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MIL and her constant badgering about money I spend.
Let me start by saying that I'm not a big shopper. I do occasionally buy a pair of shoes (occasionally meaning every few months....i spend no more that $50) I also occasionally buy scrapbooking paper or supplies....although not so much in the last year and a half or so being that we paid quite a bit for our wedding.
The ONE THING that I did not cut back on when I started living with my husband is the fact that I go to a salon every six weeks and get my hair done. No fail, every six weeks. Im naturally brunette and I have my hair weaved blonde and Im not going to lie...being blonde it is costly as anyone who does what I do will tell you.
Not only do I get my hair done every six weeks but I still drive to the salon that I have been going to for over 10 years, even when I moved 30 miles (35-40 min drive) away to live with my husband. I'm picky about who does my hair...i have had to go elsewhere in a bind before and the few times I have I was unhappy so I have stuck with my girl who has been doing it forever!
My mother in law has always made comments about going to back to my roots "So you can save money!" Dying my hair all one color....."So you could do it yourself!" even "Find somewhere closer so you don't have to make the drive and you can save money on gas"
The fact that I have ALWAYS rejected these ideas does not stop her. Im always nice and tell her I like my hair color and her son did not want me to change my color to a dark color (he protests the idea everytime!) And that I like the way my stylist does my hair and have no desire to change. I tell her the drive does not bother me and I go visit my parents everytime I get my hair done (they live minutes away from the salon) because I drive to that town often anyway to see family.
So post wedding I decide to color my hair....NOT because MIL wants me to. I had been toying with the idea of Red hair for months. My hair stylist discussed it and decided perhaps after the wedding. Well I did it. My hair is red, it looks fab even though hubby was not sure about it at first.
Well MIL saw it and you would have thought SHE got a new haircut she was so excited. She then started to make suggestions that I start doing it myself and I just told her I didnt know abut that and that Red needed as much upkeep as blonde sometimes.
Im getting sick of it. I have been hearing it for too long, she does not get the hint. I have been nice. I think Im finally at my witts end because she drove me a little crazy with the same type of stuff when i was planning the wedding.
She has also decided it BADGER me about getting thank you cards out for the wedding the day we got back from Maui and every few days since...I have something specific in mind for the cards and we are doing them this next week but it caused my husband to get into HUGE fights!
I need to tell her nicely to stop worrying about our thank you cards, our money and when I clean the spare room out (it has become a storage room for post wedding stuff and a few other things)
If you saw the way she brings this stuff up, you would laugh, cause she is so sweet, and so loving and genuinely trying to be helpful.....but it needs to stop because she is incessant about it!
Sorry for the book, end of rant. Thanks for any advice. 
Re: MIL and her constant badgering about money I spend.
OMG I didn't realize exactly how long that was....don't blame anyone for not reading it.
On the TY notes - she has a point. You were married in May? They should have gone out long ago.
On the hair - assuming that she isn't helping to support you, you need to nicely tell her to MYOB. Stop explaining yourself to her - it makes her think she has a say in the matter. "MIL, thanks for your concern but I'm not interested in changing my salon routine." "MIL, as I told you before, I'm not interested in changing my routine."
Honestly, if it was me I would just ignore her. I wouldn't answer a thing or just walk out of the room. I wouldn't walk out in a huff or anything, I would just act like I didn't hear her. It seems that talking to her isn't working so you need some action now.
If you're not comfortable with her comments, you need to stand up for yourself and tell her to please cut it out once and for all. And make it stick.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Start lying to her and say you do it yourself now.
Tell her she's absolutely right about the spare room. My mother hates when I agree with her about something she's harping on - because she knows I have absolutely no intention of doing it. In general, I find agreeing with annoying people the fastest way to get them to shut up.
Just stop talking to her about your hair routine. If she comments on your latest cut or color in a negative way, just say something non-committal ("Mmm-hmm" or "Thanks for the thought") and change the subject or walk away.
You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone. If you are confident in your choice, if you're not hurting anyone and if you're paying for something with your own money, then you don't owe anyone a damn thing. The more you explain, apologize or argue, the more MIL (or anyone else who loves to argue) will just feed into it. Don't give her that satisfaction. If she's not paying for your mortgage or your haircuts or whatever, then she has zero say in what you do. IGNORE HER.
Regarding the thank you notes ... no, it's not her right to nitpick you over them, but if you're more than a few months past your wedding then she has a point. That may be coming from an etiquette standpoint rather than her being a busybody. You're absolutely not the only newlywed who's got a parent breathing down her neck to finish her thank you notes.
Or, better yet, if she starts nagging you about the thank you notes, you could reply with, "How about you talk to your son about this? It was his wedding, too!"
Ditto PPs as far as not explaining yourself to her.
How does she know so much about your salon routine, your thank-yous, and the state of your spare room? My MIL is delightful, but I don't involve her in my business that much. Heck, I don't involve my own mother that much.
I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but your post makes me wonder if your husband is venting about your hair upkeep routine to his mom. If he's not, maybe next time his mom launches in on you about it, HE needs to shut his mom down.
Kuus you are rough today!
I agree that you should just agree w/your MIL and then quickly change the subject. If she brings up your hair again "oh, I thought we finished that topic."
I agree with everyone else that you need to stop explaining, simply because she thinks that she can argue with it.
My mom is like this. I use the phrase, "I've got it covered, thanks" all the time with her. Walking away during at the end of this sentence is also effective to let her know the subject is closed.
Casmagn -ideally i would definitely have sent them out already and i have had a few family matters get in the way of this and now that things have gotten back to normal....first on my list! I think the day we came back from Maui was annoying to me.
STW - I never get huffy with her...I couldnt it would be disrespectful and she is never rude. I have however responded with a nod and and "I know what you think of it"
Return - I guess hair color is definitely a personal preference. DH said the Red hair "suits me" but he likes me as a blonde because it is what he is used to and he likes the way it looks. MIL said she loves the red hair. I really hope she wouldn't lie. She doesn't usually try and spare feelings.....but she puts things as nicely as possibly when she does not like something. I know several brunettes who look nice blonde...but like i said...its a preference thing. For me it depends on complexion and Im pretty light. My features are pretty average....so I think most colors i can get by with (not black or crazy extreme colors though) Thank you for your input though.
As for her being knowledgeable....she asks. As for the other things. She asks DH. We dont lie to her.
TY cards going out this week. I had some family things come up right before the wedding that need my attention and help afterward, Everyone is aware and understands......i kinda figured im not the only one with in laws on them about TY cards....they are very important.
Maybe its just time to straight up tell her not to worry about it.
I have spoken to DH about it. He has gotten a little frustrated with her and told her not to worry about it....but she is just wanting to "mother" us.
Thanks ladies. Very helpful. Gettin on those TY cards, POMISE
Not giving her information is not the same as lying.
Her - "Did you pay a lot of money to get your hair dyed and drive 45 minutes to do so?"
Me - "Don't worry about it" or "Why do you ask?"
Seriously, this is where the "I've got it covered, thanks" really comes into play. You don't owe her information because she asks.
I am not a big fan of people giving me unsolicited advice about the way that I choose to spend money. So, I feel your pain.
I would find a careful way to make it clear (and be sure that your H backs you when/if he overhears your MIL badgering you) that you enjoy getting it done and it's what you prefer. You could say, 'I don't tell you how to do x, y, or z' and sweetly smile.
Don't feel like you have to be a certain way to please someone else. You don't. Lay the boundaries now -- the sooner, the better. And, sure, she'll be put out, but it will save you heartache in the future, having to listen to that unnecessary nagging.
People can ask all they want - it's up to you if you want to give an answer or not. And not answering does NOT mean you're lying. It means that it's an answer that you, for whatever reason, would rather not provide. And that's totally fine.
As for her being knowledgeable....she asks. As for the other things. She asks DH. We dont lie to her.
So then, respond with something like "None of your business" or "I don't feel like talking about it."
You're not obligated to respond just because she asks you a question. It's not mean or rude or impolite to refuse to allow someone to pry into your personal life. It's absolutely none of her business.
I don't expect a pass on the TY cards. We are 9 weeks past the wedding so I get it.
I hope she wasn't embarrassed 2 weeks after the wedding when we just came home from honeymoon. I was also under the impression we had 12 weeks......maybe misinformed by my girlfriend who I thought knew all things wedding. I'm definitely not the expert. Now I'm a little embarrassed. Most people knew my situation with the family and are forgiving but Im not waiting any longer.
Zest - point taken!
Kuus.....oh scary idea...posting pics. But, ok. I can take criticism...I'm a big girl. Its ok if you don't like....I'm not trying to change your mind on brunettes going blonde.
ok im lame to photo posting. I was gonna post a red and blonde for Kuus but obviously Im having issues.
lets see if i can figure it out
This is perfect. Truth is, it's none of her business unless you make it her business by talking to her about it, so stop making it her business.
Or, better yet, if she starts nagging you about the thank you notes, you could reply with, "How about you talk to your son about this? It was his wedding, too!"
I agree! It took us up to 6 months or so to get them all out and I don't care if I get flamed for that. My H dragged his feet quite a bit but you better believe he still did his half!
I think you are probably too polite about it or else she would know she is a meddling mil. You would do both of you a kindness if you told her flat out to stop bringing it up. If you cannot set boundaries about your appearance, money, and ability to send out ty cards then what else is she going to think she has a right to comment on in the future? I say tell her, please stop bringing it up and I am a grown woman who can decide how to wear my hair.
I'm a mood today, so had it been me who was told to do it at home I would have screamed and have my hair look like yours!! NFW.
Ok so I just returned from dinner with DH and I casually brought this up.
said something to the effect of "So love, how do you think I should go about letting your mom know that she does not need to worry about MY hair and that I go to the salon to get my hair done.....you know how she brought it up last time we saw her and its something she regularly does. I'm getting a little tired of hearing it"
He told me that no matter what I say she will continue. She has made this a habit for many many years and doubts she knows how to be any other way.
He said to pay attention closer when she speaks to other people and I will notice she does it to everyone. I know he has gotten angry with her when he feels it isnt her place to worry about things like how much money we spend and such. He yelled at her during the wedding planning telling her that if we could not afford to do what we were doing then we wouldn't be spending the money....she would stop at the moment, but would indeed at some point do it again.
Im still liking what Zest said and others. No more explaining myself to her. I appreciate the advice from the longer marrieds here in helping me deal with this.
FMIL - I am definitely very polite with her. I feel like she wold just wilt if I got angry with her.
This may be "how she is", but I really do have to wonder if you just stop even entertaining the discussion and shut it down each.and.every.time, if she really gets nothing in return, she might back off.
That's why I wonder how others respond. If they already shut her down and she still does it, well then, you are out of luck. But if you see that they respond, they explain, etc, she is still getting something from it! If she doesn't get anything from it, it might stop her. You never know.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This, or tell her point blank, "MIL - how I choose to spend my money or do my hair is none of your business."
i'm not even going to touch the TYs. they should've been sent out 5 weeks ago regardlessof the issues you wre having. unless you were in the hospital they shouldn've been first. your wedding knowing friend is wrong
you dont take 3 months to send Tys. Also-your DH got married that day too. Next time MIL asks about them ask her 'have you asked your son? we both got married." bet she wont say much.
and about cleaing out the guest room-none of her business. 'when i get to it' and then change the subject. if she keeps asking think of something like 'why are you wondering? are you planning on moving in?"
anyway-what your MIL does would irritate the HELL out of me as well. i agree-something blunt and too the point may work.
My MIL treats me the same way. I understand that it's my choice as to whether or not I take her directions/advice and that she believes she is being helpful, but I usually walk away from conversations with her feeling like she thinks I am a total idiot or bad at life. On the reverse, I think she likes to take care of people and I am a very independent (some might say controlling...) person, so I think she struggles at trying to figure out how to relate to me.
However, she definitely DOES treat everyone else the same way (including her own kids), so I can't expect to change her. I can just continue to try to get to know her better and let her get to know me better. Maybe someday she will trust that I can handle life's basic tasks :-).
So, I say, keep being your awesome self. Love your husband and accept his family for who they are so that they can accept you back. As long as your DH isn't taking his MIL's side, then you are good to go.
My MIL used to harp on me about the money I spend but it came to a head when DH and I were building our house. We had a big discussion with her that it is our money and what I choose to spend my money on is not up for discussion with her. It was very uncomfortable to say it and she got mad and pouted for a bit but she's been a lot better about not lecturing me on what I spend money on since then.
Saying that your MIL acts like that because it's a habit shouldn't even be an option for you guys. My MIL still has a few slip ups with me because it is a habit for her to get in other people's business but habits can be broken and bad habits SHOULD be broken. Lecturing people about their spending is just plain rude and I don't think it should be tolerated. When my MIL slips up now I ignore her until she changes the subject or remind her that I'm not going to talk to her about my spending.
I think it sounds like her issue is more about aesthetics than money, too. Sorta, passive aggressive? 'Course I could be wrong.
Since you think it is about money and not whether she thinks your blonde is flattering, then instead of asking your husband if he minds/likes the blonde, you need to check with him if he minds/likes the money to have it done (including gas/time). If he's cool with spending on the treatments but not with the frequency of round trips, then alter it. If he's cool with everything, just tell your MIL that she needs to take it up with DH if she wants to challenge how he would like to lead the family financially.
The bit about the thank you cards for the wedding...that's so short term. They should have been sent out quickly, but if they are going out next week you'll not be badgered much longer (though it may be brought up now and again in the past-tense form). Tell her you're on it and let it go.