Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I am planning my wedding myself and ..
it seems like we are arguing more and more. we can start a huge fight over the drop of a hat. he always goes straight to the, why dont u tell me you dont want to be with me, you mine as well call the wedding off stuff.
He is a dream any other time, but the fighting is driving me nuts lately because we have never faught this often. blah, i just dont know what to do. hes not that hugely involved in the wedding so it cant be stress. we have been together for about two years but we dated about 5 years ago, lost touch, and randomly met back up. then in may of this year we welcomed a daughter. so maybe its just the stress of everything, and he works two jobs also. i hope hes not getting cold feet but im a realist, so i wont rule it out. has anyone else been through the same? is it common? please tell me this ends happily lol ... i need some real advice besides the whole follow your heart bs
Re: I am planning my wedding myself and ..
It's normal to be stressed planning a wedding, but that doesn't make it ok for him to go straight to talking of calling off the wedding. Have you been able to talk to him rationally and calmly about all this?
Don't follow your heart, follow your gut. Is this the person you want to be married to? You're already stuck with him since you have a child, but that doesn't mean you need to be married to him. How old are you both? Have you considered pre-marriage counseling to discuss your expectations, feelings, etc?
My suggestion:
Put the wedding on hold -- anything can be in the mix here:
Too much stress from working 2 jobs
Stress from the new addition to the family
He can't handle confrontation like an adult so he cops out with "oh forget it; I don't wanna get married!!"
He may NOT want to be married, either now, or ever.
Your mission: to find out what IS in the mix here -- either one or some or many of the above or something else not on the list.
Let him cool off and in a few days, sit down with him and discuss what'shappening. Have somebody watch the kiddo for the evening -- make sure the talk you have with him is frank and open.
If he says he does not want to get married, believe him --- see an attorney to get child support and visitation straightened out. ANd if you own property together, an attorney needs to take care of that also. GL.
If he is throwing out the whole "let's call the wedding off!" line now, he will throw out the whole "Well, let's just get divorced" line when you are married.
Next time he says it, tell him "Ok, we aren't going to get married." Calmly walk away, hand him back the engagement ring and say "I will cancel the vendors tomorrow."
His reaction to your actions should be quite telling.
Honestly, cancel the vendors now and save yourself the anguish. You guys aren't ready to be married. You guys don't fight well. I imagine that he is super stressed right now (baby, two jobs) but still, he needs to be mature enough to say "Honey, I just got in the door and my brain hurts. I am going to sit down, have a cold beverage, play with the baby and then we can talk about the wedding. At this moment, it is more than I can handle." or "Honey, I don't have the bandwidth right now to discuss wedding plans. Can we discuss it on Saturday morning after breakfast? I promise to be ready to give you 45 minutes of uninterrupted mental attention to deal with wedding questions then."
Agreed. Did he propose before or after you got pregnant?
Yeah... Don't do this. Don't play stupid mind games. If he's throwing out "maybe we shouldn't get married" every chance he gets, then you have your answer. He doesn't think that y'all should get married.
No, this isn't normal. It's normal to have disagreements about the wedding, but it's not normal for him to expect you to plan the whole thing and it's definitely not normal for disagreements to escalate to the point of threatening to call off the wedding.
Really, planning a wedding is one of the least stressful situations in which you might find yourself in life. That you are turning on each other now instead of working as a team doesn't bode well for married life.
I'm also curious about whether you were engaged before you got pregnant, why you broke up the first time, and what changed to make getting back together a good idea?
You've been together for "about two years"...your baby is five months old...so you were together for less than six months when you got pregnant? Is my math right?
It sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. Postponing the wedding until you are sure marriage is the right thing may be your best bet.
Yes, planning a wedding is stressful. Yes, arguing is normal. However, this arguing style wouldn't fly with me. Disagreeing about what movie to rent or who is going to wash the dishes or which flowers to put in the bouquet shouldn't devolve into screaming and/or "FINE THEN JUST LEAVE". You need to find ways to settle your differences without getting so dramatic.
And telling you in a very passive aggressive way, which is ick. I could maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and he does want to get married, but doesn't want to shell out the money for a wedding (I mean, the dude's working two jobs...I'm guessing money is tight). It's still a passive aggressive way to handle it though. He needs to use his big boy words.
I also am wondering about the timeline on the engagement. If you didn't have a child together, would you be getting married right now (or ever?).
I think you should put the wedding plans on hold.
The fact that he jumps straight to "let's not get married" every time you argue is a huge red flag. To me that sounds like someone who doesn't want to get married but also doesn't want to be the bad guy and is trying to turn things around and put it on you.
Have you asked him about it?
Go to a counselor if you need help bringing it up or getting answers, but this is not the way it's supposed to be. You really should be able to talk about these things if you are going to get married. You are planning for a lifetime with someone that is throwing out all sorts of signals that he doesn't want to get married. If you don't feel comfortable just talking about things, that's a problem too. This will not be the biggest hurdle that you face over the years.