Sex & Romance
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Can an open marriage work?
Does anyone know of a couple with an open marriage that is happy in their marriage? Do you think it's possible for this to work?
I am considering bringing up this idea with my husband. I wouldn't want an entirely open marriage, but would rather want some sort of agreement that sex with someone else a few times a year (maybe 2-4) is okay.
I'm considering this because I am just finding myself craving that fun, beginning of a relationship sex that you can just never have again once you have been in a relationship for a while. Role playing and spicing things up in the bedroom with my DH just aren't going to be enough to satisfy this itch.
Thoughts?
Re: Can an open marriage work?
I think this can work. HOWEVER, you need to talk this over with your husband and be sure you are both on the same page. There are a LOT of people out there who swing and there are a lot of different levels of this, starting with voyeurism and same room sex (you with your partner, next to (or near) another couple) to switching partners in the same room to even more wild situations.
Maybe something less wild would satisfy your itch, not turn off your husband, and keep the fear of disease and jealousy away. As the PP said, there are serious risks with this.
Communication is the most important part of an open marriage. I think that my friends who do swing have better marriages than my friends who don't because they have such amazing communication skills and have been able to keep the spark.
This is NOT to say that couples who don't swing don't communicate - I am sure they do communicate (this is just my observation of my circle of friends). This type of relationship is NOT for everyone....it's not for me.
good luck
This is an excellent point.
One of H's friends from grad school is polyamorous and married to a poly guy. They have a baby together and had a girlfriend earlier this year, but broke up with her. Their marriage doesn't seem to have suffered for it, though. They both are fairly incapable of jealousy, however, which is probably key to making an open marriage work.
How about some backstory regarding your marriage/relationship?
Who wants the open marriage -- you or him or both?
I am wondering if you have openly and frankly spoken to your husband regarding all things sexual -- and I wonder if there has been any communication at all with you and he regarding sex. I'm guessing there has been no communication (are you satified, is he, would you/he like more sex, issues to work on, etc) and you're looking for a quick one-size-fits all solution (open marriage) to your problem.
Your problem could be huge differences in sexual drive, a lack of sex overall or pretty much anything -- what's been happening between the both of you? Only you can answer that question.
Don't see 'open marriage" as the panacea for a problem in your relationship.
this!
"Made a covenant"? How do YOU know? Were you the officiant? What you did at YOUR marriage ceremony doesn't automatically apply to everyone.
Mommy loves you Eevee!
<a href="http://s834.photobucket.com/albums/zz270/cpali/?action=view
Have you never heard of a secular wedding ceremony? Not everyone is religious.
Are there married couples who sleep with other people and don't divorce? Sure there are.
Mommy loves you Eevee!
<a href="http://s834.photobucket.com/albums/zz270/cpali/?action=view
Mommy loves you Eevee!
<a href="http://s834.photobucket.com/albums/zz270/cpali/?action=view
Since when is the law involved if one contracts an STD or if there is an unplanned pregnancy???
Newsflash: YOU do not define marriage for anyone but yourself. MILLIONS of people have completely nonreligious marriages. I have no earthly clue how Mormonism or "special snowflakes" enter into your argument.
My take? It works. I know people in this lifestyle. The reason it works is because they are totally open and honest with each other about everything. This isn't something to be taken lightly. As for the STD/pregnancy part? You don't just go around picking up strangers at a bar. People in this lifestyle are more careful than anyone else you'll meet. There is usually a dating process just like any single person would have. Commitment from a marriage is still there. Most people in this lifestyle form friendships with others - think FWB type relationship and are completely committed emotionally to their spouse in the "traditional" sense.
To OP - before you try this make sure you're both good and ready. Decide what the rules are ahead of time and be VERY open to discussion about any issues either one of you may have, no matter how big or small.
Of course it is absolutely possible for it to 'work', to have a happy healthy relationship where there is acceptance, within specific guidelines, on having physical, sensual, sexual, and even emotional relationships with someone outside of the couple.
However, it is also very possible for this to be something that destroys a marriage. In order for it to be successful, both you and your husband must have plenty of time to think about it separately and talk about it together. You should both probably talk to a therapist to be sure that you are both confident with your relationship as it is and how it would be if you 'opened' the marriage. If either of you has a hesitation or doubt, then it can't and won't work.
So, should you talk to him tonight and find someone else tomorrow? Absolutely not. In fact, it could take months (or longer) for you both to be able to move forward with it, if your hubby would be okay with it at all. But it is something that you should feel important to bring up with your hubby. Be careful that you are careful of his feelings....if he's not on the same page even bringing it up could hurt him and cause a big problem in your relationship.
That's fair. Considering the question being posed I should not have assumed that they made any kind of traditional vows to monogamy. For me it comes down to three questions for the OP. I don't care if you answer them on here or not, I just want you to give them some serious thought.
1. What did you commit to/promise each other when you got married?
2. What made you want to get married in the first place?
3. Are you willing to risk the entire relationship to satisfy the itch?
I also agree with a PP that if this is out of the blue your DH may be in shock and take it personally, and that other avenues such as counseling should be explored before jumping into sexual relationships with other people. That being said, I still don't think swinging would help your relationship to your DH in the end and I definitely think marriage should be much more than a 'friends with benefits' relationship. It's your life and your relationship, but without a commitment to faithfulness and monogamy I think you will be cheating yourselves out of a totally different depth of relationship and love. I realize my comments may come across to some as narrowminded or old-fashioned. She asked for our opinions and this is mine.
There is a large polyamorous community here in Seattle, and I know a lot of folks who make it work. But I also know a lot of folks for whom it did not work, at least as originally intended. Myself included; my husband and I opened up our marriage after 6 years and we're now divorced. I really wanted it to work but the 3 of us (my new partner included) could not make it happen.
If you do plan to broach the subject with him, I would be very cautious. I suggest reading the book Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino. You read it first, then if you want to continue, have him read it.
Be VERY honest with yourself why you want this. Dig deep and learn all your motivations. I was not 100% honest with myself when I suggested opening it up, and it ended in disaster.
Be careful....PM me if you have any other questions, or want to talk about it away from this board.
~ Brittany
~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
NB, what exactly was your wedding ceremony like? Did you not make promises/vows? Are there not vows exchanged at secular wedding ceremonies? Is there a reason why YOU feel YOU need to CAPITALIZE different WORDS as if you are YELLING at fwb?! Most people assume vows are exchanged. That is kind of the reason you have a wedding at all, so people can witness the promises/commitment that the couple makes to one another.
YOU are full of assumptions, including the assumption that I had a wedding ceremony; and the assumption that everyone else's wedding/marriage must follow YOUR paradigm to be a marriage.
Mommy loves you Eevee!
<a href="http://s834.photobucket.com/albums/zz270/cpali/?action=view
Exactly this. My ex-H and were open(ish) before we got married, and our vows specifically excluded "forsaking all others." His father performed our ceremony, and nothing appeared to be missing.
In my mind, marriage is a contract between you and your spouse ONLY. Or with God, if you swing that way. Whatever rules you and your spouse decide upon, that's all that matters. What works for NB's (theoretical) marriage may not work for anyone else on this board. It doesn't matter. Your marriage rules have zero bearing on my own.
Period. End of story.
~ The Nestie formally known as MrsBrittany ~
DH and I have discussed this, but in all honesty, once you go down the path...you can't turn around again. This is why we have thought of it, but made the decision (mutually) that its not good for us to swing.
Me, I'm a jealous person by nature (and DH is too somewhat)...not psycho-ish but, we are very committed to eachother. I don't know if I could personally get past the idea of seeing DH kissing another woman, the way he does with me.
Lastly, I told DH that if he wants to have another woman in the bedroom (2 women, 1 male threesome) he must be willing to allow another man as well...(2 male, 1 female threesome) too
Aint gonna happen.
This. but you can pretend to have an affair with you DH and pretends u both are married to other people. or bring toys into the bedroom and just do ANYTHING that floats your boat WITH EACH OTHER. I understand that you want the excitement of someone new but you did make a commitment to him and you should keep it. I personally dont believe in "open marriages" because you might as well be single if you want endless flirting and excitement of someone new.
the other way is to talk to your DH and if he's okay with it then go for it. But do you really want to know if he's sleeping with someone else and be okay with it?Is it possible? Yes, but it?s not for everyone. There is much to consider. The two most important things are 1) communication 2) Are you wanting this for the right reasons? i.e. if it?s for emotional reasons IMO it?s best to steer clear. This is important as it can keep a marriage feeling like a marriage. However, if it?s about a more exciting ?sex toy? then it may work for you. Are either or both of you bi or bi-curious? This isn?t necessary, but when both parties are enjoying the same person it can create a better comfort with exploring a sexual experience together. It also can be more thrilling, as there are just some things that 3-4 people can do together that 2 can?t do alone.
Communication is key! Talk about it, then talk about it some more. Cover every what if, so you both know your limits. If you and your DH plan on trying out the lifestyle then I?d recommend starting out slow and at the VERY least keeping it in the same room. The imagination is always worse than reality, when it comes to jealousy. It?s better to test out the water slowly, than to jump in and damage your relationship. It?s ok to set up limits too; in fact most couples have rules. For example: no kissing, no c%ming on you, or no an@l. Find the right balance for you as a couple. Make sure you both know it's ok for either of you to say stop at any point.
In the lifestyle it?s important and usually expected that you play safe (condoms), to avoid pregnancy and disease. Know that NO means No, even if people change their mind. Never be pushy about anything. Never ?take one? for the team. Get to know if you like people on an intellectual level first. Have a couple of drinks to help calm your nerves. Good luck with whatever you decide.
IMO marriage is about love, the person you want to spend forever with. Marriage is a promise, but a couple can choose what that entails. It?s not (and shouldn?t be) the same for everyone. Sex does not = love. It can be separated for some people, but not all. Also, I think there is a big difference in cheating and playing together. I know people who have great marriages who are in the lifestyle and those who have great marriages without being in the lifestyle.