I'm not taking his last name

BeebeeEater · October 2011

Mortomo:
I think it depends on where you live and what type of family you grew up in. In the midwest, it's possibly more common to take your husband's name when you get married. I honestly do not know anyone (that I'm aware of or can think of offhand) that didn't take their husband's name. Therefore, I can see that there would be assumptions that a woman would take her husband's name (from both men and women). Also, if you grow up in a traditional family you're more likely to be surrounded by people who follow those types of traditions.

BF grew up in a family that was very traditional and grew up in farm country which tends to attract very traditional people (went to Catholic church/school). When I told him I was keeping my name, he seemed somewhat shocked and a little disappointed because he never really thought that I wouldn't take his last name. He's okay with it, but I'm not sure he understood why I didn't want to change my name until I asked him if he would like to take my name. Now he gets it.

I'm sure someone will interpret that to mean that my BF is even more of a douche, but whatever.

Before H asked me to marry him, I was undecided about taking his name - my degrees were in my maiden name and I thought I'd teach, so I thought maybe I should keep my name for academic reasons.

Since I found out what a douche my dad is around the same time we got engaged, I was kind of down on the "family name" so I didn't care about keeping it anymore. It was really, really important to my H that I change my name and since I no longer cared about keeping my maiden name, I did. I thought about it for a year before I decided.

I don't think it's douchey for a guy to want you to take his name. It's traditional and if you are in love with someone who is a traditional guy, chances are you LIKE tradition.

BeebeeEater · October 2011

One more thing on Mort's point: If you decide not to change your name and your BF puts up a fuss, then THAT'S douchey.

BowiesInSpace · October 2011

I'm still not convinced she told him her decision without throwing major attitude. Call it a hunch based on how her post was written. If someone snarled "I refuse to take your last name, you don't own me, and I didn't leave my family to join yours", well, I'd be offended. Not so much because of the decision, but because of the nastiness behind the choice of words.

But, if I'm wrong and she told him her decision in a rational manner, and he's being a baby over it, then I'll say he can go pout in the corner.

firefly72533 · October 2011

It took me to long to get my maiden name back after my starter marriage ended. This time around I hyphenated. I have built up my career and my reputation within my company under my maiden name. When DH and I had the "changing of name" conversation he was good with whatever I decided.

I have not received a hard time from anyone about my decision. However, systems have been giving me issues. My bank's system does not like hyphenated names and neither does the DMV. My name is to long for my license. So, instead of containing eight letters, my middle name now has five as far as my state is concerned.

imoan · October 2011

This was the discussion I had with H:

imoan: "I'm keeping my name"

mr.imoan: "Okay"

end scene

kellyt89 · October 2011

BowiesInSpace:
I'm still not convinced she told him her decision without throwing major attitude. Call it a hunch based on how her post was written. If someone snarled "I refuse to take your last name, you don't own me, and I didn't leave my family to join yours", well, I'd be offended. Not so much because of the decision, but because of the nastiness behind the choice of words.

I'm getting this vibe too. Also, I feel like if you marry someone you should at least both have an idea of how traditional they are on things like this. I guess I'm just surprised it didn't come up during the wedding planning - monograms, the announcement of the couple, something.

I'm undecided on whether or not I'll change my name but it's sure as heck not gonna be a fun conversation if I start it with, "you don't own me!"

sky7481 · October 2011

Thank you everyone for the support. We talked about this before the wedding but we still couldn't solve it and I wasn't waiting forever to get married because this one thing. The ladies I work with all support my decision and I feel a lot better now that most of you support it as well.

Jessimau · October 2011

It still seems like something that should've been ironed out before the wedding. What were the discussions like? What were his responses when you told him you didn't want to change your name?

I told DH very early on in our relationship that when/if I got married, I would be keeping my last name. I decided that as a child and so it was part of sharing information about who I am. The only problems we've had were: the DJ announcing us as Mr. & Mrs. DH (to me rolling my eyes), MIL getting upset because "that's not how it works and I like my maiden name better but it's not done", and my mom asking me what was so bad about people knowing I'm married. This was also in relation to still wanting the title Ms. over Mrs. No one seemed to like my argument that nothing changes for men when they get married other than a heavier left hand, so why should it for me. Equality, dammit.

My BFF kept her last name as well. She briefly hyphenated socially, but has since dropped his last name.

KurtsWife09 · October 2011

I didn't. DH knew I never planned to. My IL's gave me grief, but I don't really care.

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