Trouble in Paradise
sky7481
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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I'm not taking his last name
We have been married for 2 months and I told him I refuse to take his last name. He's not thrilled with me but I feel like its a tradition that serves no purpose anymore. He doesn't own me and I didn't leave my family to join his. Why are people giving me a hard time?
Re: I'm not taking his last name
People tend to suck and like to get into other peoples' business, that's why they are giving you a hard time. Ignore them.
I agree with you 100%
No one really gave me a hard time except his mother...and I told her the same thing you said and that was that. It is a lot easier for some people just to follow tradition without questioning it, so when someone else does it baffles them.
My own grandfather thought that it wasn't legal for me not to take DH's name. When my parents told him I was keeping my name, he said, "Can she do that? Is it allowed?" lol
lmao...how cute!
Did you guys discuss this before you were married?
My dad (surprisingly enough) was the one main person who thought it was "weird". But then recently he admitted that he's actually really touched that I kept my name.
The other issue was the little old bitties in the office when I went to get my marriage license. They INSISTED that it was illegal for me to keep my name.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Did you two talk about this before getting married? I don't disagree with your decision at all but if you didn't tell him this before getting hitched I can understand him not being initially thrilled.
People are always going to give you a hard time about something. In 6 months people will start giving you a hard time about when/if you're going to have kids, how many you'll have, how you're raising them. Do what you and your H are comfortable with and don't worry about other people.
I think you need to do what makes you happy. I did not plan on changing my name and made sure he knew well beforehand. He still was not pleased with my decision at all and because his SIL took the family name it made them think less of me.
I also was not willing to give up my middle name because it means a lot to me. I was willing to get rid of my first or to make my first an middle names initials - but even that wasn't acceptable to anyone.
You didn't discuss this before you got married? What else, pray tell, did you not discuss that you both might have strident opinions about?
How old are you both?
I assumed she meant that they did discuss it before and he isnt happy about it, but EVERYONE else is now giving her a hard time.
i know i know,,,,,i shouldnt assume
Fuss, usually I agree with the age question, but I don't think it matters this time *shrug*
Who cares about other people? What the hell is up your husband's butt that's he's not thrilled with you?
Personally, I find it much easier to tell people to shove it when I have the support of my spouse in my own home.
Click me, click me!
Yeah, how this post was written, it seems that OP just dropped this bit of knowledge on her H two months after the wedding instead of, yanno, having an adult conversation about it beforehand. I'm guessing that he's not thrilled that OP kept this information to herself, not the decision itself. I'd be pissed too, especially if she had sidestepped the question or been noncommittal in giving an answer prior to the wedding.
I'm also wondering if she used these exact words to him when he inquired as to when she would get around to changing her name. A "you don't own me" response is total drama llama overkill where an "I've thought about it and it's important to me to keep my name" would have sufficed.
I don't think I'm going to change my name and when I told my mom she said "good for you! I wish I had had the guts to keep my name when I got married". She got married in 1967 and it wasn't really acceptable back then to keep your name.
That actually really surprised me because my mom is a very traditional person in every other sense.
Don't worry what others say...who really cares what they think.
Did you and your H discuss it beforehand or are you just telling him now?
People are nosy and like to voice their opinions, welcome or not. Ignore them.
IDK about this. Despite it being "this day and age" it's still less common for a woman to keep her maiden name, particularly outside of a certain socio-economic background. Also, if you're planning a traditional wedding then wouldn't it come up when you start dealing with the whole mr and mrs announcements, addressing thank you cards, filling out contracts and things?
I mean I didn't have a traditional wedding at all but there were plenty of opportunities to discuss the subject.
Click me, click me!
I don't think it matters if she asked him or not. It's not his decision. It's hers.
Besides, if they didn't talk about this name thing it also means that he assumed that she would be taking his name and didn't think to ask her about it. Why is it ok if he just expects her to change without discussing it, but it's not ok that she doesn't want to change without discussing it? Bullshit.
I definitely agree with this! Of course, that control factor can come out in many different ways- not just through the name thing, but that is a great test.
Perhaps one day OP will come back and give us more details.
I think it depends on where you live and what type of family you grew up in. In the midwest, it's possibly more common to take your husband's name when you get married. I honestly do not know anyone (that I'm aware of or can think of offhand) that didn't take their husband's name. Therefore, I can see that there would be assumptions that a woman would take her husband's name (from both men and women). Also, if you grow up in a traditional family you're more likely to be surrounded by people who follow those types of traditions.
BF grew up in a family that was very traditional and grew up in farm country which tends to attract very traditional people (went to Catholic church/school). When I told him I was keeping my name, he seemed somewhat shocked and a little disappointed because he never really thought that I wouldn't take his last name. He's okay with it, but I'm not sure he understood why I didn't want to change my name until I asked him if he would like to take my name. Now he gets it.
I'm sure someone will interpret that to mean that my BF is even more of a douche, but whatever.
I don't think it's indicative of anything when a man assumes you'll take his last name. It's just far more common that women do and with no good reason to boot. It's like the assumption that he did the asking.
It's not the assumption that's the problem. It's the diikish biitching when he finds out he was wrong.
Click me, click me!
Nah, I think if that's what you grow up seeing all around you, maybe you never even think about doing it differently or why someone might want to do it differently. I grew up in that environment and many people were really surprised and upset that I wanted to keep my name when I married XH (including XH). Even his family was angry, and they're from Iceland, where everyone in the family could have a different last name and women don't change their names at marriage. My dad wasn't upset, but genuinely confused, and admitted he would have been hurt if my mother hadn't wanted to share the same family name with him. Only my sisters supported the idea, because they didn't want to change their names, either.
I told BF I wasn't sure if I'd change my name next time around and he shrugged and said he didn't care if I did, and wouldn't expect me to - but he's not willing to change his (we have friends who both hyphenated). And that was that.