if you do any of this attached to an incident, it's only going to go down the road of confrontation and to finger pointing. If you REALLY want to be on good terms w/ them, you actually have to put aside all these 'wrongs' and start at square one.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess I have to realize the fact taht SIL is going to be a b!tch no matter what I say. Now the ? is should I confront her or not.
Honestly, no snark- Understanding the difference between 'confronting' someone and 'talking it out' with someone will help you immensely. Going into any discussion with the attitude that they will be a b!tch no matter what you say won't get you anywhere. Consider going into it with a 'we've had some misunderstandings/disagreements that we both have to move past' attitude instead.
An American Girl's Travels
To the OP: have you ever asked her why such the rift between the 2 of you?
There's 80 replies here; I don't want to sift through them all.
If you haven't discussed this with her, please do -- and as somebody pointed out, do it as politely as possible and not at a family function like a baptism.
You never got the reason and you don't have closure here; I can understand why you are upset.
If she won't discuss this with you, she's in the wrong and the most you can do after that is just let this go.
Who knows what it is? Something could have gotten into the mix that you don't know about; maybe has merely decided pagans are not her cup of tea.
I think we'll sit this one out, but send a card. That way the congrats get there but there aren't any toes stepped on.
Lol Sometimes I get an idea in my head and I have to really work through it to see the answer.
have you ever asked her why such the rift between the 2 of you
I haven't, but should, I suppose. She might be mad I had to skip K's baby shower, but my grandpa was going into surgery the next day so I had to see him.
This will probably come across as rude, and I do not mean it that way, so please try to take it constructively. Perhaps it's the way you're relaying your information, but it really seems like you feel you (and DH) are entitled to something here, just by being married into the family. K is your SIL & BIL's daughter. Sure, she's your niece, but I would be disgustingly offended if I found out my SIL was pissed I didn't invite her to my daughter's baptism - regardless of religion. You're not owed an invite - and thinking that "maybe next time they'll think to invite us" sounds like you are expecting one. It also sounds self-centered and childish.
I recognize you may not be wording the way you're thinking in the best way, but I hope that if what I said above is the case, you'll sit back and think about ways to change that way of thinking. You'll be a lot happier in the long run if you quit expecting things from people. Especially those whom you don't have a great relationship with.
SIL has told me time and again that her son loves being with DH and I when we see him, and that K does too. That's why I'm so confused about the invite thing. So, I don't think I'm entitled, I'm confused and hurt that she didn't invite us, esp since SIL led us to believe she likes having us be around the children.
She's been nice and supportive of us being with the kids and getting to know them, so I guess it just kind of came out of left field.
Since she's such a barrier, I'll ask DH to talk to BIL about it casually, just see what's up...