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Situation
I'm new here and there are some problems I'm having with my husband and just wanted to get some opinions on the matter..
Over the last few months I have been very distant and unaffectionate towards my husband, mostly because I feel like I have fallen out of love with him,( or realized that maybe I was never is love with him to begin with and it took me 2 years to realize) we have been married for one year in July and dated for one year before getting engaged and then married a month later. We are both young I am 21 and he is 20, he is in the army and we are stationed overseas... I didn't feel the need to post on military post, because I don't think it's a military issue..
The first "mistake" I think I made was getting married way too young and thinking that it was the right thing and he was the one. I now realize that what I wanted at 19 is not what I want now.
I also now feel that I have really really really gotten to know him after getting married, when it should have been before as to prevent this situation...
We are also going to marriage counseling to "work" on our relationship, but I feel that it is doing nothing for me or the way I feel.
Okay so now here are my problems I have towards him:
Lately over the past 2 months or so, I have noticed that he is showering less and less, this past week(and my sister is here visiting as well) he went 5 days without showering, I kept asking him when he was going to take one and he would say "oh when I get back to work" etc, lame excuses...After about 3 days his side of the bed reeked, like it was a smell that just came out of the blue( I obviously washed them when I noticed it) and also he tends to not brush his teeth, I honestly don't think he as brushed them at all this week, because I haven't seen him do it.. His breath smells so bad it's embarrassing, and I am so ashamed that my sister has to witness this because it makes me and her feel so dirty. I try so hard to not be a *** toward him when I tell him to take a shower or brush his teeth, because I don't want to be like a mom to him but at the same time I can't stand that he does that.
My husband over exagerates every single thing that comes out of his mouth,like he is trying to prove stuff to people, have the things he says to people isn't even true, and sometimes I have to bite my tounge so I don't call him out on that stuff. I think that people are starting to realize it too because a lot of people are starting to hang out with him less and less. And it doesn't help that he has an attitude problem either.
I talked to my mom and she says that I should go back to the states immediately and finish school and make myself a priorty for once, which I'm not opposed to, but I know my husband is going to say something like "how can we work on our marriage if we aren't together" because this has been a topic i have brought up a few times, to which my mom says that how can I work on something, when I can't even get my own self together.. I have brought up the issue of divorce a couple of times, but my mom thinks that I should wait until he gets back to the states before I start that process. My issue though is that I will feel like I'm using him because regardless I want to leave him. I have reached my limit here with him and I am almost at the point that I am going to start disliking him and get annoyed with everything he does...
Do I tell him I want a divorce now or wait until he gets back in the states?
Re: Situation
Click me, click me!
That's exactly what I was thinking reading it.
Tell him now and ask about getting a divorce while overseas on the Military board. Your H is depressed from the sounds of it but it's not your job to fix him. Make yourself a priority and move on with your life. Good for you for realizing this now before you had kids.
From the military point of view, depending on what you mean by overseas, you'll probably have to go home and wait a few before you can file for divorce, unless you never changed residency or someshiit.
Ugh.
Anyway, tell him, then go back home. I mean you're disgusted by the man. WTF is there to save and why bother pretending you want to save anything?
Click me, click me!
Tell him and go back home. When you get there, you need to seek counseling for yourself to figure out why you'd just jump into a marriage without really getting to know someone. Were you looking to escape your parents? Were you just dying to get out on your own and be a "grown-up"?
In the future, I recommend being with someone much longer before even getting engaged. I know its exciting and you're madly in love and all that, but you need to realize that love is NOT everything. Make a list of qualities you want in a person (and a list of deal-breakers, while you're at it) and stick to it. Examples of things you may want to put on your list are:
Owns his own car
Doesn't live with parents
Has a steady job
Is interested in bettering himself (through college, whatever)
Good hygiene
Treats others with respect
Doesn't fight dirty (verbally/emotionally/physically abusive)
It's for soldiers and spouses but they don't handle divorces. The one in Korea might I suppose but I doubt it. They'll just tell you what you're entitled to, what your H is obligated to prove, etc.
Click me, click me!
The big reason was because we didn't want to do long distance and this was a chance for us to be together. When we first started dating there wasn't any of this and he was everything I was looking for a guy and now that he is like this, I just feel like I settled and wasted 2 years of my life for a guy which is completely stupid on my part. My biggest flaw is that I'm an impulsive person, I don't think things through before I do them...And I was going to counseling for a little bit but then she said that I should work on my marriage first and to call her back when things were starting to look up, doesn't make sense at all to me...
Yeah, that doesn't make any sense to me, either. You might want to try a different counselor.
Never you mind that little troll. Of course it is not your job to make him shower.
If you are done, then do it now. Don't wait around and waste more of both your time.
You know, if you marry a child, you're kind of signing yourself up to be his mother.
About the hygiene thing, college-age men stink. Or am I the only who noticed this? Whenever I'd go to the dorm room of a guy, the room always smelled bad...Anyway, I digress.
You're an impulsive person who leaps into things without thinking. Gee, you think? You need to nip that in the bud now. It's OK to do that in some contexts (like, I'm totally going to get my nose pierced today! I'm going to get bangs! I'm going to drive to Miami for the weekend!) but you have got to learn that big things (marriage, children) or decisions that should wait until you're older.
I'd go home now. Go home, go to school, get a divorce and get a career before the idea of marriage even pops into your head again. And don't you dare just hop on a plane and leave a note for god's sake! You're an adult and need to face this one head on instead of doing the international flight of shame.
The bolded portion is called "the honeymoon phase" and its called that for a reason. Of course everyone is on their best behavior at the very beginning of a relationship. I mean, if your date picked his nose and farted his way through the first date, there wouldn't be a second date, would there?
I wouldn't look at the last two years as a waste. You can learn something from every situation. In your case, that perhaps its not best to be so impulsive.
Any counselor who tells you to work on your marriage before you work on yourself is on crack. How the heck are you supposed to figure out the dynamics of two people working on something when you can't figure out the dynamics of how one of them (yourself) is working? New counselor, STAT.
This.
And learn a lesson from all of this - teenagers shouldn't be getting married, especially after only dating for 13 months, and no one of any age should get married because they don't want to date long distance. FFS, you have to know that's a really shiitty reason to get married.
You may as well tell him now.
Doesn't brush his teeth and doesn't shower = gross.
How can you be with a man that doesn't bother to take care of himself?
Sounds like you checked out of this marriage awhile ago and now you're looking for excuses and/or permission to do what you want/know must do.
Its not a good sign when you think its easier to be in a marriage with a stranger than to carry on a long distance relationship.
As for the shower/brush teeth thing....he sounds like a typical 20 year old guy. Yes, guys in their late teens and early 20s are messy, and stinky. I'm amazed that dorm rooms survive as long as they do. But, you're so over him now that it bothers you. Otherwise you'd have talked to him already. What if he is depressed? What if he has given up hope and sees no need to grooming himself because you've checked out of the relationship? This isnt just about him being lazy or stinky...its "why would he let himself go?" What happened 2 months ago that suddenly changed him?
You can't change the past but now you can take charge of your future. You rushed into marriage...think long and hard before you file for divorce. Understand the gravity of your choices. I've had friends like you that have jumped into a marriage and just as quickly jumped out without understanding the full implications of what their choices mean to not only them but to the other person involved.
It is all your choice, to stay or to divorce. If you feel that its the right thing for you then divorce. Whatever your choice is, please know that it will affect not just you but him, and his family, and your family. Good luck to you.
Just have to say something, I love my husband with all my heart and if he didnt shower lol I would still love him! I wouldnt kiss him or let him sleep in our bed, but I would keep on loving him and that would not make me love him any less. Your husband seems like he has a mental issue and you should probly talk to him about getting help, it could be something very serious. Also, I hope that you have truly communicated your feelings about ending your marriage with my husband, it would be horrible if you never have and never will tell him how you feel. I am not talking about telling him to shower and saying its grose lol Im talking about sitting down and talking to him like two people that are out of love and trying to solve a problem. Good Luck to you.
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