Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I'm dealing with a "Helen" from bridesmaids
My SO and his daughter live with me. We own a house together it's pretty serious. I am acting as her mother figure in her life for the past two years. Now, her mother is barely in her life, but I can't say that about her aunt ( the mother's sister)... let's just call her "Helen". She's married with a kid of her own. The problem with her is that I can see right through her. She is a phony person. She is like Helen in every aspect. Bragging constantly about how wonderful her life is... always trying to out do everyone ect. It's sad. Now the kicker ; I believe there's a part of her that secretly regrets the fact that SHE didn't end up with my SO. I know it sounds crazy but it's honest to god true. Before it ws even obvious to me I heard it from his family and friends that this is the case with her.
Background info: Prior to my SO and his child's mother getting together Helen and him had a "close" friendship. Nothing supposently ever happened between them and he wound up with his baby's mother ( Helen's sister). From the moment I met Helen she treated me horrible, no nice to meet you, she sorta just looked me up and down, left me out of conversations ect. I actually have my SO's family and our friends point this out and bring it to my attention constantly. Her husband was in Iraq until this summer, up until then she constantly flirted with my SO whenever they were together. When ever everyones together at gatherings, birthday parties ect, she always makes it a point to try to get my SO alone in another room to hang out just the two of them, have a cigarette , always pulls him aside to just speak to her alone....that is unless her husband is around.
Right before My SO and I got together, he had a get-together and Helen came...they ended up getting into an argument over his babymama's other daughter who Helen is helping raise with her grandmother....My SO was originally fathering this kid when he was with his ex ( Helen's sister) and now is not because he's not her father....she was arguing over the fact that he should still be a father figure to this kid and she blurted out " I can't believe you don't care, they both could have been ours"! Crazy.
Now he admits she acts odd at times but claims, which I believe him on his side, there's nothing there.....this woman makes it a point to constantly post pics on FB of my SO's daughter and her 1/2 sister and titles it "my girls"...
My SO and I have fought over the fact that I do not want this woman in our life. He argues she's family, which I argue she's not.....she's his daughter family. She is his daughter's aunt not her mother! Which she acts like. I mean just this month I planned a birthday party for my SO's daughter and she gave me *** about how she had another idea for the party. I mean how much involvment is too much involvement? I'm glad she's a good aunt to his daughter. But cmon already. I really wish part of me can put the past aside and try to be fiends with this woman but I just can't see it.
My SO was upset the other day that Helen texted him something silly and he felt guilty responding to her because of my issue with her. He "doesn't want to feel guilty being friends with her". He's been keeping her at a distance lately but I feel guilty now. Just wanted to see how other's would handle a situation like this.
Re: I'm dealing with a "Helen" from bridesmaids
sorry so long guys!!!
I'm meh on the "my girls" title --- that in itself is kind of harmless (I'm sure she means it affectionately, not as a possesion kind of thing) but what does suck is that she doesn't treat you civilly. You have every right to be mad.
Even if she is not crazy about you, she needs to be polite to you and treat you like you're not a piece of dirt.
Friendship is great.
You, as an SO, are supposed to be a bit greater than she is. I don't know if he's been there when she's treated you so shoddily but if this is tha case, lose him. Ugh...that is just plain wrong, he's a pushover for her and about another thousand lousy negative things.
Why would he want a friend who treats somebody else like a pos??? He's hard up for friendship, IMO.
If you guys are not married yet, I'd make sure this issue is resolved well before any wedding planning starts. And I'm talking ALL of it - from allowing this crazy person in your lives to not caring that "friends" of his treat you like crap. Rings and a marriage license will not change this behavior - its not going to "wake her up", nor will it give him the cajones to stand up for you.
I agree. Last time something happened was at his cousin's bday party. We were all in the kitchen, like ten of us. And to my SO she was like " hey come in here with me and help me out with this gift would ya"....She dragged him into the other room where it was just the two of them talking while she wrapped a gift and did this while I'm standing right next to him. Isn't that strange behavior? There's a room full of females she knows and she has to bring him in there when she really didn't need his help. IDK. He even said that it was odd. But he still went into the room! How should I feel about that? I said something to him ten minutes after it happened he got defensive and pretty much avoided her the entire party he stayed outside while she was inside. He says he's keeping his distance but should I just tell him I do not want her around at all?
And her putting " my girls" is rubbing it in. I know it sounds nuts but if you knew her you'd understand. It's crazy, I'm this kids mom pretty much and she gets more credit from people than I do I feel like. She post's this pic and a bunch of people comment on it like "aww she's getting so big" ..."what cute girls you have" THEY'RE not hers! The kid lives with me, i raise her! It's like she takes pride in this kid that she has no part in raising as if she was hers!
I think you need to take a hard look at why you're still in the relationship. This is clearly too much for you to handle (and I don't mean that in a bad way, I just make it a point to stay away from the bat-shiit-crazies) and your SO doesn't really seem to be interested standing up for you.
If it were me, as hard as it would be, I think I'd be done. Too much drama.
If he won't read her the riot act or cool it with her, friendship wise, this woman will be in the picture for good. Who needs that adding strife to your marriage clear off the bat?
He needs to man up and tell her to treat you civilly. And if he won't do that, say goodbye. YOU come first, not her.
I agree. It's too much drama. I mean just today he took his daughter to visitation at the court house so she can see her mom. ( who ended up being a half hour late)
I come to find out through the pics on facebook that Helen posted ( the "my girls" pics) that she was the one to take the other kid. The pics were the 2 kids right in front of the court house. So basically they were there hanging out together dropping off the kids and he never even said anything to me about her being there.
So my question for you guys .....Am I crazy for now being slightly annoyed that he never mentioned seeing her today? I mean should he of mentioned it?
I would be annoyed and yes, he should have mentioned it, regardless of the consequences. My guess, though, is that he didn't because he didn't want to make you upset. Which, in itself, is another red flag - you need to be able to tell each other things, especially unpleasant things. My guess is that he may be afraid to tell you because you'll flip out on him.
I don't know... The more you post, the more it seems like you guys aren't compatible. Bottom line is that she is not a friend of the relationship and he isn't willing to stand up for you/the relationship, he's lying by omission, you're following her FB like its your job to see what shenanigans she's up to... Its not looking good.
I think OP is paranoid. That said, I would be too.
The man in this relationship is trying to stay clear of "women drama". I'm in the military, so I know how military guys can be. He doesn't want to make waves, which is why he went and wrapped gifts with this woman when she beckoned him to. This means that he doesn't want to confront her, when you combine that with his other behavior. Which means he isn't going to stand up for you until she does something so egregious that other people stand up for you first.
If you can be in a relationship and tolerate that, then stick around. I'd say that if you can't tolerate it (and by your annoyance, I'd wager that you aren't really going to stand for it), then you should consider leaving. He probably feels like Helen's ties to his daughter are so significant and so worthy that he can't "cut her off" or confront her blatantly on your behalf. And to be honest, I'd do what I thought was best for my daughter too. If you're amazing at raising her, then he's taking you for granted rather than realizing that YOU'RE what's best for his daughter. But at the end of the day, legally she is HIS daughter, so you don't get a vote.
Someday, he might realize that Helen's influence as a blood relative isn't worth it, and you were the better option to side with when it comes to his kid. But since you aren't married, I can see his logic, a least since he's a man and man-logic is different than lady-logic sometimes, that Helen isn't going anywhere. Helen is a blood relative, and because of that, you can't "forbid" him contact with her. Just tell him how you feel in situations like the gift-wrap-alone-awkwardness, and if he won't do something that respects your relationship, then leave. It's only going to get more confusing and complex if you decide to have your own child with this man someday.
Here's an update for you all. Spoke to him lastnight and basically he tells me that our own relationship would be better if we spoke more. That he likes talking better to Helen and his other girl that's a friend Sara because they are funny and they just "get eachother". They have the same sense of humor. Basically telling me that in day to day living I'm lame in conversation and I don't always get his humor. That Helen acts "outgoing and friendly" aka flirtacious with everyone she talks to that's just how she is, she's just s funny person that can make him laugh which I'm apparently not. She means nothng by it and there's nothing there other than interesting conversations which to him we barely have.
In ending he tells me that he's upset and still wants to try to make things work because he really feels like there's this interesting person in me but he rarely sees it and it's hard for him to tap into. I am "routine" as he calls it. This coming from a man who has like 3 friends, 2 that are flirty girls. works from home, moody from on and off quitting smoking and I'm convinced is bipolar. One minute he's happy as hell bopping around he house and the next he's angry at the world and doesn't want me near him. Where I am a free-lance artist, art teacher and going to grad school fulltime, have a billion hobbies and keep up with a great group of friends, who needless to say doesn't have a problem in "finding me interesting". Sorry that when I get home after a day like that I seem "routine". I feel like I'm constantly trying to get to know him and he puts in no effort.
He wants us to work on the way we comunicate and doesn't like the fact that I gave him an ultimatum a little bit ago. I basically told him I've been playing house with you ( moved into my house) for 2 years, share finances, mothering your daughter fulltime, put a ring on it by the end of this year or you're out the door. Second that I'm not dealing with "flirty girlfriends", which now he thinks It's only due to that fact that I'm "jealous of them because they have a better conversation relationship conversationally." He wants us to continue working on things but right now I'm so upset and pissed. I feel completely insulted, and I can't see what incentive there is to work on things.
For a week we're fine, we share laughs, and the next if my problem with Helen is brought up or more of a commitment is brought up he brings to light all of this and claims we need time to work on things......so confused.