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IRRrrr - i -Tated
Last weekend my BIL and SIL and niece drove over to another city not too far from ours to see my FIL and the rest of the family, more BILs, and SIL. Everyone came, they took a bunch of pictures downtown which they posted on Facebook, and had a big family dinner with everyone - and they didnt invite us. My husband and I and our son were the only ones not there. I'm irritated by this. Of course I have not said anything. But I do think it was my brother in law who organized it and he's been jealous of any attention that we get, and I think that he purposely did not invite us.
What set me off is....
We have everyone over every year for 5 years running for Thanksgiving. This year, my FIL is bringing his new girlfriend and she is bringing her 2 kids. There will be 13 ppl total. Today the girlfriend emails me and says that her and my FIL are planning to come down to our house right before Thanksgiving to" close in our open porch on the back of the house and rent tables and chairs for everyone for the meal".
UMMMM....I have been holding Thanksgiving for 5 years now - I think this is increadibly rude of her and him to assume this is OK without at least ASKING! I am a freaking adult, hosting everyone. I had already planned on seating some ppl in the livingroom and some in the dinning room.
Also, now I am pissed and psycotically thinking that everyone planned this last weekend while we werent at the "family gathering". I need new inlaws. My family is in Michigan and wouldnt try to pull any of this crap.
Sorry / Rant Over. I think its PMS.
Re: IRRrrr - i -Tated
HOWEVER, maybe this is time to open up talk about Thanksgiving. You say that you were going to seat some in the LR (and what would they eat on exactly?) and some in the DR. Yes, perhaps this was discussed last weekend and the consensus is that they would all like to sit together. But, as Thanksgiving seems to be "yours", they feel they can't speak up and/or no one else can offer to host it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Regarding the family dinner, did you actually TALK to anyone about this? "Hey, the dinner looked like it was fun! We would've loved to have attended, you should've called us!" People aren't mind-readers. They may have thought you were busy or something. Politely let them know that you would be interested in a family dinner next time everyone is in town together, or offer to host/organize it yourself.
If BIL is truly not inviting you out of "jealousy," so what? It's really sad that a grown man would act that way, but even sadder that you are hung up on it. Laugh it off and let it go, and make plans with the rest of the family for another time if you want to see them so badly. If BIL is really going this to get your goat (which somehow I doubt), you're falling right into his trap by getting pissed over it. But don't go around making assumptions that he's "just jealous" of you, because frankly it makes you come across as self-absorbed.
Regarding FIL and his girlfriend, I'm not quite following the story here. Is your problem that FIL invited the girlfriend and her children to Thanksgiving without asking you? If that's the case ... if you don't have enough room, your husband needs to call FIL and say that there isn't room for that many people. But if the only issue here is that they invited themselves over and you would've invited them otherwise, then just let it go.
Or is the issue that she said you should host people on your porch rather than in the house? If so, it seems like you're taking this WAY too personally. Just say, "Great idea, but we usually host people indoors and it works better for us that way, so I think we're all set. Thank you for offering to rent chairs for us, though! The porch will be available all day, so maybe we can sit out there for coffee and pie after dinner."
I get the vibe that you're really overreacting here.
Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.
They know we're interested in hanging out. I had invited everyone over the week prior and neither the FIL nor my SIL could make it, so one would think that they would have thought to invite us...my brother in law is the self absorbed one in the fam. He is the younger brother and everyone in the family bends over backwards to give him special attention because if he doesnt get it he throws a fit. After 10 yrs of being with my H I am used to it, but it does irritate me from time to time.
My problem with the FIL's girlfriend is that who, when invited to come to your house for the first time at thanksgiving, tells you that they are going to come over the week beforehand and close in your porch and rent tables and chairs when you're the one hosting the event!? Its wierd. Its rude. If you don't think so - then you're wierd and rude too.
Yeah, maybe they do feel that way - but I think asking would be better than just deciding that they're going to come down and take over my house. My H is going to call his dad tonight and say "what now, what?" and just ask what the heck they are thinking. I actually dont mind the help with planning, I guess I am just a stickler for manners.
To your issue- yes, I think we ALL agree that your FIL and his GF just deciding to close in your porch w/o talking to you is rude. I don't think anyone is going to disagree.
But I think you and your DH need to approach this from a questioning standpoint instead of a defensive one.
I'm asking this as a genuine question, and I push you to be really, really honest w/ yourself - if someone from his family called you up and said "Hey, w/ the group up to 13 people, we feel your house is too small to accomodate everyone. ___ would like to host Thanksgiving this year" - what would your reaction be?
Would you be relieved and say "Oh, that's great. yeah, it would be a tight fit!", or would you be pissed and incensed that your home, while small, isn't deemed good enough?
I'm not defending how FIL and his GF handled this. At ALL. But there is something to your posts and your reactions here that make me feel that you're very defensive and reactionary and that his family might actually be a little "afraid" of you and don't know the best way to say "we want to all be able to eat together.".
So.... you have a choice. Stand on your soapbox of "manners" and don't back down and be angry and pissy w/ them, or step down and try to look at the bigger picture and ask your DH to TALK to his family about Thanksgiving and figure out if there is concern about you all hosting it. And see if something can be done that makes everyone happy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You have complete control over this situation. Your house, your say in what happens. I don't understand why you just don't say something like, "Thanks for the offer, but it won't be necessary as I've got it covered." and be done w/ it.
Dear God woman, she was just trying to help you and give you something to think about. What is wrong with you ?
Instead of IRRrrr-i-Tated, it should say DRRrrr-a-Matic
I am chilled out, it was just a rant, thats why I went online instead of calling them up and expressing irritation - instead I ranted. I didnt think that a million strangers would try to analyze my situtation and tell me I was being controlling by thinking this was rude of her, and being sad about not being invited to an event with the rest of the family. Thanks for the advice.
Because I have been on this board for a while and I know that being rude to strangers is never ECB intention. She gives out fantastic and helpful advice.
I really can't see how anyone was being rude to you.
Well if you simply wanted to talk it out and to get it off of your chest, perhaps a diary or a journal would be better suited for you.
I'm sensing a DD about to happen.
Yeah, you dont know my brother in law, you dont know my life, but thanks for all the assumptions you just made about me random internet person! Its called ranting.
Well, we all now know enough about you to know WHY you weren't invited.
Pretty soon they'll all be recommending that you get some counseling for your anger issues. Venting/ranting here is sometimes just a waste of time. Sometimes things are taken way out of context and some make you out to be a lunatic.
There is a family member on DH's side that is the same way. It is irritating. Also, MIL has been coming our house for T-giving for 12 years and every year she calls and suggests that I move my dining table into the living room because she feels that it's inappropriate to serve dinner at a table that's in the kitchen. I tell her no and that I will have it the way that I want it. After all, it's about being together with family and eating food, not about where you dine.
It sounds like you just need to find your voice and express how you feel to these people or just make plans with the family that don't involve the BIL. Try to shrug it off.
You clearly don't really like DH's family, and I know you have your reasons. BUT they are his family and they aren't going anywhere. If you only react to them out of anger, nothing will ever get better. Taking a step back, cooling off, and looking at the bigger picture might help you find a better way to handle them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am going to validate adoranora here a bit and say that I too would find the email from your FIL's new girlfriend to be out of line.
She may just be a poor communicator but I think she really didn't handle this well. Maybe they were trying to help out--she felt bad because she is now adding three people and that is why you can't seat everyone together like in past years. However, the FIL should have gotten in touch and asked you if it would be any help if they rented some tables and chairs.
I don't even know what that business is about closing in your porch but it was totally inappropriate. Do you have a normal porch with a railing and they were going to come and winterize it and make it like another room? Are we talking permanent changes here, or do you have storm windows or something that they were going to help you install.
My feelings would also be hurt about the party but you probably just need to let it go. I've been in that situation and people just start backtracking and you don't end up feeling satisfied with the explanation anyway.
I was going to say the same thing. Perhaps the better route would have been to write a pretend rant letter to your relatives, and then burn it in a little fire in the backyard.
Sounds like you're way too oversensitive. If that's how you react to perfectly friendly advice on an internet forum, I can imagine that the intentions of your family members are also perfectly friendly.
About the Thanksgiving thing, I do think it's rude to just take charge and invite yourself to close in the porch and rent tables and chairs. She should have called and asked if that was fine. However, I do find odd that you're hosting thanksgiving, but then seating everyone separately. When we host thanksgiving, we do 3 tables in the living room/breakfast room so everyone can sit together because our dining room just can't handle everyone. It sounds like your family would prefer to sit together rather than separately. Maybe you should actually listen to their ideas and figure out something that works for everyone.
You're so right. I'm ever the hostess so it sort of shocked me that someone would suggest coming to my house and renting chairs and tables etc. Our porch is an open porch, and very long and would accommodate a large table and I think she means to put up some sort of screens or drapes and heat lamps - which is a nice gesture and I know she means well. I just wasnt prepared for the offer cause....we always have a nice thanksgiving and manage to accommodate a big family in our small house. I am totally open to the idea of someone else hosting Thanksgiving and always have been, people just seem to want to come to our house, or at least have always asked me year in and year out : "you're hosting thanksgiving again, right?!" I say "SURE!'. I just need to call her and FIL and talk through their plans I guess. Thanks so much for being kind and real and offering a genuine response to my post. I should have known better, oh the internets!
PS - My hubbys name is Gavin, love your choice of names for the little ones!
Thats always been fine with me, but no one else has ever offered so the tradition continues...maybe this years the year.
Now thats just mean. Maybe you should take a long look in the mirror yourself. If you have to go online and bully some person venting about going through a hard time...just sayin'
LOL....it is no shock that you call that bullying. Calling a drama queen and whiner a drama queen and whiner isn't bullying it is telling it like it is. You were right we dont know you, we only know what you told us and we had to form an opinion. I think mine is dead on.
And if you think these things you post about are "hard times" you need to grow up. Maybe take a look in the mirror and realize how unimportant these issues are in the big picture... just sayin'
Like others, I find it strange that the FIL's gf went out of her way to 'take charge' of Thanksgiving. However, I do not think you write her off as a rude person before knowing the whole story.
Perhaps there's more back story to this. Is it possible that your FIL mentioned to her that your house may be a little cramped and adding three people would make it a burden on you and your husband? She may have simply thought that she and her two kids may be a burden and didn't want to be a hassle to you and your husband. So instead of making you and your husband stressed out with finding room for people, she may have thought she was helping you out.
I'm not saying that I agree with her trying to take over, but I think that without getting frustrated with her, you need to know the whole story. Have your husband talk to your FIL and have him ask why she'd consider doing this. Your FIL may tell your H something you'd have never thought of. I'd hate for you to get off a bad start with your FIL's girlfriend because of a simple misunderstanding, that is if there's any.