Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: He's 30. I'm 37.
The age difference wouldn't bother me unless, as others were saying & you were too, having children was important to me. You want to find out if the person you are looking to make a life with is on the same page with children etc. Everyone else pretty much covered it, but the age difference alone would not cancel him out by itself.
Good Luck Kaneen! I hope you find what you are looking for.
My H is 10 years older than I am, and I joke about how he'll croak first so I took out a good insurance policy on him. I guess I'm not quality in RW's book, y'all.
Kaneen, like HS said, in terms of kids you'll have to have the discussion sooner rather than later anyway. And it IS good to have a sense of humor about it in general, because you'll get a lot of comments along the lines of 'omggg I would never, it's so weird, YOU'RE so weird,' etc. If it's not weird, it's just not weird.
You don't know me, I feel sorry for your husbands, etc. Meh.
DH and I are 13 years apart.
I think the "where are you in life" is more important than the "what is your age. When I met DH, he had been investing in his career, so he wasn't married, didn't have kids (but wanted them), owned a condo (not a house), etc.
(now)-DH seemed "younger" to me than some of his (same age as dh's friends), who were on their 2nd marriages and were the father of teenagers (and was done having kids). I think at that point of my life, I could have dated a divorced father of young kids, but definately not the father of teens. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I'm not sure I would want to be only 10 years older than someone's children. So out of that circle, DH was the only "older" pereson I could see myself with.
If you are on the same page, 7 years is not that big a deal, IMO.
I think it's pretty ballsy to assume that every pregnancy is a result of a failure to use birth control. I also think it odd to presume that they didn't learn their lesson the first time around and have since kept it on a tight lease. Add to that, what he did with birth control in his previous relationship has little to no bearing on what they do now provided kaneen has an open and honest discussion about what they will do in their own relationship.
It's once a cheater, always a cheater. Not once a birth control failure, always a birth control failure.
And honestly, I didn't say shiit about your last boyfriend. But once could easily say that anyone who would procreate with a douche isn't quality given that you describe your marriage as being fairly fuuked from the jump. Also, really, your behavior wrt to your ex and the fact that you two can't make it civil means you have no room to just someone else's on again, off again relationship given that they are already strides ahead of you on the coparenting front.
Pots and kettles, my dear. Pots and kettles.
Click me, click me!
Well, in this sitch, you have the bonus of coparenting a stepson from an early age. Do you think you'd find that a satisfying situation?
I don't think you have to be sure and have all the answers here. But I do think an open dialogue is important. If you aren't deadset, then you'll probably grow to this opinions as the relationship progresses, kwim?
It does sound like a good start though.
My only remaining question that you need to get clarity on asap is what kind of involvement he has in his child's life. I think that says "quality" far more than an unplanned pregnancy.
Click me, click me!
I met my dh when I was 39 and he was 32. I still have him around.
Oh, it's a daughter, not a son but that's not the point...
I grew up in a stepfamily. I know they are difficult but I also know they are rewarding. I'm totally open to this type of family (well, I guess that's obvious or I wouldn't be dating him, would I?
)
As to the question about his involvement in his daughter's life. He has her every other weekend and various times throughout the week (the during the week time varies b/c of his schedule and the mom's). One of the things I found most telling was that his DD came up in conversation the first time I met him.
edit: I wrote DH instead of DD - whoops!
Awwwww! It's a really cute age.
I say go for it.
Click me, click me!
Um, sometimes accidents happen. It's how one handles those accidents that shows someone's character. I'd love to know what he should have done differently. Are dating couples not supposed to have sex? Because, really, that's the only 100% effective birth control. Hell, I accidentally got pregnant while on the Pill. BF was conceived while his mom had an IUD.
I mean, Jesus Christ, the man became a father at 29 with someone he was dating at the time. I'm going to assume that wasn't his first girlfriend, which means he had his shiit on lockdown before then. He's not some promiscuous 18-year-old with 4 kids who refuses to wear a condom.
And to Kaneen: I wouldn't bat an eyelash at a 7 year age difference when you're both in your 30s (or above).
This times a million. My boyfriend's kid was totally unplanned but I have not found that to have any bearing on his quality as a man, a father, or a partner.
I am 35 and just married my 28 year old dh, so we have the exact same age difference. Now we're pregnant! So we may have some similarities.
When we first dated, I never thought about the age difference except when something came up like in a trivia game that he was too young to know. (Then I would think 'wow, he never saw the superman movies!') but other than that, I never thought about it. So I would ask you, do you think about the age difference when you are together? If not, that is a good sign. That is the first question to ask.
Like you, by the time I met dh I had come to terms with the fact that I might not have another child (I have a dd 7), so I did not ask about his wanting children right away. But about 4 months in or so I did ask him about children, and where he saw this relationship going. I was happy to hear that he was serious, and that we were on the same page. Months later, when we were really solid, I talked to him more specifically about timing and my age, and it was a really comfortable open conversation.
When we started ttc, I honestly got a little anxious, thinking to myself, 'what if I can't give him what he wants, because of my age'. It's stupid, but it was how I felt inside. That was really the only time I have felt bad about the age difference. But so far <knock on wood> that worry has been unfounded.
So I don't know if that helps at all, but I was inspired to share when I saw the age difference was the same for both of us. The biggest litmus test for me was the fact that, after I learned about it, I pretty much forgot about the age difference- because he is mature, reliable, etc and put up no red flags. Good luck!
RW, the only options here are not "failure to use bc" or "actively ttc in an off/on relationship".
My sister is a sponge baby. My friend has two birth control pill babies. My ex-SIL has a broken condom pregnancy. And so on. It happens. Even if it was a failure to use bc, again, that doesn't automatically make him a low quality candidate.
I really hope you just read that wrong.
Good point.
So if he wasn't ready for marriage (and I'm getting the jist that the pregnancy wasn't planned, so not ready for a child a year ago)? Are you sure he's ready for those things right now?
I'd much rather accidentally get pregnant by an upstanding guy than to purposely get pregnant by someone who's a douche.
BF and I are 42 (me) and 38 (him). We met when I was 3 wks from 37 and he was 33. At first I wasn't sure only because I didn't want to feel so old! But he seems older than me and looks older than me, so I'm okay with it. Most people wouldn't guess that I'm older than him.
I used to get hung up on age, but now I'm at the point in my life where age doesn't really matter anymore.
Maybe he wasn't ready for marriage with that woman but if the right woman comes along he might change his mind. Also, having a baby (even an oops baby) makes you see things differently in your life.
::headdesk::
Really? Really!?!? So, let's pretend you had gotten KU by your douche XBF and you decided to go your separate ways and co-parent. Does that mean you aren't ready for marriage because you didn't want to marry him? I mean, FFS RW. You are being really thick about this.
Right. I get the impression this was about the woman, not his readiness for marriage. We tell people all the time not to marry someone they shouldn't be marrying. This guy chose not to marry the wrong woman, and we're going to dismiss him for it?
She's going out of her way to try to find someone who is 'stupider' about relationships than she is.
Also, people are allowed to change their minds. If you are destined to be married, at some point that feeling of being ready to be married comes along. Even if it's a year after you have a child with a woman who you didn't want to marry a year ago. At some point you are ready.
You can't penalize someone forever just because at one point in time they weren't ready. I think it takes a mature person to admit they aren't ready instead of getting married just because they have a kid.
RW, just stop talking. Your last boyfriend was "good guy"? Isn't this the one who was weirded out by the squirting and then broke up with you via email, and then you took him back?
The only options aren't "no birth control" or "planned pregnancy." I got pregnant with an IUD. Birth control fails, genius.
And you and your XH suck at co-parenting because you're a hysterical drama queen and he's a douche-ass, and you refuse to discipline your child appropriately because everything that goes wrong is someone else's fault.
I am revoking your rights to give relationship advice.
Just because a man does not marry a particular woman doesn't mean he isn't ready for marriage. It can mean he doesn't want to marry that particular woman. It makes me crazy when some women automatically jump to the "well, he just wasn't ready for marriage" because sometimes, that's not the problem in the slightest.
Sometimes he's just not that into you.
Click me, click me!
Right he does get a lot of credit for not just marrying her anyway! But you're definitely not ready for marriage if you refuse to get out of an on again off again relationship with someone you don't want to marry.
You mean just like you?