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Uncomfortable
My FI and I have been together 8 years and we are getting married next year. I know this is going to sound really bad, which is why I have created a separate account.
Years ago, when we were in college, FI made friends with a girl he went to school with. They spent a lot of time together and I was immature and jealous. His friend moved away right after college. They didn?t talk for several years, but about a year ago she found me on FB (he doesn?t have an account). She and I talked and I gave her his number and vice versa. 2 months ago she moved back. She came over and we all caught up and everything was fine. Except I find myself becoming more and more uncomfortable with the situation. I need to know if I am being really immature and need to just get over it or if this would make others uncomfortable.
Last weekend she came over and we all hung out, at night we went to a bar and we sat down in a row with FI in the middle. By the end of the night I was pissed off at FI because he spent half of the night with his back to me having a conversation with her. So I was basically sitting there by myself. I am friends with the bartender (not real good friends we just hang out from time to time). We hung out a few days later and she was asking me if I trust FI and what the deal is with his friend. I thought they were kind of strange questions but she said it just seemed like he was kind of ignoring me.
I said something to FI and he said sorry he didn?t mean to have his back to me and he was just trying to hear her because the bar was loud. I said ok just be more aware that when I sit next to you I am excluded from the conversation because he is so big and I?m small.
So friend stayed over a few nights at our house and things were fine. Then this weekend she came over again. We were going to take engagement pictures and we were going to ride our motorcycles so she wanted to come for the ride. We didn?t end up riding because it was too cold when we left. We did go apple picking though and she got an ice cream and he shared it with her. I thought that was weird, but I didn?t say anything. Then we ended up at the same bar again. This time at a table so we could all talk. This morning I woke up and she is wearing his sweatpants.
I hung out with my bartender friend again this morning and she asked me if I think FI?s friend wants him, I said I don?t know why? She said she thinks so. So now on top of the few uncomfortable situations, bartender has got me feeling even more uncomfortable with the whole thing. I don?t know if I should say something to FI or just leave it alone. Am I being an immature jealous freak or would any of this make you uncomfortable?
Re: Uncomfortable
The ice cream thing would bug me, but that's because I'm imagining them licking the same cone between them. If they were using spoons and sharing ice cream, it wouldn't bug me all that much.
I think the big one here is the sweatpants. I would definitely be disturbed if I went to sleep with her in her own clothing and woke up to her in his clothing. If I had been awake and seen him offer her something comfy or warm to wear, it wouldn't bug me at all.
But my opinion is based entirely off of the limited knowledge I have here. I think it's a toss-up, you could be over-reacting or you could be just plain uncomfortable with their friendship. I definitely think that if they are over stepping a boundary, that should be made clear to him. You should talk to him at length about this for certain. Let him know it's making you uncomfortable and why.
I lovingly say that men are clueless.
I would assume if you brought up your concerns to your FI he would say you are being rediculous, he has no interest in her, they are just friends. he loves you etc. etc.
However, I doubt this is accurate, she is making a play for your FI. Even if she doesn't really mean too, she is crossing a line.
And why are the three of you spending so much time together?
Talk to you FI.
I went to bed before them. I was super tired and I don't know how it happened. All I know is that when I woke up I was not impressed. But I was not sure how to handle it. You are right, I do need to talk to him because I am not at all comfortable. I just don't want to over react to the situation.
I don't think you are overreacting at all. At best she is seriously lacking boundaries, at worst she wants your FI. It's hard to say from what you've posted here if he is clueless or enjoying the attention.
Either way, if you are serious enough in your relationship to get married, then you should be able to talk about anything, even things that are uncomfortable. Don't attack him, but let him know your concerns and see how he responds.
I have a feeling that is what he would say as well. Any ideas on how to bring it up? If I say "it made me uncomfortable when _____" hes going to say what you said and probably that I don't trust him. Which I do trust him 110%, he has never given me any reason not to. We are usually really good at communicating but bringing up this topic worries me. I feel like there is a very fine line between crazy jealous FI and normal FI feelings.
I have no idea why we are spending all this time together. I was wondering the same thing myself.
You are absoluetly right, I guess I just needed some confirmation that I am not over reacting to the situation.
I feel like he is clueless to how these things could be perceived and how they could make me feel. Maybe not, maybe he is enjoying the attention like you said, but I really feel like hes clueless. I think hes going to tell me that he didnt think that would bother me and they are just friends and she has a boyfriend (who lives 2500 miles away). But I really do need to bring it up because it is bothering me.
I think you are right to be uncomfortable with this situation. When push comes to shove, I always say "trust your gut."
I think it's time to spend time apart from this girl. She really has some boundry issues - - going with you to get your engagement photos taken? Why would she need to be a part of that?
I think you need to end the sleepovers. She seems to be more HIS friend than yours, but if you live together you need to tell your FI that you don't want her sleeping over anymore, and that you want to take a step back from her for a while (that means the two of you, not just you). It's in her best interest to make new friends in the area, anyway, instead of relying on the two of you. (I would also block her new posts on FB, so you aren't as "connected" to her, but don't take the step of "de-friending" or "blocking" her).
If/When I go out with friends and their husbands, you can BET I spend equal time with the woman as with the man, and the woman does not feel "left out," of any conversation I am having!!!
I also agree with everyone else - if this is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with, you should be able to talk about this issue with him. If he says they are just friends, etc. make "I" statements "I am uncomfortable with this," "I feel that she is crossing boundries in our relationship," etc.
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.Thats really great advice. I usually don't make I statements but that is exactally what I need to do here.
He shouldn't be leaving you on a shelf in plain sight of somebody else.
His friend or not, YOU come first; he is paying too much attention to her.
What I would do:
Yes, you should say something to him and asap; he's getting too cozy with her and I'd be livid, too.
I'd go as far as to postpone the wedding until this mess is straightened out; like it or not, she is now in the loop for good.
I think it was kind of messed up to leave you out, but that is why the female friend should have brought someone. Three is a crowd. However, you FI should not have done that.
Why do you keep entertaining this other female friend if she makes you so uncomfortable? Sharing icecream, like licking off the same cone? Seems kind of intimate for a "just friend" especially when you are right there. That is weird.
Extra weird that she is wearing his sweatpants unless she didn't bring her own clothes? Seems way intimate for an engaged man to be involving himself like that with someone who is NOT his fiancee?
The combination would make me uncomfortable.
He invited her over and I have not discussed this with him except for the bar the first night. This has all just happened and like I said, I don't want to come off as the crazy over reacting FI. He seems completely oblivious to how bad this looks. Now that I know I am not the only one that would be uncomfortable with all of this, I plan to talk to him when he gets home tonight.
I should clarify ice cream was in a dish not a cone but same spoon. And she did not bring her own clothes. She was not planning on staying over, but since we were drinking at the bar she didn't want to drive all the way home. I don't know how the whole sweatpants thing even came up. I was already in bed.
I was doing okay with it all until he shared and ice cream with her and then let her wear his sweatpants.
If she didn't bring any clothes, he should have woken you up and asked if she could wear something of yours.
Is he kind of stupid? I'm seriously asking.
Because it's either that or something is really kind of fishy here.
She stayed over a few nights at your house? Then came over again? Dude, why are you letting her (or anyone for that matter) crash at your place that often? DH and I rarely have guests sleep over. Does she not have other friends?
Since it sounds like you haven't talked to your FI much about it just sit him down and talk about boundaries with friends. You guys don't need to spend that much time with them anyway. DH and I see our 'couple' friends usually a few times a month on average. We see our own individual friends maybe once a week or every other week (more for me since I have workout buddies). I've only had one sleepover since we've been married, and that was with a single girlfriend who lived 40 minutes away and we had gone bar hopping.
If she needed clothes why didn't she borrow yours?
Finally, I'm weirded out by the ice cream thing. I wouldn't be okay with that. DH can share his ice cream with me, not other ladies.
Overall it sounds like you need to speak up more. I mean the bar thing? Instead of sitting there like that awkwardly all night you should have butted in. Tap him on the shoulder and tell him you wanna chat a bit.
Thanks you ladies so much for all the thoughts and advice. Just to answer a few more questions besides that I was already sleeping she couldn't borrow any clothes from me because she is much bigger than I am and she would never fit into my clothes.
I don't think my FI is stupid, he is extremely smart, but sometimes he is a bit clueless or nieve when it comes to common sense.
FI and I had a long long talk last night when he got home. I told him all the things I am uncomfortable with and he had no idea. He felt badly and apollogized because he was clueless that it would bother me. He was looking at it with a different point of view, but understands now how I see it. He said he was glad I told him how I was feeling. We basically talked through everything and he assured me that now he knows how I feel things will change and he never meant to put me in an awkward position. I feel so much better now that we had the chance to talk about it. Thanks again ladies.
Yeah, I would be a little more than uncomfortable. You're not being immature. I would hit the roof if there was a girl who spent the night and then I saw her in my husband's sweats. He sounds like he's not setting up bounderies.
I am the type who has a lot of male friends and most of them are in relationships. I am always friends with the girl or try to be. I don't put myself in situations where we're alone a lot or alone at weird times. I always ask my husband if he's comfortable and never do anything secretly. It's rude not to include you in on the conversation.
I have at most taken a sip out of the same glass. Sharing ice cream is way too coupely for a platonic friendship.
Yes, this would all make me uncomfortable.
The thing is, if your gut is saying something is off, then there is a decent chance that something is off. Sharing ice cream, sweatpants? Off.
I'm going to share that something very similar happened to me a couple of years ago. Long-lost friend finds me on FB and proceeds to re-establish friendship with my H. She crossed the line big time. I knew something was off the minute I got a whiff of the 'friendship'. Went.through.hell.
Give yourself the gift of time. Nip this in the bud, pronto.