Family Matters
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Step daughter cosleeping
You don't want her to wake her parents up at 6 am?
What do you want her to do from 6am until whenever you decide to get up? Is she supposed to make herself breakfast? I wouldn't be able to sleep not knowing what my kid was getting into for hours at a time. That's asking for trouble.
Out of all this that's what you focused on? I understand you completely. What I was getting at is that she wakes up every sat and sun morning at quite literally 6 am. It's a little much after a while. Her room is 5 feet away from us. It's not like she's two years old. She can play for a little 5 feet away from us. Even if she wanted to sneak into bed and cuddle with us on the weekend, just it's too much for her to sleep in our bed during the week. We usually put on cartoons on the tv in her room....she can play...she's not a toddler.....
So here's some questions for you....Are you a step parent? Of a six year old? Do you put in 60 hour work weeks up at 5am mon-fri? How would you handle it?
I am a parent of a six-year-old (not a stepparent). Sorry to point out the obvious, but you are not a step-parent either. A step-parent is someone married to the parent. That is not the case with you.
You are over-parenting this girl. Step back and let her dad be the parent. If her dad is 2 feet away and she is not sharing, then that is his problem. He had no problem with her being selfish. The father of the cousin had no problem with it (or was not going to suggest his daughter find another toy). There was NO reason for you to teach her manners when her dad is standing right there and doing nothing. Your SO should always be in charge when he is there. You are certainly in your rights to say "in this house, we don't....jump on the furniture, scream at the dinner table, etc." - - but it's his role to teach her to play nicely. If you want, you can say "John, are you going to teach your daughter to play nicely with her cousin, or does that not matter to you?" and see what he does.
My kids do not sleep in my bed and haven't for years (since they turned 2!). They have their own rooms and their own beds. If they wake in the middle of the night (rarely), I go to their bed until they are sleeping again, then I return to my room. When my kids wake up, they ask me if they can have breakfast. If I don't feel like getting up, I tell hem "not now," or ask H if he will make it.
If your SO's daughter wakes up in the middle of the night, HE can bring her back to her room, and sleep on the floor (or in her bed if it is big enough) until she is fine. YOU get your sleep. HIS daughter, HIS job. He might need to go to work in the morning, too, but HE is the one with the child.
If this is YOUR house, you get to make the rules. And since it is HIS daughter, HE is the one with the responsibility. You can be "disney girlfriend" if you want. Let him be the bad guy, the disciplinarian - unless your house is in danger of being ruined or she is spoiling your mealtime with a temper tantrum.
The real solution for you is to throw this fish (SO) back into the ocean. Yes, it is hard when you have become attached to the child, but do yourself a favor and get out of this nowhere-relationship with the man-child.
This was my immediate thought, as well.
It sounds like her life has been quite topsy turvy and she's probably not very secure feeling. People come and go in her life and hand her around.. it's not really that strange that she's very clingy and needy.
lol Seriously? I'm a single parent. Of an 11 y/o and have been his entire life. I didn't expect him to amuse himself for hours or wake up and go back to sleep (i.e. come cuddle with me in bed). And, yes, as a single parent I have to work. Full-time even. I already told you how I would handle it. I would ensure my kid didn't have the run of the house until I decided I was rested enough to take care of him.
You're the one throwing this pity party for yourself, I didn't come on here complaining that a child wakes me up so I can't sleep. However, as a PP stated, you're not even a step at this point so remove yourself from the situation if it bothers you that much. To answer your other questions (not that I think you deserve it, but clearly you think you and your SO are the only people who work FT and have kids ???) Yes, I have him 100% of the time. No, he doesn't see his father. No, I didn't shack up with other people to get "help". No, I don't live around other family members. I hardly think I am mother of the year material for not letting my child have the run of the house and preparing breakfast for him - when he was younger. He's 11 now, so, yes, he does make himself breakfast at this point.
A little kid following you around isn't exclusive to being a step-parent, a single parent, the girlfriend of a parent, working 60+ hours a week, being tired, the other parent being a deadbeat, etc. This is what kids do.
If you want a future with this guy, you need to accept the fact that he and his daughter are a package deal. If you don't want to be a parent, especially to someone else's partly-grown kid, then you have some serious thinking to do. It's fine to not want to be a parent or to only be a parent when you're ready, but that's not going to happen if you plan to marry this guy or be his long-term partner. The kid's not going anywhere.
What happened to the child's mother?
Perhaps she is clingy and acts out because it is her way of dealing with a fear of being abandoned by you?
Presumably, you have "help," as well - - the childs FATHER lives in the same home as you. You may feel as if you are parenting all on your own, but her actual PARENT is in the picture, living in the house!
If you need a break, tell your SO that he needs to take his daughter out for the day - - to the zoo, to the park, teach her how to ride a bike, etc.