Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: S/O When did you give up?
Well, good luck with that.
FWIW, there is a difference between being twenty and having a "hard marriage."
Click me, click me!
LOL
Touche.
I'm not sure what you're looking for. Maybe a pat on the head to tell you what a good girl you are, how patient you are, and how your marriage is going to last foreverever because you got over your 20 year old stupidity with your H in tow?
Click me, click me!
I'm not looking for anything, as of like the 5th post in the thread or there abouts. But, I mean, if you're offering...
On another note, I like the graphic. Good movie. Any day someone makes fun of me with The Princess Bride has got to be a good day. I think I'll go watch it.
When a person asks a room full of internet strangers for advice on whether to give up or not, she has already made the choice and wants validation or clarity on their choice. They still make the decision themselves, whether we like it or not.
I think what TIP opinion is that you shouldn't have to make your SO act like a faithful, trusting, mature, happy, healthy adult. Which is what makes a hard marriage. It's when you feel more like a single parent of your SO vs their partner. Or you are more of your SO's object and less their spouse.
You are an example of why you don't get married at 20, why we tell people to wait. You both changed because you wanted to, because you needed to. Who knows what would have happened if you got married before you were ready back in the beginning of 20's. You might have stayed the same or worse, reverted to someone abusive and toxic, which people often do in marriage because they feel they can let themselves go, the chase is over and all. Thank goodness you had the mind to wait, but you still have much to learn.
I don't think blanket statement should be made at all. Just look at how wrong your blanket statement is about TIP based on what you read in one post.
Check us out
I read this entire post and am still left with the following visual:
I have to agree.
This is hardly something to be proud of IMO. Congratulations on putting in a decade of "hard work" to turn your "azzhole" SO into someone you can get along with, but I'd rather pick someone I'm compatible with in the first place.
I know I'm waaaaay late to this party, but this thread has really got me thinking...couldn't help but jump in, just in case there is anyone still reading (which is unlikely).
I think for the most part I agree with what all of you are saying...obviously, if an SO is abusive, or unfaithful those should be deal breakers. And continuously being unresponsive to positive change is a pretty serious red flag, too.
On the other other hand, when I read some of the posts on this topic, I wonder if some of our expectations are too high. I mean, if a marriage lasts 30 or 40 years, it has to go through some seriously dark times, hasn't it? Not necessarily cheating or abuse, but maybe long periods where the two people can't stand each other?
Honestly, I can't think of very many real life examples of married couples who don't have have some kind of dark history. My own parents are a good example of this. They recently celebrated 38 years of marriage, and they seem happier together than ever. Unfortunately, they had some really tough times when I was growing up. Truthfully, they got married young, and weren't really compatible in some important ways...add to that some deep-seated emotional problems, and you get some really serious screaming fights, along with quite a few ruined holidays and vacations. I can remember a few days, weeks, and even months that were almost non-stop fighting.
As far as I know, there was never any infidelity on either side--but I've got to say, sometimes their marriage was miserable, hard, bloody work. My parents always assured me and my brother that they would not get divorced, however--my dad used to say that he chose my mom, he chose that life, and he was willing to take whatever good or bad came along with it.
I've been with my spouse for seven years, married for two of those. So far, our relationship has been surprisingly easy...certainly easier than some others I've heard about. I hope our marriage continues to go smoothly (and honestly, I hope never to experience some of the troubles my parents had) but I accepted, a long time ago, that there might be some dark days ahead. I hope no infidelity, as I probably couldn't deal with that, but surely there will be times when we're bored, times when we don't like each other, times when one of us feels that he/she has changed and maybe wants different things. I mean, come on--no relationship can last 40 years without some kind of really serious trouble.
I'm sure a lot of you wouldn't stand for some of the problems my parents went through, but if you ask my parents about it, I'm pretty sure that neither of them would want things any other way. And I believe that by staying together, they've learned and grown more than they would have if they'd just gotten out of their marriage. Sure it took many, many years, but it happened.
I'm not trying to say that every marriage is worth saving, but I do think there needs to be more wiggle room, even for really serious problems.