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Step daughter cosleeping
A quick summary. I have been living with my SO for almost 2 years. He has full custody of his 6 year old daughter. She can be a lot to handle at times, temper tantrums, shutting down, she pretty much has the atitude that she knows she runs the show.
Although not biologically, I am her mother. I do everything for her as a mother would and I mean EVERYTHING. I love her as my own and give her tons of attention, run errands, tuck her in at night, homework, you name it.
My concern lies in the fact that lately I feel that she has been coming in between him and I. We can't hug or be even sitting on the couch together without her pushing her way in between us. It sounds cute and it is but it's almost as if she's playing a control game. This is gonna sound immature but now it's to the point that he spends more time cuddling in bed with her than me.
She hangs all over me constantly to the point that her grandmother yells " she's not your jungle gym!" and people with kids even comment that it's ridiculous, "how do you deal with that?"
This child is extremely loved and has no reason to be needy. We constantly play with her together, as a family, him, her and I.
I am a light sleeper with a hectic schedule. Work full time, an hour commute, grad classes till 10:45 PM ect. I need sleep. She wakes us up 6 am on weekends and tries her hardest to wake us up. During the week she wanders into out bed, stepping on the dog, making a ruckus, atleast twice a night, lastnight it was at midnight and then again at 2. I can't deal with her in the bed. She sleeps sprawled out all over, sideways, grinds her teeth...it's impossible to sleep next to her. I can see once in a while, kids have bad dreams ect but not every night.
I mentioned something to him this morning, that it's got to stop. I dont mind if she crawls into bed on the weekend for some morning cuddling at a reasonable hour, not with the intention of getting us out of bed. However, during the week is a major problem for me.
I feel guilty feeling this way. I need a little input on how to handle this.
Re: Step daughter cosleeping
It feels like she's running the show because she IS running the show. Kids aren't stupid. They'll try different tactics to see what works, and once they find something that works they'll stick to it. She's got your and your SO pegged. Is her bio mom in the picture? If so, does Bio Mom allow her to get away with all this crap?
WTF do you do when she climbs all over you like a jungle gym? Just allow it? Or do you set her down and tell her to keep her hands to herself? Why are you letting a child manipulate you? YOU'RE the adult. Tell her what to do. Stop being afraid of her. And if she climbs into bed at night, you march her back to her room and tell her to sleep in her own bed. As often as needed.
She's getting away with all this B.S. because SO allows her to. And you're letting her get away with it as well, if you and SO have agreed that this is a long-term relationship and you're now a mother figure to her. Kids crave discipline and routine, so the sooner you put your foot down and set a normal routine, the sooner she'll catch on. It's not a matter of her thinking that you guys don't love her ... she knows that she can get what she wants by misbehaving and throwing tantrums. Again, she's not stupid ... she's probably the smartest person in this situation, in fact, because she knows exactly how to play you.
You need to sit down with SO and lay it on the line ... if you guys have talked about a future together and if you're in agreement that you're a parental figure to this kid, then you both need to start disciplining her. Otherwise she's going to be a bratty little monster that terrorizes everyone and makes your lives miserable. And if you want to stay in this relationship, then I would strongly suggest that this be the sticking point. SO needs to make a committed effort to training this kid to behave, otherwise I would reconsider your relationship.
It's been a rollercoaster. We had a long much needed talk and have agreed to work on things. He pretty much took back what he said saying it was out of anger.
He agreed to go to therapy ( after all this at this point I am too). We split up for about a week, he approached me apologizing. I stood my ground that I will give him a few months to figure it out. He said this is what he wants, he wants us to work and to have a future and settle down. I made it clear that I will get back with him under certain conditions, therapy being one, couple concilling and if things turn around a comittment. It;s only been a little time but things do seem to be looking up.
If your relationship is a roller coaster, it's not working, and this instability is not good for his daughter. Has he stepped up to the plate and actually started doing his fair share of the parenting of HIS child instead of expecting you to do everything with her? I'm guessing a lot of her acting up is a desperate cry for attention from daddy, who always seems too eager to dump her on everyone else while he does his own thing.
Counseling isn't going to turn him into a completely different person. I'm guessing the improvement you're seeing will be short-lived. I hope you have enough respect for yourself to leave in a timely fashion when he reverts to his old ways.
Time to put your foot down and enforce boundaries or you're going to end up with a teenaged spoiled brat.
He does spend a lot of time with her and has been doing a lot more with her. You're right though, I feel as though that's exactly what it was. He lived with his mother and sister who did everything for him. Spoiled the hell out of her while he was away on buisness trips once a month.
I made myself very clear when he proposed we'd try again, what I will not stand for and what I expect from him and this relationship. And yes if things do go back to the way they were I'm leaving.
Sounds like (a) he's afraid of his daughter disliking him if he's not her constant buddy (rather than run the risk of making her mad by disciplining her), and (b) he's a lazy man-child who is used to having everything done for him.
a) He needs to realize that his kid isn't going to hate him if he enforces the rules. He can still be her buddy and treat her to nice things once in a while, but he still needs to make sure she behaves. He's not doing her any favors to let her grow up to be a brat ... nobody's going to like her or want to be around her if she acts that way. And she needs to learn that treats need to be EARNED with good behavior, chores, etc., not just whenever she asks for them.
b) Once someone's an adult and has lived like this for a long time, it's going to be REALLY hard for them to change. If he's made this promise before and hasn't lived up to it, then I wouldn't really count on him fulfilling it this time around. You need to decide if you can live with that, or if you want to cut your losses and find a better situation for yourself. You can certainly make a change in this situation by better disciplining this kid yourself, but if her dad's not on board then there's only so much you can do, and it's not fair that you'll always have to be the bad guy.
It just sounds like things have never been all that great in this relationship, so I don't know why you would expect it to change two years in. You mentioned in your other post that several people have warned you that he always wants what he doesn't have, and then once he gets it he takes it for granted. That's what he's doing with this nonsense right now. He pours his heart out and promises to go to counseling and do enough just to reel you back in.
If he honestly loved you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't have told you out of anger that he didn't love you and then broken up with you. That's just a really $hitty way to treat someone, but you took him right back when he changed his mind a few days later. That's why I have little faith that his recent turnaround is genuine- you've shown him more than once that he can treat you badly and you'll stick around to have sex with him, put a roof over his head, and play surrogate mommy to his daughter.
You come off like you are trying to figure out a way to get her permission to get her out of your bed. You have all these reasons, you're falling all over yourself with justifcations.
You're the parent. If you don't want her in your bed, do the hard work to get her out. If she nudges herself where she doesn't belong, correct her. Teach her propper behavior and follow-through. Yeah, know, parent.
And I don't mean to be harsh but being her father's live-in girlfriend who does everything for his daughter does not make you her mother. I don't know you, but you may be overindulging her becuase you know that.
What does her dad ignore? The fact that she wouldn't share like she was told to do, or does he ignore her when she's screaming over being sent to her room?
If he/you tell her to do something and she doesn't, and he doesn't follow through, then all he's doing is saying to her clear as day, "You don't have to listen to me. You can do what you want." Reinforcing the rule that HE set is not giving her "negative attention."
If you mean that he punishes her and she screams and he ignores her, GOOD. She'll learn that screaming will not get her what she wants. Once she sees that screaming gets her nothing, she'll stop. You just have to deal with it for a while. What are you doing when she screams ... are you ignoring her, or going up to comfort her?
This is where you need to sit down with your SO and hash out what your relationship is all about. If you're in it for the long haul and plan to get married or be lifelong partners, then you ARE a parental figure to her and she needs to respect you.
If you're just the live-in girlfriend and he's got no plans to make it official, though, then why are you even involved in all this? And why SHOULD your SO change his ways now? He's got someone living with him to take care of his needs and look after his bratty kid, he doesn't have to discipline his kid, he denies you the parental title, and he doesn't have to make the commitment. Sounds like a win-win situation for him. And it sounds like his daughter is taking right after him. They both know how to manipulate you into giving them what they want.
Suppose to be in it for the long haul. The reason for my post a few weeks ago was because we've been having a hard time and that I had brought up the fact that we were suppose to be engaged already. He was floored saying that our time line has been changed due to us not getting along and having problems and that getting engaged weren't going to fix those problems. He doesn't want to be pressured into it especial under our circumstances ( even though we agreed in the beginning of our relationship that we would be by now) He broke up with me over it. Then a week later apologized and wanted to work on things again.
I understand the whole engagement won't fix things. But it's a little rough trying to work through things without a commitment which is what my issue with the whole situation stands. I signed him in on my house, I parent his daughter, I am living as a wife and mother without the title. As I said I'm giving him a little time. He is going to therapy, we are working on it. If things do improve I'm expecting a commitment and that's it. If he can't than there's no future in this for me and at least I can say we tried. But I do want things to work. I want to be a good parental figure for her and break her out of these manipulative ways.
I signed him in on my house, I parent his daughter, I am living as a wife and mother without the title. As I said I'm giving him a little time.
I can understand that you want to give him a chance, since he's going to therapy and says he's making an effort ...
But with the portion highlighted above, it sounds like he's already got it made in the shade. So I would really think about what he's promising you and think about whether he's really committed to making this work, or if he's doing these things simply to shut you up and keep the status quo.
On another note, I'm floored that the house is yours and you're letting the kid live there and you think you don't have a say in how she behaves. Even if you're not a mother figure to her, you have a 100% right to say, "We don't act like that in this house."
So he co-owns the house you bought? FFS. I was going to advise you to move out while you are working through this so he actually has to parent/manage his house.
You said it--you are living as a wife & mother without the title. A PP nailed it--the daughter is treating you with the same disregard her father has so consistently modeled. Consider this a preview of married life with this dude. A wedidng ring isn't going to improve this situation (no matter how much he promises to work on things). You need to seriously do some soul-searching and decide if this is what you want your future to be.
You've been given good advice regarding the hurdles your facing so I just wanted to make a suggestion regarding the sleeping issue.
I was a thrasher when I slept when I was little too and my step-dad is a light sleeper. He and my mom also didn't want me in the habit of sleeping in their bed so their solution was if I had a bad dream or was scared I could bring my pillows and my blanket into their room and sleep on the floor (carpeted) and my mom would always rub my head or hold my hand until I fell asleep. It seemed to work out fine; everyone got what they needed out of the situation. It might be something to try.
I'm not quite getting what the problem is, then. You say that he disciplines her when he sees her doing something wrong, and you discipline her when you see her doing something wrong ... so why does she still behave so badly? If the two of you regularly correct her bad behavior and you stick with it, then she should be used to the routine by now.
Is the issue that your SO expects you to do things with her like feed her, help with homework and put her to bed, and he's only interested in playing with her? Is the issue that your SO is telling you not to discipline her? You're kind of all over the place here and I'm not really following you.
that's a great idea, thanks! I'm going to propose it to him. It's usually her way or the highway, I'm sure it'll be a battle but I'm drawing the line and making sure he's on board...
It's more that to be frank she is "up my ass" (which is one thing that I just recently told him needs to stop and not only me but he needs to call her out on it.)
Since she follows me around literally everywhere he doesn't always get to see the things she does so he's not there to correct her I feel, as much as I am. However, for the most part, when she does exhibit really bad behavior and he's there , yes he does correct her.
I just feel like he can put his foot down with her a lot more than he does in general. Like the example earlier about her not sharing, he did nothing. He watched and continued a conversation with his brother-in-law as I dealt with the situation.
It's not so much that he's not telling me not to discipline her. It's just that I do not want to overstep any boundaries. But like what was stated, it is my house! The other day she refused to get off the floor to take a bath. I literally picked he up as she struggled, and threw her in the tub.
I'd just like to point out that you are not his wife and you are not her mother.
They are not just titles.
They are real commitments including legal and finacial and everything else. It's not just something you say to each other,its something you say to the whole community, something you record for governement, sometimes even as a religious observance. It makes you legally responsible for the other person (espcially with children) and it holds you legally accountable when you fail to honor the commitment you promised publicly. The fact that you are acting in the role without all of the rest means you don't have all the rest. You wouln't even be allowed to make medical decisions if either of them fell ill. You wouldn't inherit anything if SO died. You wouldn't even be able to keep the child if SO died.
I am going to be honest, for some reason, you lost me here. Maybe she isn't getting something that she needs.... just because she is loved and adored doesn't mean she is getting everything she needs.
Go to the steptogether.org website and read their essay on disengagement. Basically, it says that it's not your job (even if you were married to your SO) to ensure that she plays nicely, that she shares, to drive her to school. She's not your kid, and if she needs something, your SO needs to ask on your behalf so HE realizes what is being asked of you.
As for the co-sleeping, I would tell your SO that she is not allowed in your bed. Period. If he wants to go to her bed, he is more than welcome, but she is not allowed in your bedroom. It is your sanctuary, where you get away from it all.
I'm not sure what the housing situation is. Did you allow him to LIVE in your house, or were you foolish to put his name ON the house? I hope it is the former. You can always tell him he needs to move himself and his dd out of your house until he is ready to make a committment. Especially if you feel you need your space, you'll find a lot more space if your SO and his dd are not living with you.
FWIW, my dd can be very clingy. She is growing up, and is sometimes too independent for my taste, but sometimes too clingy.
I'm just a lurker, but this thread caught my eye. I was also thinking the same thing that I just quoted. Being that the little girl seems to constantly want to be around you, perhaps she is just dealing with a fear of losing you in the only way she can think of at that age? Regardless, if the cosleeping situation is becoming a problem, it does need to be dealt with, with both you and the little girl's father on the same page.
Also, OP, it concerns me that this man does not seem to WANT to commit in a legal, binding way. Of course, I don't know the whole story, but if I were you, I would think about whether I really wanted a forced commitment out of someone. Don't you deserve to get a proposal from a man that truly WANTS to propose, because he sees the future with you and does not view committing as responding to an ultimatum? Perhaps it is a little idealistic of me, but I hope you know that you deserve to be with someone who wants to commit to you, rather than someone who is committing just to keep all of the multiple benefits it already seems he'd getting from you (living in your house, help raising his daughter, etc.) Good luck to you with all aspects of this.
If you had said to him, "your daughter is not sharing, can you please deal with this?" what would he have done? I bet nothing. THIS is your problem. You are afraid to do too much "correcting" because of him, not because of the daughter or because you're "not the mom" (which is irrelevant, by the way. People other than the mom are responsible for a child's uprbinging and discipline, particularly in your case). The sooner you realize what the actual issue is here and address it (he's not an active enough participant in his realtionship with you or his daughter... which is why he has you giving him ultimatums and his daughter gets all of her attention by hanging all over you), then you have no chance of making this work in the way you want. Sure, you can look the other way and suck it up like his mom does and pretend everything is fine, but it won't be what you claim to be looking for right now. Run.