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MIL Visiting -- Help
First off, thank you for reading this post -- I'd greatly appreciate any replies or advice from any of you seasoned members!!!
Here's my problem: my DH just told me that his parents are going to visit us sometime in September (couldn't get a more exact date or time frame from him) and I'm freaking out!
My MIL has done everything in her power to make it clear to me that she does not approve of my relationship or me in general. She flat out told my DH that it's me or her! When he told me that, I was incredibly hurt and told him that I would never ask him to make that choice -- he said he'd already made it. He didn't talk to his mom for almost a year.
Even though I truly appreciate what my DH did for me, I don't think that anyone should be completely severed from their family. I encouraged him to "reopen" the door to his mom... and now she's going to drive 400+ miles to come visit us... yay
I want her visit to be as painless as possible, and maybe even hope for pleasant (fingers crossed), but quite frankly I'm screwed. Here's why:
1. My DH-- while trying to brag about how well we're doing-- told his mom that we have a spare room for them. We do have a second room... but it's filled with office furniture because we both occasionally work from home. We have a metal futon in that room... not a guest bed... it's hardly comfortable quarters.
2. We live in the city. This may not sound like a problem, but my MIL is a border-line closet case. She doesn't even leave her home in the country unless she has to! She takes anti-anxiety pills everytime she and my FIL have to drive in traffic... so she's undoubtedly going to be even more high-strung and irritable for the duration of her stay.
3. She's bringing her dogs... little bull terriers which happen to be banned in our housing complex. Beyond that, there are three and they're all feral. We live in a town house with no yard... I don't even know how to approach this problem, but I know that asking her not to bring them will cause another fight-- she never goes anywhere without her "kids"
4. My DH will most likely be working out of town. He works 12-16 hour days, and sometimes has to stay out of town with little notice... so I will potentially be running this show solo.
5. My MIL has a new suspected ailment or food allergy at least once a week. In other words, there's no way for me to stock up on groceries in preparation for their visit, and cooking for them could be a problem.
6. Entertainment? I want to take them out and show them the sites, maybe take them to an art festival (my MIL used to own an art store, and teach classes), but without knowing when they're coming it's almost impossible to arrange. Plus, given her "fear of people" it may not be the best idea... not that having her barricaded in my house is a better one.
If anyone has any advice or suggestions please share them with me!!! I would REALLY appreciate it.
Thank you.
Re: MIL Visiting -- Help
I'm assuming you did this because she apologized to you for treating you so horribly?
Ok, I stopped when I got to #4. Tell him to schedule this visit when he is available to entertain his mother. This should not be your responsibility.
As for the other points:
1. Guess your DH will have to clean up the room so it's ready for guests. And they'll have to stay on the futon.
2. Not your problem. Your DH should be entertaining her most of the time, and you should not take off work that week so you see her as little as possible.
3. Your DH tells her the dogs are not allowed in your apartment, so she either leaves them at home or boards them in your city.
5. Stock up on normal groceries as you would for any guest, and let your DH take care of accomodating her changing allergies.
6. Once again, this is for your DH to handle.
My suggestion- reschedule their visit for a time when DH can take off. It's absolutely ridiculous to plan this at a time when he'll be working and you may very well be 100% left to deal with them on your own.
As for staying with you- your DH needs to call them back and say "When I offered our spare room, I wasn't thinking about the dogs. Unfortunately, dogs aren't allowed in our complex. I can look around for a hotel that allows animals, though."
Then it puts in on them- they either leave their dogs at home and stay w/ you, or they bring the dogs and stay in a hotel.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not exactly... but I didn't want my DH to have to sacrifice a relationship with his mom on account of me.
hahaha are you fing kidding me? he wants his mother who has treated you horribly to stay in your town house with her dogs (banned in community) while he's out of town so you can entertain her?
did you ask him if he was drunk when he suggested this? i hope he was drunk.
what a STUPID idea!!!
Why? SHE TREATS YOU BADLY. And it was his choice to cut her off when she did so (bravo to him).
It wasn't "on account of [you]." It was because his mother is a mean old selfish biitch. Unless you're leaving out a gigantic part of the story here, you've done nothing wrong. If she can't let go of her baby boy for another woman then that's not your problem.
Get some self-confidence, for Pete's sake, and stop letting MIL and your H walk all over you. Stand up for yourself and stop letting them push you around.
sounds like a mess...biggest thing...she's making the visit to see her son, not you (no offense)...the visit should be postponed until he has off or at the very least only has to work a normal work day.
I would tell her (well your DH) that you have a futon in spare bedroom and ask if she would be comfortable there or can you help them research hotels
The dogs, I think you can deal with. I would tell her the complex doesn't allow them and ask her to be discreet. I lived in apt that didn't allow them and when I had to watch my parents dog, I made sure I told every neighbor I saw that my dad was in the hospital and it was temporary.
He sacrificed his relationship with her on account of her, not on account of you. He did the right thing by cutting her out of his life. There was absolutely no reason to let her back in without an apology and a change in behavior. No one has to maintain a relationship with a jerk just because he or she is family.
Why did he invite his parents to come stay with you when he knew he would be too busy with work to properly host them? And why did he arrange all of this without consulting you? This is all extremely disrespectful, and that this isn't obvious to him is a big red flag.
I would tell him that the visit will have to be rescheduled for a time when you will both be around to get the house ready and actually spend time with his parents, that he will bear the majority of the responsibility for having them there, that they will have to stay in a hotel if they don't want to sleep on a futon, that they will have to make other arrangements for their dogs, and that if his mom is not polite to you he will make them leave.
All of this. What in the hell was he thinking, and what in the hell were you thinking in not giving him a hearty hell no to all of this?!
Between this and your response in the bratty-sister-who's-not-a-bridesmaid thread, I'm starting to wonder what happened to you. This is God awful advice.
This sounds terrible. If I were you, I would insist that your H be there the entire time. Also, if you think having the dogs there will compromise your living situation, this visit is not worth that. They need to do something else with the dogs.
If your H simply is not going to be able to be there due to his work schedule, this MUST be rescheduled. If it cannot be for some reason, I would make sure I was not there. Can you go visit your family or some friends for a few days? It does not sound like she has apologized to you or tried to make amends.
This visit is about seeing her son, and it sounds really poorly planned. So then YOU get the hell out of dodge.
Thank you everyone for your replies and advice... lol I don't think I've been called a wimp so many times in my life, but it was warranted. You guys are absolutely right. I allowed myself to get caught up in all this crazyness and see or think about all the underlying issues. Thank you!
My dad really was in the hospital, I'm just saying you could explain to management even that it's a temporary visit (in my case I didn't deal with management, but when a neighbor said "who's this", I explained my dad was in the hospital and it wasn't a big deal)
I like my advice, I like me!
Yeah, but your valid excuse was, "My dad's in the hospital and desperately needed someone to care for his dogs in the meantime." Not, "My MIL treats me like shiit and is bringing her dogs because she doesn't give a flying fucck about what we tell her is and isn't allowed."
See the difference? MIL is not in an emergency situation where she's got no other choice but to bring the dogs.
It's a housing complex with an explicit NO PETS rule. How is ignoring that rule just to placate your nasty inlaws "not a big deal"?
I get that in your case, you had extreme circumstances. But you do understand that had one of your neighbors told the property management on you, you could have been evicted........right? That you were openly violating the rules of the complex, and that they would have had every right to kick you out? That your father's emergency wasn't their problem?
So someone sees MIL walking dogs around a complex with a no pets rule.......wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the dogs shouldn't be there, and once they saw where the dogs were going it would be easy enough to let management know that OP is in violation - one quick visit would give them away, and they could be served an eviction notice.
Yeah, not a big deal. I sure as hell wouldn't put my living situation at risk for people who didn't like me or treat me with respect.
Yeah, vj, you got lucky no one reported you. I imagine that it was because of your situation. I hardly think anyone would have the same sympathy for the OP's MIL.
Another point is, I'd be willing to bet that the poster's MIL absolutely would not follow her requests to be discreet about the dogs. If she doesn't give a crap about insulting OP to her face, then I'm pretty sure she'd have no qualms about not keeping her dogs quiet or not picking up their poop. It's not her property, so WTF does she care? And bonus points that it'd likely get OP in trouble with the housing complex. Win-win situation for MIL ... free room and board, she gets to bring along the dogs, and she pisses off her despised daughter-in-law. DIL faces the music while she gets off scott-free.
Easy, you're complex won't allow pets so find MIL somewhere nearby that is nice and has amenities to keep her busy. Commit to 1 day and 1 evening cause it sounds like that is all your husband has time for. Pray these 2 outings go quickly and continue on with your life.
You don't owe this woman anything, she is coming to visit you, that doesn't mean you have to account for her comfort every waking moment she is in town.
Discuss and determine boundaries NOW before your husband has another phone conversation. Its not all or nothing, there is a healthy in-between.
Next time don't encourage your DH to have a relationship with his Mom or anyone else who treats you like crap. Tell DH that you will not be home to entertain her and he can rearrange his schedule. Does she even know he won't be around?
The dog thing is ridiculous, she cannot bring them. If she doesn't want to travel without them, well guess she doesn't visit. Where is your spine?
I think maybe my previous answer was a bit harsh. I think your H has to make every effort to take those days off or at least work shorter hours. I would feel differently if you just felt shy or something but in your case she said some pretty hateful things and it sounds like there really hasn't been any resolution of that incident/s.
I just don't think it is fair for you to have to be alone with them, or really, have them stay in your home, after what she said about you. Unless she has made a sincere apology and told you she wants to move beyond that and so forth.
have your husband tell her that the dogs are not allowed in the complex.. and if she does bring them, be sure to have a couple boarding kennel number handy
We were more than willing to have his parents sleep on the futton we had in the guest room but they are alittle heavy so we had to put our mattress in there, and go out and get a new one for us ( not that im complaining :])
you cant please everyone. and i would really hate for you to spend your whole like TRYING to please your mother in law.. it will make you miserable... just ask her what she would like to do, give her a few suggestions, and ask her if there is anything special she may like, or if she wants to go to the store with you..
So he cut her off because she treated you so horribly, but you insisted that he re-open the relationship with her. You know what that means, right? You never, ever, ever get to complain about the way she treats you again. You could have had a life free of this woman, but you demanded that she be included in it.
Tell your DH to call his mom and tell her that she will have to stay in a hotel. If she wants, he can call around to find out which ones are pet-friendly.