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I am so tired of this
My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We have been together for five years now. He's nearly 15 years older than me. During our time together, I've done everything I can to advance my career so that there is not such a big discrepancy between our incomes as he earns more than double what I do. I've reached the conclusion that the only way for me to really make progress on this front is to acquire and MBA from a top 20 school.
He's been resistant to this because of his deep-seated fear of debt, but I'm at my limit. I'm actually beyond it, I am sick to death of being stuck in a dead end job in a company where people are afraid of their own shadow. He and I talked about it and he promised to support me in going to a top-tier business school.
I took the GMAT earlier this year and did really really well. I'm applying to schools this fall, but every time the subject comes up, he comes up with a laundry list of why bschool is a bad idea and spells the death of our relationship. I cannot take this anymore. I can't deal with this job, and I'm at the point where I need to make a big change. With the economy the way it is, I don't see myself getting a lateral or step-up job and taking a step-down is counter-productive for me. He promised to support me, but apparently his idea of support is to denigrate my efforts and tell me that it is costing him the opportunity to have kids, and will potentially destroy our marriage as we may need to live apart.
I cannot deal with this.
Re: I am so tired of this
This stinks on ice:
He promised to support me, but apparently his idea of support is to denigrate my efforts and tell me that it is costing him the opportunity to have kids, and will potentially destroy our marriage as we may need to live apart.
He is not supporting you when it comes to your dream. Bad news is what that is.
He's also pretty much reneging on a promise he made to you. That is worse news and wow, what a character flaw that is, breaking a promise to a wife.
There's also a problem with money and equal footing and seeing yourselves as equals in that area. Your money + his money is now supposed to be OUR money; he won't see it that way and you're having trouble seeing it that way.
This leaves you in a difficult spot. Even if you decide not to go back to school, the problem with his views about you and what kind of dream you want to pursue will still be there; so will his issue of breaking promises to you.
He sounds like a real prize. You have my sympathies.
Ditto Tarpon. This isn't really about school, this is about him not supporting you.
Can I be so crass as to ask how old you were when you met him, since he is 15 years older than you?
Why does it absolutely have to be a top 20 school?
Also, why do you feel the need to close the gap in your salaries so much? Are you really struggling financially? Does he put you down because you make less than him? Or do you want to do this for your own sense of self-worth? It seems like you're more focused on the salary than on the happiness that a new job would bring you. Do you NEED a larger salary or do you WANT a larger salary?
It sounds like he wants to support you going to school, but it sounds like you are intent on going to specific schools that are far away from home and cost a lot, and that's his main gripe. Can't you compromise and find something closer to home and a bit more affordable?
I get wanting a more fulfilling job but it seems like your main focus here is the money and the prestige that a top 20 school will bring you. It seems like he's willing to support you in furthering your career, but that he's not enthusiastic about changing your entire living arrangement and financial situation for you to go to a top 20 school.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it doesn't seem like he's just completely shiitting on your dreams here - he's just asking you not to turn both your lives upside down in order to get there. Is he saying that you attending these specific schools would be a bad idea, or that you going back to school in general is a bad idea? If you were to say that you were applying to some more affordable, local schools, would that change his tune? If so, he's probably just worried about the distance and money ... if not, then he's not supportive of your desires.
So get pregnant, quit your job, stay at home and then he will be footing the bill for everything. I just don't understand how you or anybody going to school is a bad thing.
Sorry normally I wouldn't suggest something like that but good grief that was my gut reaction.
Is a top 20 school necessary? Can you just go to school and get your MBA saving the money and keeping you living together?
Besides the point. The issue here is he won't support her in her dream. And that there's some kind of resentment issue also, on his part. He's also a jealousE little sh!t, to boot.
I wanted to respond to this because my DH got his MBA at a top 20 school going full time. Your husband is partially right. This may require him to quit his job and move with you or for you two to live apart. It absolutely will put a hold on starting a family, and for him being 15 years older he probably is feeling the pressure.
From the other point of view my husband doubled his salary which was already not bad. He made an amazing network, and loves his job but his job is pretty high stress.
School was also extremely stressful the first semester is a crazy adjustment, then its the stress of landing an internship and then the following year the stress of getting a full time job offer. Once you get the job offer then you can finally relax
If you are going to do this then you both need to be on the same page. Go ahead and apply- don't let him stand in your way, but when you make your decision take him into consideration and make the decision jointly. If there any top schools that are closer by? Also I know the part time programs are not considered to be as good, but they might be good enough to get you what you want, especially at a top school.
My opinion is going to be a bit different to the others, but it's my opinion.
I really have to wonder why it's so important to you to compare what you earn to what he earns. A marriage isn't going to be 50/50 in every category - sometimes you just have to adjust. To me, it sounds like your sense of self-worth is such that you believe the only thing that will make you feel worthwhile will be an MBA from a top 20 school. But here's the thing about self-worth - if you don't fix what's causing it, you'll continue to have it. For whatever reason, you feel you're not "as good as" your husband (my guess it's rooted to the age difference and might have something to do with your feeling like your husband's "child" or some such - just a guess) and you feel the need to risk your marriage (this is what you're doing, and you know it!) in order to fix it.
Yes, read that last sentence again. Now tell me if it sounds ridiculous.
Marriage isn't about achievements and unconditional support. It's about compromise and working together, as a team, to obtain your shared goals.
To me, this reads like all about me, me, me (you, you, you), and not the two of you as a couple. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it almost sounds like you want a divorce. If you do, well... that's your call. But if you want to keep your marriage, it's time for a serious Sit Down.
Look, I'm not saying that your husband doesn't sound like an assh0le - because he does. But the above sentence is something to keep in mind as well. It doesn't sound like you care about what he thinks/wants any more than he cares what you want..........that's not a good place for a marriage to be.
I also got a weird vibe from OP that she needed to earn as much money as him to be an equal in the relationship, which raises a huge red flag for me.
I agree with what you're saying, but I don't think the husband necessarily sounds like an assh0le here. I want to know his reasoning behind not supporting the business school idea.
If OP wants to go to an expensive school in another area *just* because it's prestigious and when there are perfectly good state schools nearby, or the tuition at her dream schools are more than they can afford, or if they can't get by on just the husband's salary ... then he's got a point. I want to support my spouse's dreams too, but I would not be on board if he announced that he simply had to attend a $100k/year school in California just for the prestige. I want him to be happy, but I'm not uprooting our lives or emptying our bank account when there are more practical options available to us. That's not me being an unsupportive jerkhat.
I'm just not getting the vibe here that OP's husband is refusing to support her plan to go to business school simply because he wants her at home making his babies. OP, please correct me if I'm wrong.
It seems to me that you are running away from your problems, and taking on over $100K of debt isn't the way to go about it.
Your sick of your company and your job, the economy is down, you want "a big change," and you think that going to business school (a top20 school, no less) is going to magically solve all of your problems. Also, you're angry that your H, with 15 years more experience than you have, makes more money than you.
I went to a top tier business school, and while I value my education, there are people who are CEOs and VPs who made a heckuva lot more than I did with an MBA from the state university. Often, if you aren't planning to move out of state, an MBA from your stateU or a top local school will do fine. And many times, you can acquire those MBAs part-time. With your H's salary, you won't qualify for aid or possibly even low-cost loans, you may have to live apart, and if you plunk down $100K for that education, then decide that "you're sick of your job, you just want to be a full-time mother" - what then? Is your H supposed to pay the bills?
You can't deal with your husband, your marriage, or your career. The common denominator with all of that is YOU. Have you thought of seeking counseling and perhaps medication? Or of growing up a little?
I"m all for supporting your spouse with your goals, but HE probably has goals, too! You need to sit down with him and be willing to talk about your goals and dreams, AS WELL AS his.
Getting fit for IVF!
Honestly, I'd have an issue with my husband deciding that he needed to go to a top-tier school right now. It isn't that I wouldn't want him to follow his dreams or advance in his career, but I wouldn't want to shell out the money. There is a pretty big price tag attached to an MBA from a top-tier school. And really, I don't know that there will be that great of a return-on-investment. An MBA is pretty general. Maybe if you were doing something more specific...
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
This was the only way he felt that full-time b-school would be worth the expense. I need to bolster my quant skill set and my pedigree to land the kind of job that I want - corporate strategy. I am currently working in an industry where my bachelor's doesn't apply and I've hit an advancement ceiling - the feedback within my company is that the roles above me require an MBA. I know from past experience in trying to juggle work and studying that pursuing one part-time while working is not something that I can do - I simply don't have the stamina and it's not how I learn best.
I've previously worked in M&A and would like to go back, but with the flood of people in the job market right now with a finance background from pedigreed schools and companies, someone like me who doesn't have a bulge bracket bank or an Ivy League school on their resume doesn't have the best shot at getting the kind of roles that would lead longer term into one of these careers.
To clarify, I live in Boston. There's a lot of pedigreed resumes here. The schools I am looking at are in major cities (New York, Boston, Chicago). Both Harvard and MIT are here, but both are exceptionally difficult to get into. I've focused my applications on schools that have the programs that are in major cities with decent markets for the type of work that he does. He doesn't seem to want to even try to look at jobs in markets beyond Boston.
He doesn't seem to want to even try to look at jobs in markets beyond Boston.
So it seems like this is the main problem, right? Not that he's telling you that you shouldn't go to business school at all, but that he doesn't want to pick up and move away from Boston (or have a long-distance marriage with him staying in Boston and you moving away for school).
I really can't say that I blame him. Expecting him to just start a life in a new city, and find a new job (nevermind a job that needs to support both of you while you go to school) in a crappy economy, is asking a LOT of him. It's more than just supporting your dreams of a better career ... it's asking him to change his entire life so that you can get what you want. And an Ivy League degree is still not a solid guarantee that you'll find a better-paying job.
Did you talk about children before you got married? If you had planned on starting a family at a certain point, and now all of a sudden you want to put that plan on hold (or change it entirely) and move to another metro area, I can also see why he's upset at that.
I'm not in the business industry, but I'm honestly having a very hard time believing that the lack of an Ivy League diploma is the only thing standing in your way of a better career. And I also don't believe that the only suitable universities in your area are Harvard and MIT. What about BC, BU, UMass, Hult, Northeastern? Those are pretty damn prestigious.
I don't think he's the one who's being unreasonable here. If you were single, I'd say that you should go for it if you had such a specific dream. But you're married, and your very specific and detailed plan would require him to turn his entire life upside down for you. I'm not saying to give up on all your dreams, but you have to compromise a little here, and it doesn't really seem like you're willing to do that. If your career and education is truly the most important thing in your world, then that's fine, but it's not fair to say that your husband is not supportive for not wanting to leave Boston or have a long-distance marriage so you can achieve it. Especially since there are other options available to you if you'll just be a bit more flexible.
If you are really intent on an Ivy League school and nothing else, then you may need to rethink your priorities in terms of your marriage and your career.
I really hope that someone who is 15 years older than me is making more money than I am or what the hell am I working towards? My husband is 4 years older than I am, we graduated college at the same time but he has way more experience than I do and landed manger jobs right away. While I made more than him in college, he has made more than me since college.
While I agree that there are probably some deeper issues that need to be addressed in your marriage, going back to school takes a lot out of a relationship (not just financially but mentally as well) and if you're both not OK with it then it is an issue that YOU BOTH need to discuss. Maybe now is not the best time for you or maybe you can take one class a semester while still working full-time.
I did not make the decision that it is not worthwhile to pursue an MBA fulltime outside of a top 20 school independently. The cost-benefit analysis doesn't make sense. He raised this point, and I agreed.
As I mentioned in my original post, my intention is to apply this fall - which means I have not gotten into a school yet. For him to rule out a job search no knowing which of the schools we together determined to be acceptable is completely unreasonable to me.
The 24 above is a response to how old I was. I had just changed industries into financial services and was working in an investment management firm. This was, of course, pre-market crash.
This is pretty much where I'm at too. I guess I'm in the minority here but I don't see why the H is such an unsupportive, jerk here. It seems like you are only wanting to do this so you can have equal salaries. Why is that so important to you? Also, why does it have to be a top 20 school? Is the local university not good enough? I agree somewhat with your husband here, a top tier school will put you guys in a lot of debt and it seems silly when the main reason is so you can earn as much as he does. Not to mention, with the economy the way it is, what if you can't get a different or higher paying job once you get out? How will you feel then paying out all that money and still not having anything change?
This can't be your only option to have a fulfilling job. I'm sure there's got to be a way you could compromise so you could go back to school and end up with a job you were happier at without uprooting your lives and going majorly into debt at a top 20 school.
Okay, first off, you're superyoung to be worrying about your salary in comparison to your husband's. Your husband is 39 (or so, right?) and has a lot of years of experience in his field, whereas you have, considering you have a BA, at most 3 or so. That's not comparable - totally apples to oranges.
Secondly, I said it before and I'll say it again - marriage is about compromise and shared goals, not, "I want this and that and you better help me get this and that or else I'll say you're not supporting me!!". That is a childish, immature attitude and won't help you at all in your marriage or in life in general.
If things were reversed - if he wanted to go to school in another state (assuming that's where you get accepted) and you were perfectly happy in your job and life where you were, how would you react? How would you feel? In my marriage, "no" is the determining vote in any issue we can't resolve with good-old common sense and compromise. Change has to be mutually agreed upon or it's unfair to the other member of the couple, and subsequently, to the couple as a whole.
As I mentioned in my original post, my intention is to apply this fall - which means I have not gotten into a school yet. For him to rule out a job search no knowing which of the schools we together determined to be acceptable is completely unreasonable to me.
So, you're pissed that he's not running a job seach in every single city you're considering applying to in a few months?
You sound really selfish here, honestly. And very naive to think that anything less than a top 20 school is unacceptable. I don't blame him for not falling all over himself to do what you want, because you sound like you're banking your entire future on a pipe dream.
Does no one in the last few posts consider job fufillment important? As far as salary disparity et all, we have separate finances, and I do feel that his expectations in our finances are unrealistic.
My husband is extremely debt averse, the only debt he carries is the mortgages on his two properties.- One of which is our condo - which I pay half the mortgage for, although my name is not on the deed, and the other is for a rental property that more than covers mortgage, fees and upkeep. He is financially rock solid, where I am secure with a prime credit rating, although not nearly as solid as he is.
Again - the top 20 thing is not me deciding that only one of these schools will do. This is a joint decision that the cost-benefit to us doesn't make sense for full-time for a less prestigious school and I can't do part time. I tend to immerse myself in the work that I do and can't juggle school and work. Some people can, more power to them, but for the distance I need to cover in terms of skill set and the job that I have, this is not feasible.
I get the feeling that some of you stopped reading/analyzing after the top 20 thing. I hope that I am wrong.
mbcdefg -
No. I am not pissed that he's not currently running a job search. I think his black and white "I won't do this that or the other" is a little premature given that there's no guarantee that I will get into any of these schools (or conversely that I won't get into Harvard or MIT).
I was 24 when I met him. I am 29 now. I manage a team of analysts 5 total. I'm tired, underchallenged and overworked.
My husband is an IT contractor. The salaries and the industries are not comparable. I know this.
Is there a cultural thing going on here as well? I know in some cultures/religions this type of age disparity, gender expectations and aversion to debt are fairly common and your pic leads me to believe that could be part of what is going on here.
For DH to get a prestigious job in the field he works in, I would have to leave my dream job, which is not prestigious, and probably take the bar in another state. he knows I would prefer not to do this but the option is on the table. So I can get where your H is coming from,e specially since you all live in Boston with prestigious schools and where you already own property. If he has a job he likes added into the mix, those are hard things to give up for him individually but also for you both as a couple. But, the conversation should be out there and should involve willingness to compromise. For example, preference is to stay in Boston and perhaps you'd go to a lower ranked school to do so, but want to have the option to apply to schools in other cities and for attending those schools to be on the table.
As someone who went to a T10 law school, I can tell you hands down the cost benefit analysis is not what a lot of people think it is going into it. My job prospects were not $100,000 better than they would have been had I gone to a top 40 school instead. I do think people get swept up in the prestige of a good school and then feel cheated when they graduate and it really wasn't worth the $
He dislikes his job and is bored. His concern and he makes this point repeatedly is salary. Not content of work, not hours, just salary.
I'm not actually asking him to relocate. I'm asking him to consider it. I am comfortable travelling back and forth to Chicago or New York if he chooses to stay in Boston and his work allows him the flexibility to work remotely
I don't think anyone here is telling you not to try and advance you career. More education is never a bad thing.
But speaking for myself, I'm telling you that you're probably making this business school idea a thousand times more complicated than it needs to be, and that's probably what's making your husband reluctant to support you in this endeavour. You're angry at your husband for not being flexible, but it doesn't seem like you're being very flexible either. And you're making an AWFUL lot of assumptions here ... that you will be accepted to a top 20 school, that if your husband went with you he'd keep his job and telecommute or find a new one in your new area, that you'd be able to pay for this top 20 school's tuition, that you'd finish your degree there, and that you'll easily be able to get a job and move up in your field once you have that degree. You're basing the future of your family on assumptions.
With your further explanation, it seems like you mentioned the idea a while ago of applying to top 20 business schools around the country and he was on board with the idea, in theory. But now that you actually want to take the steps to do it, he's backing out of the plan. Is that right?
If so ... yeah, I can see why you're peeved. You thought you had a plan in place and now he's not holding up his end of the deal. Maybe he just agreed with you to appease you because he never thought you'd do it ... that doesn't make it right on his part. Still, now that this is a real possiblity for your marriage, maybe he's actually thinking about the plan and seeing that it's really impractical.
I understand the desire to go to a top 20 school and no BU/BC/Northeastern don't compare to HBS/Sloan, especially for the industry I believe you want to get into. Many people don't get it but unfortunately MBAs are not all the same.
I say you guys need to continue to talk about this. I understand your husband not wanting to move, but I really think he needs to be supportive in this situation. I don't think you should be comparing your salary to his though, especially since he's had much more time to gain experience and improve his salary. That should not be your motivation at all. Are your separate finances are making you feel somewhat inferrior? Is that something that needs to be talked about?