Trouble in Paradise
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He's 30. I'm 37.
Hey all! Long time no talk...
I know this topic has been discussed quite a bit but I don't remember specific peoples' opinions and I'm curious as to what everyone thinks.
I met a nice guy recently who is 30 and I'm 37. Do you think he's too young for me?
Re: He's 30. I'm 37.
I'm 30. My H is 37. I haven't divorced him yet.
I need more than age to determine whether or not he's too young. And I guess a lot of that hinges on the question of children.
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What would you like to know?
Eh, this kind of age gap doesn't make me stop short. His being "only" 30 would be my bigger pause depending on what it is that you are looking for and ready for (as in, if you are wanting to get married and have kids in the next couple years - is he at that stage too, or does he want to wait?).
If this was 20 and 27, I might be a little more skeptical, but 30 and 37? Not as much.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Where is he in his life right now? Settled into a career, location, etc? Do you want children? does he? What's the timeline here?
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30 and 37 to me is "borderline" for an age difference.
I know of a couple; she is 31, he is mid 60s. THey married 10 years ago. They are splitting up (found an old bf on FB) and my guess also is that their ages were a factor eventually.
I know of somebody who married a 28 year old when she was 44; they are still together 10 years later but I've always wondered why he bothered (he left her on a shelf, spends too much time with his friends and he's doing it now, even 10 years later). I'm guessing it was a marriage of convenience for him; she didn't much care who she married, so long as she GOT married.:(
Age is a factor here, too: he is way immature but she didn't care.
I guess you guys said what I expected. It's probably not much of an age difference given we are in the same place in our lives and generally want the same things. I suppose that's what matters given this is only a 7 year difference in our 30s (I agree it would be MUCH different if I'd said 27 and 20!).
Ok, I realize you didn't have much information but these are not good comparisons just based on age differences alone.
Normally, I wouldn't even attempt to discuss when one wants kids until 6 months in except offhandedly. But in your circumstances, I think I'd ask him where he sees himself in 2-3 years. I don't think I'd flat out say, dude, when you want a babies but I would feel him out, in addition to feeling him up obviously. lol
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I don't think age has as much to do it as where one is in their life, especially as you get older. For example, I'm 25. I have more in common with my 35 year old co-worker than I would a 20 year old.
ETA: Not that I would date either, but I'd be more likely to go out with an older man at the same life stage than a younger guy who doesn't know where they're at in life, yet.
Honestly, the discussion about when he wants more children is the hard thing to time. I don't want to scare the guy off by talking about it too soon but I also can't wait forever either. I think, for now, I'm just going to hope it comes up organically in a casual way. I mean, he's not stupid, the man knows my age and knows that means I can't wait too long.
Oh, and for the feeling him up part. Yeah. YUM! He's HOT.
If you definitely want children, this is a conversation you'll probably need to have early on in any relationship, I'd think.
With BF I just asked him early on if he was one and done or if he wanted more children. He said he wanted more, and that was that. Now we are both in our late 20s, so we didn't have to have the "when" conversation at that point, but I don't think it has to be terribly awkward, it's just factual. You're 37, you want kids. If he doesn't want more children within the next few years, you know that up front and can move on.
His child is a year old. The relationship was on again / off again when the child was conceived. He says he and the mom are in a good place as far as co-parenting.
He jokes that he had a child out of wedlock because he like to perpetuate all stereotypes about black men.
Those details don't make for a mature 30 year old. I would pass.
Meh, it was a joke and I found it funny.
Well, that's the real reason I have three baby daddies. Helleeeeer!
In this case, I would ask if he intends to be married before having the next one.
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The joke is fine, but when you think two people with a baby are coparenting well it's kind of humorous. Taking care of babies really isn't what causes issues. When the kid is 3+ you can better understand someone's custody and parenting situation.
And I'll be an arse and add anyone in an on again off again relationship that accidentally gets pregnant just isn't quality in my book.
I didn't ask directly if he intends to be married before he has more kids. As in, I didn't say, "Hey, do you intend to be married before you have more kids?" I asked him why they weren't married; if it was that she wasn't the person he wanted to marry or if he just didn't want to get married. He said it was that she wasn't the person he wanted to marry and that he definitely wants to be married.
The joke was actually pretty darn funny because he then followed it up by saying he also doesn't know how to swim and is afraid of dogs. He totally deadpanned it too.
From you, this is incredibly fuuking rich. For serious.
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Well you are certainly the leading authority on relationships, so kaneen, I totally think you should listen to RW.
Yeah, this. All of it... including the feeling up part.
FWIW, I'm 29 and H is 36. We know many couples who are 7 years apart. In some the man is older, and others the woman is older. So far, so good in our circle.
These couples have been together for awhile... ranging anywhere from 25 years to 6 years (the 6 year newbs would be H and me).
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Now you just have to ask him if he sees himself having more kids or if he thinks he's done.
Then you'll be good.
Although, not to sound like a demanding heifer but I think at 37 it's an important question to ask yourself. How much do you want kids? Would you like to have them but could be fine if you never did or do you like really, really want them? Are you open to other options for expanding your family?
After you answer those questions for yourself, you'll know better what you need to talk to him about, kwim? I mean 37 ain't old and it sure isn't out of baby range or anywhere near it. But at 37, if you're dead set on giving birth to a child without medical intervention, you can't spend a year or two on a guy who is meh on getting married and having more or for whom it isn't a priority.
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My last relationship didn't work, but it doesn't mean he was some bottom of the dating pool scum. Great guy, ultimately couldn't give me what I want and need from a relationship.
Kaneen is pretty levelheaded, so I'm going to assume that this guy has some very strong positive qualities besides his ability to procreate.
No one else has a problem with a 29 year old that can't use birth control? Really??