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Vacationing with the in laws...
I need some input! My husband and I have been at odds about this topic for months and cannot come to an agreement. His family does a family vacation every February. They've been doing it for about ten years. It includes his mom, step dad, brother, brothers girlfriend, occasionally his step brother, and whoever he is dating at the time. This past February (two weeks after we got married) we went on a week long vacation with all of them. I wasn't excited about going on vacation with his entire family in the first place, but its their tradition so I thought I would suck it up. Well, it was awful. His mom was mad at someone different every day. She yelled at all the sons for playing cards too loud while she was trying to sleep (they're 32, 26, and 20 and were not being loud), she made nasty comments to the step brother's girlfriend because she didn't feel she was helping out enough. She had to be involved in everything everyone was doing, even waiting for my husband and I on the dock after we took a morning fishing trip alone so we could be by ourselves. She would try to pull me aside to gossip with me about all the people she was mad at (which I guess is better than her yelling at me too!). Needless to say, the trip was majorly unsuccessful. Within a month of returning from that trip she was already trying to plan for next year's trip. Every time she talks to my husband or myself she has to bring it up. So, now it has become an issue between my husband and me. I have no desire to go, I feel like I gave it a shot, it was terrible and I don't need to do it again. Plus, I think its kind of weird for a married 20 something couple to go on vacation with his mom. He thinks its a great time to see his family and its a free vacation, so it would be dumb to turn down. This next trip they want to take a cruise and have said we might have to share a room with his 20 year old brother and his 18 year old girlfriend! No thank you!! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I appreciate the offer, I just have no desire to be in that situation again. I would like to start our own family traditions before we have kids and aren't able to do those types of things alone. Plus, I think we all have family traditions but things change once we get married and we can't always do the things we have done in the past. I'd love to hear some opinions from someone not involved! Thanks! 
Re: Vacationing with the in laws...
I wouldn't go on any future group trips with them. (It doesn't sound like you need a lot of coaxing to agree with that.)
Your H can go if he wants without you. You plan a fun girls weekend to the beach or around a spa vacation.
If she brings it up around you, change the subject.
Wait - I was assuming your H understood that you didn't have a good time and he's ok with you not going.
Is this not the case?
If I had a longstanding family tradition like that, quite honestly, I'd be upset to miss it. And I'd be upset if my H couldn't suck it up once a year for me. It sounds like this means a lot to your H.
It sounds like his mother is the only real problem, right? I would tell you to avoid it at all costs if most/all of his family members were unbearable, but if it's just his mom then maybe they've all just learned to ignore her and enjoy each other's company instead.
MH and I went on an Ireland vacation with my family last year for a week. It was a great time and we're glad we did it, but there were times when we wanted to scream. The saving grace was that MH and I had our own room, and that there were times when the two of us (sometimes accompanied by my siblings) could go take a walk or explore something by ourselves. Being annoyed is part of the territory when you're in close quarters with a group, especially family members.
If the trip is scheduled for someplace where you and your H can have some time to yourselves, I would say to pay for your own room (no exceptions) and make sure you are the only ones with a key. If MIL starts gossiping, ignore her and change the subject or flat-out say, "I'm not comfortable talking behind other people's backs." Or laugh and say, "Geez, if you say things about X behind her back like this, I'd hate to think what you're saying about me!"
If you can't afford your own room, and/or if there's no way you will ever get a little alone time, I would tell your H that he's free to go without you but you would prefer to stay home so that you don't wind up getting into an argument with his mother. Schedule something for that time frame and let H handle it with his mother.
Ultimately, if you really don't want to go, then don't go. I don't blame you for not wanting to be frustrated for what's supposed to be a fun time. But if skipping the trip would cause your in-laws to suddenly start being more cold to you during the rest of the year, consider whether it's worth it to endure them for a week or for a year+.
I would agree that sucking it up once a year isn't too much to ask, if it were just a weekend trip. I don't think it's reasonable at all for your husband to expect you to put up with someone who is making you miserable in close quarters for a whole week, especially if you have limited vacation time.
Does his mom always behave like she did on the last trip? If so, that your husband doesn't see anything wrong with it is extremely troubling, and you need to have a more involved conversation about boundaries. He sees it as a free trip, but that's exactly the problem: your MIL carries on like she does because she knows people will feel obligated to put up with her because she's paying for everything. Sometimes what appears to be a very generous gesture is just a way for a person to treat others badly and exercise control over them.
In the future, your husband can go on the trip by himself if he wants to. If you don't feel comfortable skipping the trip altogether, the two of you can at least pay to have your own room. You also might want to consider joining the family for just a few days rather than staying the whole week (although this obviously won't be an option on a cruise).
First, I'd like to know how it came about that you went on this trip only TWO WEEKS after you got married. Did you go on a honeymoom first, or was this your "honeymoon"? If it's the latter and your DH insisted that regardless of just getting married, you "had" to go on this trip.... that should have been a huge warning to you about the level of importance of this trip.
Past that, I dont' agree w/ the idea that you send him off to go on this trip and you stay home. Occasionally, sure. But every year? Uh, no. You and he are married, you are a family now. That needs to take a priority, to be honest. And i'm with you, I would not want to spend one week of my vacation time every year going on a family vacation that I don't fully enjoy.
It's concerning to me that his priority isn't in spending his vacation time with you, and that your enjoyment of the trip doesn't matter.
I do think there is room for compromise. I wouldn't out and out say "no" to ever going again, but he needs to meet you and agree that going EVERY year isn't going to happen either.
It's a tradition, but tradition can and do change as circumstances change.
I will say - I think a cruise sounds MUCH better than a cabin. Easier to get away from people. As for sharing a cabin - this is a great place for your DH to compromise with you. You'll go, but you all have to spring for your own cabin.
But the bigger issue still is that he has to get it out of this head that this vacation (and in turn his family) takes priority over you and your wishes. There HAS to be room for compromise.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She really keeps pushing? "mom, again, I know you're upset, but this is our decision and I need to ask that you respect that. I'm not going to keep discussing this with you.".
You're DH needs to get it through his head NOW. He needs to learn NOW that this isn't about his parents, this is about YOU as his "family" now.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is going to sound extreme right now, but I'm going to tell you to take your time before having kids. You need to get some proof NOW that your DH will put you and your wants and needs first above his family. Because if you dont', having kids WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.
You say "once we have kids, this will end", but you have to realize that it will actaully become HARDER to end it because then the mantra from both your DH and his mom will be "the family is growing and now the grandkids and grandparents can spend a whole week together... why would you want to take that from them?".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If he insists on continuing with this tradition, I highly doubt he'll drop it without a fuss once you have kids. If anything, there will be more pressure to attend because your MIL will want to see her grandkids, especially since you don't live in the same state.
I get that your husband doesn't want to give up this vacation every year, but surely there is room for compromise. As ECB said, the two of you don't need to go EVERY year, and you can arrange for your own lodging so you don't have everyone else breathing down your necks. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Is it typical for him to disregard your feelings and refuse to work with you to make sure you're both reasonably happy?
Did you ever get to go on an actual honeymoon?
There are lots of ways to compromise and find a way that makes both you and dh happy. You could find a cruise that they take for a week and that you take for 3-4 days (then get off and spend time in a hotel at one of the ports).
You can insist on paying for your own cabin / hotel rooms when you vacation with them (so that MIL can't control you). If you can't afford to pay for your own vacation, you don't go. If you do agree to go this year (or any other year) I would put your foot down and say you are adults, and you will not be bunking with the younger brother.
You can also agree to try it every other year.
Quite frankly, there were times when I only had 2 weeks of vacation at work. There would be no FVCKING way that I would burn one week of my vacation having a bad time with someone who was bossing me around and being a PITA.
Also - didn't you say one brother doesn't always go? Or stepbrother? If that's the case, it really isn't a family tradition.
O.K., then, THIS is a problem. A big one. He's basically saying, "I don't care how you feel, I care about how my mother/family will feel."
You need to sit down with him ASAP and talk about this. It's fine for him to treasure a family tradition, and it's fine for him to ask you to make a compromise about it once in a while (like going on the trip but getting your own room/cabin, or only joining them for a few days) ... but for him to flat-out tell you that your feelings don't matter is a giant load of horseshiit.
well since he wants to go and you dont you need to figure out a compromise. perhaps you go every other year or only he goes. do you take any other vacays during the year?
as for the 'you may have to share a cabin' who made that decision? if you want to go pay for your own stateroom if oyu dont want to share. i dont see how this is an issue.
fwiw-dh and i are married 30 somethings and travel with our families quite often. age and marital status have nothing to do with who you travel with.
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i just went back and read the responses and saw this post from you. It seems to me that you BOTH have problems compromising. it doesnt matter how you were raised in this case since he was raised differently. you have to figure out what a good compromise for BOTH of you is-not just you going by what you were raised on and he doing the same. you'll always be at an impasse becuase it's opposite.
and you could've said 'no' to her when she said she was paying for thanksgiving food.
seems your DH has his priorities WAY out of whack. dont even think about kids yet
Thanks for all your input ladies! I really appreciate it. No, we never took a honeymoon. He's in the military and we live in a small town and I just graduated from college and have had a really hard time finding a job here, so financially we just haven't been able to swing it. We are not in any rush to have kids, but I agree we have things to work out before that happens!
Alithebride - We don't normally have issues compromising. I'm just having a hard time with this situation because I just feel like I'm not being heard! And I did tell her no about Thanksgiving, but she would not let it go and I was trying not to turn it into an argument...
So, you all keep saying that his priorities are out of whack and that he is too concerned with everyone else. I agree, but what do you suggest I say to him to try and make him see that he's doing this?! I just don't know what else to say to make him realize that he is behaving this way and that I'm not just overreacting!
I think this sounds like a nice family tradition, and if your H wants to keep doing it, he should be able to. However, you should not feel obligated to go along.
I guard my vacation time zealously and never really have enough, so I would NOT be willing to use a whole week of it on something that is not a good time.
A cruise, however, could be a much better experience. The ships are so large and you could go all day not seeing anyone except your H, and just meeting up for dinner (in theory, anyway, depends on your H and how pushy your MIL is). And, if she is paying, and you were to go, then you share the room. You and your H can pony up the $ to get your own room if you want.
So I guess the sticking point is that your H does not seem willing to go without you.
To be honest, if I were you, and it IS a cruise next time, I would consider giving it one more chance. Pay the difference for your own room though. If you do it again in this different way and it is still awful, never go again.
First of all, leave this whole "adults don't vacation with their families" thing out of your argument. That is just dumb and not true. Plenty of adults vacation with their families.
Second, the two of you need to talk calmly and rationally about this. Clearly this trip is important to your DH, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get any say. What about coming to a compromise of joining his family every other year?
Start by talking about what you agree on - that you want to have a good time on vacation, that you need to see his family, anyway.
Then talk about what the problems are. As much as you don't want to say his mom is a problem, she is. But try to make "I" statements - "I need my own private space," "I was unhappy on the last trip, and I do not want to waste another vacation being unhappy," "A family trip might be a tradition for YOU, but it's not a tradition for me. My tradition is to enjoy my vacations." Don't bring up what "WE" need to do ("We need to start our own traditions."). Just speak for yourself.
You also need to realize that you (alone) and you (you and dh) have more power than you realize. YOU (singular) can refuse to go on the trip. YOU can tell your H what you need for the trip to work ("I will only go on a three day trip with your family, so a cruise is out for me, unless we can disembark after three days and fly home," or "I will not share a cabin with anyone, so tell your mom that you will pay the difference for our own cabin, or else I won't go.").
You and your H together can also tell your MIL that you need X, Y, and Z for a vacation to include the two of you: "Sorry mom, I know the family trip is a cruise this year, but we can't schedule time for more than four days." "Mom, if our only choices is to share a room with BIL, then we will not go"). Your DH's inability to say "no," is giving MIL more power than she deserves.
Your MIL might be footing the bill, but it is YOUR time, and YOUR vacation. Not to be ungrateful, but your MIL is getting something out of your being on the trip. YOU (singular) are willing to walk away from that deal, so if a trip happens, it has to be on terms that work for you. If dh is willing to give up complete control so he can get a free trip, that's his choice, but he can't make that decision for the two of you. If he thinks it will "look bad," if you don't go on the trip, that his HIS problem, not yours.
As for Thanksgiving, if your MIL is bringing the groceries, then have the cash on hand to give her if she starts dictating the menu. Also, you need to realize that if YOU are hosting, YOU can make the mashed potatos your way. You also need to realize that groceries, although expensive, are no big deal. You can always buy the things you need, make dishes in advance of MILs arrival, and if she brings extra, you and DH can eat that food later or give it away. Or tell her "MIL, I already purchased most of the thing we need. Maybe you can just bring food for dinner the next night, when I don't feel like cooking."
ITA with all of this.
I could maybe see sucking it up once a year if we were talking about a weekend trip. But a full week every single year? That sounds like way too much, given the circumstances.
I would probably suck it up every other year or every three years. Just because you are married doesn't mean that all previous family traditions have to die.
You went last year, so I think it is more than reasonable for you and your husband not to go.
I do think your husband is being kinda douchey here and sounds like a bit of a mama's boy, you guys need to set some boundaries with his mom. Leave and cleave as they say! Shaking my head that you went on vacation right after you got married, that kinda set the tone for things to come unfortunately.
You could compromise:
- give the trip one more try, try to ignore her, try to have more fun, and call her on her crap when she gets rude our pouty.
-go every other year or less frequently than that. Don't rule out all vacations forever, but scale it back. Save your vacation time for you and your husband to spend time together. It's okay to turn down a free trip and save your vacation time for better things.
If your H is still insisting you have to go and refusing to set boundaries with his mom, you need to get into counseling, stat. Fix these problems early or else your marriage will suck for a long long time.
You both need to learn to say NO to her. It can be said nicely and respectfully. "Oh that is so nice of you to offer to pay for the groceries but you are our guest and we simply insist that it is our treat." Ask if she wants to make dinner another night or take you all out. I agree she is trying to control you guys through finances. She wants to look like they perfect mother, treating her family to a trip each year but using that as a license to treat everyone like sh!t while vacationing together.
really, this is, as they say, a "dh problem." your husband needs to grow up and get some balls.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
You both need to say "no" to her. I agree that maybe every other year - a one week trip is a LOT!
You can't be afraid of having an argument. That's how she "wins," - - she makes saying no such a hassle that you give in. It's your house, your meal, you buy the groceries. And I'm wondering what's going to happen - - is she going to ask you for a list and shop in your town, or is she going to bring stuff down from up North in her car? Learn to tell her "I really prefer to do it my way, thanks." If she starts an argument, tell her "clearly you can't talk about this now," and hang up. Also, don't worry if she is going to gossip or badmouth you if you aren't "nice," enough. She is probably bad-mouthing you already. It's just the way she is.
I also think that a lot of your expectations on what is 'supposed' to happen in life is WAY off because you're so young. leave yourself open for change and doing things even if it's not what you think that people do when they 'grow up'. you're not there yet.
also at this point in time it doesnt seemt aht you can afford your own vacay anyway and since you're not working there's no restriction on vacation time. i think mil was raelly just trying to be nice and inlcude you knowing that you're both very young and have not much $ (this is only based on what you wrote above-I have no idea of your financial status).
pay for your own rooms on the cruise and go and enjoy yourself or stay home. dh and i travel a TON with our families. we have an agreement-everyone does what they want to do. if you want to go on a snorkeling trip fine, go, if others go too-fine, but you're entitled to do what you'd like to do as it's your vacay too. if you want a day or night alone-tell everyone. you dont' have to be stuck to them 24/7. you're married and are entitled to alone time. youre also there with family which means you'll have to be with them sometimes too.
DH and I love our families very, very much, and they both have vacation "traditions." His family goes away for a week every year and my family has a campout in the backyard. We're there for a max of 20 hours. Even though its hokey and DH would rather stay home or go camping with his buddies, he's there. Because it means the world to me.
We don't go to his family's vacation. He doesn't care and neither of us can take a week off.
Can you comprimise by doing a weekend trip? Or DH spends the week and you go up on Friday and come home Sunday...
I get that you hate his mom. But you are saying "no trip ever." And he's saying "one week a year." You both have a little to give. I think you have to look at how much it means to him to have you there. I don't think you need to spend an entire week there, but I think that you have to be willing to spend time there.
Think about your future kids-- how will they feel if all their cousins get to go on a camping trip with Grandma and they don't get to?