Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: In-law issues
I don't doubt that your SMIL is a pill. I believe everything you say. I can't believe she TEXTS invitations.
BUT you are wrong in this too and if you refuse to see this, then this situation will only get worse. Two wrongs don't make a right. How you said "no" to her inviation was rude and uncalled for. No matter how rude her invitation may have been.
If you really feel you don't even have to apologize for that, then all I can say is "good luck".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Bullshits. You, as grown adults, may the choice to go. Because YOU decided to give into her nagging and whining. She did not MAKE you go and YOU did not HAVE to go--YOU decided it was the choice you wanted to make.
Please don't breed. If you can't stand up to a little nagging and whining, you have no business attempting to raise a child.
She's counting showing up at the 2nd girl's wedding as equal to a wedding present.
Honestly, so much could be avoided. You have to learn to deal with individuals like this more strategically. Right now, I do see that you need to apologize for escalating matters that need not have been escalated.
If your MIL never sends out invitations, as you said only handles things via text, then you could have chosen NOT to have texted back and to have sent regrets - politely worded - via your FIL since you seem to anticipate negativity from your MIL. You don't have to lie to say you have plans - I see that there wasn't a date yet, just a general announcement - all you have to do is word your retort better.
And, sigh, you do not give gifts to get gifts, and you do not give gifts with a track record and score card. You also do not count tolls on the road there as equal to a wedding present. If you don't wish to give a wedding gift, then send a card, or don't...but you don't act like a child and say "they didn't please me enough by doing XYZ therefore I'm going to be withholding and my own rudeness is therefore justified." That's not only feeding into the poor family dynamics, it's outright causing them on your part.
The moment there was a snide remark about your FIL's b-day party and your not having to go was an opportunity to say, "Absolutely we're coming. Wouldn't miss it for the world and excited about it!" Positive and confirming.
The moment a FB message went up on the wall you could have chosen not to involve yourself in her passive aggressiveness. You were in a no-win situation with any other response than Ignore. Let her look like the loon next time all by herself.
As far as your FIL thinking you need to apologize - well, you have a list of actions now that you took a wrong turn in...apologize. And apologize without a score card figuring her apology has to be some grand thing (or even happen). If your DH doesn't think you have anything to apologize for, then ask him how he would have appropriately handled each step which would allow you not to be walked over but would have kept you from feeding the beast. That's when he'll see things and help out a little in how to apologize. I don't feel you need to grovel at her feet, I don't think you need to fake a whole lot of reasons. You can apologize by being "participating in destructive communication between the two of us."
As to the apologies, there is a huge difference between apologizing for what you did and apologizing for how the other person felt. You can totally go into it saying something like, "I'm sorry you felt hurt. That wasn't my intention." (It wasn't, was it?). It's about keeping the peace. Do what you can, because honestly, this situation has the potential of putting your H and FIL in a tug of war and ultimately creating tension between all of you, long-term. That's not what you want, is it? Nip it in the bud.
If you know when the showers will be held, I actually would apologize and I'd just say "I'm really sorry for how I initially responded. I realize it came across harshly and that wasn't my intention. All I meant was that I'm busy those days and unfortunately can't come. It doesn't mean anything about how I feel about them. And in turn, we of course plan on coming to FIL's party. I feel horrible how things have played out and I want you to know that I'm sorry...".
This.
BFP #1: 8.23.11 C/P (4w)
BFP #2: 10:21.11 EDD 6.28.11 Born 6.22.12
Ditto to all the PP's.
1. Written words can be misconstrued - i.e. text messages. Pick up the d@mn phone and offer up an RSVP so that it's NOT misconstrued, even if you are making something up so that you don't have to go/dont want to.
2. Tit for Tat = Tacky. Grow up and be an adult. Just because you were "raised" to give equivolent does not mean that it how everything is supposed to be. If you think like that, you will be sorely disappointed for the rest of your life. Life it not Tit for Tat.
3. You could have gone to the dinner for your FIL. You get one meal and SHARE or just a small appetizer; you don't have to partake in a five course meal, if it's that fancy. It's not your place to suggest other locations for parties. It's her party and she's going to have it, no matter what. If you can't go, then you cant. You let them know, via PHONE and not text messages or email, that you are so sorry you can't attend and maybe suggest another date for dinner to celebrate. Easy Peasy.
4. You might not support their marriages, or the fact that they are having babies, but if you want to alienate the family even further, then by all means don't send a gift. But if you want to be a bigger, better person than they are, then send something, albeit small and thoughtful, in budget. That is what an adult would do.
Sometimes YOU have to be the bigger person. And you can't change them; you can only change YOURSELF.
You do understanding that this is your husband's family right? And regardless of how you feel about them, he is blood related at least to his father and presumably has some emotional connection to them. You're acting immature, no better than SMIL, and putting your husband in a crummy position in the meantime.
You sound incredibly petty and spiteful especially when it comes to money. So what they didn't buy you a gift. The point of inviting guests to your wedding is to share an important event with people you care about. So what they ordered the most expensive meal? You offered it and you invited them. Sure, its good etiquette to give a present but its also good etiquette not to demand presents or expect presents and not to throw hissy fits when you don't get them. So you're just as much in the wrong, especially considering you refused to give a gift out of spite.
You need to grow up, make a decision not to get mad over stupid things, let go of useless grudges and find a way to maintain a cordial relationship with them for the sake of your DH and FIL.
Not sure why - maybe it's their looks (you call them slutty but you haven't said a thing about what makes them slutty - and "slutty" is often used by people who are jealous of external attributes), maybe it's that they're likely close to your age and maybe are "ahead of you" in certain things (you didn't state, or I didn't read, who got married first; they're having babies and you're not (or if you are, you didn't say so)), or maybe it's just plain competitiveness in some other realm. It's weird, if you ask me, to adopt such an emotional reaction to people that are so far out of your life (I mean, really? Your FIL's new wife and her daughters? Please!!).
Mature people react with happiness and joy when people who are close to them (or close to those who are close to them - they are close to your FIL, after all) do well. Immature people respond with pettiness, tit-for-tat, and try to justify it from today till Kingdom Come. You, unfortunately, are the latter.