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My dad passed away yesterday :'(
And I thought the last 2 months have been hard.....
(Older posts: http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/56026081.aspx
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/56323679.aspx )
My emotions are all over the place right now. I know its supposed to be like that but its still beyond difficult. As much as you try to prepare yourself for something like this its impossible. I expected this eventually, just not so soon.
After getting my dad settled in to the retirement home for physical therapy I headed back home last Monday. He seemed very optimistic and really liked where he was staying which made me feel even more at ease with leaving. I wasn't home 12 hours before my mom called telling me he was being taken to the ER for respiratory distress. He was admitted to the hospital and stayed there most of the week. I never really got much information about his condition, just that he had pnemonia and some elevated liver enzymes. Decided to have Hospice evaluate him and they explained it was better for him to be in their care. So off he went.
He got to Hospice house on Friday afternoon. I flew in on Monday morning and never left. He was able to talk a bit up until that day. The only way he could communicate was by blinking and trying to look at the person talking to him. Thankfully he was very aware that I was there. I stayed the night w/ him and so did my mom. Its so precious to have us all 3 together after all the differences between my parents as I was growing up. My dad has always considered my mom the love of his life and I know it meant the world to him having her there.
My dad passed early yesterday afternoon. Very peaceful and I'm so thankful for that. I hated to see him struggle. He had friends and family with him. My mom was right next to him stroking his head and I was sitting beside him on the bed holding his hand in my lap. I can't imagine my dad wanting it any other way. In his last moment, his family was together.
I keep thinking that the moment my dad realized I was headed back to my life he decided to give up. Not in a bad way I think. More so like he was fighting as hard as he was for me. Its sad and sort of comforting at the same time. I just made sure to tell him how much I loved him and that I'm just as protective of his feelings as he is mine, and that he raised a good kid that would be ok.
I still keep randomly crying, doing so right now. But I'm also in the anger stage. My dad was the kindest man and a hard worker. He spent his entire life just trying to keep afloat while taking care of people. He retired 2 years ago, and with a pay raise. He was so looking forward to time for just him and not worrying about how the bills would be paid. He spent the first 1 1/2 years taking care of my grandparents and the last 6 months being to weak to do anything. He deserved a break more than anybody else I know. Its just not fair no matter how you look at it.
Thank you to everyone that has helped with kind words, reassurace and the occasional reality check as I've posted here. You all are great. Its been very refreshing to have a place to lay my feelings out there and not be judged. I seriously can't say thank you enough.
And next time you see your parents, give them an extra long squeeze 
Re: My dad passed away yesterday :'(
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My father passed in a similar way 4.5 years ago, what you are feeling is 100% normal. I still randomly cry (like when I just read this post), but that's ok.
*hugs*
Im so happy that you had those last 2 days with him, and Im happy that your mom was with the 2 of you as well. Those thoughts will help you get through this loss. You will be crying randomly for a while, but that is ok it is normal just let it out.
I'm so sorry.
I lurk here, but I've been following your story. And I've cried over your posts.
I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you were able to be there for him. Your strength in this tough situation has been so inspiring.
Lots of thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Be sure to take care of you.