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Back again
I've read some of your posts from yesterday. And I know you guys don't agree - but Ticosparents was exactly right.
I've got so many deep rooted issues right now I can't even blame him for wanting out. Only thing is - it took this to open my eyes.
If he wouldn't have saved that money for us & IF I had access at the time - it wouldn't be there right now. I never even gave him a chance to be a partner to me. I shut him out about the money issues right from the get go. He's done nothing but try to help me. When I came into this marriage I had between $10,000 & $12,000 in debt. He helped me get out of that. I had these problems before we were married and my parents had to bail me out. That is why he talked to my dad about it. I'm glad he talked to him about it, he needed to, because I wasn't going to surrender that information to him.
I can tell that alot of you have gone thru marriages & relationships where the guy has been a douche, and they've done this or that, but truthfully he hasn't. There have been times that, yes, he's said things he shouldn't have but so have I.
I am in such serious need of counseling. But at least I'm able to come to terms with what's going on with me. My money issues - they're still there. I know I can't go thru life like this. Also, I was never a partner in this marriage and I know he tried to help me be. I KNOW that. I wasn't facing or surrendering all the truths before when I first posted. I really wasn't.
Our housekeeping issues - he did do a bunch around the house, but a lot of times until he got mad that I wasn't pulling my part - I didn't. It was shared, it wasn't all on me. I could've made all the excuses in the world as to why this is like this or why that is like that, but truth of the matter is - I did this, I screwed up. I would just get mad and think I was right he was wrong and saw everything from my point of view. He'd given me so many chances to help me, but I just ignored it.
In the end - it just took this to finally open my eyes and deal with all my issues.
Re: Back again
Oh yeah and the hiding of bills & financial stuff whenever I got in trouble financially. I did that with my parents too. Do you see why he talked to my dad? I wasn't upfront at the beginning of our marriage. I'm actually jealous of husbands & wives that could be an open book with each other when it comes to finances. My husband was an open book with me, but I couldn't extend that same curtiosy back to him. All because of who I was living with my parents and never getting help for it back then. This marriage could've been SO different.
If we have to hire a lawyer - we will. But I think we are going to have be fair about this, otherwise we both won't end up with anything. My family is going to be there for me and if they see anything wrong they'll speak up. I've got 6-older siblings, and they are all savers. Whatever happened to me that I'm not like that I wish I knew.
You need to not make any judgements about yourself or him until you get and have been in therapy for an extended amount of time. You agree with Tico because she's saying what your H has been telling you and reinforcing by his behavior for more than 5 years.
And shiit, 10-12k really isn't that much debt. I mean it's not peanuts but how much debt did he think you have? And where did that debt come from? I guess it depends on how you acquired that debt that makes the difference. If you wracked up 12k on shoes, then yeah, that's a lot. But if we're talking some student loans, car debt, etc then really.
I'm sure you contributed but I guarantee you it's next to impossible that he's some kind of superhero who rushed in to save a fuckwit who was undeserving of his love and partnership.
Click me, click me!
The $10K-$12K was from a personal loan I took out when I didn't have enough money to live at the means I was living before I even met my H. It was one of those kinds of loans where the interest is so outrageous that you've borrowed like $8,000 and end up having to pay $18,000. I should've never taken it out. At the time I thought I had to - but I could've very easily asked my dad for a loan instead. I just had to much pride or stupidity or whatever you want to call it. I do know I'll never do that again. I've NEVER managed my money wisely and I KNOW I need to see some sort of financial counselor from here on out.
The thing that Tico & my H is saying - it might sound harsh - and it might sound one sided - but it is totally true. I know what I did. I knew what I was doing when I was doing it! It's the facts and as much as I want to I cannot dispute the facts. I believe that a person can only take so much of that before he has to throw up his hands and say ENOUGH! I didn't sign up for this! Which is where H is now.
I honestly think this is the first step with me - I'm admitting it and I'm wanting to get help.
Dude, a lawyer cannot represent both of your interests. You have to get separate counsel.
FWIW, the mature, non-condescending thing for your H to have done was to sit you down and confront you with the debt when he found it. Then he should have proposed a plan for tackling that debt and being more open with each other. Yes, you should have told him but that didn't give him leave to treat you like a teenager who had stolen their parents' credit card to finance a houseparty while they were on vacation.
I don't care what you did or how you handled it. You are and always have been an adult. You are his wife and his partner. If he didn't want to deal with your debt when he found out, he should have bounced and call it a day. But when he chose to stay, he should have chosen to treat you like an equal, not the bumass baby brother who stole his checks.
You guys could have worked out a budget together, paid for things together, even allocated the debts and household expenses more fairly. Instead, he cut you off at the pass and I find that unacceptable.
This doesn't mean you get off scotfree but he isn't the saint you're making him out to be either. It sounds to me like he used that debt to manipulate you and perpetuate the idea that you're better than he is.
Can I ask you about yours and his backgrounds? Who paid for college for each of you? What kind of homes did you come from? Are you both from the same socio-economic background? What about your respective job histories?
Click me, click me!
Oh lord, honey, don't you know that's fairly normal for a young dumb kid? Shiit, if my H held the stupid shiit I did against me, financial or otherwise, I'd be lucky he let me have some cake and $20 now and then.
I don't understand why you feel so much shame over silly mistakes.
In any case, what kind of means? Are we talking a Carrie Bradshaw shoe budget or basic living expenses. You're going to have to be more specific. Well, you don't have to but you get what I mean. It's possible you bear a whole lot of blame here but IDK.
Click me, click me!
Click me, click me!
HS is right. Your H is no saint. Yes, you should have been honest about your financial situation coming in. However, he has handled it very poorly. It was never right for him to talk to your dad. This was between you and your H. Your dad had no place in it. It sounds like your H has been punishing you ever since he found out about this debt and that's not fair. I'm not sure why you've accepted that.
Please go to counseling.
How are you going to handle your finances on your own? There are lots of books out there that have helpful worksheets and tools. Maybe Dave Ramsey would be a good place to start?
He did want me to be open about it. I was the person that wasn't. I think I'm that kind of person who has to make it appear as though everything is fine, but it's really not. I figure as long as someone doesn't see the problem it's not there (my thinking not DH's).
And it's not as though I didn't fight - I did - but at the same time I didn't own up to the facts about what I did. I just kept burying it and burying it just because I didn't want him to be disappointed in me. I mean who does this sh!t! I'm like the little kid who spills ink on the carpet but throws a rug over it so no one sees. The ink is still there - just because you threw a rug over it doesn't mean it went away.
As far as him & my dad - I still had debt with my dad at the time. H was just trying to see if my dad would let it go - then all this stuff came out about me. My dad thought that H had a right to know.
::sigh::
Just get some therapy.
Click me, click me!
I couldn't agree more - I need it now more than ever.
No, the ink does not go away, but the kid is forgiven and trusted with ink again in the future.
Yeah, sure.
Click me, click me!
OP- I can see that you are only going to hear what you want to hear.
You are so mired in this belief that you are this dumbarse kid & your husband was such a saint to take you in to save you from yourself. Really? Everyone makes mistakes. Life is a learning curve and if you never make a mistake in it then you will never learn anything valuable. Period.
You are actively feeding into the tape-recorded messages your husband has played for you over the course of your marriage. I am guessing there is some cultural influence there (shame, guilty, unworthiness) too. If you are so bent on believing that you are the naughty child in need of some ground rules then there is nothing we can say to change that. You need the help of a professional ASAP. I can promise you if they hear the type of things that we are hearing they will redirect you.
As HS said, you are & always have been a capable adult. It is only the mental brainwashing from your H that has convinced you that you are incapable of functioning without his benevolent guidance (insert big eye roll here). He gets off on managing you, & treating you like a small child. So you made mistakes? Big fvcking deal. No, you should not have hid the debt, but you did & he found it. You owned up to the mistake.
Instead of working WITH you (as an equal partner, & adult) your husband treated you like an imbecile. Do you want that? I get this feeling that you like to be taken care of & you don't care how much of yourself you sacrifice so that you don't have to take care of yourself. You would rather be dishonored, disrespected & treated like an idiot than face the big bad world by yourself. That's pretty messed up and people are trying to tell you that. You are refusing to see it.
Nothing else we can do.
You agree with that Tic-whateverherfaceis because she proposes the safe solution where you will be taken care of. You want that & have this warped sense that you aren't capable because that is what your H wants you to think so he can get you to rely on him because he gets off on it.
Get therapy for yourself individually.
Retain TWO lawyers.
Quit telling us that you think that other asshat-poster was right. You have a whole board of people disagreeing. If a LOT of people are telling you the same thing and there is ONE nut sticking out like a sore thumb, what do you think that means? We can't ALL be wrong! Good luck.