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In-law issues
I know I haven't posted here much, but I really need some advice from people outside of the situation. (And sorry, but I don't know any of the acronyms)
My husband and I got married in June, and were together six years before that. His parents got a divorce about three years ago and his dad got remarried in January of this year. I love his dad, and for a while, I enjoyed spending time with his then girl friend. But since they got married, its like a switch has flipped. A little background: this woman is on her 4th marriage and all the other ones supposedly ended because the guy was an abusive drug dealer (through outside circumstances, I have come to know one of her exes and there is no way he was the way she described). Well, she has two daughters and a son from her first marriage, which I didn't like, but could stand to be around when there were family get together's. Both girls recently got married and one we gave a gift, and the other we didn't because for her wedding, we had to drive 60 miles, pay a bunch of tolls, pay parking, and then drive back 60 miles to pay for our own dinners at a restaurant. Now, both girls are pregnant, so I got a text message from his step-mother that she was throwing two showers, one for each girl (even though one had a baby shower instead of a wedding shower because she had been on her own so long she didn't need anything for the house). I responded "I will not be attending either" because I didn't know how to phrase it in a way that wouldn't upset my husband's step-mother. Well, apparently, she didn't like my text because a little while later, my husband and I got text invites to my FIL's 50th bday party. Mine ended with "Kim, you don't have to go to this either if you don't want to" And I was really upset by this so we went back and forth about money and her planning this without talking to this and she said, "Fine don't come, the people that love him will be there." At this point my husband got upset and told her to stop and she brought up how I wasn't going to the showers and that was mean to the girls, etc. etc. etc....
The conversation about that ended and I thought everyone had moved on, but then she posted:
i love my family and friends so much. my family is the most important thing in my life. families sometimes go thru their problems with either especially, like mine, is a large and extended family. its great times when everyone can get along but there is times when selfish members tear, or try to tear the family apart. thats ok, there loss. it just makes us stronger. its you that is miserable and have to have bs in your life to feel happy, or is it just that your selfish and jealous of us? is that why you do it? doesn't matter. we won't entertain your bs and keep going on with our lives. you don't exist.
And now I am really upset about this again. My FIL and husband want both of us to apologize, but I don't feel that I have anything to apologize for. I don't know what to do because I love my husband and my FIL and don't want anything to come into their relationship, but I HATE his wife!
Sorry, but any comments would be great, I feel like crap since seeing that facebook post this morning and my husband can't talk because he is at work.
Re: In-law issues
Thank you for your response. I agree that I should try to keep the peace, but I am not going to those showers. The girls didn't give us gifts for our wedding, even after we did at theirs (or went and paid our own ways). As for the birthday, it was canceled right after our little tiff with his stepmother. My husband can't think of anything that I need to apologize for, but he and his father decided that we should both apologize just to make things better. But I won't apologize if I did nothing wrong. He didn't ask his father what it was that I needed to apologize for. Maybe I will ask him.
I am just so sick of her manipulating situations. Luckily my FIL has told his wife that she isn't blameless in this feud. But that post on fb.... What is she 10?
I dont' understand why you responded by text, to be honest. You should have waited for an actual invitation w/ all the details, then you could have called her and said "Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'm busy that day.". Easy peasy.
I don't know how you could think a text just saying "I won't be attending either" wouldn't come across a bit harsh.
Then to her note about FIL's party- what was there to go "back and forth" w/ her over? You should have ignored that comment and then you and your DH should have simply RSVP'd "we'll be there!".
She sounds like a peach, but you're playing right into all of this too.
If you know when the showers will be held, I actually would apologize and I'd just say "I'm really sorry for how I initially responded. I realize it came across harshly and that wasn't my intention. All I meant was that I'm busy those days and unfortunately can't come. It doesn't mean anything about how I feel about them. And in turn, we of course plan on coming to FIL's party. I feel horrible how things have played out and I want you to know that I'm sorry...".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This woman does all her invites via text. She did that for both girls' weddings and now the showers and the party. That is why I responded by text. And that response was the least_bitchiest thing I could think of. It was too far in advance to have known my work schedule, so that couldn't have been an excuse (especially since it turns out I am off those days). There are no actual invitations.
After she sent me the text about the party with the "Kim, you don't have to come to this if you don't want to" I explained said that we don't really have the money to be able to eat at the restaurant that she chose for the party, which isn't lying and she knows a little about our financial situation, enough to know that we can't afford to go out to a fancy restaurant. So I asked why the party (that she planned without even consulting either of his kids) couldn't be held at someone's house since a lot of people that would be invited probably can't afford to eat at an expensive restaurant. She responded with some crap how its just money and "don't come, I don't care.... the people that love him will show up..."
And I'm not sorry for what I said. I don't know how else I could have responded that wouldn't have come across as_bitchy. Any RSVP no via text is harsh. And the party was since cancelled.
This isn't rocket science. ECB gave the response that most polite people would use when declining a shower. After waiting for the specific details, you say "Oh so sorry, I have previous engagements those days and won't be able to make it."
Your tit-for-tat attitude with these girls though is not attractive.
So if you work weekends, you could have responded "Thanks for the invitation. Once it gets closer, I'll let you know if I can come or not.".
As for FIL's party, your DH should have handled all of that.
You obviously have a chip on your shoulder about her (i'm not judging, just stating facts) and I think you need to take a step back from her and any situation dealing w/ her. OR if you "had" to reply, all you needed to say was "Unfortunately DH and I will be unable to attend. But we'd like to have you over to our house for dinner to celebrate another night.".
But even that- I feel it should have come from your DH.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not a regular on this board, but I will say that this whole thing sounds a little childish. At one point you say you don't want to go because they didn't get you wedding gifts and you got them gifts? I get that you don't like them, and I definitely don't think you have to go to the shower if you don't want to, but to throw in the "they didn't get me a gift and I got them one" is a little childish. Neither of my step-sis/bro and their spouses got us a wedding gift and we got them one. Was it tacky and a little rude? Yes. But I still got her a baby shower gift, because I chose to be above that kind of drama.
I will agree with PP that your response to her might have come across as snippy/rude. I also think your MIL is being rude. However, one of you needs to be the bigger person. You don't have to apologize for anything you didn't do, but a simple "I'm sorry that we seemed to have a misunderstanding" (even if you don't think it was), will help keep this from becoming the 100-year war. I would also send a card to each of the girls for their showers, no need to buy a gift.
You don't have to like any of them, but you do have to be related to them and it will be a whole lot easier on you both find a way to move on.
This!
It sounds like what's done is done, but you can probably rectify the situation a bit.
Go to your FIL's party. Bring something - flowers, an appetizer to share, something.
Don't go to the two baby showers. Do send gifts (they can be small... a cute outfit from TJ Maxx can be less than $10 easily) and really sweet card expressing your happiness for them.
Call/write to the stepmom. Tell her that you're sorry for the way that you communicated, but that you're unable to go to the showers. You wish you could be there and feel bad that it won't work out. This can be a big, fat white lie... but seriously, it is much easier to deal with in-laws when you don't have bad feelings between each other.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
To: alithebride
I was raised that for weddings, graduations, baby showers, etc, when someone gives you a gift, you reciprocate. That is why I didn't give her a gift. And I did have to go to the wedding. It was something that was done to keep the peace. We tried to tell his stepmother that we couldn't make it and she b!tched and moaned until we did. So we did HAVE to go. It was more than tasteless to make everyone go out of their ways and pay all these expenses to watch them get married (not to mention we were invited to this wedding one week prior via text message). Yes, they got married, after being engaged, having an engagement party, breaking it off and us spending a whole day that we had to request off from work (again for his stepmother) to move her out of their place, then getting back together and having a baby shower in place of a wedding shower because they had everything for the house. Not only that but they and their husbands ate the most expensive meal offered and one husband broke a glass that we had to pay for at our wedding.
The invites for both girls weddings, their wedding showers, the baby showers, and for his fathers birthday were ALL VIA TEXT. It wasn't a heads up it ended with "RSVP by...." She wouldn't send a real invite, she doesn't do things like that. It is easier for her to get her way via text.
And for the party, we went back and forth about money because my husband and I both work really crappy jobs (the economy isn't very good) and we are TRYING to save every penny for a house (we currently live with my parents). And about the planning because she never once consulted either of his children (my husband and my SIL) about the party. She just went ahead and made reservations at a fancy, expensive restaurant. The dinner was everyone who comes pays for their own meal. She didn't expect us to cover the total cost, but our meals, which we knew we couldn't afford.
And yes, she is entitled to post whatever she wants on facebook, but what is she, 10? Really. That post was ridiculous.
I haven't said why I hate her because it wasn't necessarily about this post. She is manipulative. My husband and FIL agree that if something doesn't go the way she wants, she twists her stories so that she is the angel and the other person involved is some horrible scumbag. My husband and FIL went out last night to talk about this and that is what they said. I don't believe I should apologize because like I said, there is no way to respond "no" without sounding mean. Obviously, she didn't want anyone to say no.
My husband can't stand his father's wife, so it isn't just me. But that I am not going to her slutty daughter's showers is what pissed her off in the first place. I have blocked her phone from calling/texting me, so my husband will do all the correspondence with his family from now on. But just to point one thing out... She isn't my MIL. She is my FIL's wife. Big difference. My MIL is great.
After reading your last response, the two of you deserve each other actually. You are not a nice person.
FIL's party was cancelled. So there is nothing there. And I am not sending either girl a gift. I am not spending a penny on either girl when they didn't have the decency to give us a gift. I was raised that you give equivalent to what has been given to you. The fact that neither girl gave us anything, plus, we had to pay for a broken glass for one of the girl's husband.
And I do not lie. I was raised that an apology should mean something. I have never lied an apology and I don't intent to start now.
Okay, I wanted to spend nothing since I don't support their marriage in the first place. So why am I a bad guy for having to go to a wedding that I don't support and buy a gift for them on top of that? Even by your reasoning for giving a gift, I wasn't necessarily wrong for not giving them a gift.
Ok, that was just my two cents. I'm the type that would rather have peace in the family even if it means going above and beyond when I don't necessarily want to. But, to each their own.
However, I don't think you can complain about her when you aren't willing to put in any extra effort either.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
Really? She came over with a gun, stuck it to your head, forced you in the car, and made you drive to the wedding? Didn't anyone at the wedding inquire about her gun being pointed to your head the entire time?
Yeah, I have to agree. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. But you've taken advice from others, rejected it, and been very adamant that you're unwilling to compromise/try at all.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
So I am acting like a b!tch because I refuse to give a false apology? Actually, I am doing what I believe in.
Wow. Your so cleaver. No she didn't point a gun at us. But she kept nagging and nagging about this that and the other thing until we finally said yes. It didn't matter when we said we had plans (we were going to go out with my friends that night), it didn't matter that we didn't have money. To her, we HAD to go.
The advice was to lie. I am adamant that I am not going to LIE. I am unwilling to lie. lying =/= trying.
Ok, then don't lie. But you have to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you. It isn't always about what you want to do and what is convenient for you. Get over the fact that you haven't received gifts. Be a nice person, make some effort.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!