Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to make yourself WANT to be in your marriage
Somewhat of a strange question, but have any others here had to try REALLY hard to want to work on your marriage? My situation is a weird one - I fit the definition of a "semi-happy" marriage. Nothing so bad to leave, but nothing really happy about the relationship. Very much a partnership - we are friends, we have sex to fulfill sexual needs, but I honestly don't feel any true deep emotional connection to him or sexual connection. There was never a "spark," but he is a good guy who honestly loves me. All of the guys I felt sparks with ended up breaking my heart, so I went for the stable guy. And well...I got my wish.
I started counseling because I was not happy - basically I don't feel heard/appreciated/understood and my husband and I didn't spend much time together (he works a ton - accountant - and I will go out with my girlfriends). My husband, bless his heart, came with me to a few sessions, and he's the type of guy that I thought would NEVER come. Long story short - he is now committed to making time for the relationship and talking about our feelings/being connected, but I am just so withdrawn and want to be left alone. I am being very distant and mean - I am trying so hard to stop but all I feel is that I made a mistake by getting married to someone I wasn't romantically crazy about just to be married. Also, I'm having a hard time letting go of some of the things that happened in the past (nothing like cheating - just took me for granted and I took whatever he was willing to give because I had a low self-esteem when we started dating).
I'm still in individual counseling, but it's hard to make a marriage work when I'm just not "committed" to making it work and am just annoyed by his presence. I get annoyed when he kisses me. Any suggestions to get myself back to being committed?
Also - just as a note - together 6 years, married 2 years, no kids. We are 28 and 29, so still young. I just wonder what the heck is wrong with me!!
Re: How to make yourself WANT to be in your marriage
It sounds like you're feeling really distant from him. Does he know this? You said he works a ton - could this be a big reason why you're feeling so withdrawn?
I just say this because I notice that when my husband has to work a ton, I definitely feel withdrawn and distant. My "love language" is probably quality time, and I need to spend time with people to feel connected. And it takes time to feel re-connected after feeling distant.
Just saying, if he's always working and you never spend time together, it's no surprise that you feel withdrawn. And it's not strange that you're having a hard time accepting his wanting to make more time for you and the relationship.
I just get the feeling that there's a big lack of communication. Can you try having a serious talk with him/having him come to more counseling sessions?
Mostly I'm just thinking out loud, so sorry if I'm sounding redundant or stupid here. :P
We have been spending more time together these past couple of months - and all I feel is annoyed! I want to be left alone. Part of me regrets going to counseling for this since it was BETTER when we weren't spending time together. Please don't think I'm a horrible person.
You are dead-on with the not feeling connected because he works. Five months out of the year he is working 60-80 hour work weeks, so during that time I have done my own thing. But the difference is now, I don't even want him around now. In some ways, he hasn't cared about being around for six years, and I'm at the point that I don't care for him to be around.
A lot more of these feelings have started to surface because we were planning to start trying for children this winter. But I just have this nagging feeling about actually having children with him. If we aren't happy now (namely, I am not happy now), I don't know how we will do with children.
You can blame lots of things but the reality is that you are not and never were in love with him. You admitted in this and your other posts that he was the safe choice, that you love him but aren't in love with him.
The things you were complaining about a month ago he is now working on and you are even more unhappy. How much more will it take before you admit that you made a mistake marrying a man that you are not in love with?
Whatever you do, do not bring children in to this unless and until you are completely sure you want to stay in the marriage.
So you kind of got your own routine and used to spending most of your time without him because he was working so much? And now that he's not working so much, it's almost like he's disrupting your life in a way, almost as an annoyance?
Do you feel like he hasn't really needed or appreciated you as long as you've been in the relationship, and now you're feeling that way about him?
The only thing I can really think to do at the moment is to try to be open and honest about this, how (if it's the case) you felt resentful and neglected and unappreciated, and now you just feel checked out (or whatever it is you're feeling).
I'm not sure if you've always mostly felt this way, or if you two had a better connection in the past and it's just deteriorated a lot. Do you want to have a better relationship? Do you think it's worth trying to fix?
**In response to Belichick's post**
You make some very valid points - thank you. I think I'm having a really hard time admitting this.
The problem is that if I drew up a pros and cons list, there would probably be more pros to staying in this marriage. I am with a man who loves me, is faithful, truthful, a hard-worker, responsible; we don't fight about finances, we've bought a house together, have the same values. The real problem - as you point out- is that we are missing being romantically in love (however - my husband does not feel this way - he loves me romantically). So I am still trying to see how to be happy with what I have. It is hard breaking up with a nice guy because it's hard to understand why I am not happy with him. Divorce also means the end to a lot of things - figuring out how to split things up, moving out, lawyers, likely loss of certain friends, and all of the emotional termoil. I need to be sure it's the right thing to do.
I also question if I have unrealistic expectations of what a marriage is/should be, and perhaps I need to accept that "loving" feeling I'm looking for changes over time? This is all very overwhelming.
It sounds to me like you don't really know what you want. If your husband is committed to making it work, and really is such a great guy as all that, I think you'd be foolish to walk away now that he is finally finding out that there is a problem and trying to do something about it. At least give him a chance. But you shouldn't be asking how to make yourself want something that you don't want. You should ask, what would your marriage have to be like for it to be something you would want? How do you and he together make your marriage something you would want to be in? What do you hope to get out of a marriage in your life (to him or anyone else for that matter)? And I mean more specifically than "a deep meaningful connection" and "romantically in love," what do those things really mean to you?
I agree with this. You're not just dating, you made vows to this person, you owe it to him and the relationship to at least give it a try. Did you ever feel "romantic love" for him? He is making an effort to change his behavior for you and that is a good step.
I could have written this post 2 years ago. I can safely say that I am happier now in my marriage than I have ever been. And I have my therapist to thank.
Sillygoosegirl's questions were spot. on.
You should be spending your therapy sessions figuring out: first, what WILL make you happy. Not just w/r/t your husband, but overall. Second: how/can your marriage fit your happiness needs. If it can't, it can't.
One thing that I learned was that I needed to allow myself to be needy. I grew up a "caretaker" and learned that neediness = weakness and being a weak woman was not. an. option. So I set myself up in my marriage to always be taking care of my H; always the stronger one, emotionally. I never let myself be the "weak" one. Which meant that I was solely shouldering emotional responsibilities and blaming my H for my feeling overwhelmed/ignored/disrespected. I became a martyr.
This trickled all the way down to stupid, everyday crap. I felt like he was bullying me about certain things, when the reality was I just never stepped up and said, "Hey, this bugs me." Example: he used to work nights, so I got used to having my own routine in the evenings, including having the TV to myself. When he got a regular 9-5, he would get home an hour or two before me and so by the time I got home, he had already commandeered the TV. He was usually good about watching things that we both were interested in, but I never got to watch "my" shows. Shows that he would begrudgingly agree to watch, but then he wouldn't STFU while I tried to listen. Then I would get pisst because I felt like he was disrespecting me. BUT I never said that. I just got mad. I actually had to "learn" to say, "Hey H, I want to watch some shows by myself, on the big TV. I want you to go away for an hour or two. No, I don't want you in the room with me. Don't take it personally. Just go away."
Anyway. All of that to say YES, you can get through an ambivalent phase. But you will have to commit to working on you. And you will probably have to tell your H that sometimes he might not see any changes/progress but that you ARE trying to work on it. And other times you might instigate changes in the relationship that might bother him at first. But you both have to open the lines of communication. You can't bulldoze through and expect your H to just jump on board. You have to explain why your requests will benefit you both.
Good luck.