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Im new here & slightly troubled by my hubby..
I found this site in hopes of finding a safe haven to speak to individuals who hopefully won't judge me. My husband and I have seemed to hit a "rough patch". Or at least I hope that's what it is? We just arrived home from vacation and things have been tense at his work and money has been tight and he hasn't been paid in quite some time. He told me he would be getting paid tomorrow but, it's been 3 months and I'm getting downright worried. He's a very smart and intelligent man and for the first time in his life I saw that his bank account was negative. We have been keeping our money separately as he was making a significant more than what I was making.
With the situation in front of us it has changed his attitude immensely about quite a few things and makes it very difficult for me to be around him the majority of the time. Please understand, I am not saying I'm mad because he hasn't been paid. I'm just hurt that he doesn't seem to be able to talk to me, open up about it or seek employment elsewhere.
Anyway, since we hit this spot in our relationship like I said he has been acting much different. I asked him if we could get some candy for trick or treat and I'd happily purchase it and he told me we weren't going to be celebrating Halloween this year. When I brought up the plans we had made to visit my family in Ohio for Thanksgiving he quickly dismissed that as well stating he didn't have the time or money to do so. The final straw came when he told me he wouldn't be celebrating Christmas or buying a tree.
We recently took our honeymoon which I paid for as he paid for the wedding and maybe I had too high of expectations but, it felt more like a vacation than a honeymoon. Nothing romantic happened and he told me even though we were going to attempt to have children he wanted to wait another year because, I wouldn't be a fit mother as I don't take care of anything. Ouch. This not only hurt my self esteem but, I also have endometrosis which can cause infertility and purposefully did not take birth control pills (as that eases the pain of the endometrosis) and was taking pre-natal vitamins. I can understand if he doesn't want to consider having a children with the financial situation intact but, I don't understand why he didn't state as such that way?
I'm not really sure what to do. He told my mother that I'm the reason he's broke and that I came from nothing etc, etc. although, now he's denying he ever said that "exactly". I am just very hurt and it's hard to be around him due to the way I feel and with him being so on edge I'm afraid anything I say/do could push him over. If anyone here has been in my shoes before or close I would appreciate any advice as I'm just not sure what to do.
Re: Im new here & slightly troubled by my hubby..
Do yourself a favor -- please reparagraph your post. YOu'll get a better reply; guessing you sent it via your smartphone.
Hasn't been paid in 3 months???
That's blatanly against employment laws -- what's going on?
Has he got a shifty employer? Is the guy having money problems?
Or is something funky with your H --- has he gotten paid and he hasn't told you?
Something stinks on ice here with that.
I will bet you he is hoarding money somewhere, has a spending/gambling problem or maybe even has an addiction and all of the money's going to a dealer/barman --- or maybe he's got somebody squirreled away and that is where the money's going.
He is a douche; you would NOT be a fit mother?
I'd have shown him the door on that one, if I were you. WOW -- what kind of a way is that to talk to your wife??????
Do yourself a big favor --- I am suspecting all the more as i read your post that your H is up to no good with his paycheck:
Safeguard your assets and have a good look at bank account statments and credit card statements --- call the number and ask what kind of services the establishment provides.
DO NOT let this guy get his mitts on your money.
Something stinks here and it is him. GL.
He told my mother that I'm the reason he's broke and that I came from nothing etc, etc. although, now he's denying he ever said that "exactly". I am just very hurt and it's hard to be around him due to the way I feel and with him being so on edge I'm afraid anything I say/do could push him over. If anyone here has been in my shoes before or close I would appreciate any advice as I'm just not sure what to do.
first, paragraphs are your friend
This guy is not worth the trouble. I can only imagine how this will escalate if he's declaring that he believes you will be an unfit mother now.
BOOT him.
he's up to no good with his paycheck and he has ZERO respect for you. WTF would you even want to be near him, let alone have his child???
This.
What a douche canoe!
Thanks for the input. I will fix my post. Yes, I didn't realize how shitty that sounds until I read it back.
All in the meantime, he told me because I don't wash my car every week symbolizes the fact I wouldn't take care of my children if I had them.To me, this doesn't even make sense? I've had to keep my car in the driveway because, I've been running my business out of the garage and it's white and get's dirty. I don't have time to clean it 24/7.
He works for a start up company and the guy simply ran out of money and "suppsodely" is receiving money tomorrow from investors in which he should receive his paycheck, I just don't believe it.
I will take a look at the statements when I get a chance but, also will work on protecting myself.
He kept reemphasizing to my mother that he has given me a good lifestyle. Yes, we live in a nice house and I drive a nice car but, my mom and I both tried to tell him that's not what it's all about. I was fine driving my little Ford Focus but, for some reason he's convinced my life is somehow better because I drive a Lexus. Personally, I rather have true love than a Lexus. He puts so much emphasis on money because, he feels the relationship is dependent on it.
For example, he told me I am now "in charge" of planning all meals and I will have $600/month to do so with and that's all I get. We do live in California and although, I'm sure I could probably swing that just 2 hours ago he told me I'd have $800/month and suddenly he dropped my food budget $200 for no reason?
I feel like if this is the direction we are headed am I better to just get out now?
Dude --- you JUST GOT MARRIED and things are this effed up???
According to the Knot, you were married very very recently.
Something sure is nutty here -- what was going on before you got married? What happened to the talks about finances that you and he were supposed to have before the wedding?
What happened to deciding together how to save and spend your money?
Wow...my head is spinning as I think of what the possibilities are -- did this guy even HAVE even the teenyest of pots to piss in before you were wed or what's the story????
I'd get to the bottom of this "Wahhh my boss has no money" mess immediately if I were you -- don't listen to another word this jerk's got to say to you. He's not worth your big toe.
If he won't fess up to what's going on with his paycheck?
ANNULMENT.
This whole mess reeks of dishonesty, fraud, disrespect and a thousand other sh!tty things. GL.
I know of a lot of great parents who NEVER wash there car. There is absolutely no correlation between washing/maintaining a car and parenthood.
Is this guy a close friend? This sounds really shady and even though he is owed money he should leave pronto. What will happen the next time? What if the investors pull out?
Do not give him any money, separate your accounts, seek a lawyer. This has the potential to escalate into a bad situation very quickly
At this point, who gives a rat's ass HOW many times the OP does or does not wash her car!
What she should wash:
Her hands of her H.
And be done with it.
Only married for 15 days. I could just cry.:(
Shank him and shank him NOW:
For example, he told me I am now "in charge" of planning all meals and I will have $600/month to do so with and that's all I get. We do live in California and although, I'm sure I could probably swing that just 2 hours ago he told me I'd have $800/month and suddenly he dropped my food budget $200 for no reason?
Escalate into a bad situation??? It's already beyond bad!!!!
very true.
OP how long did you know this guy before you got married? Did he always say shitty things or is this a recent development? EIther way get out now before it gets worse.
Yes, we did get married very recently. He didn't really let on about the money issues 100% until the day of the wedding. I knew he hadn't been paid but, I didn't know to what extent the situation was.
Two days before the wedding we had to pay for the linens, chairs, etc. I called our vendor to make the payment with a credit card when she advised me she could not take a credit card payment this late. At that time, my wedding planner graciously footed the bill until we could pay him back after the wedding. That was my first red flag. The second red flag came on the day of the wedding when I asked him for the cash for the vendors (hair, makeup, dress steamer b/c the dress had been shipped across the country) and he told me if I wanted those things I would need to pay for them. So I shelled out nearly $1k from the Honeymoon $$$ to pay those vendors.
Before, I could even get thank you letters out for receiving the gifts from the wedding he had already took the money from the wedding deposited it and paid some bills. I never saw a penny. Ugh, this is making me sick thinking about all these things I should have been paying better attention to...
What she has posted SUCKS --- wow --- but what I can't fathom is what went on before they were married!!!
Married 15 days ago --- what happened, say, between September 9 and now, a month later??
This guy was up to no good long before the wedding --- I will bet you he told the OP that he had a pretty good sum in savings and it was all set and ready to go for their future.
I can see how she can believe that -- but wow, now there's critical mass involved here with his paycheck.
This stinks on ice; he also is treating his wife like hell and he's got no respect for her. Run like hell right now; save yourself the trouble of playing detective and trying to find out where the bleep his money has gone.
I do not think any of this is MUD ---
Yes, we did get married very recently. He didn't really let on about the money issues 100% until the day of the wedding. I knew he hadn't been paid but, I didn't know to what extent the situation was.
Really??? Uh, that was WAY too late to have you find out. And even then you probably believed it. Okay; I can see how.
But now that you're married you see how bad all of this is -- and what DID happen to the premarital finance talks? Didn't you and he have any at all? I am guessing no.
Two days before the wedding we had to pay for the linens, chairs, etc. I called our vendor to make the payment with a credit card when she advised me she could not take a credit card payment this late. At that time, my wedding planner graciously footed the bill until we could pay him back after the wedding. That was my first red flag. The second red flag came on the day of the wedding when I asked him for the cash for the vendors (hair, makeup, dress steamer b/c the dress had been shipped across the country) and he told me if I wanted those things I would need to pay for them. So I shelled out nearly $1k from the Honeymoon $$$ to pay those vendors.
Holy hell in a handbasket -- if you wanted them YOU would need to pay for them?
Honey, you should have pulled the plug on the wedding -- and him RIGHT THERE! Wow -- what a rotten thing to say to a future wife!!!
Before, I could even get thank you letters out for receiving the gifts from the wedding he had already took the money from the wedding deposited it and paid some bills. I never saw a penny. Ugh, this is making me sick thinking about all these things I should have been paying better attention to...
Safeguard your assets and do it now.
And tomorrow go file for an annulment. Fraud will be your reason.
Make sure you have enough liquid assets on you to get home -- do NOT tell him you are leaving him; just go do it.
I don't know if you and he own anything together --- God help you if you do, and I am not saying that in a mean way -- secure an attorney for that, also.
Wow. There's a lot going on in here. Can I ask what the situation is that he isn't getting paid? Is he a commission only employee and not making sales? Is his company in trouble? Are you absolutely sure he is actually still employed?
Regardless of the money situation, the things he is saying about and to you and the way he is treating you are completely unacceptable. If my husband told me that I wasn't fit to be a mother or told my mother I "came from nothing," I would be livid. What did you say to him?
It's also unfair the way he's making decisions for you without ever consulting you. He told you you can't use your own money to buy candy for Trick-or-Treat? He decided you aren't celebrating Christmas or going home to spend Thanksgiving with your family? Fuuck that.
Is this behavior typical for him? Is he usually the one who makes the decisions and you just follow them? Has he openly discussed finances with you in the past?
You guys need couples counseling and fast. He probably needs IC too but you can't make him do that but I think you need to see a counselor on your own too to figure out why you would let someone treat you like that.
You should also get back on the pill fast. Use condoms too. That's assuming you can even get in the mood enough to sleep with him at this point, I doubt I could. But definitely the last thing you need right now is to be tied to him forever with a child.
If he refuses counseling, continues to speak so cruelly to you and doesn't come clean about what's going on with his finances, I don't see how you can make this marriage work. I hope you figure out what is going on soon and that you are able to figure out what is the best thing for you.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Counseling?
Hell to the naw -- she needs to lay burning skid marks here.
Are you even faintly suggesting that this mess can be a marriage and that that hot mess she married can even be a reasonable facsimile of a MAN???
No to both.
I am surprised the OP's mother didn't lambaste her douchey son in law for saying what he said.
he's 30 and has positively NO money.
That's a bad sign in itself.
OP:
The horse is way way out of the barn here but here is what you needed to know before you married anybody:
How much money he makes
How much in savings he's got
How many/much assets he owns
How much debt he's got, if any
Is he paying off a student loan? if so, how much per month is he paying and how much was the loan?
Has he got credit cards? How much does he owe on it/them?
Has he got a disaster plan for finances in case he cannot work, is laid off or even wants to change careers and go back to school to do so
Has he got a 401K, a pension plan at work, an IRA or other retirement fund
What happens if you cannot work due to whatever reason -- can he easily support you and him (and a possible dependent) on the money he makes right now?
Has he got health insurance, life insurance? How much is the premium monthly for each?
To name a few, that's what you should have known way before you got married.
And if you did not like what you heard, to hell with him. This is for the rest of your life and why should you marry a fraud or a 30 year old pauper with no battle plan for finances???
Okay after reading your updates: Disregard my previous post. Get an annulment. This guy did not marry you with good intentions and he is not worth the trouble.
Just out of curiosity: Have you been paying his bills for him since the paycheck thing started?
If this guy were my husband, I'd move out and not pay another dime for anything for him: cancel his cell phone if you share a plan in your name, turn off all utilities in your name, etc.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I would get my finances together, see an attorney,. file for an annulment and GO, minus telling him.
Let him be served -- and let him figure out the rest.
To the OP: Try legal aid for an attorney -- or tell your parents. I am sure they'll front you the money to get rid of this dirty bastard.
Tomorrow without haste:
Call in sick at work
Get yourself down to your bank -- take your money and put it into an account he knows nothing of.
Get your PIN number changed on your ATM cards
Take your credit cards; do NOT let him have them -- get a safety deposit box for them
Get to the nearest local attorney; file for an annulment.
And right now:
RUN A CREDIT CHECK ON YOURSELF AND HIM, STAT. You get get one for cheap or for free; try Equifax.
I'm telling OP that if she is going to stay with this guy they need to get counseling, yes. Because if she isn't going to leave, that's the only hope she has.
Would I stay? Hell no. I would have called off the wedding on the day of based on her latest posts. Or I would have kicked him out of the honeymoon suite I was paying for when he said I wasn't fit to be a mother.
But I've seen a lot of women in these type of situations who are determined to stay and if they think it's salvageable, they need professional help. I got the impression from the OP that she intended to stay and make it work.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I'm telling OP that if she is going to stay with this guy they need to get counseling, yes. Because if she isn't going to leave, that's the only hope she has.
Would I stay? Hell no. I would have called off the wedding on the day of based on her latest posts. Or I would have kicked him out of the honeymoon suite I was paying for when he said I wasn't fit to be a mother.
But I've seen a lot of women in these type of situations who are determined to stay and if they think it's salvageable, they need professional help. I got the impression from the OP that she intended to stay and make it work.
I didn't think you were at all suggesting this "marriage" could be saved.
Holy crap -- the propensity of this entire mess is staggering.
BTW: the WEDDING MONEY:
YOU take it and you use it to start your new future: use it to retain an attorney and to fly home to your parents.
I would NOT be within breathing distance of this son of a b!tch. Save yourself, save your life: get the hell out of this marriage stat.
All this plus: Look at any documents he keeps that may have financial information in them and make copies - statements, paycheck stubs, whatever. Put them in the safe deposit box with your credit cards. Hopefully an annulment would go smoothly this early in but better safe than sorry.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Indeed.
What a D!ck he is...he can only afford to spend HOW much on a wedding???
My FI and I are paying for our wedding. The only problem is he hit me with the honeymoon. He told me that he can only afford to spend 30K on the wedding and I needed to pay for the honeymoon.
He didn't even have 30 fatherjumping cents to his name...30 LARGE??? haha. HE WISHED.
I know 30k seems like a lot but, being in San Diego it doesn't seem to stretch too far. So, now I'm wondering how to save for the honeymoon? I was really hoping to go to London/Paris but, I know that will be around $10K which I wouldn't mind paying for..however, I'm a full time student and take 18 credit hours and not sure how to save enough money for a honeymoon (the wedding is in September). Any ideas on what to do? Would be super helpful!
YOU wouldn't have minded paying 10 grand for a honeymoon??? When you heard this bullshit that YOU "had" to pay for a honeymoon, you should have seen where this was at immediately. WHO the hell is he to give YOU orders??? And being you are a student, why in God's name is he saddling you with ANY type of expense???
This shows you what scum he is! Honey, RUN -- and do it NOW.
So who the heck paid for this wedding????
If it was your parents, they should sue this little bastard and make sure he gives back every penny of THEIR money.
Holy cow....The proof was in the pudding right there...YOU 'had" to pay for the honeymoon???????? That was a big red flag right there. He was claiming he had 30grand so what should even 3grand more for a honeymoon be, or even a thousand?????
Get rid of this scumbag, NOW.
He hit you with the honeymoon? I'd have hit him with the door as you booted his arse OUT of it.
Something very evil is lurking here. WHY did this bastard marry you? Something isn't right here -- did you or your parents give him any sum of cash, or promise him any money?
Is he kidding??? Sooner or later, his lies and his fraud and God knows what else he is up to would come back to bite him in the ass, or at least rise to the surface in a hurry.
I am not trying to bust your balls, but how much do you really know about him, his past and anything at all regarding him??? What's with his parents? Does he even speak to them? What's going on here?
Oh wow.
OP, please, please look into some counseling for yourself. You really need to figure out why you thought this man would be a good partner and spend some time realizing your own worth and value as a person. You didn't come from nothing, you aren't unfit to be a parent based on not washing your freaking car and you sure as shiit don't deserve to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to love and respect you.
I married someone when I was just out of college who turned out to be an awful husband. After I left him, I went to counseling for a year and it helped me realize how much better I deserved than what I thought and the person I chose to marry.
I'm now happily married to a man who treats me like gold and is a wonderful father to our daughter. I'm so glad I took the time to realize that life should not be wasted with someone who doesn't consider you an equal and their partner instead of below them and something for them to own and control.This man never intended to respect you or saw you as his partner.BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Thanks for the thoughtful input. He's been telling me he hasn't been paid in 3 months. However, I just looked at the bank account and he didn't get paid for September and October's paycheck isn't until the 15th. He is not commission, he's salaried employee who gets paid 1x/month.
I dont think I will be sleeping with him anymore.
He just keeps telling me that he is going to be on a very tight budget and we will not be celebrating any holidays because, he doesn't have a penny to spare.
In addition, he told me I can go stay with my parents for a few months if I don't like it here.
My God, girl ---- WOW -- there is NOTHING MORE to say here!!!
This is a scumbag and a MAJOR ONE --- Isn't anything we are saying PENETRATING??
All you can say is "oh. i guess there will be no more sexy time with him ho hum dah dah dah...."
DUDE: if this was true about an employer with no money, he'd have quit, gone to the departtment of labor and filed a complaint. IT is state law that you get paid a certain amount of times a month -- any employment attorney or your dept of labor office will tell you the same.
HOW he is treating you supercedes any money problem he has -- and dude, he's got plenty of money problems. How low is your self esteem that you are permitting yourself to be bossed around by this creep -- he is giving you orders what holidays YOU can celebrate -- and if you jolly well don't like it, go home to your mommee and daddee????
I hope you're flamed and flamed to smithereens. You don't seem to GET IT that this is a scumbag you married.
He ended up paying for the wedding. My parent's paid for $5k. He fronted the additional $30k, $20k of which I found out is on credit cards.
I paid for the honeymoon which was about $6k. In addition, I also paid for the wedding planner which was $3k. He paid for a few things such as the rental car because, I was under 25 they wouldn't let me pay and some food. Everything else I paid for.
My MIL was nice to me up to this point. They're Russian and don't speak any English but we managed to communicate briefly through an Ipad translator. After she met my parents she told my husband that my mother looked like a painter and asked him if I was an ophran because, of my lack of knowledge in the kitchen. Basically, she changed her judgement about me based on the way my parents look. However, they're just normal middle class, mid-western people.