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First time posting here...
Hi ladies,
I'll briefly summarize why I decided to post here for help. I've been with my DH for 9 years, we'll be married 2 years on 10/24. We've had a lot of ups and downs over those years. DH is an alcoholic for starters which is the root of all of our issues. His sobriety has been on and off over those years.
We've been to counseling, I've moved out several times only to come back when he promises that he'll get help. Those promises were always came up empty.
Our fighting has escalated from shouting matches to physical violence with the last time being on Wednesday.
I've contacted an attorney to finally get the ball rolling to file for divorce. I know that my safety and well being are being affected now. it is time to go...
but why, with all that has been done and said, does it hurt so badly? I feel that everything that i hoped, believed, and shared with this one person, has been ripped away from me and that I feel like i've failed myself for not doing more.
I know I deserve better for my life but why the hell does it have to be so painful to let go?
TIA
Ivory
Re: First time posting here...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurts because you love this person, and you have wanted your marriage to work. But you recognize that if he isn't getting help for his addiction, you can't help him, and you are putting yourself in danger by staying. Of course it hurts. Please remember that you're doing the right thing and that you cannot fix him if he is unwilling to get help, and your safety has to be your first priority.
Do you have somewhere to stay? Do you have separate finances?
My family and friends are super supportive and I can crash at several places until I can get back on my feet to be able to get an apartment. Thankfully, we do have separate finances. Something that we would argue over - I wanted to combine he wanted status quo. I guess keeping the status quo was a wise decision on his part.
When I filed for divorce from my XH, I mourned more for the loss of the dream than I did for the relationship itself. That's what hurt so bad - that I had put all this time, energy, and love into a relationship and it still didn't work. The future was unknown and I was afraid, and that contributed to the pain as well. I felt like a failure.
We're human, we're going to feel hurt. I can tell you that it gets easier - the beginning is always the hardest.
I'm glad you've made the decision to leave. Please take care of yourself and keep us updated.
I think it's always painful to let go of the plans and dreams we had for our lives, even when we know it's for the best. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be disappointed. Let yourself grieve for what you've lost and then, when you're done, move forward. Make new dreams and plans for you. Know that whatever your new dreams and plans are, they'll be different but better because they won't be filled with fear and anger and uncertainty.
You will be sad, you will wish it were different, you'll hurt but you have to know that you're making the right choice.
When I left my violently angry ex, I was miserable for a while. I had to fake it for a while: Make myself go out with my friends, make myself put on a happy face, make myself do things on the weekends and evenings after work instead of staying home by myself. Eventually, I wasn't making myself anymore and I wasn't faking it anymore. I was looking forward to what was to come instead of grieving what I had lost. It'll happen but you have to give yourself what you need to get there.
Good luck. You've made a good decision and one you'll be grateful for soon.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Good, it sounds like you are on the right track. Allow yourself to mourn for what Bowies very accurately called the loss of the dream. You know that the reality isn't what it was supposed to be, and it's okay to grieve. Just be sure you carry through your plan! And please stick around. This is a great board and if you ever need a reality check, tough love, etc we are good at that
Thank you for sharing your experiences and words of encourgement. I know that life "is" better than what it is now. I just have to keep telling myself that I am allowed to grieve, cry and be sad but with time, I know that things will get better.
I have an appointment with the attorney on Friday morning.
In addition to the attorney, I think you'd be wise to seek out an individual counselor and you may want to see if there are Al-Anon meetings in your area. I think both would be very helpful given your situation.
Good luck and keep us posted, OK?
Leaving an addict is very difficult. You're doing the right thing for yourself to leave the situation. It hurts for a number of reasons. Bowies mentioned the loss of a dream, of the life you signed up to have, the life you deserver to have! To top it off, you know that you were there for him while he attempted sobriety. Leaving someone without your support is difficult to do.
I suggest al-alon meetings and/or counseling to help you deal with these issues. As an XW of a drug addict, I understand how hard it is and the rainbow of emotions you're going through. Embrace the sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, and elation (when you realize you're free from the addiction). These feelings are all normal. Good luck to you. Also, there are a lot of former spouses of addicts on the Starting Over board if you'd like additional support.
Thank you all again.
Going back to individual counseling was the next thing on my to-do list.