Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Mommy Dearest...
What the heck? You think the OP shouldn't go on a vacation until all her SL's are paid off, and her parents loans? That's crazy.
Also, I think that her parents chose to take out a loan, therefore it is their responsibility to pay it. If her parents got in a bind, then the OP should help them out, but to have to pay it back herself now that she has a job? Nope. I disagree.
Why should the OP have to live her life to her mothers standards? And back pay rent??? What?
Yikes. My parents had to take out loans for my last year of UG and I actively TRIED to take the load off their backs and they wouldn't let me (I was also putting myself through grad school and paying off my own loans at the time). But they'd always made a big fuss over making sure we got our UG degrees. It sounds like your Mother had a massive change of heart at some point - or perhaps she resents your success given that her own decisions put her in debt? - which is really odd. I don't think her actions are fair given that as a kid (which as a HS senior, you WERE) of course you're going to trust your parents to steer you in the right direction and to deal with you honestly. If they wanted you to pay for more of your education, they should have made that clear ahead of time so you could have planned better (going to a cheaper school, etc.). The rent thing is just bizarre and seems vindictive.
Still I'd assume her leftover college debt and cut way back on our time together until she can treat you better, just to be done with it!!
I agree you need to sit down with mom AND dad and your husband should probably be there too since you guys are your own family now.
she legally cannot charge you for the time you lived with them unless there was some kind of agreement about the cost beforehand.
same with the PLUS loans They took them out in their name, under their SSNs, the debt belongs solely to them unless there was some kind of legal/binding agreement that you would pay them back.
sounds like she regrets ever helping you out and wants all her money back. Too bad, it's too late and she has no legal protection.
she is being a bitter, terrible mother. You guys need to sit down and hammer this out, make it clear you owe them nothing and then the conversation is over. If she brings this up again "mom we settled this when we sat down with you and dad last month, it s not open for discussion" and end the conversation if it persists.
I would distance yourself. See them on holidays, more frequently only if she treats you well. You don't have to take her ***.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I'd probably cut her off and never tell her my plans. You might also get some help about your animosity toward your brother and what you feel is unequal treatment. It is eating at you more than you realize.
Your father could have bought your jeans and prom dresses, but regardless it did teach you to be self reliant. I'm curious if your brother is successful.
I paid for both my children's college and NEVER would expect repayment. It was a gift, no strings attached.
My brother is very successful in his work. But he has no time for family and is the jack ass that you love to hate type. Always a snarky comment, putting everyone including my parents down and telling them how his friends parents were better and more generous growing up. He resents that we did not live a life of luxury and that he did not recieve a car for graduating college like his friends. He frequently comments on how my parents never owned a shore house and its embarassing for him. sigh.
Never thought about the eating at me thing. You're probably right. There are alot of things that he has done/continues to do that don't sit right with me.
Thanks fr all the insight everyone! sometimes you need a non partisan opinion.
I hate to say it, but it takes two people to have a bad relationship. Mother/daughter relationships can be difficult, and I completely understand. But at some point you need to do the following to make things better for yourself: decide to stop letting her make you feel bad about yourself and your choices, stop keeping score regarding what your brother got vs. what you got, and just respond to your mom, "I'm sorry you feel that way, and if you continue to treat me without the respect you give to others then I'm not going to be able to see you until you can respect me."
Now, when I say that it takes two people to have a bad relationship, that doesn't mean I think everything will be roses and your mom will jump at the chance to change her relationship with you...but you do have the choice on how you deal with her and whether you choose to include her in your adult life. Stick to the matter at hand, without getting sidetracked on financial details. You and your mother can start treating each other better, or maybe she won't, but at least you'll be able to say that you gave it your best shot.
I had a mother like this. Everyone else thought she was a saint. And she was . . . to them.
Do not pay her for the school loans. You may be tempted to do so because you'll think that if you do she'll finally leave you alone or she'll start treating you with respect--it won't happen. As you've seen, she'll just keep dredging things up from the past. IT WILL NEVER END!
It's really not about what she thinks you "owe". If it was, she would have told you at the time how much things were going to cost--she wouldn't wait years and years to spring a bill on you. It's her way of manipulating and keeping power over you. Remember, people can only treat you as badly as you let them.
This (except, personally, I'm lucky enough to have a great mom.)
It.will.never.end.
"Well, remember when we bought your band uniform in 10th grade? You owe us $85.00"
"Recall that time that you wanted a new jacket but I said I wasn't sure, then your dad bought it for you anyway? $45.00, please."
"So, I only was able to breast feed for about 3 months. That was because you wouldn't latch on. You owe us $372 for the next several of formula costs."
You Mom is completely ridiculous and being really unfair and petty. It's really a shame. She is a grown woman and she is acting like a child.
And about the vacation: you deserve to go! And its not like you are taking some trip to Europe for 2 weeks spending loads of money, its Disney. It is not extravagent. It a reasonable trip. And just because you are going there does not mean you are made of money. And it definitely does not give your Mother the right to start demanding payment for petty things.
Good luck.
I disagree with this. The parents should have been responsible adults and agree to pay only what they could afford. There was a consequence to the parent's choice, and they need to live with it. If they can't afford to send their kids to college, that's ok. Tell your kids they are on their own. Even if the parents could afford to pay for two years, but then the dad/mom lost their job....they can tell her "we can't afford to give you what we promised. Circumstances have changed, and we won't be able to pay for your Junior and Senior year" The child would have an opportunity to take out loans, take a year off to earn $, switch to a less costly school.
But to turn around years after the fact and say "we paid for your education...you lived at home...now you owe us" isn't right. If the mom can afford to give $100 gifts to her friends and pay for the brother's credit card, she can afford to honor the promise. It's a choice she is making.
This sounds like a marital problem between your mom and your dad. They might have different spending styles, different levels of comfort about what kind of savings makes them feel secure. Your dad might play a similar game with your mom that your mom plays with you "anything for the kids...but we don't need a vacation, you don't need to get your nails done when you can paint them yourself." I agree that you should sit down with your mom and dad together and talk about the loans.
If talking with your mom / dealing with your mom makes you feel so un-valued, you need to stop seeing her and speaking to her. If after your sit down you feel your parents need the $ and you feel obligated, don't think that by paying them any $ your mom will treat you better. It will just be something else that you don't do for her. You need to realize that. I would suggest you get counseling to provide you with tools that help you deal with your mom, including cutting her off.
A long talk is definitely in order -- with both your mother and your father, at the same time, in the same room. Don't stop talking until you get this hammered out once and for all. Make sure they both hear, at the same time, all of the things your mother expects you to repay them for. Chances are your father doesn't know about any of this.
Yes, people do cut their parents out of their life. Shared DNA isn't an excuse to continue being a doormat. And on that note, you really need to get the idea of your father being a saint for putting up with her all these years out of your head. Where the hell was he when she was treating you so badly when you were a child/teenager? Why wasn't he standing up for you? Sounds like 'doormat' might be an inherited family trait.
Pay your student loans off first then go to Disney world, but I do not believe if the loans are in your parents name you don't need to pay them back for them. You also don't need to pay them for living with them, and if I was you I would call my dad and ask why all of the sudden do they need you to pay for living with them. But if your dad isn't on your side I'd say screw it let them pay there own debt, and don't talk to them.
I'd also like to suggest Dave Ramsey.
When I went to college, my sister was a single mom living at home with her daughter and commuting to a nearby college. I moved away to college because I didn't like the school within commuting distance. My parents told me that since they were paying my sister's "room and board" (she lived there rent-free), they would pay mine. Apparently, my mom also picked up some of the tuition bill, which I never asked her to do. So she complains about it all the time because she didn't help my sister with tuition at all, and my sister is getting her BS in accounting because she can't use her BA degree anymore. My sister also now has a 2.5 year old and she still lives with my parents. She does not pay them for rent, food, utilities, internet, whatever. My parents just had the whole house recarpeted and my sister (she is 27) didn't pay a cent. I, however, have to pay for mortgage, TV/internet/phone, electric, a new AC system, student loans, insurance, food, etc... and I still can't find a teaching job because no one is hiring teachers! So I am working part time. If my mom was so worried about money, I figured she would charge my sister to live there. Since she's not, I figure she can continue to handle the loans she took out for me but didn't tell me about until 7 years later.