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At our wits end....
MIL was diagnosed w/ congestive heart failure yesterday, but that didn't stop her morbidly obese ass from ordering a chocolate milkshake right after her appointment or stop her from ordering 5 containers of Edy's ice cream from Pea Pod today. She is on over 9 medications, can't move without a walker, can't really even walk using her walker, and is making a mess of herself (if you know what I mean). DH and I have been to her house no less than 15 times the last 2 weeks to help her get things cleaned, to unstuck her ass from her chair, bring her to appt's, laundry, etc.
She called her doctor for an appointment last week and DH took her there yesterday. She was met there by her Urologist, Internist, Cardiologist and General Practitioner....Why won't she get the picture?
Re: At our wits end....
Maybe stop going over to take care of her once or twice a day.
If what she is ordering upsets you, don't focus on it.
Remember, you can't control anyone else, just your own actions.
There's something terribly distasteful about me having to clean fuucking diarrhea off her bathroom floor, too. And she shouldn't be eating that shiit because she's morbidly obese.
Um, who's holding a gun to your head to take care of her? You don't "have" to do a damn thing for her.
She doesn't take care of herself because she's grown accustomed to you and your H doing it for her. Stop enabling her and tell her that she needs to take care of herself from now on. Better yet, stay out of it entirely and let your H tell her this.Or let him wait on her hand and foot and help her slowly kill herself, while you stay out of it and worry about taking care of your children.She was told 10 years ago after her bypass surgery to lose weight, 8 years ago after her first knee replacement surgery, 7 years ago after her second, 5 years ago after part of a kidney was removed because of cancer, after many epidurals into her spine because of pain from being obese, 4 years ago after a scary mammogram, and 2 years ago when she was diagnosed with sleep apnea...
We won't turn our backs on her, but we're angry with her because she won't follow the many orders from her many doctors. We're having to take a lot of time out of our lives and away from our children because she won't take care of herself.
Yes, I do have every right to be angry because it is affecting my husband and children. She has never been able to hold her grandchildren or even take them for a walk. She can't even have them over by themselves because she can't do a damn thing for them.
She's clearly not listening to her doctors. It's probably part laziness, part denial ... and again, she's got you and your H taking care of her so why the hell should she take care of herself? Complaining and talking shiit about her isn't going to change things. You have to DO something about it.
And to repeat - you don't HAVE to do anything for her. You and your H are CHOOSING to take care of her and enable her irresponsibility. Don't act like it's entirely her fault that you're in this position. You have the power to walk away at any time you want. I can totally understand not wanting to turn your back on a family member, and being frustrated that she just won't take care of herself, but you can only give so much before you've had enough.
If you're fed up with it, then stop taking care of her and let her either learn to take care of herself or live with the consequences of her actions. If you're still going to take care of her, then don't pretend that this is all her fault and that you have no choice in the matter.
We've only just started taking care of her recently. It's gotten worse in the past few weeks. Nobody is holding a gun to my head and if I want to help take the pressure off of my husband, I will. I don't enable her, I have given her a wealth of information on weight loss spas that she can go to, I throw things away when she's not looking, and I make her eat healthier when I'm there.
Anyway, why do you always feel the need to attack people when they come here to vent? You're a vulture!
Well, if your kids were in her house and needed to go to the bathroom, what would you do?
It's pretty obvious that you aren't looking to hear actual advice or make changes.
*shrug*
Carry on with sh!t cleaning.
Take the kids to Starbucks.
Or hell, Walmart.
So what exactly are you hoping to hear, then? "Aw, sweetie, she's such a fat ungrateful cow. Keep smiling and have faith, it'll all be O.K.!" *hugz*
Your approach clearly isn't working. Either do something about it, or stick to your plan but stop whining about it.
I guess letting her die is good advice...I have been trying so hard to get her to make better decisions. I've offered to go to weight watchers meetings with her, water aerobics classes, offered to fly with her to a weight loss spa, I've offered to cook healthy foods for her, offered to help her find a therapist to talk to, and the list goes on. We have done so much to try to get her to change her habits, but nothing is working. And in 6 months we are moving out of state and she will be here alone. There is so much more to this.
I'm not fuucking whining. I'm pissed, I'm yelling. And I don't need an "aw, sweetie"...Maybe, a "hey, I know of a great weigh loss center or a great plan that worked for so and so"...Just not any of your crap!
If she hasn't listened to you or your H so far ... or, you know, medical professionals who've been telling her to lose weight for years ... WTF makes you think that you're going to find something here that'll magically make her change her mind?
Either stop enabling her or get used to cleaning up her shiit for the rest of her life.
Again, YOU CAN'T CONTROL ANYONE ELSE. You only control yourself.
I get that this is very upsetting, but you need to start being more realistic about this.
Because home is not where she needs to be right now. She has to go to a medical weight loss place. DH and I are calling her doctors this week to set up a time to talk to them before her follow up and bloodwork results next week.
My advice is exactly the same and no, it's not easy to do, nor is it fun. But you're not going to change her. You can only change yourself. If you want to change the situation, changing your reaction to her and her actions is your only bet.
What is the point in this when it's clear she isn't going to listen to what anyone has to say?
Your anger is clear in your posts, and if I was in your shoes I might feel the same way. I was angry when my Mom at age 38 had open heart surgery yet continued to smoke. But I couldn't make her change. That was completely up to her.
You lashed out at some of the pps, but I agree with them. As long as she has you around to cater to her every need she isn't going to do anything different. She doesn't have to because she knows you are going to do it for her. You can only offer her options but it's up to her to actually decide to make a change. At some point you have to realize it's a lost cause.
Actually, my original post doesn't say "give me advice". I don't see any real useful advice here. I was venting and if I was given any useful advice, I would have thanked them for it. I feel that I was attacked by her for venting. I am very nice toward my MIL and wouldn't talk towards her in any other way. As my topic reads, I am at my wits end and came here to let it out. As one of my posts said, we just started helping her in the past few weeks because she just started to get to the point of not being able to take care of herself.
Her doctors have been telling her to get healthy for the past 10 years. What's going to change her mind this time?
Part of me feels like it's a lost cause, but I feel that I owe it to my kids to at least try one last time to get her to turn around. I want them to have a grandmother. It's a very stressful situation and I don't know how to handle it. Part of me wants to walk away and the other tells me not to. I do a lot of it to help ease the stress off of DH because nobody else in his family will help. It's just a huge mess!
Actually, yes, I do feel somewhat better. It's better to vent here than go into my backyard and scream really loud. You know when you just need to have a good cry or just let out a scream?
She doesn't want to get healthy. She has an addiction to food and it makes her happy. Happier than her son, you and her grandchildren make her.
I remember a few years ago my boss was going through something similar. She was angry at her dad because he refused to be healthy and it seemed that he was choosing doughnuts and bacon over his children and grandchildren. She finally just accepted it. Her dad didn't want to diet, in some way he was happy with his unhealthy way of life and figured if he was going to go, he was going to go happy. He really didn't care about seeing his grandchildren graduate or get married. He didn't care about living long enough to see his great grandchildren, he just wanted to live his life the way he saw fit and the way he enjoyed. Once my boss accepted it, she was better. Not necessarily happier and it wasn't something she would choose, but it didn't upset her like it used to. When her dad did pass away, she was sad but came to a place of peace about it.