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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: B&M Monday
I agree in the fact that what was sent would have created a huge issue if I had sent it to my MIL. I also agree about maybe offering yourself to help or even as a couple to help for a few hours one weekend.
MrsLynch, my H isn't the Mr. Fix-It type either. If his mom had contacted me about something like that (and I can actually see this potentially happening), I'd probably write or call her and tell her that I'd mention the hurt feelings, but that honestly she should call him directly and he'd probably respond better/faster.
I'd (politely, hopefully self-deprecatingly) explain that I have to really pick and choose things I ask DH to do for me because he works so many hours and doesn't have much free time. Anything I can just do myself, I do, because it's easier than waiting for him to have time, and I can't volunteer to nag him for her, too. (Although I'd word that last part better, but that's kind of the point. I wouldn't want to be in the middle of H and his mom, no way.)
What jumps out at me is why she can't talk to her own son about it, and she has to go through you. My first response would have been "I don't know, dearest MIL, you'll have to speak to your son about this"
For the record, I didn't say right out he is lazy. I said he hasn't offered to help anyone out lately. "lazy" was just my vent on here. He never has, she knows this, she has come to me about this kind of thing before. So its nothing new, and she does know that. And I am put between the two of them often. His mom is very childish sometimes. If he does something she doesn't like or says something she doesn't like, then she won't talk to him (or its been me too) for 2 weeks, and I act as the go between.
And you said, I can't volunteer him for stuff. If she needs his help, then she should ask. Who wants to be voluntered? I know I don't like it. And he does work a lot and is in nursing school on top of that. I think my vent was misconstrued. My vent is, how can she expect him to go to their house (an hour drive, round trip) when I can't get him to do anything at our own house that we live in together.
Your guess is as good as mine. I think now, I just get tired of hearing him whine about it, so I just do it all myself. Pick your battles right?
Your guess is as good as mine. I think now, I just get tired of hearing him whine about it, so I just do it all myself. Pick your battles right?
I didn't say you volunteer him... I said perhaps you could volunteer yourself? Since he is so busy, and you're the handy one anyway... a small gesture like that could go a long way.
As far as her putting you in between them, that's something YOU have to stop. Don't let her vent to you, don't let her bring you into it. Politely ask her to talk to your DH about it and that you don't want to get in the middle, because I promise, it can and will get ugly for you if you don't stop it now.
Bio
Good question. They have a very strange dynamic that I haven't quite figured out. She is moody. Very moody. Look at her wrong and you aren't spoken to for weeks (literly....its happened)
I politely mentioned it to her. Asked her if she had talked to him about it because I am not really sure how to bring it up to him.
Clearly they want her DH involved, and he isn't. That seems like it's more of the problem.
You must know my in-laws :P
Then I would tell him to contact his mother, or tell his mother to contact him. You should stay completely out of it though.
Bio
Um, no. He an adult and he should be pulling his weight. Your actually okay with that?
No, but logically, if my parents were hurt I didn't want to help them with something, my H volunteering wouldn't make it better. They would still be hurt that their daughter didn't want to help.
To me, it seems like it's the thought behind it, not the physical man power that they wanted from their son.
No not really, but again, pick your battles, who does the dishes or takes out the trash isn't worth a fight to me anyways. It's annoying, and makes me mad from time to time, but its only worth a vent on here or "margarita and vent night" with my girl friends, not much more then that.
I am not trying to be preachy but in my experience both personal and what I have seen with others this mind set never turns out very good. Little things like this will add up over the next 5, 10, 20 years and by then there is so much built up resentment it sometimes cannot be repaired.
Yes. Not to mention there should not be a fight, he is a responsible adult and should be helping you...without you even having to ask.
I'm not trying to be rude at all, I'm just concerned.
I will let it go now, sorry.
My DH helps around the house with everything... child rearing, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cooking, cleaning... everything. I love him very much, but if he didn't do those things, I probably wouldn't have married him. Not because I think the act in itself is bad, but it's the lack of thought for me, the irresponsibility and the amount of work that is placed on me having to make up for him. And when a child comes along, expect that work load to triple.
These are things that you should handle now before you have children.
Ok, off my soap box.
Bio
To offer another perspective -- I hope the relationship is otherwised balanced. For example, I do complain about the amount of housework I have to do ... even though DH and I struck our deal when we moved in that I do the housework, he does the yardwork and the cooking. We take turns on laundry and shopping. I guess I complain because he actually likes his chores (especially cooking), whereas I'm not such a fan of cleaning. And, well, I'm just a complainer. I admit it.
So anyway, while I complain sometimes, we do have a fair and balanced house. If we didn't, I'd go back to our pre-marital counselor we had to see to get married in our church. She's the one that helped us balance our responsibilities in the first place, including getting H to volunteer to do the one chore that neither of us wanted to do at all (taking care of anything creepy-crawly that made its way in the house). I love her for that fact alone.
You are a better woman than me. There is no way I could have that kind of attitude.
Yes! That's the key! BALANCED is the perfect word that I somehow missed saying. You say what I'm thinking... only better.
Bio
Bio
I think it's big of her for not letting it bother her. Some women are okay with some things others aren't. I'm a huge proponent of picking your battles also. You just have to let some things go.
That being said, there's a big difference in genuinely being okay with something, and telling yourself you're okay with it until it builds up and builds up and all comes out, because you're really not okay with it, but yore trying to be.
I told Ben before we were married I would expect him to help and if he thought I was going to wait on him hand and foot like his mom does his dad, then I wasn't the woman for him. And I meant it. And I was keeping my yard man and my housekeeper too, thank you very much.
I just know from experience that I can't do it all and had no interest in trying. I just felt it was better to get it out on the table beforehand. Luckily, he was ok with it.
With All the Trimmings
Just do it!
I like your style!
When DH and I were still long-distance, I had a very serious talk with DH about me + cooking. I told him I was serious about hating to cook and that I never plan to do anything more extensive than a frozen pizza or microwaved dinner. I told him that if that that bothered him, he should not have me move in with him.
Instead, he proposed.
I'm sure there were other things I warned him about, but this was the major one. And to his credit, he's never once expected me to cook for him. His family, on the other hand, is constantly trying to coax me into cooking during their family gatherings. They seem bewildered by the idea that I don't intend to cook.
FTR, I have broken that a bit attempted to cook a few times in the past year and a half. A couple of the meals were even edible, but mostly thanks to him. Including one time when he had to put the chicken back in the oven, because I'd completely under-cooked it and couldn't tell.