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Mommy Dearest...
Joys of having a mother who is nice to everyone but me! Not to be longwinded but my mpther is driving me nuts! Ongoing since I was a teen- worse now that I'm married! Lately... o boy...
Last weekend we were at their house for her birthday- I invited them over but she didn't feel she should have to travel on her day.I ordered food from her fav. restraunt and went to my parents house. Sigh- she didn't want takeout- I should have cooked for her.
My mother is one of the nicest, caring and genrous people you will meet. Just don't be me! I'm the one who gets the recycled christmas gifts while she spends $100's of dollars on her friends and neighbors.
On my wedding day she wasn't there to help me get dressed because she had to go and get her hair done by a special hair dresser. She didn't like the girl we had at the hotel. She cut a bunch of my girlfriends out of my bridal shower because she didn't like them and 2 of them just told me about it- 2 years later!
Her latest complaint- she can't enjoy her life because she and my dad helped put my brother and i thru college and now she is stuck paying for it. Also- they put us in private school from age 3 and now she complains that we used all her money.
At 3 I'm pretty sure it was your decision mom!
Husband and I are going to disney for our 2nd anniversary and she's made many comments that it must be nice since she is paying for my education. Need I say I have my own set of college loans and grad. loans. again and as a parent you should have put your foot down at my college choice if you weren't contributing. I never asked- my parents said from the time i can remember- you're going to college and we're making it happen!
Today she calls to tell me she wants me to reimburse her for the time I lived with them between grad. school and getting married- 6 months. This was 2 years ago. She figures $500 a month is reasonable since I can afford to go to disney world.
My dad- bless him! I have no idea how he does it!
Please tell me i'm not the only one with wacky mom stories!
Re: Mommy Dearest...
Same question from me. WHY are they paying your college loans off when you have money to go to disney? Even if they WANTED to do it then, you should have taken it over once you were working and could start paying it off.
Sounds to me like we are definitely only hearing one side of the story.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. If parents take out loans in their own names (which is how I read it), the kids aren't supposed to be paying for them. It isn't OPs fault if her mother took out PLUS loans or whatever.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
If I was paying for someone else's education and they had the $ to take a vacay I'd be annoyed too. You're married and you're allowing her to pay for your education? WTH?
the other stuff is petty.
No, they arent held legally, but it is the right thing to do! Why would any grown adult who has a paying job let their parents continue to pay? I guess i have a different outlook on what being an adult means. Im not saying her parents didnt want to help her at the time and it WAS their choice BUT her circumstances are different now and it sounds like her parents may have less now. Why wouldnt a responsible adult step up and take over?
My student loans for undergrad are paid 90% by me. I also am paying back my entire graduate degree, as it should be. My parents paid for 1/2 my undergrad education - which was their choice. we have argued for years on my taking over their payments and my father says no. He says this is the commitment they made to me. Financially they do not have money problems. But hey, who couldn't use more money? Does anyone really have enough?
They lost some in the stock market, along with half the country a few years ago. I don't know everything about their finances, but always ask if they need me to do the payments. My dad says no. My husband and I also just helped to send them on a trip to the grand canyon for their 35th anniversary. We are not wealthy by any means. I work 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and my husband does the same. We aren everything we have. Please don't think I;m a spoiled brat.
I should have mentioned that my parents paid 100% for my brothers education and while in undergrad i worked 3 jobs to pay for books and to live. My brother did not like to work and my parents gave him a credit card for his expenses that they still pay.
can you really stop seeing your mother?
I took out the dredded sallie mae and they took out one as well. not sure with who. I have been repaying since before i graduated in order to pay off sooner. Let me also point out I wanted to go to a lessexpensive school and they said to go for it and they would help. I am always looking for the best financial decisions!
Maybe I'm reaching with this analogy, but what if her parents moved to a bigger house when she was born so she could have her own bedroom? Now that she's an adult, should she be paying part of her mortgage?
This is a sore spot for me because my parents told me that they were paying for my college education and that I could go anywhere I wanted and pushed me towards some VERY EXPENSIVE private schools, one of which I chose. If I'd have known I was going to end up saddled with 80% of the bill, I would have looked into other options. Luckily, I ended up with a great job and can afford it (just barely).
My parents asked me to pay the additional 20% they took out and I flat out refused.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
Yes.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
I think you need to sit down w/ BOTH your mom and dad and hash this out. Your dad says one thing, your mom says another. Get them in the same room and talk about it. And if necessary, call your mom out on how she keeps mentioning this over and over. You're "concerned they are having financial issues".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yes, I think you are reaching! lol
My point is if you can help you should. Even if your parents agreed to pay for it in full. To me it is a sign of being a responsible adult. I dont care if it is $50 a month! At least make an attempt.
Eh, I guess my opinion is colored by the relationship I have with my parents. I suppose if you actually like your parents, it's a nice thing to offer to do. I stand firm on the fact that she's not obligated.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
dup
Eh, I guess my opinion is colored by the relationship I have with my parents. I suppose if you actually like your parents, it's a nice thing to offer to do. I stand firm on the fact that she's not obligated.
I agree she isnt legally obligated 100% that was my original point. Just because you arent obligated doesnt mean you shouldnt.
I also agree that your situation makes it cloudier for you.
I'm on the fence about this one.
I think you need to sit down with both your mother and father to discuss this. The first item I'd bring up is your mother's attempted sabotage of your Disney Vacation. If my mom (or ILs) started insisting I owe them money for arbitrary past events just because I was taking a vacation, I'd be irate. Presumably you have saved and planned for this vacation, and it's kind of heinous to now be demanding money because you're doing something fun for yourself.
Now, it would be different if you owed them money and they saw you taking a vacation instead of paying them back. But, from your story, it sounds like this "debt" from living with them years ago was only brought up after she discovered you were taking a vacation.
So, that would be the first item I'd address. I'd flat out say that if they come up with a "debt" every time you want to spend money, you'll have to sever contact with them. If they're going to do something like submit an invoice for your kindergarden wardrobe when you mention you're searching for a house, that's not going to fly. You need to nip that in the bud now.
As for the student loans, I'm with the others. I have a large % of my student loans in my name. Partial undergrad and then my entire law degree. My parents took some student loans for undergrad. Most of that debt was actually forgiven because my father died, but my mom is still responsible for about 25% of the amount they took out. Even though she insisted that I don't have to pay her for it, I write her a check once a month for the amount she pays. She can use it for whatever she wants. If she doesn't accept it, I put it in a separate account for her to use for a vacation in a few years. I don't legally owe it, but I feel like I'm reaping the benefits of my education, I can afford to repay it and she shouldn't have to pay it when she's not getting anything out of it. Plus, she's struggling financially and I am not.
So, while you may not be legally obligated to do it, a lot of people feel like it's a moral obligation. But, your father sounds like he feels differently. You need to sit down with both parents and hash it out. If your father refuses, then your mother needs to stop bringing it up to you. But you need to figure this out before it drives you insane.
I'm more upset over the situation than the $. You have to understand that from the time I was babysitting at age 15 my mother has left me on my own financially- except for food and education and housing. at 15 i was buying my own clothes- because i babysat and had money. In high school i paid for my school uniforms, books, prom dresses, school trips and so forth. How many people do you kow that cut their 15 year olds off and won't pay for a pair of jeans? My parents were very well off and could afford these things. They paid outright for any need/want my brother had.
When I was debating colleges my parents told me to pick any college i wanted and steered me toward an expensive one. They said they would pay 1/2 of my undergrad degree for tuition and the rest was on me. I paid for books, room and board, transportation home for breaks and holidays and every other need I had. I even footed the bill to study abroad. also attended grad. school and am paying the $20,000 bill myself.
6 years later- they , my mother, now thinks I should be paying the entire thing because I am going on a vacation with my husband. She also feels I owe them $ for the 6 months I lived with them before gettig married after grad. school. None of this was said ahead of time. This was over 2 years ago.
I think a long talk is in order- if the woman would ever sit down long enough to talk to me!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you are focusing on the money instead of looking at your parents for who they really are versus who you wished they'd be (particularly your mother). It is disappointing that you haven't been able to count on them for money in the past, but they have showed you a pattern of who they are and I think you need to learn to accept that. You can wish all day long that your mom is someone different who takes care of you, but you will just continue to end up being disappointed and frustrated.
Have you been to counseling? You might want to consider it to figure out how to accept your mom for who she is and separate yourself. Once you learn to rely on yourself and take care of yourself, what your mom is/isn't able to give you will become crystal clear and hopefully you'll be able to let a lot of past go to move on.
Her parents told her they would do this for her. Now they want her to pay them back for it. I don't think it is a matter of obligation, or even what she should do. If her parents didn't want to pay for part of her college, they shouldn't have taken out the loans. But they did. And apparently never with the understanding of, "When you're on your feet, we'd like to work out an arrangement where you pay us back."
The OPs educational selection might have been different, if she had known this going in, no?
OP - I don't think you need to pay your parents back for the time you lived with them, or for any debt they took on your behalf. I DO think that you need to dramatically reduce your relationship with them.
When money comes up, make it clear that you are not discussing finances with them. If your mom continues to press it, say, "Mom, we're not talking about finances. If you continue, I'm going to hang up/leave."
i guess what i think doing the right thing is and others is different.
OK, let's ignore the student loan issue for now. Ignore it because I really think that's a discussion for you, your mother and your father. Your parents are not on the same page about this, and they need to be.
Again, your first issue you need to discuss is this back payment of $3,000 for staying with them after grad school but before your wedding. They can't just expect that retroactive rent when they didn't give you that information up front. I'm presuming that if they had said you must pay $500 a month before you opted to live with them you would have taken advantage of other living arrangements (perhaps with your future husband?) They can't charge you now, and I think that this issue is a hill to die on. I think if you pay it, or even give an inch that you may be nickeled and dimed for every expense growing up. What's the average cost of raising a child now? 200k? Where are they going to stop?
It may be time to take a giant leap backwards from your relationship with your mother. If they can afford hundreds of dollars for gifts to friends and neighbors,etc, they certainly can afford to enjoy life.
Agreed about the student loans.
The issue of rent only came up when they found out we were planning for disney- 2 years after the wedding.
side note- we won the trip thru a school i volunteer for at their annual basket auction. we have to pay for food/incidentals but room and tickets and air are paid for in the prize.
Wow....it sounds like she is manipulative and may also have a cash flow problem or something else is going on.
I would not give her a dime. My 2 cents, so to speak.