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I had a breakthrough in therapy today.
I'm going to my counselor almost every week, because I know I need it with this new stuff I'm doing.
It started out normal, updating on the week and any challenges, etc. and we got to talking about XH.
I saw him again last week - I was on the phone and almost didn't see him, but there he was, heading into my building. His head was WAY down, like almost smushed into his neck, so I'm pretty sure he saw me and was trying to pretend he was invisible.
So I got to talking about regret and how I wasted a lot of my life being depressed and in that shiitty relationship (whine whine) and talked about how when we were together (more than 5 years) I gained - wait for it - a HUNDRED pounds.
A hundred pounds of emotional eating, unhappiness, and other emo stuff. I've lost about 60 of it off and on for a few years now.
Although we've been divorced for three years, I still mourn a little bit and can't quite grasp the fact that he doesn't have any control over me or my future. And I came to realize I'm carrying this extra weight of HIM. Fat and him... it's still with me, and when I hit that goal of where I was before I met him, I'll feel like he finally doesn't have control of any part of me any more. The weight is GONE, his hold on me, physical or emotional or whatever - all those bonds will be broken. FINALLY
And I went through the rest of the hour holding in sobs. lol. I didn't think that was how I felt about it, at all. It really doesn't make any logical sense, and I know that. But wow does it make emotional sense to me. I can't wait for the day when I get there.
I know this belongs in a blog somewhere and probably not here. But I really needed to discuss. Thanks, guys.
Re: I had a breakthrough in therapy today.
Good for you. I bet it feels a little strange to see the problem, know you're moving away from it, and just watch it in the rear view mirror like, "Was I really there? Did I get through this?" I'm sure it's like looking back at a pile-up.
This too, shall pass. And you're taking great measures to get through it. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say this makes me proud of you. (And I don't even know you!)
And let's hear it for the 60 lb weight loss!!!!!
I know what you mean, gault. And I'm glad you realized this today.
I gained weight during my marriage so my XH wouldn't touch me. I did it subconsciously of course - if I had said to myself that I should gain weight so he wouldn't find me desirable anymore, that would have raised the "I need therapy" alarm.
I lost a lot of the weight near the end of the marriage and after the marriage ended, but I still have a good amount left to lose. I think I'm still hiding behind it to some degree - I try to blend in with the crowd and go unnoticed. If a guy checks me out (which happened today when I was in my gym clothes, LOL), it at once flatters me and puts me on edge.
I've thought about going back to therapy. While I've dealt with the vast majority of my baggage, this remains the sticking point.
*giant bewb-squishing hug*
I knew the eating was because I was unhappy, but I never thought of LOSING it as symbolic of my life when I was with him, you know? Suddenly it makes more sense, and all the more reason to follow through with what I'm doing to fvcking kick this weight's azz. I have a face to it now, time to kick it in the nads!
I can relate to gaining a ton of weight in bad relationships as well - I put on about 55 pounds in a really bad relationship I was in for 5+ years and then it hung around while I just coasted in a bad relationship with ex-FI. Once I left and worked a lot on myself and my happiness, that weight came off and I've since felt like I am back to myself.
I think food is an easy way to physically "feel" good even though you are so unhappy and it really doesn't make you feel good. It's a temporary fix to a long-term problem. I'm glad you realized this, this gives you a lot of your own power back! Hooray!
I'm proud of you Gault!!
And I'm another one who gained a lot in a bad relationship. During 18 mos. of marriage I gained 30 lbs so that was an average of 20 lbs/yr, I would have likely kept gaining had I not kicked him out. It was such a desperate, miserable situation that I self-medicated constantly with food. Losing it has taken a long time but it felt amazing when I finally got back into my pre-wedding size pants.
You WILL get there and it really will feel like the last weight of that bad relationship (and him) has been lifted.