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Give me strength...
A friend, Karen, is coming into town this weekend to visit. It happens to coincide w/ a conference she has to be here for, so it's not really 100% a visit to see US.
She came at this time last year and seriously, I still haven't fully recovered from that visit! WIth both last year and this year, my DH is working this weekend. he may get home for part of the time, but w/ his job - you simply never know until the day of or even the hour of. So, conceivably, I could be alone w/ her all weekend.
And that's really the problem. She's pretty selfish and she can be very intense and exhausting. She's an attorney and she's good at her job - but she lets her job play over into her life a little too much. She has to be RIGHT about everything. You can't have the simplest difference of opinion w/o her basically beating you down until you conceed that she's right.
A little backstory to my next issue - I used to have a friend who loved to throw down "you don't understand" in relation to kids whenever she could. If you didn't have kids, you could expect to hear this statement from her at. For many reasons, I find this phrase really rude and unnecessary. Yes- there is truth to it, but it's still unneccessary to say.
Karen knew this girl too, knew about how rude & offensive she could be, knew about the "you don't understands", etc. She even once said to me that she appreciates that I don't throw that in her face. (She is almost 40, not married and no kids).
Anyhow, last year she talked a LOT about her brother's kids. Bascially about what a bad parent he is. As I have never met his kids and have never seen him as a parent, I didn't say too much in response. Just listened. I fully recognized that I don't know them, don't know the full dynamics - it's hard to really voice an opinion on what he's doing or not doing.
But at one point she said something about them and I decided to actually voice a thought I had because I felt I might have some perspective on the situation. The next words out of her mouth? "You don't understand, you've never met them".
I was speechless. That's what you're going to throw down at me because I DARED to speak from a place of experience on what might be going on w/ your brother?
I literally sat back on the couch and stopped talking. DH was there, luckily, so it wasn't really fully on me to enteratin her. But at that point, I threw up my hands and gave up. It was such a slap in the face.
If it were just this one thing, i'd have gotten over it. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back. After a weekend of basically being beaten down in every conversation we had, I lost all energy to deal with her.
Luckily it was shortly after that that DH took her to her hotel and her visit w/ us was over.
But can I do it again this weekend?!?!?! I don't know! I'm actually, though, trying to get some comments in my head to say to her (while not being rude) to put it on the table that she's exhausting me. I don't want to get into a fight w/ her, but I'd like for her to realize how unforgiving she can sometimes be. Or - I hope that she picked up on my "giving up" last year and clued in on what happened. She can be pretty intuitive and does pick up on the sublties at times. Maybe she did and maybe she wont' be quite so in my face about stuff...
We'll see how it goes. I am having friends over tomorrow afternoon, though, to help mediate my time w/ her... 
I just need strength!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Re: Give me strength...
Do you have to see her this year? Maybe a break would be good and if you feel up to it, she can visit when she comes back to town.
It doesn't sound like you want to see her at all!
Seriously, I've given it a lot of thought and I don't entirely know. She CAN be fun, she CAN be insightful. We've been friends w/ her for over 15 years, she was a bridesmaid in our wedding... you know, "history". It can be hard to let go.
And it's a bit more on my DH's side than it is mine. He isn't as annoyed by her as I am (but he also hasn't had to spend an entire weekend w/ her, mostly alone!!). Also, I think he feels that we're stablizing friends for her and wants to be there for her.
I actually remember for my 40th, she came to NYC to meet up w/ us. I hardly talked to her that weekend (it was a big group, though). Afterwards, I was like "why? Why didn't I talk to her more?". I had felt like I was avoiding her.
Then she came to visit last October and being one on one with her- it all became VERY clear to me. That's a part of this- we've known all this about her (and have seen how it's gotten worse over the years), but in group settings or when you're out and about, it's easier to ignore and it's not as annoying.
Last years visit was just too much for me, I think, and I just saw her so much more clearly than I had before. So I'm going to see how this year goes and then figure out what to do down the road.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I ditto those who asked why you'd want to be friends with her!
I think when she started arguing with me for the millionth time, I'd probably actually throw up my hands, laugh, and say "okay counselor, you don't have to present closing arguments or anything!" and change the subject. Because I couldn't deal with constant bickering with someone who is supposed to be my friend.
Maybe suggest going to a movie! Less talking!
Her talking about her brother, who you do not know, to e is like speaking a foreign language in front of someone who does not speak it: it was rude. Due to the situation, I would suggest maybe meeting for coffee for an hour and that be it. It sounds like it will be too stressful on you for a visit for much length. She is there for a conference, not to visit you, as you stated so she realisticly can not expect too much. Time is too valuable and she obviously does not value you as a friend. Only do a coffee, at your convenience, if anything at all!!
Oh, to be clear - the conference starts Sunday. She's coming in tonight and staying with us. Last year she stayed at the hotel, but as we don't live close by anymore, she opted to stay with us. She was even thinking of coming in tomorrow instead. I replied to that positively - but she ended up getting a flight tonight instead.
YAY!!!!!!!
And yes, I realize I could have said "no" to any/all of this, but this is about DH too and he would be upset if I did that. BUT - depending on how this visit goes (if it's like last year), I do know that moving forward, he'll fully understand if I say "no" in the future.
She's opened up her home to us many times too (she lives in Chicago) and can be generous and thoughtful (when DS was a baby and we visited, she borrowed a ton of baby supplies from a friend in order to save us from having to bring a ton of stuff with us, for example!) at times.
Seriously, though, writing all this out has made me feel better and I do feel a bit better and better prepared to handle her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You know what I just thought about.... the reason she talked to me about him and his kids is because I'm a mom. She wouldn't have gone on about it as much if I didn't have DS. I know it. I know she talked about it because she felt it was a common ground (in a sense) and that I'd understand. But yet, when I spoke up, suddenly I didn't understand...???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree on arranging to do things out. Just be like, "Oh I've been dying to get out of the house more!" and plan to meet up for coffee or the like. Then make an excuse why you have to get home, "Oh, I promised the preschool teachers I'd make pumpkin decorations for Monday and this is the only time I have to get it done!"
Or, if she insists on coming over, find an excuse why you need to shift activities after a couple of hours. It could be pumpkins for preschool, or you promised to sort through old clothes to donate to a friend's charity rummage sale, and you put it off till the last minute, whatever. And then you can be like, "And I'm sure you'd like to get going yourself, you look exhausted!"
ETA: Posted before I saw your update about her staying with you. I think you made your own bed here, sorry!
I think I recall reading about this last year.
Honestly, I'd drop her as a friend. Especially since your DH isn't even home really when she visits. I had an exhausing friend once and I just stopped talking to her because she could never take 'no' for an answer.
Good Luck.
Wow!
As far as entertaining her goes-- she sounds pretty outspoken. Ask her what she wants to do, and deal with her crazyness if you want. This woman sounds like an emotional vampire & energy suck. Blech.
I know you have "history" with this woman, but it is possible for two people to no longer be compatible as friends. I think maybe the two of you have grown apart & that you should stick up for yourself more often. Have you tried actually talking to her about what makes you anxious about her visits?
This year might be the year for a "come to Jesus" type talk with her about how you feel when she does X, Y, & Z. I would do it towards the end of her visit or on the last day. I am pretty sure she'll get defensive and shyt, but you should have a conversation & if you are true friends she will do her best to alter her approach to your friendship.
Even if she does get PO-ed & end the friendship that will be one less emotional drain on you. I understand you value her friendship for its vintage but what else do you value it for? If it were me I would distance myself because life is too short.
Haha! Sorry about that. You made your bed...
Seriously, I deal with difficult guests by planning out every minute of the day. If it doesn't go exactly according to plan, that's fine, but with lots of activities, there are lots of neutral topics to discuss and it doesn't tend to feel so forced.
That's all I got. Good luck.
My trick to handling difficult people is to be amused by it all. I use it in my personal and professional life.
For example, when she threw out the "you don't understand" I would have laughed. Loudly. And then say, "wait, wait, you're throwing out the 'you don't understand' to me?? When you don't have kids? He he he, oh the irony!" But not in a sarcastic way, in a genuinely amused kind of way. Try to focus on the humor in the situation instead of the aggravation. Sometimes I do atually stop and think, "what's funny about this" and it really helps, especially if I feel myself getting irritated by something.
Also, I'd maybe try to steer the conversation into areas that you have some common ground (so you don't have to worry about disagreeing or don't care about conceding the point). Essentially, I'm recommending a fluff conversation (have you seen any good movies lately? Read any good books? Planning any cool trips? Won any big cases?" etc. Then you can just nod and retreat to your happy place.
Aren't lawyers obnoxious though? If you need some good lawyer jokes to use, I can provide. I get lawyer joke calendars as gifts every year.
Donny - excellent advice on finding the humor in a situation. I really will try to do that!
However, fluff conversations she has to win too.... that's the problem. We could discuss Project Runway (which is ENTIRELY subjective!) and why we like or don't like certain designers - and if I happen to like Jack but she thinks Jill is better.... she will.not.let.it.go.
But I will need to channel the humor in it....
My DH used to be a lawyer (that's actually how we know her- they met in law school!). So I know a LOT of lawyers. MOST I don't find too obnoxious....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not offend all of the Karen's out there, but every Karen that I've known (at least the ones that come to mind) have had a similar personality. It's the name!
I've found that I cannot be friends with people named Karen or Sherri.
This is awesome. Come to think of it, all of the Karens I know are a bit wonky.
Yeesh. A know-it-all friend is someone I would avoid like the plague.
Maybe a lunch in a neutral setting. Maybe.
If you must spend time with her you've got to give yourself a fighting chance. The first time a 'you don't know what you're talking about' type of comment comes out of her mouth, you must respond to that. Not the actual topic at hand, but the fact that you are finding it increasingly difficult to socialize with her because of her attitude.
Good luck with that.
I hate people like this. "You don't know what you're talking about" needs a "well let's talk about something we're both qualified to discuss then, how's that?" Her behavior is really offensive.
She was not asking your for advice on how to deal with her brother, she was expounding at length on her position vis a vis her brother and his children; your input, especially if you disagree, is most certainly not wanted. And if you wanted to attend a lecture on the worthlessness of her various siblings, you could have asked for one. Silly you, you thought this was an actual conversation; when all it was was a lecture where she feels perfectly entitled to apply a smack down to the errant accolyte.
I'd have a couple of projects to do. Bead stringing for Halloween decorations, hanging Halloween lights, shopping for Halloween decorations, making pumpkin bread, just anything that you could get her to work on with you so at least you'll accomplish something while she's here.
She does sound obnoxious. I'm going to be honest, sometimes I bait people in order to be amused by them.
My MIL is the perfect example. She's also one of those individuals who has to be right. She'll go round and round and round and will never admit to even examining a different point of view. It drives her sons and their wives crazy, but 90% of the time I find it amusing...and I'll admit I sometimes pretend to be obtuse, or argue the point instead of going along with it, for the SOLE purpose of working her into a tizzy for my own enjoyment.
So, if you're having a hard time finding the humor, manufacture some for yourself for the purpose of watching the show.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd have a project involving duct tape so if she starts to yap you can quickly tape her mouth shut.
Another vote here for the duct tape. They make all kinds now; with flames, Hello Kitty, you name it. Every color of the rainbow.
Ditto this!