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Am I wrong here?!
I feel like this is so black and white, but maybe I am wrong. Let me please have some advice. SO and I have been together for 2 years and talk about marriage in our future. We live 5 1/2 hours from his family and across the country from my very beloved family (I miss them so much!!). Last year for Thanksgiving, I had to work on that morning for a few hours and he insisted that he leaves for his family the night before. Leaving me to fend for myself and ultimately missing Thanksgiving dinner with his family. They were adament about having it at noon, I guess if it was my family they would plan around to extend it a few hours so he could be there to eat with us. We ended up getting me a flight for that day so that I could get there in time for dinner at noon. Well, this year I am on-call for work and simply cannot be 5 hours away. I can't be mad about it, it's just part of my job. I guess I would expect him to stay home with me and maybe we could do our own little Thanksgiving thing together so that I don't have to be alone. SO IS THIS WRONG OF ME? For him, it's out of the question, he is going to be with his family for the Thanksgiving weekend, stranding me alone in a town where I don't have many friends and zero family. It just breakst my heart... I understand the love of family and wanting to be with them, but what about me? I see my family 2 times a year! Plus, only a month later he will get to see his family again for Christmas. In a way, I feel like if he truly cared about me he would never want to leave me alone without friends or family on Thanksgiving.
Re: Am I wrong here?!
Actually, I think you are wrong.
You are upset about being far away from your family. That comes through clearly. His family lives close enough to drive for family events. Last year you guys were able to work something out so that you could join them for the meal. Expecting the entire family to rearrange with dinner plans for one person (especially a son's girlfriend of one year) is a bit ridiculous.
This year, YOUR job prevents YOU from going. Neither your BF or his family is doing anything to prevent you from having dinner with them. YOUR life is interfering. Put the shoe on the other foot. What if he had to work but you could go to your family? I bet that you would put your "very beloved family" first.
Thanksgiving is one day. He is not leaving you to drive yourself to the ER with an appendicitis -- he is going to have a turkey dinner with his family.
And when I was single, there was always someone holding an "Orphan Thanksgiving" for all of those people who couldn't go home for the holiday. It was always a great deal of fun.
Being so black and white (and more than a bit dramatic) will make life a lot easier for you.
Are you wrong for being upset? No. You are sad and lonely and that makes you upset. If I were you, I would pick my battles. He is going, that is the outcome no matter what. You are on-call so you can't go. You have to except what will be. Being mad at him about it isn't going to do anything for either of you. Secondly, don't mistake your homesickness with his capacity for caring. I am sure he doesn't want you to be alone on Thanksgiving, but he has to be there for his family, it is what they expect of him, it is what he expects of himself.
So start your own tradition. Be thankful for a good romantic movie and an entire bottle of Merlot! Sounds like a wonderful Thanksgiving to me!
That being said, I can completely empathize with how you feel. It is hard to be away from family!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
I don't think he's into you as much as you want him to be, and is nowhere near being ready to marry you. I'm not saying that he doesn't care about you or that he won't want to marry you someday - but not right now.
I'm going to take this a step further - has he been w/ his family for every major holiday since you've been together? If this weren't about you working but about wanting to see YOUR family, would he go w/ you? Or would he insist that he's going to see his family?
That's my concern about this. Because if it's "his family" or nothing, that's how it will be every year, every holiday from here on out. Marriage WILL NOT CHANGE THIS about him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I thought the same thing as ECB--this is a worrying trend that could spill over into marriage, where his family's desires trump everything else for holidays (and who knows what else).
I think it speaks volumes about where you place on his list of important things.
Since we have been together I have shared holidays with his family. He has never spent an actual holiday with mine, I usually go to his and then fly home to mine while he stays with his. This year, however, my family is doing Christmas get together New Years Eve weekend and he is planning to fly in for the weekend while I take the entire week off. I think it's great, because then we can both do Christmas at his family's. My family rearranged their plans so that he could join us. If it was a matter of only getting to be with one family over the holidays, he would not go to my family. We would be going our separate ways. But I have foregone seeing my family for a lot of holidays. My family loves him and is so welcoming of him. His family loves him and we cant find a thing to talk about with each other.
He isn't a bad guy... he is just selfish. And someone mentioned maybe he isn't as into me as I want him to be. And those have been my exact thoughts the last few months.
I'm scared... I thought I was going to marry him but the closer we get the more I question everything! I fantasize about moving back home someday and being with my family.
He may not be a "bad" guy, but being "just selfish" isn't an attribute. And if you're frustrated by this now... it WILL NOT GET BETTER once you get married.
You out and out admit that he won't come to your family for any holidays. Either you don't see your family, or you don't see him, or your family rearranges the entire holiday for HIM (barring work issues, that is).
REALLY!?!?!?!
If he really loved you, making you happy would be important to him. Finding a balance between the two familes would be important to him. Being WITH YOU would be important to him.
But nope. That's not what is going on here. What's going on is that he wants to be with HIS family and what you or your family want doesn't matter. It's his way or no way.... His wants get met. Your wants get met only if they are convienent for him.
You want to claim he isn't a "bad guy", but I wonder in what other areas of your life this immensely selfish behavior comes through. I really doubt this is the ONLY issue.
And your dream of eventually moving closer to your family - it will never ever ever happen if you stay with him. Never. Realize that now.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE. And you have a say in how it goes. Stay with him and always come in 2nd place, or break free and do what YOU want (hey, maybe move back home!!) and eventually find a guy who isn't selfish.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sounds like maybe you know the answer for yourself....and it is not just about this coming Thanksgiving.
However, I was with my husband 4 years before we got engaged...I never did a holiday at his home and never wanted to. I wasnt married, it wasnt a battle I felt the need to fight yet. When we were engaged, I offered him the option to part ways or do an adapted version of holiday scheduling (it was more kind to my side of the family) - again, not a battle I felt the need to fight yet. You said you knew the choice to go to your family's house for a holiday or to part ways would always lead to going separate ways, so why does it surprise you that he is going his separate way?
We got married, us parting ways on holidays didnt mean we were bound to fail. Now, I have Thanksgiving day with his family. We do Christmas eve and morning with mine and then make the drive to his family for Christmas dinner and a couple days, we hosted Easter for both families. I dont like sharing holidays and would prefer we all (both families) just did them together, but of course nobody is that keen on that idea. Holidays are usually full of tradition and nobody wants to break tradition.
Honestly, I don't think you are wrong at all. It's not right to leave you by yourself on a holiday. It would be different if you had people to spend the day with. This is one of the things you are going to think seriously about if you want to get married.
Just curious, you say you?re on call that day so you can?t be five hours away. What would happen if you happened to actually be at work during Thanksgiving? Since you can?t be 5 hours away, I would suspect you don?t take phone call only. You don?t know, it could be a crazy busy day and you could have to work most of it. If that was the case, wouldn?t you have asked him to stay home all by himself? Your asking him to miss a family holiday in case your are able to spend it with him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thats the worst part. With my job it's mostly likely I won't be called in. And if I do, I treat cancer patients and it takes about 20-30 minutes. I might be called in once, but any more than that is very unlikely.
C'mon now, be honest - do you really think this is a "great" compromise? Really?
So your family will forever rearrange their holiday schedule to suit him? How long before ALL of you begin to resent the hell out of him for it?
Your boyfriend sounds like my BIL - and my parents have spent the last 10+ years bending over backwards to accomodate my sister and her husband because of it. He (and now my sister) HAVEHAVEHAVE to spend every holiday with his family. Yes, a holiday is just a day and you can always celebrate on another day...........but I got sick and effing tired of reworking my schedule every year because of them. So I quit. I haven't celebrated a holiday with my sister in a long time because of it. And at this point, I don't care.
I'm just saying - his selfishness and inability to be flexible will likely wear on you and doesn''t speak highly to his being a great partner.
Please.... stop excusing his selfishness and realize he's a douche.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
He isn't a bad guy... he is just selfish.
he isn't as into me as I want him to be
enough said!
You have him all year long, I don't think missing one day will hurt, specially if he is going to visit HIS FAMILY. I would be SO MAD if he go to a friend's house or somewhere else... but to visit his family?.... you are not his family yet.
Before getting married I always put my family BEFORE him. Of course, I always tried to work things out, but he was not my family. Now he is, and now he comes BEFORE my parents. But still, when families live far away, you need to be flexible. I am sure that if DH has to work during thanksgiving, he would be more than happy to let me go and visit my family who I see once or twice a year. (I would do the same for him).
Um, yeah, this. What an assh*le. And a hearty wtf to those of you who think that leaving a SO all alone on a holiday to crawl back up into the womb is a totally okay thing to do.
Um, yeah, this. What an assh*le. And a hearty wtf to those of you who think that leaving a SO all alone on a holiday to crawl back up into the womb is a totally okay thing to do.
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Um, yeah, this. What an assh*le. And a hearty wtf to those of you who think that leaving a SO all alone on a holiday to crawl back up into the womb is a totally okay thing to do.
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Attending a traditional family Thanksgiving Dinner is equivalent to crawling back into the womb? WOW. Some people are different. I was shocked to read how upset some of the women on this board would be about it when it wouldn't be something to phase me at all, but I chalked it up to difference. You're just being inflammatory.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
If Thanksgiving is that important to him and your family is too far to fly to them each year, why don't you ask him to come home on Friday or Saturday morning so you can have a special Thanksgiving meal just the two of you. I never spend Thanksgiving with my family. That was the day we spend with ex's family. His family all gets together for Thanksgiving and then goes their different ways on Christmas. So my family started doing Thanksgiving on Saturday. Even post-divorce we do this, so that my ds can have a "Thanksgiving" with both parts of his family. If you guys are planning to marry one day, you need to talk about holidays and how you will handle them long-term -- and defaulting to your dh's family's plans is not really a long-term solution.
I have been with my bf now for about a year and we have already started talking about holidays and how we will celebrate them. Thanksgiving is easy since my family does it on Saturday. For Christmas, ds is with his dad on Christmas Eve so I will go to bf's family's Christmas Eve. Then come home to be with ds on Christmas morning and then bf will come to my house on the night of Christmas so he can have Christmas morning with his parents and still see my family at some point.
You don't have to spend every second of the holiday with each other, but you do have to come to an agreement you are both happy with. He doesn't seem to want to budge and you/your family are doing all the compromising. That's the issue here in my opinion.
Not giving a damn that your SO is sad and alone on a holiday isn't just a difference - it's a difference between jerk and decent person.
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Not giving a damn that your SO is sad and alone on a holiday isn't just a difference - it's a difference between jerk and decent person.
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Attending a family holiday alone, and not giving a damn about your SO are not jointly exhaustive.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
Well we talked about the issue last night... we talked about a lot of stuff but this definitely came up. It was a good talk... he said he understands how I feel and he brought up that if the situation was flipped he would want me to leave him home and go with my family. And I believe he would. I just said that the way it makes me feel is that he doesn't care about me. He said he understands how I could feel that way and that he wouldn't go. Well he is going... it wouldn't be enjoyable if I ""forced"" him to stay here anyways so I said no just go. It felt good to talk about it and I guess it's just a difference we have. He also said that before he knew that my family rearranged their holiday plans that he called his mother and told her that he probably wouldn't be there for Christmas and that he would be going to Wisconsin with me.
We are going to try to lead with love from now on and feed off of positive energy instead of negative energy. I think that when one of us makes the other angry then we keep on a negative path and it just escalates. We need to resolve one issue, forgive/forget and move on. I feel better and really really appreciate all of the advice. It was good to see people having all different opinions. I love this board
I am happy to hear that you two talked about it and that you are feeling better about the situation. Again, I am sorry you have to alone on Thanksgiving but I am sure you will make the best of it.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
karlee, i think you should not get yourself so twisted up with doubt about this. he jsut loves his family as much as you love your family. so first, did you move there to be with him? that makes a big difference. secondly, have yall talked about marriage at all yet? if you have not.. i say let it go! if you have, great!
then you should be able to sit down and talk to him about how you feel, tell him that you are concerned for the future and that this looks like an issue that a comprimise will need to be reached, for all future holidays. what will holidays be like once you have children?
in short, i think you should jsut flat out ask him where you stand... but mostly, you should just talk to your guy about it, not some strangers. and approach it from comprimise angle, not the "you hurt my feelings" angle. LOL that will just put him on the defensive.
good luck. hope you work something out.
Thanks! As I said, we did talk about everything and I let him know how hurt I was. He responded very well and we had an awesome talk.
I'm here for support, not to avoid talking to him by talking with "strangers". Isn't that why you're here too?? I'm pretty sure it is since I read and commented on your last vent.