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My husband always compares responsibilities.
I am 27 years old, my husband is 28. We have been married for 1 year. I knew that getting married, starting a family, etc. all meant more responsibilities, compromise, understanding, etc.
Whenever I ask my husband to do something around the house, his response is always basically asking me to do something else in return... I just don't get it. I never imagined that this is what marriage would be like. I always looked at my parents and when one asked the other to do something, there was never any of this "well, what are you going to do?"
I know I shouldn't be comparing because every marriage is different, but when my husband acts like this I can't help but feel like an enemy...like he thinks I'm trying to take advantage of him in some way. For example, my husband is the one that usually does the laundry, but when he takes it out of the dryer, he doesn't fold it, it just sits in the baskets until I fold it and put it away. (We put away our own laundry by the way). So today I asked if when he is taking the laundry out of the dryer he could separate his clothes from mine....just take both baskets and while taking it out, put mine in one basket and his in the other. This would make it a lot easier for me when folding and putting away the laundry because I wouldn't have to shuffle through it to determine whose is what, etc. His immediate response was "no, it will take too long and I don't have time as it is to do everything I want to do". This by the way refers to his hobbies.
When finally, after a lot of talking from me, he agreed to separate the laundry, he said "but then can you make the bed?". (FYI, I leave for work first, so he is still sleeping when I leave in the morning. So, he would like me to make the bed when I get home from work.)
I feel like every time I ask him to do something I get this kind of a response...like he expects something for something. He can't just help me out when I ask for it. Oh, and just to let you know, I make dinner, I do the general cleaning in the house (dishes, dusting, clearing/setting tables, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). He vacuums, mows the lawn and does the laundry. But I never mention whether I do more around the house or not. I don't feel that this should be an issue in the sense that I don't believe in equally divided responsibilities... I just think we should want to help each other... if one of us asks for help I think the other should help without expecting anything in return.
It is so hard for me to accept that my husband is this way. I know that there is something so much deeper in me when it comes to this. It's not just about house duties...I would love to give myself wholly to my husband...I would do anything and everything for him, but I can't. I mean I find myself continuously having to explain myself when I ask him to help and then I feel like I'm nagging, but on the other hand why should I have to do everything around the house? How can he tell me that he won't do something because he doesn't have time for his hobbies? If this is how he feels/thinks then why did he get married? Why not just stay a bachelor? Then he would have time for everything without the need to actually be a responsible adult.
Another thing he does is he leaves plates, cups, etc. all over the place. I don't say anything first because I understand that after dinner sometimes you're just so full that you want to rest a bit before cleaning up. Ok. But one time I was stubborn and left his dirty dishes on the table where he left them. I cleaned up my own and believe me when I say that his dishes sat there for the next 2 days until I finally said something to him. This is another constant argument we have.
I worry that when we have kids, he will be a bad example to them. I don't want them to think that I am a maid/servant. I expect that my kids will clean up after themselves, that they will help out around the house. I want to raise them the way my mom raised me...to be a good person willing to offer help and willing to sacrifice personal time to help others and take care of responsibilities. In my opinion, everyone has personal interests, hobbies, etc. but once you commit to another person whether it is by marriage or common law you have to, in my opinion, put that person before yourself. I am willing to do that for my husband, I am willing to sacrifice my own needs, wants, etc. for my husband, but I know he is not willing to do that for me and that hurts. I'm not saying I expect him to give up his hobbies. I consider myself to be a very understanding person, but I'm just having an incredibly hard time accepting this.
I love my husband, but sometime...often...I feel like he is lazy and selfish and it hurts so much because I want to give my all to him, but I always feel like there is this barrier that he puts up between us, this defensive wall.
I don't know how to deal with this. I've tried talking to him, telling him how I feel, how he makes me feel and like we used to talk about everything before we got married, now he just thinks I nag because there are things that I expected, things I would like to change and he just wants everything to stay the same. He doesn't seem to want to change for the sake of my happiness because it would mean he has to put to much effort into it. That's what I get out of our conversations.
What do I do? How else am I supposed to deal with this? I do feel like I have this image in my mind of the person I wish my husband would be and he just isn't. Am I supposed to "deal with that" and shut up? Shouldn't we both be willing to work at making the marriage wonderful?
Re: My husband always compares responsibilities.
I think that you should look at chores as a joint event. Work on a chart together to divide up things on a weekly basis if you have to. It sounds like it would be helpful to do that for a visual depiction so your H could see it.
One week he does laundry (ALL of it) and the other week you do it etc. Basically as long as it gets done then you are both free to do whatever else you want with your time.
That is how we do it here. We either verbally go over what each of us is going to do this week (example: H is doing yard work, cat boxes & the bathrooms. Betty is doing dishes, laundry & floors). As long as it gets done we don't worry about it. Maybe that would work for your household?
PS- what is this shyt about not picking up dishes after himself? Did his mommy vacuum under his arse and pick up his plates for him so he didn't have to do it? WTF? That kind of stupid is just him being lazy & inconsiderate. He doesn't have to actually do the dishes (if its not his week or whatever) but FFS he can rinse the dish & put it in the sink for pete's sake.
Did you live together before you got married? If so, was he like this?
If this is a change in his behavior, you need to have a discussion about the change. If he was always like this, you need to smack yourself silly for having married a guy who did this ever.
Ok...you are now married and he is being a "tit for tat" kind of guy. Time to have a serious sit down about this -- chores and his actions. As PP suggested, make a chore list of everything that has to get done on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Then each of you should take your preferred chores. Discuss getting a housecleaner once or twice a month if you can afford it to take the big cleaning stuff off of your plates.
Then discuss how his comments make you feel. Make sure to have concrete examples. "When you say this, I feel offended - as if you think I am not pulling my weight in the house. I think that I am shouldering a fair share of the burden, so I have to ask - why do you feel the need to ask me to do something if I have asked you to do something (like you did last Tuesday night)?" Then listen to his answer. The bed making one is a good one. Tell him "The other night, you asked me to be responsible for making the bed. Since you are the last one in the bed in the morning, I think that it makes more sense for you to make the bed when you wake up, rather than having me do it when I get home. (or just don't bother because it isn't an important thing) Let's discuss it."
The laundry thing is just weird to me. Why are you doing laundry separately? If you are doing your own loads, why is your laundry ending up in the same basket? Why not just throw each person's clothes into their own laundry bin when there load comes out? Why not just have one person be responsible for laundry, period? And since that takes an extended amount of time, the other person should clean the bathrooms or take out the trash *and* vacuum every week.
Get on the same page before your resentment goes through the roof!
I think you guys should try reading "The Five Love Languages". Sounds like you guys really need to hone your communications
What the hell?? You do realize that having kids is only going to make this worse, right? If he can't be bothered to do the most mundane things for himself without a "reward" (you doing something), how is this going to work when you're up every 2-3 hours feeding a newborn? What will you have to do for him to get him to take a feeding once a night?
Bottom line is he's a selfish azzhole and a user.
If you want to continue to be married to someone like that, be my guest.
If it were me, I'd demand counseling (although, I'm not sure how much counseling will help someone who is so selfish) and if he refused, my next stop would be an attorney's office.
There is so much more to life than what you've got. And life is too damn short to settle.
Honestly, I think you're being a little ridiculous. You ask him that when he takes out the laundry that he separates it. When I take out the laundry I hull it out in one big pile, I don't take it out of the dryer piece by piece to sort it. I can see why this might not work well for him, I get your point but it doesn't mean that because you ask this of him that he HAS to do it. He said it didn't work well, okay, find another way that works for BOTH of you. How about when the laundry comes out of the dryer he gathers it in his one huge pile and then you go to the bedroom and TOGETHER you fold and put away all of it?
When you finish dinner why not put the dishes away TOGETHER.
You seem to be doing all of these chores as if you were college roomates. You do yours, I'll do mine. Why not sit down, and figure out a way to work together to get what you both want?
And ...I agree with the counselling idea. You both seem to need a lot of help in communicating.
It sounds like he's a score keeper.
I see a few options here: first, you need to figure out if he's open to changing. It sounds like you've had multiple conversations about this problem, but perhaps starting from "I don't like the dynamic between us lately" rather than "you are being selfish with chores" might make for a more productive conversation. You want to communicate to him how this situation makes you feel, without blaming him or making him defensive. (And before everyone jumps on me for "catering to the bad guy," I'm recommending this strategy as a way to find out if he's open to changing, not a long-term thing.)
If he is willing to change, I think the suggestion to make a chore list or do rotating chores is a good one. It seems like both of you are treating chores like "my" stuff and "your" stuff, instead of doing things for each other. And consider doing chores together, like dishes or folding laundry. (as an aside, I think it's a little weird that he does the laundry but you each fold your own clothes separately.)
If he's not willing to change, figure out if it's a deal breaker. I sometimes fall into this kind of score keeping, especially when I'm swamped or stressed (and yeah, I leave dishes around the house), and so does my H. But I understand that the feeling that you are generous and giving and caring while he shirks and takes must really grate on you. If he is not willing to alter his behavior, would you consider that a deal breaker?
Utlimately, I'm w/ geek_girl. He sounds really selfish and if you do have kids with him- plan to do everything yourself and dont' expect him to be a good role model.
And BEFORE you have kids, really think about if this is the man who you want to be the father of those children and your partner (ha ha) as a parent.
That being said - I really don't get the laundry thing. I agree- seperating it as it comes out of the dryer would be annoying to me too. I wouldn't want to do it. And so that you dont' have to be burdened w/ seperating, you want him to be burdened w/ it?
If you all fold and put away your own laundry, why not just do your laundry seperately from the start? DH and I do this - we each have our own laundry basket and we handle it all ourselves. I will sometimes do his for him becasue if his odd schedule, but it's nothing I "have" to do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your H thinks "doing the laundry" doesn't implicitly entail folding it also? Why he's a score-keeper AND a deck stacker.
You know he's being dishonest and lazy, and those are the values you -- very rightly -- don't want to see passed on to your children.
Life is long. Crises can and do happen. What kind of support do you want by your side in your weakest or darkest moments? A laundry-doing non-laundry-folder? Really?
You married a man who would not set a good example as a father and who would not be unconditionally supportive of you in a crisis. Those are the two major reasons most people marry -- what you got is a long-term lease with a shittty roommate and little else.
If I were you, I'd rethink what you're putting into this given what you are and will ever get out of it.
"I don't say anything" "I don't say anything" "I don't say anything".
SAY SOMETHING. Stop doing it all while silently expecting him to want to do more than he does. Stop picking up after him; do your own laundry how you like it; don't pick up his dishes, and make the bed if you feel like it but not if you don't. And sit down and hammer out who's going to do what around your house, including grocery shopping, bill paying, yard work, car care etc.
And if you find you've married an 8 year old who won't do chores, for god's sake don't reproduce with him. It makes it much harder to divorce a person.
I'm going to ditto this. I think that the laundry thing is a little unreasonable. Yeah, you want him to make your life easier, but maybe he wants you to make his life easier as well.
In my house, there are chores that DH does and chores that I do. And occassionally, we negotiate them. For example, I hate washing dishes. I will wash them, but I'd rather DH does it. So, most of the time, he does it. In return, I fold all the laundry, always have. He sweeps and vaccums more often, and I dust and wash windows. I guess we've always done this sort of back and forth kind of thing-- I'm the one who picks up the couch pillows and he's the one who picks up the toys.
But, counselling or somehow opening those lines of communication would be a huge thing for you.
I don't see the big deal in dividing up responsibilities around the house. It's what I used to do and it worked well. There was very little fighting about what needed to get done. We would make a list of what needed to get done and then take turns picking our chores, even steven.
Personally, I do not see a problem in YH wanting to keep the responsibilities as even as possible. If my partner kept asking me to do stuff, I'd feel like he was pawning his list off onto me. While you view him as lazy and selfish, he could very well be viewing you the same way.
I fully admit to being messy, and I resent it when someone thinks their way is the right way. I have a terrible problem with leaving soda cans on the coffee table, but my floors are vacuumed and my bathrooms are clean. I don't live in squalor. I think it's unfair that you want YH to live up to some idealized image you have of a husband. He's not perfect (he should want to work at the marriage, definitely), but this isn't all on him here.
This whole idea of sacrificing your own wants and needs because you are married gives me the willies though. I don't view marriage that way at all. Marriage is compromise, and I think there's an easy one in your situation. Play to each other's strengths and account for each other's weaknesses.
Oh yeah, Bowies reminded me: this is weird. I don't always put my husband first, nor do I expect him to always put me first. There's a difference between being a thoughtful, caring partner and throwing your own wants, needs, and desires out the window to please your spouse.
But if you expected a spouse who did always put you first, why did you marry this guy?
Just make a chore chart.
And seriously, start talking about the things that bother you. You have to do that when you live with someone, whether it's a roommate or a husband. The person can not be expected to read your mind.
This ultimately may be a bigger problem than chores. You are right in that your H sounds like he has a selfish side, but you've got to start somewhere and I assume you are not ready to call it quits just yet. Open the lines of communication and figure this shitout.
This one needs a Mommy Martyr-in-Training badge.
As others have said, he's keeping score. I will only do this for you if you do this for me. That kind of thing drives me crazy.
Ditto what others have said. In the mean time, I would just start doing my own laundry. My SO and I do our own simply because we have different ways of doing our laundry. He sprays shout on everything (not everything, but way more than I do) and he uses unscented fabric softener and I don't. He doesn't understand why anyone would use the delicate cycle, etc. It just makes sense to do our own.
But you know that there are obviously other reasons for him acting this way and that's what you really need to focus on either fixing (good luck) or realizing he's not the one for you.
There is a lot going on her, I'm sure you will agree.
I think both the OP and the H are score keepers. This rarely is a good trait/habit in a marriage. The OP seems to be martyring herself in the chores department and disappointed that her H doesn't recognize and/or appreciate it.
There is so much more wrong with this post I really don't think I can address it.
Maybe my H & I don't clean or do chores enough but I don't think there should be so much to do that either one of you has to give up any hobbies or fun activities. (unless he is doing his hobbies daily- which then yeah he needs to step up).
I've only been married 5 months, but we've lived together for a year and a half, one thing my husband has told me- he doesn't like to feel like im telling him what to do. So if I would like him to do something, I write it on a note (actually I usually do a list) and he knows I'd like him to do it with the week. At first I thought it was ridiculous that he couldn't remember to do one thing, like give the dog a bath- but it works for us this way- growing up his mom left a list of chores that had to be done and he responds to this. Laundry- we do every few weeks- and we are really good about just doing it...one time he'll just start a load- then ill hang it up or fold or we do it together..then ill start a load and he'll do the other.
If there is something that you want him to do- ask him if the note thing would work, then he could do it as his leisure (within a few days). Communication is a big key- tell him how you feel about how you want things to be. Tell him that you wouldn't have to nag or you wouldn't be in a bad mood if he'd help without asking you to do something or complaining. Tell him that his life won't be so hard if he'd just do things to help you out.
Hang in there- Ive come to realize that everything can't always go my way. I used to get really upset (im kinda emotional) if i ask things to be done and they don't happen 'right now'. well that's not reality and it's not gonna happen. Ive had to learn to just relax and things will get done when they get done.
GL!
I think you should consider the possibility that he already thinks the chores are equally divided and feels that you are the lazy one for asking him to do something extra without offering to do something in return.
You say that you should just both be totally happy to do whatever the other person asks, but it seems that you aren't living up to your end of that either, since it bugs you so much to be asked to do something in return.
Also, for the record, beds do not need to be made. But if you do want it made, it's really not a big deal for a bed to remain unmade in an empty house all day while the people are at work, only to be made in the evening. It's not like anybody is there to see it or use it. It's not going to rot, or attract bugs, or need time to dry before you can use it again.
Communication and compromise are things you will need to learn as your marriage grows. If you can't make any progress between the two of you, get a counselor to help. These things could probably be worked out in a handful of sessions, so cost and time shouldn't stop you.
End of lecture. The rest of what I have to say is directly to your husband, man to man:
Folding the freaking clothes is 90% of the work involved in doing the laundry. If you don't believe me, get a stopwatch and time it out yourself. Fortunately, it can be done while watching TV, so it's not a big sacrifice. I do almost all the laundry in our house. This means I will spend 3 uninterrupted hours tomorrow night (hopefully) watching the Rangers close out the ALCS, then put all the folded clothes away and get laid. Literally a win-win.