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Passanie
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Discuss: Parenthood
So I've been seeing a lot of blogs, columns, stories, etc like this lately. From an NPR piece:
Can we all agree on one thing? Having a baby is not just a fabulous, enriching experience that opens up your capacity for love and endless opportunities for personal growth.
It's also miserably hard work.
A baby is like the worst houseguest ever: endlessly demanding, keeping you up at all hours, needing to be fed and making a mess of the whole place.
Read the rest here.
So I'm curious, is it really true that parents are not allowed to complain? Why am I seeing so many pieces like this lately? And if parenthood is really that tough, why do people continue to do it?
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Re: Discuss: Parenthood
I think this answers your question.
Not everything that is worth it is easy. I mean I'm not a mom yet, but this would be my assumption.
As hard as it is, in the end good, good trumps the bad/hard and watching that child grow and having that family dynamic is worth the lack of sleep, and worrying/the amount of bodily fluid you must deal with on a daily basis.
I think lots of people (especially around here) don't feel like they can complain because it's supposed to be so "magical" and "special" and the "best blessing ever" to be pregnant/have a kid and some people so desperately want to and can't. They see it as like hitting the lottery and complaining about the taxes to someone who doesn't even have money for food.
Also, no parent wants people to think they don't love their children or be perceived as a "bad parent". I think people feel if they complain they will be judged as such.
Like I said I'm not a mom, ( I always feel the need to say that when I answer questions regarding kids/parenting and IDK why, but I do) so maybe I'm wrong, but that's my answer and i'm sticking to it.
Wow, no one wants to chime in huh?
I really don't feel like you're not allowed to talk about how tough parenthood is. My siblings talk about it, my parents and their friends talk about it (now they do it in front of me, but they didn't when I was little for obvious reasons.)
Now marriage, there's one thing that I feel like you're not allowed to discuss any of the negative aspects of. If you say one negative thing about your spouse or your marriage people assume that your marriage is s**t and you're really ungrateful.
ETA: Apparently we were answering at the same time CarFar!
ME TOO !!!! I miss it.
Lauren Graham.
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I have a mad crush on Peter Krause :::swoon::::
(sorry to post hijack)
I had hypermesis gravadarum, which is the *worst* morning sickness ever. I was sick from literally the day after I took the test until the day I gave birth. I took zofran at least twice a day and it didn't always work. There were more days when I could count that I said "if I barf one more time, I'm going to have to go get a fluid IV" - I'm certain that I should have on many occasions. I was in bed for most of my pregnancy. Literally, I would roll out of bed, barf, and climb back in. I read everything in the house and slept and tried to eat.
The days I felt well enough to shower and leave the house were like a PARTY and I would *always* stock up on books at the library.
But any time I opened my mouth to say that I felt like ass or I was tired or whatever - the response was "don't complain, you wanted this."
Hi. I wanted to be a mom (and I want to have another child) and I thought feeling human during my (miracle) pregnancy was worth hoping for.
I get the same thing from some people if I say that I've had a rough time due to teeth/colic/etc.
It's common: "You wanted this, suck it up."
It is also true that it is the most rewarding thing I've done to date. But like all good things from parenthood to olympic medals: getting there and getting through it is brutal.
I'm sorry that you get those responses! Feel free to vent to me anytime!!!
Really Emmie ? That is crazy. As much as I thought people FELT they couldn't complain I can't believe anyone actually said these things to you. People are dumb. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that the medical things you go through aren't just as painful and hard to get through.
This was discussed on the MM board as well and said the nest/the bump is a place where parents talk about parenthood.
As a non parent, I want to hear the good, the bad and ugly.
I guess from my perspective, I want to have morning sickness, I want to have a child who has colic, I want to a baby who does not STTN. Yes, I am sure I am going to eat my words but at this point, I would want all of that. Why? Because I gave life to another human being and raising this child(ren) will be worth every sleepless night, imho
I see where you're coming from - we were on the verge of adopting when I got knocked up. You're right - it is worth every single second.
And while I am grateful every day that I have him - sometimes you need to vent, and sometimes you need to say "this moment sucks and I need to tell someone who's been through these moments so they can tell me it gets better" -- and so you go to someone from whom you expect to hear that and they say "suck it up, bucko. you wanted this."
Like a little support would kill them?
And not to sound all...something crappy...when you're worried that you can't keep enough *water* down to keep your body hydrated so you can grow that human being to be healthy and thriving...it's hard not to call your mom in a panic. (And yes, my MOTHER - of all people - is the one who kept saying: "you wanted this.")
Another common thing is similar to what was posted before: the "you haven't slept well the past few nights? I haven't slept well the past few YEARS." Or "you think it's hard chasing down one toddler? Wait until you have TWO." That "I'm more miserable than you are" bullshit.
But I have found people with whom I can commiserate, and I keep it there. You have to find the right village.
And thanks, guys. I like that you're part of my village. My vent right now: these effing eye teeth just *will not* break through! His poor gums...thank GOD for ibuprofen and a husband who can sleep through anything...and is a morning person :-D
I think this is why people don't complain more, because it is all worth it.
exactly. I would even venture that when you're pregnant, they're harder because it's not just your life that's compromised.
OMG! Em-I can not believe your mom said this.
Moms-bottom line you have listening ear. I may not say "I understand" but I am a good listener!
Sorry to hear about those teeth....poor baz and poor mama!
Hmm, that's an interesting analogy. And true, I think. I still remember on the knot when a woman said she was a little scared by the concept of forever and good God, you would have thought she said she'd cheated on her fiance. She was quickly told to cancel the wedding and get therapy.
I imagine there's truth in the not feeling comfortable complaining, particularly when around people here who can't conceive. It can't be like that on the bump though, is it? And surely that situation isn't that common in real life?
This puzzles me too. I remember on FB recently a certain nestie said something negative about doing laundry and a mom said "just wait til you have a baby!" implying it would get so much worse. Is that supposed to be encouraging? Where does that attitude come from? If misery loves company, but it's not OK to complain... I don't get it.
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irony: last night was our first solid 8-hour stretch of sleep from him. WOOHOOO!
1st - I think people are hoping that it's the OTHER couples who make up the "50% of all marriages end in divorce" statistic. So while they're not actually wishing ill of their friends and acquaintances, They're just glad it's not them.
2nd - sometimes it's not that they tell you to get over it, the people who have trouble trying to conceive, but that's where the one-upmanship rears it's ugliest head. When we'd been trying for about 6 months I found out that my SIL was pregnant and I went onto the TTC board (i was a regular at the time) and just let it all out - how that month, that cycle it got to me. And the responses were "you think six months is bad? I've been trying for *years*" and the "I've had ____ miscarriages" etc etc -- TTC is an emotional wringer for everyone involved...and when you go looking for sympathy it's not always there.
3rd - this can also be applied to people with money, friends, boyfriends, successful careers...it's like you are either perfectly happy with not one single iota of a problem or you have to be the bottom of the barrel - you can't be popular but have insecurities, you can't be rich but have a crappy home life....people want everyone else to much less complicated than they are.
it's a disservice that we pay each other, really.
:-(
Nothing worth having comes easily. Want to be healthy and in shape? You're going to have to diet and exercise. Want a job that pays better/is more fulfilling? You're going to have to sacrifice to return to school, or work hard to promote up to where you'd like to be. Want to "grow old and still in love" with your spouse? You're going to have to put hard work and dedication into your marriage over the years to keep it going strong and bounce back from the inevitable challenges you'll face.
Yes - everything has consequences. And you DO need to own those consequences. But, it doesn't mean you don't have a right to feel what you feel about those painful times. It's unreasonable to expect anyone to enjoy something negative/painful. You can tolerate it and work through it, but you don't have to like it. Having to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is "perfect" is NOT healthy. People need to be able to vent so they can process through the emotions and deal with them adequately (as opposed to bottling it inside, where it can fester and turn into other problems). Sometimes they need to get it out there so they can find help and advice. Telling a mom that she "shouldn't complain because [she] wanted kids" or that she needs to just "shut up and suck it up" doesn't alleviate her stress, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, etc. It exacerbates these problems.
There's way too much competitiveness and not enough empathy. And that's no way to be with someone you care about. We've all been kicked when we were down, and know how much it sucks -- so why do it to others? There's so much more to be gained from mutual support and understanding.
That said... when someone does kick you when you're down like that, it's best to realize their attitude is more about THEM, and their insecurities/issues than it is about you.
Howdy everyone, I know I haven't been around much lately....
This post hit a nerve with me today!
You know what, motherhood is the hardest thing I've ever done, every single aspect of it. From my pregnancy, birth and now, juggling it all. And I sometimes feel like I can't complain. Em explained it best, because someone will always 'one' up my complaining. If I complain about having one kid, someone says "wait until you have 2!". When I complained that it took a year to conceive, people told me to suck it up.
And the hardest part is talking about my birth, which is not at all what I had envisioned or planned. And it honestly, for reals, feels like the biggest failure in my life. Of course I am so happy to have Ellie in my life, I love her so much more than I imagined I could, but that doesn't take away how upset I am about how her birth turned out. But the most common response is "But look at how beautiful your baby is". Having a beautiful, amazing baby doesn't take away all the pain and recovery I've gone through. I'm still recovering from my pregnancy. I still can't do what I want (no running, limited yoga, etc) and its hard.
ERD 01.16.11
Surviving postpartum depression & OCD one day at a time.
Also experienced antenatal OCD.
Feel free to ask me questions about my experience.
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I just really wanted a natural, unmedicated birth, and prepared for month for it.. but ended up being induced after Ellie failed a non stress test (basically they tell me my placenta was probably detaching). Then, after 40+ hours of labor... where I eventually got an epidural and 2 hours of pushing, I ended up with a C-section. And I was totally unprepared for how hard that would be.
And Ellie was BIG so she stretched me out.. my stomach muscles are still separated and so is my pelvis
ERD 01.16.11
Surviving postpartum depression & OCD one day at a time.
Also experienced antenatal OCD.
Feel free to ask me questions about my experience.
Donate to My Pancreatic Cancer Research Page
I think I agree with pretty much all the other posters...
It is the hardest job I have ever had but the most amazing one. I have never felt such strong emotions beyond love before...its like everything is heightened. I feel extreme joy, fear, pride, excitement, sorrow, etc. Everything is amplified since having a baby. My emotional costs and benefits have skyrocketed.
What I mean by that is....you never realize how astonishing and truly amazing walking is until you watch your child go from unable to able. The frustrations they feel over their inability to master something on the first million tries but their determination to master it that leads them to million +1 is just mind blowing.
I have new appreciation for my own parents and grandparents, and I have a deeper love for them as well. I feel like having EJ was the best thing besides marrying my husband that I have ever done.
All of that said, there are days when I just want to roll over and go back to sleep and not go get him out of bed because I am exhausted...because my exhaustion is amplified too. But I roll my a$$ out of bed and go get him. There are days I know I have taken on too much in my life, wife, child, 21 units at school (essentially 6-7 classes, one of them is not a "class" but is the work of a class so that is why I say 6-7 instead of "6" or "7"). I feel overwhelmed and desperate at times and have been known to call my mom of MIL and ask for them to take EJ for even just an hour so I can pull myself together so that I can attempt to always give him my best. I have snapped at him, and immediately felt bad, and given myself a time out.
Being a mom is freaking hard. Had I known how hard it would be ahead of time, WITHOUT knowing the amazing joys it also is I would not have had a child. Had I known ahead of time how hard it is and ALSO known the amazing joys it is to be a mom...I would have jumped in without a doubt.
I share that last part because I think we all need to know the good and the bad and I think that focusing on the good opposed to the bad is what helps us make the decisions our hearts need us to make.
I love my son more than I could have ever imagines, I am tearing up just thinking about how deeply I love him. The idea of him not being here makes me sick to my stomach and horribly scared. Those feelings trump the days that I wonder if I am going to make it. besides that...when I need to tell someone how hard it is I call my husband or my mom or my grandmother or my sister and tell them how I feel because I know they will understand that no matter what comes out of my mouth I am just in a desperate moment and need support and love and that it isn't how I feel overall.
So to answer the question...I think moms need to feel like they have a completely unbiased and non-judemental avenue before they feel like they can let loose their negative feelings about motherhood.
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EJ is growing up too fast!
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OMG, why do we continue - because the rewards are so amazing that all the complaints don't add up to a hill of beans! LOL
I am one of those parents that thinks motherhood/parenthood is often viewed through rose-colored glasses and that we need to be able to vent our frustrations, challenges, hard times and worry. I think it is a great disservice to us all if we do not discuss those hard times.
But I don't know how to explain it if you don't have a kid, but just to say that the rewards of parenthood are numerous and deep. It is the greatest feeling I've ever had in my life.
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Great answers so far.
For me, I realized early on that I needed to build or join a little village to have when parenting got to be too much. I am happy to say that I have a few groups of Moms that I know I can vent to and feel no judgement. That is is imperative to my sanity.
Is parenting hard? You bet your sweet a$$ it is. Is it worth it? Absofuckingloutely.
The two best times of my day involve my children. #1 When we are checking on the kids before my husband and I go to bed. We both mention how freakin adorable they are, whisper about the cute things they did that day, and head to bed. My second favorite thing is finally crawling into my bed exhausted. Do they exhaust me, exasperate me, and annoy me sometimes? Yes. However, every single minute has been worth it. Every.single.minute.
Yes of course it's hard work. Residency was definitely much harder but this is longer.
I may be one of those few people who pretty much understood how hard it would be, being a pediatrician and also old enough to have friends with kids that I was very close with. I also know how much worse it can be, with illnesses, developmental delay, behavioral problems, etc. So I am thankful every second of every day that I have a healthy child and the things I am experiencing are part of normal development. It's just a different perspective.
Do I complain? Yup! I do complain, when I am exhausted, when she is super crabby, when she won't sleep. But overall, I am totally enthralled by my baby girl, and I am one of those people that loves being a mom and she is every dream I ever had come true. I hope I get to do it again, and i know that will be even crazier and much more difficult. And I will complain even more. But I still want another.
I can't even express the simple happiness I felt tonight sitting at the dinner table with my husband, my daughter and my husband's brother. Washing the dishes while she played and danced around me. Hanging out on the deck after dinner while she pointed out the cars and airplanes and putting her to bed so I could check my FB and the nest!!! LOL.