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Grandmother in-law issues, fun times. Long, long.
So...from the very start of my H and mine's relationship (5 years ago) his maternal grandmother has not been so keen about the idea of me. She plays the 'dumb old lady' card to the best of her ability, and I can see right through it. I used to question if she was just truly stupid. 5 years later, I now KNOW she doesn't like me. Here are some of the more outstanding examples:
- MIL had a pool party (she always has them), H offered to make me a plate of food. GIL says "You are so lazy," rudely and in front of everyone...to which I responded "He offered to make me a plate...?" and she, of course, completely ignored me. This stems from the fact that, excuse the sh!t out of my H, but he has always been almost overly-gentleman-ly...I do my own thing a lot of the time when he asks, but since he was getting his own plate too, I thought 'why not say yes this time.' GIL didn't like that.
- GIL came down to FL 8 months ago, when H was about to secure his job. Now, my own mother is the deputy who hired him. We were all (MIL, FIL, GIL, me, and H) at dinner. H was talking to me about something my mom said to him, and I was telling him what I thought she might say he needed to do next. GIL pipes up, rudely, and says "You only need to listen to YOUR MOTHER'S advice." Okay, thanks? At this point, I'm growing a little weak of her bullsh!t, and say "Oh, sorry, I'll shut up." She didn't respond. Neither did MIL. Nice.
- Third most recent. She came down last month. Several times over her past few visits, she has been chastising me about my job...and literally asking three or FOUR times every time I saw her (which was about 3 times a week) "Do you have a job yet?" EACH TIME, I would tell her the same thing, "Yes, my neighbor owns his own business and I am his accountant." She started asking so often, that I stupidly (and genuinely) became concerned that she might be in the starting phases of Altzheimer's...my own grandmother has it, and she acted the same way. I'm a bit bitter toward myself for letting GIL fool me with her 'dumb old lady' acts, enough that I thought she might be getting a serious disease. Anyway, GIL only asks me this question over and over because she wants me to 'work more.' That or get a job she would approve of. Sorry, but I am a full time college student, and I either succeed in class or succeed in a job...I can't do both. I would rather succeed in class now so that I can have a steady and well-paying career. Excuse the sh!t out of me, GIL.
- Second most recent. On her last night here, she invites herself over to mine and H's house for dinner (literally, says--more than once in the same evening--"When are you going to cook me dinner? I want to come over this Tuesday.")...dinner that we have to make for a party of 7 people, because she takes it upon herself to invite the entire FL family. Thanks a lot. We had lived in our house for less than a month, and had to go buy something around $100 of groceries to make enough lasagna to feed everyone. She then has the nerve to ask me, after they all arrive (30 minutes late!) "Aren't you gonna cook?" Everything was in the oven, or already on the table. And, might I add, she perused around the kitchen looking IN the oven and ON the table before she asked me...as if to point out that I was sitting down (I had just found out I was preg so I was a little tired, but she didn't know) and being 'lazy.' What else can I do?! Sit in the oven and watch it broil?! And no one, not even my SIL, says "It's already cooking/done." No one tries to help me out with this lady, ever, not even my H because he is never around when she acts like this. Sigh. On this same night, we go outside because GIL smokes and can't hold off for the hour they're at our house. She tells us that we 'need' a porch set and umbrella. I told her we can't afford it. She says "If you had a job you could (smile)." Excuse me?! I can't take anymore, and say "Like I've told you three times a day, every day, since you've gotten here: I HAVE A JOB." She ignores me and continues to smile while she smokes.
- MOST RECENTLY. And the most unforgivable, to me. H and I announce that we are preggo! We are so happy, and so are his mom, dad, bro, and SIL. MIL tells us 'call everyone' so we do. We get to GIL, who SERIOUSLY goes "Oh, that's great..." asks about the WEATHER down here, and then says "Is that all?" Is. That. All? I could strangle this woman. H was like "Uh, yeah I guess? We can't wait!" And GIL is all "Okay, bye." Doesn't even acknowledge his 'we can't wait.' They were on the phone for ALMOST two minutes...almost. He was shocked (probably because his other grandmother had burst into happy tears, and this one was so...indifferent). I was more like "You seriously expected more from her? She hates me, and now I'm having your baby." Poor H...I wish he had thicker skin. He is pretty mad at her now that the initial 'sadness' on his part has passed, and is starting to realize she is a hurtful b!tch.
That's the gist of it all. I know it's super long, but I had to include the examples. How am I supposed to continue to deal with this weird, manipulative woman?! She does not do this to SIL, or ANYONE else. I have gotten a few sweet moments of revenge, but they are few and far between, and they seem to have no affect on her. What would you ladies do? Or do you have any advice for me? I truly have never tried to be anything but nice to this woman until she started ripping on me incessantly, and for no reason other than she just wants to be mean. Should I ignore her, or keep trying to make things work? I wonder if it all boils down to her thinking I'm not good enough for H?
Re: Grandmother in-law issues, fun times. Long, long.
This made me laugh, and yet you are so right. I really try not to, but I always think I would come across as extremely b!tchy if I didn't once go to my in-laws for the entire month my GIL comes down. I guess, at this point, I shouldn't really care...everyone knows how she treats me.
My gut reaction is at least she's a grandparent.. she'll do what grandparents do kick the bucket.
From what I read she doesn't live near you, be thankful for that and let your Husband deal with her whenever she is around. I would just ignore her when she is around. She isn't worth your time she'll always be an unhappy negative person that gets her happiness ticking you off.
Will do. I had been around her whenever because I thought I could try and make it work, but it's obvious that it's a total lost cause. The baby thing was just unforgivable in my eyes.
Why the hell hasn't your husband said, "Grandma, knock off the crap and treat my wife with some respect" to her?
Also, she can't "invite herself over." She calls and says she's coming over, or she shows up at the door, and your husband replies, "Sorry but today doesn't work for us" or more appropriately, "I'm not letting you into my house because you treat my wife like crap" and then hangs up the phone or shuts the door in her face.
Stop worrying about offending someone who doesn't give a flying fucck about offending YOU. Either ignore her completely and stop spending time with her (and like a PP said, she won't be around forever), or stand up to her and tell her to cut the crap. Or get a husband who'll actually back you up instead of letting a little old lady treat you like dirt.
Here are your choices
stop calling/spending time with her or continue to do so and allow her to treat you like crap.
you are worried about being bitchy? really? maybe if you had put her in her place 5 years ago this wouldnt be happening now.
AND where is darling H while all these comments are flying? how nice of him to allow them to treat you this way. is he going to allow her to treat his child like this too?
Frankly, I think you're overreacting. I have relatives that are STUCK in their ways, doesn't matter how much they do or do not like you! Plus, you add age to that, and one often doesn't even care! It may or may not have anything to do with you, but that's irrelevent. as an outsider, it obviously gets under your skin, which probably exacerbates the "fun" for her! (guessing of course a motivation, which is all anyone can do).
As for her not treating the SIL, MIL, whomever that way, how do you know? Are you always around all of them? Also, perhaps they've just learned to ignore it, hence taking the fun away...
All speculation, but things to think about
Does she treat anyone else like this ( especially others married into the family)? If not than you can't say that she has dementia or Alzheimers.
Seriously, stop spending time with her at all. If his family doesn't like it, oh well, that is their own damn faults for tolerating and excusing this behavior for so long.
It was just SIL, and yes I am around SIL and MIL quite a bit when GIL is in FL...SIL I'm around a lot regardless. SIL has told me numerous times that our GIL doesn't treat her like that...trust me, I am not overreacting. I would agree with you thinking that if it had only happened once, but it has been going on for years and it's not just me mistaking her 'forgetfulness' or 'set ways' anymore...she does it on purpose. Now, I DO think I overreact with my MIL, but we tend to butt heads, so it makes me angry. With GIL, I am more confused and mystified by her behavior...not so much 'angry' at all...tired of it? Yes.
And I agree that me showing her that her rudeness bothers me adds to the fun for her...she always has this crazy-lady smile on her face when I respond to her/defend myself. But my SIL says this GIL has been nothing but nice to her...so she doesn't have to ignore anything. But my SIL is also a giant pushover, and is really defensive of that family even when I have seen them treat her badly (MIL & FIL), so who knows if she is just passing off that GIL treats her nicely. She has always said she is nice to her, and I have never seen her treat SIL badly, so I can only believe what she says. I have seen MIL & FIL be rude to her though, like they are with me...they just don't do it to her as often.
Again, I see where you're coming from, but I definitely do not think I'm overreacting...trust me when I say she has issues with me personally. If it had just been a scant few times, I would question if I were freaking out over nothing...but it has happened dozens of times, and she is getting worse with it...to the point where we don't go up north anymore (it's been like 3 years). But, she still comes here, which makes me want to 'work it out.' I am so done trying though!
No, she doesn't. I felt like an idiot for even being concerned that she might have Alzheimers, because it's such a serious disease and I'm devastated that my own grandmother suffers from it. But really, I TRULY considered it...that's how repetitive she was in each sitting with the 'Do you have a job?/When are you going to get a job?' inquiries.
And you are right on...the more advice I get here, the more confident I feel in cutting her off completely.
ok ill ask again...
AND where is darling H while all these comments are flying? how nice of him to allow them to treat you this way. is he going to allow her to treat his child like this too?
You know if you absolutely must spend time with her, have you tried just smiling and rolling your eyes at her? Try your best to just laugh her off or give her the " ok you're a crazy person" look. Let her know that what she says doesn't bother you and you just think she is a crazy old kook.
Stop wearing the "kick me" sign. Seriously - you're pg, and you're walking outside to talk to her while she smokes? Put your baby first, if you can't take care of yourself!
I would be "busy," or "too tired" to cook the next time she is around, but say to your H in front of GIL "hon, your grandma wants to come over on Tuesday. Are you up for cooking? B/c by the end of the day I can't handle it." If she calls you lazy, so what? Last time I checked, you don't need a vagina to cook or host a meal.
if you really feel like you have to continue to speak with her, and I don't see why you should, start acting deliberately obtuse. Treat her like you would an old lady with dementia. Speak veeeeeeeerrrrryyyyy slowly and VERY LOUDLY to her, like you think she can't hear or understand well. Example:
Grandma: "You should get a job, you."
You: "OH GRANDMA. DON"T YOU REMEMBER? I HAVE A JOB. I HELP A COMPANY KEEP TRACK OF THEIR MONEY. THEY CALL ME AN ACCOUNTANT. " Nod vigorously while you talk to her, and have a vacuous 'helpmeshedoesnotknowwhoIam" smile on your face while you do this. Then when she starts to speak again, interrupt and say "IT"S OK GRANDMA. I KNOW YOU DON"T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND THINGS BUT WE STILL LOVE YOU". Pat her arm unctuously. When she starts to speak again, interrupt and say to the person next to you, in a false, loud whisper, "I THINK I SHOULD LEAVE, SHE"S GETTING UPSET AGAIN" then turn to Grandma and say "GRANDMA I"M GOING TO THE KITCHEN NOW. I"LL COME BACK LATER WHEN YOU"RE FEELING BETTER". Walk away, shaking your head and looking sadly understanding of her mental frailties.
Wash, rinse, repeat. The old bat will eventually leave you the hell alone.
I say this gently, but I find your attention to grandma really amusing. I know it's the last thing you want to hear, but you are making her so much more important than she is - and she loves it!
You are young, in love, at the onset of your relationship, married, recently educated, emplyed and about to be a new mom! You are IT. You are the new heart and soul of this family. You are fresh and new and vibrant and all things hopeful and wonderful. She is the old heart, the soon-to-be-dead soul - and knows it. Saddly.
It's not that she doesn't like you .. she was you. And now she's not.
Just pat her head, and smile and move on with your wonderful life. She really doesn't matter. Sadly.
Oh this is goooooood, good stuff Sue_sue. Very good. Well done.
I was trying to think of how to say this, but Sue_Sue is light years beyond anything I could come up with. I wouldn't have thought to use the word "unctuously".
Did this question ever get answered?
I think you give this woman way too much power in your life, to be honest. The porch furniture comment? First, why were you out there? And 2nd, when she said you needed furniture, why 'explain' that you can't afford it? Just say "Oh, that's a great idea." and leave it at that.
You're trying too hard to rationalize w/ her and it's obvious she isn't interested. I think she's playing w/ you and enjoying every moment of it.
I'll also add - what is so unforgiveable about what she said when you announced your pregnancy? What did you REALLY expect from her? You know how she is- is how she reacted REALLY a surprise? And past that - it's also a simple fact that not everyone is going to jump for joy at baby announcements.
You've got to start working with who she is, not who you WISH she was. If you could do this, i think you'd find that a lot of what she does is more laughable than annoying. TAKE that power away from her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
you know why she sat thre smiling? because she got to you. STOP PLAYING INTO HER TRAPS!!! how do you not see it? why do you keep explaining, rationalizing etc....?enough already. next time she makes a job comment-ignore her. patio furniture? 'thanks great idea' and then go inside. as for the baby comment-it's just like a wedding-no one is as excited as you. look-i'm always happy for parents to be but frankly-i'm never really super excited about it. dh adn i dont want kids, never have. that dosen't mean we dont love kids-we do, but expecting for everyone to be SO excited and jump for joy is unrealistic. if you're under the impression that everyone will be as excited as you are you're mistaken-i also wonder why you expected a different response from her seeing how she is?
WHERE IS DH ON THIS!?!?!? WHY HASNT HE SAID SOMETHING TO HER?!!?
I didn't read all the responses but here's what I would do:
I would have responses at the ready and depending on the question and my mood is which she'd get:
"When you die!"
"Why do you ask?"
"I/we don't want to."
"None of your business."
"Crack whores get no say."
Wait until you are alone with her, whisper in her ear, "Old woman, your time is coming and I'll make it look like a natural death" and then walk away.
lol
Seriously? Ignore that old crotch. When she tries to talk to you, walk away. If she asks you something, ignore her and change the subject. Or , go with my first suggestion.
All of this!
My SIL is the same way. (She's married to my husband's brother.) Right now DH and I decided we need our space from her & her husband, and DH's parents. (They go along with everything SIL does, they favor BIL more than my husband
), and are just going to see how it goes with having them in our lives less.
My advice is to stop inviting her around, and stop calling. Maybe she'll realize then that you mean business, and if she wants to see her great-granddaughter, she has to be nicer to you.