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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Excluded from niece's baptism???
I think its a great idea for YH to talk to BIL about any issues for the time being. I say this because you already said that she has avoided previous conversation with you and instead had her husband address the conversation. She may just be at the point that she's telling him this is your family its your problem. So I wouldn't push any conversations with her, but I would push DH to talk with his brother, not her, about the whole situation and how it has made you both feel.
If you read the rest of my post I agreed with not attending. However, there is a big difference between being blunt and giving an honest opinion vs. verbally attacking someone.
Apparently you missed my other post about getting your point across without being a total b!tch. TACT. Try it sometime.
hypocrite much?
Rude, right? I'm confused as hell, trying to figure out this mess of family drama, and my feelings about it. Then I get called brain damaged and self absorbed. By someone I'm asking advice from...
By the way, I didn't miss your other post. I just couldn't care less about it or your opinion (see OP, that's how the phrase is properly used).
Why not just do the graceful thing and send a thoughtful gift and a card?
I don't think the "you'd better invite me to future events or I'll just crash it anyway" threat you seem to want to make to her will be at all endearing. Show you care and will respect her wishes and beliefs. Showing up out of nowhere is creepy and rude, not proof of your caring about her daughter -- it comes off really badly, which is what everyone is trying to tell you.
This has to be one of the most maddening threads I've ever read.
It sounds like you plan to not go, and hopefully send a nice card with no snarky subtext. And that's very good, even if it took 4 pages of responses to get there.
I think it would do you very well to find a book on conflict resolution. It doesn't even have to be some touch-feely book. Go to the business section and find one.
This situation may pass, but others are going to come up. You need to figure out how to be positive player in this. Right now your default response is to look for a fight and come out the "winner." Problem is that rarely works. And I still don't think you understand the difference between an confrontation and a conversation.
You'd also be wise to take a very close assessment of your own role in this relationship. You're an instrumental player in this conflict; you can't expect the ILs to change their behavior unless you change yours.
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Point here is, that you were *invited*, OP was not. If OP's BIL/SIL don't want someone at their religious event that doesn't share their religion--that is 100% completely their choice, not OPs. And it is a completely valid choice. OP can't get past the idea that a religious event isn't exactly the same a as family b-day party or baby shower. That was what I was trying to get to.
And I don't see anyone in thread trying to claim Paganism isn't a religion. Personnally, I've been to more Saining ceremonies and Simchat Bats than Christian Baptisms (although all the infant Baptisms I have attended *have* included a pledge from those present to raise the child in that particular religion--maybe it's not the norm, but it's all I've experienced).
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I'm sorry I just expected a little more maturity from a grown woman. I'm 23 and clearly more adult. My bad.
yes, you were especially mature when you told her she was acting like a total bit#h.
Calling someone brain damaged is unacceptable. That's all I was getting at. If you can't understand that I'm not really sure what to tell you.
Wow. That's a lot of emoticons.
The gall to show up univited to a Christian ceremony for an infant who won't know nor care who is there is appalling. And I'm not remotely religious.
The rest of it sounds like serious sour grapes. I predict conflict for the rest of your life with your in laws.
I agree with this. Also, you don't need to be invited to go to church - it's open to everyone.
Jim & Kristen ~ August 19, 2006
I'm really confused. The child being baptized is a baby, right? So how is you going "being there for her"? SHE IS A BABY. and will never know or remember. I doubt she'd look back at pictures and think you were horrible for not coming to a baptism in a church you don't attend. That is just weird to me that you think she will "care."
Honestly maybe your personalities just aren't meant to be close buddy-buddy. Why don't you start off by being friendly at family events and then see if you want a relationship with her after that.
I have a BIL that I refuse to talk to and I know if he did ANY of this stuff you have talked about, I'd dislike him even more.
The bolded is exactly how I feel about this post.
In the small town that our parents live in that is common law. We used to attend my IL's church whenever we went home. Their preacher came up to us once (knowing my DH for some time and me not at all) and flat out asked if we had found a "church home" where we are currently living. When we said we had not the look on his face was as if we just killed his dog. IMO, that's a bad, judgmental preacher.
I do know the difference between a conversation, and a confrontation. I just know my SIL, and you don't. If you knew her, you'd know ANYTHING that we talked about (that had to do with a problem with her or the way she does things) would end in argument.
Everyone in the family walks on eggshells b/c they're afraid she'll leave BIL eventually (and take the grandkids) if they don't give her what she wants, so I'm sure if any argument occurred, the blame would be put on me.
I honestly don't know what you mean by changing my behavior. I haven't done anything to warrant my SIL treating me like this. (Other than telling her I was hurt by not being thanked for helping her move, when another relative was thanked profusely???)
I am always by far pleasanter than she ever is to me, on every occasion that we meet, and make an effort to be nice.
And I am going to give them a card tomorrow at some point; "Congrats on the Baptism!".
I"m always nicer to her than she is me at family events, and while I sometimes feel stung by her actions, always take them with a smile to avoid unnecessary conflict.
I can't change her, but I sure wish it wasn't so difficult.
Exactly the kind of interaction I was talking about.
I know....I really wanted to just show up, but I suppose a card will do....I honestly want to know why we weren't invited more than anything at this point.
And that's where it is, for now.